Hello, Spongey here. And Welcome back to Toon’d out month!
So today‘s review is a special PSA.
It was announced recently that Micheal Bay, the producer of an upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles film reboot, let slip that the turtles will be aliens.
Fans got pissed. The internet exploded over this issue, and Micheal Bay rightly told everyone to chill down.
Peter Laird, one of the creators of TMNT said the same. He found the idea to be odd, but wanted fans to just wait and what happens.
The person who played Leonardo in the first movie sides with bay, as does the actress for April (who has BEEN in a bay film before).
But then the real director said that the alien part refers to the ooze that mutated them which is alien. And plus Kevin Eastman, the other creator is overseeing the film.
So now everything’s all better.
But for those few doubters, I will show you that worse things can happen to the turtles. No matter what bay does, or what the DIRECTOR and WRITER does, it won’t be as stupid as this.
This, is Ninja Turtles: The Next mutation
Yes, we’re looking at a TV Show. So we’ll review a few episodes and see how….not good, this show is.
Episode 1: East Meets West
We open “Somewhere in China”
This hooded chick is talking to some old dude about shit that is supposed to sound cool, but isn’t.
She walks away and….then there’s a random ripple thing and then some crappy Cg effect pops out of…something.
“I fear a most ancient evil has come to destroy us all”
Way to react to …whatever the hell that was.
Seriously, what’s with the random watery CG? And why does this old dude sound like an old white guy trying to sound like an old Chinese guy?
Here’s what we saw.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
And then we get the intro.
The theme song sucks. That’s all you need to know.
We open in new-
Sorry, I think I heard some odd karate chopping effect. Must be the neighbors. Let me start that bit over.
So we cut-
…it’s coming from the show? Wut?
…Wait, that happens when another credit pops up on the bottom of the screen.
YOU ADDED A SOUND EFFECT TO A FREAKING CREDIT?!
That’s really distracting!
Anyway, we finally see one of the turtles, as whoever it is gets a …motorcycle and heads out into the city.
Some Foot soldiers show up and stop him in his tracks. He gets off and we see its Raphael.
He starts to fight them and-
We cut to splinter.
Okay, that’s just one cut. No problem.
Splinter is playing Chess with a blind man, but runs off to help Raphael.
Wait, why is he out in the open? The man is blind, but what if someone else sees?!
We cut to the other turtles doing stuff. Let’s see what they look like.
Hey, they don’t look half bad! They’re not good, but hell of a lot better than the 3rd movie!
They’re working on some…thingy and the turtles bicker.
They seem to have actual personalities at least. Donatello is smart, unlike the 3rd movie or the stage show, and mikey is…well mikey, and Leo is….the leader.
They’ve made some new tracking device and they head out to help Raph.
Then they head out to…the hummer.
Yes, they have a hummer
And they show it off. I mean they really show it off. They got sound effects; they show off the sides and everything.
It’s just a freaking hummer!
We cut back to Raph as his ass gets saved by splinter.
By that I mean Splinter shows up and the foot clan run like a bunch of pussies.
Splinter chews out Raph for going around town on a bike like a jackass.
You tell him Splinter.
The other turtles show up and Splinter scolds them for….I don’t know. They just went out to help. Raph is the one being a jackass.
After a scene with the shredder I won’t go into, we cut to Splinter mediating.
I thought he was meditating, not doing acid!
In this crack-land, Splinter talks to that old dude from earlier. They talk for a bit…then Raph enters the room and Splinter exits crack-land./
Wasn’t that scene so useful?
Splinter starts to scold Raph. Then we cut-
So we cut to that old dude and the chick from earlier as some shit is going down.
“As my adopted daughter and apprentice, it is time for you to understand the mysteries of the glass!”
Could that have BEEN any more forced?
So he randomly jumps into some backstory.
He says a long time ago there were a bunch of dragons and now they’ve come back to take the world.
And that’s pretty much it.
Then we…CUTTTTTTTT again.
I just found the main issue with this show:
It jumps around too much.
One minute the turtles are goofing off, the next splinter is having an acid trip.
We get some story but it’s mostly through lame exposition and shit,.
It’s a TV show, yes. But that’s no excuse to have NOTHING HAPPEN.
We see the turtle’s dicking around and Leo is doing the cement block thing. You know, when someone tries to chop the bricks and they get hurt?
Leo does it with his head.
Why Is Leo so freaking stupid?!
Great, now it’s the 3rd movie all over again.’
To another splinter acid trip.
We find out this is the dream world…they never explain what the hell it is or how it works, so don’t ask.
Some evil voice talks shit about splinter, then ….
STOP FUCKING CUTTING OR I WILL SUCK A DOZEN HORSE COCKS
So we cut to that old dude, as some…fire…face…thing,. Pops up and says he will invade the human world
You can’t hear it, but the way they say that is the worst acting this side of Tommy Wiseau.
After he says that we…
You know by now.
We join the turtles as the sewer is invaded by the foot clan.
We get a really entertaining fight scene here. It’s so stupid it’s funny!
But it’s still stupid.
They kick their asses in like a second, and the foot leave.
Why did that happen? Really?
We find out Splinter is sick and the turtles go to him and…
I won’t even bother. At this point, I don’t care.
We cut back to the old guy AGAIN who is also sick.
