Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue

The tale of a girl who can only be Crocker's long lost daughter.

The tale of a girl who can only be Crocker’s long lost daughter.

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s time once again to head into the world of Tinkerbell. This year, I started the review the direct to video Tinker bell films. I expected them to suck, but so far, they aren’t…that bad!

The first film was pretty average, but it at least had good Animation and voice acting. I actually kind of enjoyed the 2nd one, as it had a lot more effort put into it, and it had some nice emotional stuff, and more solid animation.

But now it’s time to take on the 3rd entry. There’s a whole to say about this one. It came out in 2010, and it I’m sure the director and writers did…stuff. This time, I don’t really care, and my internet is a bit wonky right now, so I can’t look it up and I’m sure they did nothing important.

The director of Planes left since the 2nd one, , so I’m sure it’ll be good. Yep, short intro but there’s a lot to say this time. The film have been slowly improving. Will this one continue that trend? Or will it be everything I though the first one would be?

Let’s see.

This, is Tinker Bell and The Great Fairy Rescue

The movie opens with narration about Fairies and how humans and fairies never met until one Summer they shall never forget. Then we’re hit with a generic opening song. We are re-introduced to Tink and that Generic Boyfriend guy as they are heading out for a montage.

It ends with them arriving at Fairy Camp. Well, this should be interesting. After some stuff, Tink sees a human family hanging out nearby and she decided to spy on them. She is mesmerized by the sight of a “Horseless Carriage” and this other fairy shows up to remind her that fairies can not interact with humans. Then Tink’s curiosity will get them in trouble and a big adventure will happen, right?

Tink overhears the little girl of the family saying a weirdly colored butterfly is the work of FAIRY GOD PAR-… I mean Fairies. Dad scolds her for believing in fairies, and Tink leaves. But on their way, they find a weird hut thing with a sign saying “Faries welcome”. The little girl made it because the plot said so.

Naturally, Tink goes in and the little girl starts walking toward the place. Vivdya tells Tink that someone is coming but she doesn’t believe her. Yeah, they’ve had this back and forth for the last like 5 minutes and it kind of got annoying.

Vidya leaves which allows Tink to get trapped and noticed and captured by the girl. Nice job, Bitch. The girl takes Tink home and takes her to her room and puts her in a bird cage. The girl leaves and Vidya heads back to Camp and tells everyone that Tink got captured.

Usually, I’d complain that the plot started so quickly but after 2 movies, I think we know who everyone is. They all build a float so they can head out in the rain and they head out. Back with Tink, she finds out that the little girl is nice. Despite this, she tries to escape and thanks to the rain, she can’t. The girl assures Tink that she loves fairies in the most sickeningly british-y way possible.

They hit it off and it’s all very cutes-y and stuff. Yeah, we’re at that point in the review and I’m sick of pointing out my problems cuz, as a certain reviewed has established, pointing out your problems does not make them go away.

…So let’s move on.

Dad comes in to share some of his “field journals” with the girl, to make up for the cliché he’s been put in, but the girl just keeps rambling on about fairies. He says fairies aren’t science or whatever. At this point, I think all fantasy writes love to offend smart people.

Dad leaves (way to be pointless) and Tink “tells” the girl she must leave, but again, the rain is a problem. Seriously, we get it. Rain sucks.

TinkerBell must stay with the girl and since she’s nice, everything is just peachy. Okay, let’s guess how this will go down. I think when the others show up, Tink will want to stay with the little girl. What do you think?

Tink “tells” the little girl all about fairies, and she writes it down in a journal called “Scientific Fairy Research’. I love a good oxymoron, or whatever you call it.

The girl wants to know how fiares are born, and Tink must be really glad the explnations is child friendly. We then get a montage of them being friends and I hate to admit it, but it’s kind of charming. This whole thing is getting more charming as it goes on. It’s “cute’, as every Mom ever calls it. On a tangent, if a Mom, or any adult you show children’s cartoon to, calls something cute, they really mean it sucks. Or they just don’t like it. I mean it in a “good” way.

After that, we get more rain river rafting adventures with the others, while is pretty cool to see, to be honest. The animation is decent here and we get some decent suspense as well. It’s cool, I guess.

Eventually, their “boat” crashes and they are stranded.

“Looks like we’re walking from here”

Back with Tink and the girl, they are still doing stuff and they plan to show her findings to her Dad. Cu he’s totally gonna be impressed with fairy stuff. Anally, the rain stops and Tink can leave. We’re 36 minutes into a 1 hour, 9 minute movie.

She’s not leaving.

They have a tearful goodbye that goes a bit overboard. By that I mean really overboard. The cute part of the “charm” only lasts so long, guys. Tink almost leaves, but she stays to see how things go with Dad. But he’s too busy with dealing with some leaks that happened due to the rain. Oh no, he’s trying to deal with an actual problem instead of shit that doesn’t matter, how horrible!

