Hello, Spongey here. And Welcome back to Toon’d out month!
So it’s come to this. The grand finale.
It’s been a fun month overall. I opened with Cat in the hat, a film so bad that Dr suess’s widow hated it. Then I trekked on with Garfield, a bland film saved by Bill Murray.
Next we looked out The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, and George of the jungle, two rare decent live action adaptions.
Then we looked at Inspector Gadget 2, a horrible sequel to a fun film. Then we looked at Scooby doo, a faithful adaption of a fun show. And last time we looked at Ninja turtles the next mutation, an awful tv show.
And for the finale, I wanted to something really special. A live action adaption everyone hated. One people consider the worst of all time.
So here we are.
This, is Transformers Revenge of the Fallen
We open with some narration by Optimus Prime, voiced by Peter Cullen.
NOT THAT CULLEN.
He tells us “his kind” has met the humans before, and we see he’s right, as we flash back to 17,000 B.C.
We see some robots beat up s.=ome Cavemen, and then we get our opening titles..
So we cut to the present as Optimus kindly tells what’s going on: the Autobots have joined the U.S military to create a classified strike force, NEST, an elite joint military task force.
Okay, so far so good. Nothing horrible so far.
We see the army with the robots as they are going into some place…and of course this leads to explosions. Lots of explosions.
Yep, this is a Micheal bay movie.
What follows is a decent action scene..
And some stereotypes.
I honestly don’t have much to say about this scene. It has some okay action, and nothing mock able happens here.
But I wish I could see the robots. Seriously, the way this is shot, they look like tin car pileups!
So Prime and iron Hide kick some Decpticon ass.
“The fallen shall rise again”
Okay, that’s kind of bad ass.
So things are cool and-
We cut to the humans. Fuck.
So , Sam Witwicky played by Shia Lebouf, is heading off to college, and his Dad is very supportive.
“I have other ideas for your room, and it’s called home theater”
What a loving father.
At least the mom is caring
“Look what I found, it’s your little baby booties!”
…but not funny.
“I love when you call me young lady, you dirty old man”
REALLY, not funny.
At least he’s not-
OH COME ON!
“That was a really creepy move, dad”
DAMN STRAIGHT IT WAS
At least his pets are-
“Mojo, no dominating Frankie”
So after some talking, we cut to Mikaela , played by Megan Fox
…Do I even have to say it?
I’ll be honest, I didn’t mind her acting in the first one. She was okay when she needed to be, and she did prove to be a bit of an action girl, which was nice.
But stuff like the above image…is going overboard.
“I love it when you say Camshafts”
Anyway, Sam finds a shard of that all spark from the first movie and…touching it hurts him.
Yet in the first some it did nothing to him. Yeah…
This causes a bunch of small robots to invade his house. But he just calls on Bumblebee and everything’s fine.
Whew, I almost felt suspense for a moment there! Thank god for Micheal bay.
So the firemen arrive to put out the damage, and Miss Fanservice also shows up, and Sam gives her the all spark for safe keeping.
So he talks to Bumblee, while Fox heads leaves them alone while she-
…wait, why did that happen? Did she need to change clothes? There’s fanservice…then there’s THAT.
Stop distracting me!
So Shia tells Bumblebee he can’t go to college with him and yada yada yada.
So he then leaves the room, and he talks to Fox, in a moment that tries to be romantic but comes across as stupid and pointless.
So we cut to the NEST base where we meet…the twins. Oh god, the twins.
These guys are so hated, that Micheal Bay bet a shit ton of money no one could find them in the 3rd movie.
So let’s see if they are bad as they sound.
*Dialogue so horrible I can’t even quote it*
Who voices these guys anyway?
WHAT THE F-
*ONE MENTAL BREAKDOWN LATER
…Let’s move on.
. Soundwave, the Decepticon’s communications officer, hacks into a U.S military satellite, and overhears both the location of Megatron‘s corpse and the Allspark shard that Optimus removed from Megatron in the first film
And during that entire scene, nothing annoy happens.
Ah, bliss../…then we cut to college.
“I feel smarter already”
Shia heads to meet his roommate, some guy I will call roommate as that is the extent of his personality. It turns out he owns a conspiracy website related to the Transformers’ existence.
You see, no one believes in the robots…
Even though THERE WAS A GIANT ROBOT FIGHT IN THE FIRST MOVIE.
What, did the government somehow hide all that?
,…let’s move on.
So the parents show up the dorm room, and the Mom reveals she got some…Marijuana brownies/./
Sure why not.
The mom process to embarrass Sam by dicking around the campus, high.
Notice how this has nothing to do transformers at all.
After an all too short scene with some actual transformers, we cut back to Megan Fox, as she getting ready to webcam chat with sam.
But because this movie won’t dare to focus on one single thing, Sam heads to some wild party.
After a chick pretty much tries to rape him-I’m not joking-…bumblee shows up.
Yeah a transformer!
The presence of the car does not please this bully guy/
“I’m gonna park my foot in your ass”
“what size shoe do you wear?”
Okay, that’s a little funny.
Bumblee tells Sam there is a problem, and Sam drives…and that chicks comes along for the ride
Whew, this movie was almost cool for a second! Thank god for Micheal Bay.