He tells the chick to go help Splinter and the turtles.
She takes off her hood to reveal…
A FEMALE TURTLE
WHAT A TWEEST!
And that, is where episode 1 ends.
….let’s watch episode two!
This is one of those 5 part pilots. Let’s see what crap episode two throws at us.
We get a previously on segment.
Which I will show you in my style:
A bunch of weird shit happened. There were cuts every few seconds. The turtles fucked around. The foot clan showed up for no reason. Some evil dragon dude wants to take over the world. Some old guy tells a female turtle to go to America.
That’s the gist of it.
EPISODE 2: East Meets west Part 2
So we begins episode two for real, and yes, the credits still have the karate chop thing.
The turtles head to the sewer after…doing something, when they see the female back in her hood. She’s with splinter and tells the turtles splinter is trapped in some dream world.
She takes off the hood showing the turtles she is a turtle
They laugh at the idea of a girl turtle;.
Just like I am.
And just like the creators of TMNT did cuz they HATED this show.
We find out her name is Shinobi and she was in the jar with them when they mutated.
So…she’s their sister.
Sure why not. Buttfuck the turtles up the ass.
“let me get this straight. Splinter has been abducted to a dream world by dragons”
“What about leprechauns? Are they there?”
Even don knows this shit is stupid/.
So after a pointless scene with shredder, we cut back to-
Yes another pointless cut to a pointless scene are you fucking shocked I’m not.
We cut to Leo and the chick, and yes I will keep calling her that, talking.
And we find this out.
“We’re not brothers”
Yes, in this show the turtles are not brothers. Why?
They want to fuck the chick.
But come on, you’re mutant turtles; surely incest isn’t out of the question.
(Speaking of surely, in a later episode in the series, they do the “Shirley” joke. Leslie neilson must be rolling in his grave)
They talk for less than a minute before….
You know by now.
So all of the turtles are in the sewers now. The chick sits down to mediate and now she’s in acid land./
Splinter is there as well with…some evil guy,.
I won’t bother showing a pic of him or his evil sidekick.
Imagine the lost muppet. Then imagine the muppet on acid.
There you go.
The evil guy talks about dragons for some reason and he wants the turtles in the dream world
This piece of shit has so little plot I’m shocked they felt the need to have a 5 part pilot.
She exits acid-land and heads outside for whatever reason.
The foot shows up and she notices them. She is about to do something when….
Yes, we FUCKING CUT.
Now you’re just cutting to a scene for 5 seconds before cutting back.
WHAT IS THE POINT?!
The turtles are talking about how horny they are for this girl, and Raph volunteers to help her around New York.
So heads out on that damn Motorcycle again.
He shows up to where the chick is…how she knew where she is, I have no idea.
She has already beaten up the foot, in a funny fashion, and thus Raph didn’t need to save her.
These turtles suck at saving people.
“Let’s go back to your toilet”
“That’s sewer b-“
Yea, this youtube video cuts him off when he says b.
….did he say…
Raph and the chick head back to the sewer and she tells them she has found the shredder plans to come to the sewer.
I forgot the shredder was in this,. Seriously, he’s done nothing!
I much prefer him to that muppet guy.
So they head to the foot clan’s hideout and the chick, whose name is now Venus, says this.
“This place emanates great anger’”
No, that would be me.
They break into the hideout, and for once,, nothing bad happens. No cuts, no plotholes, just some fun turtle action.
Yes, this show is getting entertaining.
I know, I ‘m shocked too.
Yes, it’s stupid/
But hell, it’s fun!
So they beat up the foot and they confront shredder.
He and Venus chat for a bit when…she uses her mind powers to destroy him.
I am not joke.
Her eyes flash and he disappears.
She explains that she “held up a mirror and gave him a choice to see the monster he had become”
Okay, but HOW DID YOU GET MIND POWERS TO BLOW HIM UP?!
She suggests that they head home and…the episode ends
That was short.
Well, that’s all I can take,.
I have a headeache.
While typing this I got a headache. It went away about halfway through this episode.
I really got one while doing this.
Was it the show, or what? Either way, I don’t care.
If you want to watch the rest of the 5 part pilot, go ahead. It’s on youtube.
Now do you see that the new movie won’t be so bad? They say it will have everything fans loved about it, and it will be action packed, and awesome
Which this is not.
The plot is cliché, nothing is explained, the characters are cardboard, the acting is wooden, and they keep cutting every few seconds.
But…it’s kind of fun. It’s so bad I had fun poking fun at it. They are so many problems that pissed me off but I had a lot fun with some of the fight scenes.
So in a way, it’s both horrible and horribly bad at the same time.
I’ve never seen anything like it.
It’s bad, but…it’s fun in a way.
But it’s still really fucking bad
Man, those two episodes drained me.
So Toon’d out month is coming to a close. Only one review left.
All this shitty movies have gotten to me.
I don’t care anymore. I’ll review anything at this point.
I don’t care.
It could be awful
A live action adaption the whole internet hates.
It could be the most awful thing people talk about.
Well Guys, toon in next time while we finally finish Toon’d out month with…Transformer 2.
God help me.
ALTERNATE TITLE CARD: http://darkskull12.deviantart.com/art/TMNT-Title-Card-292179442