Lizzy, the little girl whose name I only found on Wikipedia (thanks, movie) gets all sad, and Tink comes back due to this. Great, the girl being all needy is stopping the plot from ending.

After some adventures with the other fairies, we get more sickeningly cute stuff with Tink and Lizzy. At least they balance it this stuff with the adventure subplot.

Tink fixes the leaks, hoping that will fix the Daddy problem. But she also rescues that butterfly he had captured, so when Lizzie talks to him, he’s focused on that He needed it for some…thing, and he thinks Elizabeth (fancy named only to be used when your parent is angry) rescued it.

“I didn’t do it, and since there’s no one else in the house, there is only one logical explanation”

FAIRES! ….What?

“It must have been done you”

MR KRABS: One: You stole it. Two: you stole it. Three: You stole it!

You have no idea how hard it was to pick which joke to go with, so I went with both,

Naturally, she can’t say she did it so everything sucks. Back with the other fairies, Vidiya admits that Tink being captured was her fault. They say it”s alright and we get a nice moment. Possible development over!

With that, they make it to Lizzie’s house. Lizzie sulks about this situation and it gets cheesy again. She talks about how she wants to be a fairy, so Tink uses magic to make her fly. This is cool and all but I figured we would focus on the fact that Tink got her in trouble. But you know, whatever.

The other fairies walk in and partake in some hijinks. All this noises catches the attention of Dad and goes to Lizzie’s room while she’s flying, She has to hide and it’s all very comedic. Her flying made a mess and he’s made about it. And once again, the fact that she can’t mention fairies gets her in trouble.

She says the truth and spoilers, he doesn’t believe her. She tries to prove it with her journal research, instead of you know…Tink herself. After he gets mad again, she finally comes out and she’s fucking pissed. That’s the only way to describe it, guys.

So yeah, he believes in fairies now. And he wants to take her to “the musem”. Gee, the guy science guy wants to use fairies for research? What a shock!

Vidya comes in as he says this and she jumps in his jar in place of Tink. Dad heads out while it’s raining, because this is way more important than the “My children is right” part of this. I mean, clearly the guys at the museum while understand if you waited til after the rain, right?

The other fairies show up and Tink tells them what happened. They can’t fly in the rain but with magic, Lizzie can due to having no wings to ruin. I’ll admit, I didn’t expect the climax to involve a little girl flying with the help of magic fairies. Nor did I expect it to happen due to plot contrive and character idiocy.

It’s a nice looking flying scene, at least. And yes, no one sees her lying because plot. On the bright side, the whole scene is pretty intense, and well animated. Eventually, Tink stops Dad’s car with her Tinkering skills but he’s close to the museum to it doesn’t matter. Thankfully, Lizzie catches up to him and he sees her flying.

She says that Faires helped her fly.

“You don’t have to understand. You just have to believe”

Gee, I wonder what the moral is.

So now he believes, and he apologies for being kind of a dick. And then the fairies help them fly home and it’s all very magical. The music kind of helps, I guess. We cut to the next day as Tink, Dad, Lizzie, and the other fairies are having a picnic/tea party thing. I suppose the Dad thing is wrapped up, but I have no real comments about the message regarding him or his portrayal and his cliché or whatever. So yeah, let’s wrap this up.

Dad reads up on Faries, Tink feels good knowing that her careless helped someone somehow, and cheesy music takes us out. Roll credits!

Eh, about as fitting of an ending as I expected at this point, really. Also, 4 writers?

Final Thoughts:

So, how did this one fare compared to the other movies? Well, it’s better than the first movie, and more or less on the same level as the second. Not better or worse, but It it’s pretty crazy in terms of strengths and weakness.

Let’s go other the characters. At this point, we can’t expect amazing character development, and this one is the same. Not too much development for our establish characters is in this one, since Tink didn’t really learn anything. Viidya has something but it’s not much.

And since we don’t have that much character focus this time, that’s not a good thing. Thankfully, it’s not a huge problem because there’s more focus on new charecters. And as ar as they go…Meh?

Lizzie is just a cute little girl and she’s not very interesting. She believes in faries and has cliché Daddy issues. That’s it. However, the writers clearly tried their hardest to make her relationship with Tink compelling and it almost works. I don’t know, just the way it’s presented can be pretty charming at times and it can be interesting to watch sometimes. On her own, she’s boring but the way she’s presented isn’t that bad.

The same can be said with the Daddy stuff. It’s pretty cliché and unlike, say, Epic, there’s no attempt to do anything different with it. It’s especially insulting when he’s treated as the bad guy for wanting to fix leaks!

But overall, they use a nice message with him and once again, all the effort the writers put into trying to make this interesting shows. It’s not quite as interesting as the Lizzie/Tink stuff can be, but it almost works at times. But overall, I didn’t care that much for him.