Then the yellow car…spews yellow…piss-like liquid onto the chick.
I have nothing,.
And yes, that scene comes out of nowhere, has nothing to do with the plot, and is never mentioned again.
No, I’m not saying it.
So he heads to optimus prime, who needs Sam’s help with this whole war thing.
But Sam just bitches him because….Bay said so.
So then we get this odd underwater scene with some of the robots…cuz robot’’s can swim now. I guess.
Oh and you can’t see a fucking thing in this scene. At all.
In fact, you can barely make out any of the robots in this movie! During a normal scene, its fine. But if it’s action in any way, the camera moves way too fast and the effects make the robots look like a trash pile up!
Give the first movie some credit, you could SEE the robots!
So the bad guys get that All spark shard (way to go sam) and use it to bring Mega tron back to life/.
Megatron then flies to the Decepticon flagship Nemesis, where The Fallen instructs him to kill Optimus and capture Sam, as Sam has knowledge that can lead the Decepticons to the Matrix of Leadership.
So in other words
MEGATRON: We need to get insert mc guffin so we can technobabble over the cliché, but first we must cliché the boy and cliché the cliché!
But enough of that, let’s get back to Micheal Bay’s Animal House!
So during class, Sam is trying to pay attention, but due to some cybertron bullshit they never explain, he goes a bit crazy and rattles on some robot information or something.
Yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds.
So back at Fox’s place, this tiny robot dude is trying to get her all spark shard….it’s not as gross as it sounds.
And as it happens, Shia calls her and tells her to not touch it as it made him go insane.
This of course leads to awful comedy with the tiny robot dude.
Thankfully, Fox finds him and throws the douche in the trash.’
Oh, and in an unrelated note-
Stay subtle, bay.
So that chick from earlier (I THINK it’s her) shows up as we cut to the college and….yeah she comes on to him.
Rape…in a transformers movie.
Micheal Bay: Ruining your childhood since….ever
And of course Megan Fox walks in as this is happening.
That awkward moments when this movie sucks
Now it’s a Hentai.
So the chick is a robot I guess.
I don’t really care anymore
Wait…why did this robot chick want to rape shia?
So Fox chews him out for cheating,. Even though it was clearly robot rape..
Someone had to write that.
So robots ran rampant, and they (as well some random dude) jump in some random car to get away. Fox hotwires it
“You know how to hotwire a car? So hot/…”
So the robot chick goes after them…and fox owns it with the car.
Yay, she finally did something!
And Megatron crashes in on our heroes
“it feels good to grab your flesh”
So Megatron tries to probe his brain, but of course Optimus and the others come in the save the day in a cool but hard to watch action scene.
When Prime and Megatron start fighting, it looks kind of weird. Not like two giant robots, but a mash of bullshit.
So it goes on until…
Megatron kills him.’
And it’s not even a death that you care about. It goes by really fast.
MEGATRON: I will kill you!
OPTIMUS PRIME: oh crap, I’m dead.
SHIA: oh shit, he’s dead….who’s up for some burgers?
But hey, prime died. And after all
HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS
…sorry ,I had to
I hate to do this a 3rd time…but fuck this.
I can’t take it.
I am one hour in and I can’t take it anymore
If you think I’m being childhood, look at this
TOM KENNY HAD TO VOICE A CHARACTER THAT HUMPS SOMEONE’S LEG
*YET ANOTHER MENTAL BREAK DOWN LATER*
Yeah, fuck this movie.
What can I say that hasn’t been said already?
This movie sucks.
The writing is lazy and cliché, the characters are bland as hell, it’s annoying, it’s stupid, it makes no sense and worst of all
IT DOESN’T HAVE THE TRANSFORMERS THEME!
The first movie was entertaining. Not GOOD by any means, but passable for me. If you hated it, fine. I agree with the shit thrown at it, but I still liked it. At least I could forgive some bad parts due to the cool action
But this? No. they keep trying to hide it’s crappiness. They throw everything at you, effects, hot chicks, bad joke. Everything.
And megan fox was pointless In this. In the first one, she was okay. But here, no. she doesn’t dp a fucking thing in the entire 2 hours of it’s run time,. I like fan service, but only to a point. You must have a point for it.
There was no point here
Also, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH TRANSFORMERS
Change the names and you can’t even tell.
At least Bay APOLOGIZED for it. This what he said
“”We made some mistakes. The real fault with [“Transformers 2”] is that it ran into a mystical world. When I look back at it, that was crap. The writers’ strike was coming hard and fast. It was just terrible to do a movie where you’ve got to have a story in three weeks. I was prepping a movie for months where I only had 14 pages of some idea of what the movie was,” Bay goes on. “It’s a BS way to make a movie, do you know what I’m saying?”
So it’s the writer. Okay, then the third one is better. Who wrote the 3rd one?
GOOGLE: the same guy
…WHAT THE F-
So Toon’d out monthis OVER! Man, I’m happy,.
So I think April will be another theme month.
Yea, this one will rock.’
Okay, let’s do this…
Next month is april and it’s…
SO BAD IT’S HORRIBLE MONTH!