The story is intentionally supposed to be simple, so there’s nothing to comment on here. But I will say I like how they balanced out the cute stuff with the adventure stuff. It keeps things from getting dull, at least.

One thing I will say is that this has the best animation of the 3 so far. There’s a lot of really cool stuff in the rain scenes and the climax looks really nice. Not too bad for a direct to video movie.

With this move, it has a pretty generic script, making it lesser than the 2nd, but it has quite a bit of passion put into it. The music, animation, and allover charm make it kind of fun to watch at times, and I can see someone getting emotionally invested in this.

The writing did a better job at this in the 2nd one, but this one also did an okay job when it comes to the presentation.

Overall, this one is alright. It’s has flaws, but it’s watchable due to the way it’s presented. It doesn’t continue the trend of the films getting better, but it keeps the trend of the films being more surpsing.

Seriously, how did a series like this end up being so…not horrible? Either way, this one is okay. And we’ll get to the next one sooner than you think…

Grade: B-

Next week is Thanksgiving. So naturally, I will tackle the best Thanksgiving movie ever made! I just have one questions: Are you a bad enough dude to get Turkey off the menu via complicated time travel?!

See ya.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

The tagline makes my job way too easy.

The tagline makes my job way too easy.

Hello, Spongey here.

So pretty soon, we’ll be getting a proper sequel to the 1994 Jim Carrey Comedy Dumb and Dumber. I’m not sure how many people asked for it, but it gives me an excuse to review the crappy prequel. …Well supposedly crappy.

For whatever reason, in the Mid to late 2000′s, they made a bunch of sequels to Jim Carrey movies, without Jim Carrey. This is mostly because he refused to make sequels after Ace Ventrua 2. But then he watched these movies and decided to clean up the mess with a proper sequel. Good on him.

We’ve looked at Son of the mask, but there’s also Evan Almighty, Ace Ventura Jr, and today’s topic. No, I had actually never seen the original film, despite owning it. (Don’t you hate it when you own a movie you still haven’t seen?). But for this review, I finally watched it.

Yeah, it was good. Certainly not one of the best things ever, but it was funny and it worked pretty well for what it was. Not of Carrey’s best, but it was fine. Also, the awkward-ish guy going after a girl actually didn’t get the girl in the end, and the husband she turns out to have is not an asshole.

Wow.

Anyway, not a ton of materiel for a Sequel, but we’ll see how that goes. If they could make a freaking animated series feasting Patrick Star in some insane foreshadowing, they can make a sequel. But in 2003, they thought a Sequel wasn’t enough.

So they made a prequel. Even the biggest fans of the original didn’t give a single fuck about how these 2 met, but Hollywood doesn’t care what you ask for at this point. It just seems like an odd idea.

But hey, maybe it will be good. Granted, I doubt the man behind creepy Micheal Keaton Jack Frost could pull it off, but we’ll see. So let’s see if this is good, or if the writers are the “Dumber” one in this situation.

This, is Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

The movie opens with Harry being born. As in, the first shot is a POV shot of him exiting the wound. Lovely. Soon after, the title pops up and a police car bumps into it. Okay, that’s funny.

That cop is there, because we cut to 8 years later, as he has been called by Harry to get his Imaginary Friend out of a well. Yes. Then we cut to Ten years later, as Lloyd is getting ready for school with his Janitor Father. His connections allow me to arrive there early to get ready via an unfunny montage. Then he leaves to go to…school. Either he’s that dumb or he goes to another School, which is odd.

Either way, this allows him to bump into Harry. I didn’t think the epic meeting would take place a mere 6 minutes in but I guess the conflict will be some other pointless stuff. They hit it right away with some hit or miss gags.

It’s in the spirit of the humor of the original, but I don’t know. Something feels…off. Anyway, Harry is looking for a treasure on his Mom’s request which will likely come into play later. The two head to school and Harry falls in love with a girl on first sight.

I’ve seen the original. No such girl was there. This will fall through so there’s no reason to care in this movie. Same problem every prequel has. Next!

He talks to the girl and her name is Jessica, played by Rachel Nichols. She was in Rise of Cobra which is weird given how different the roles and films are. Anyway, they bump into a cliché bully who does cliché bully things.

We cut to the Principal, played by Eugene “I’ll do anything for a pay check” Levy. He’s evil and wants to make a bunch of money so he can go to Hawaii with hi girlfriend. Because Dumb and Dumber needed a cliché villain like this, right?

While that’s going on, Harry and Lloyd are hung by the flagpole, which is seen by the Principal. Seeing that, he establishes a fake “special needs” class to swindle $100,000 from the local community. Guess who he uses to start it up.

Their first assignment is to pick the rest of the class. They must find students that are just as special as them. I can’t see this going wrong.

Their first pick is a guy who broke his leg and arm in an accident., They think he’s a crippled boy which is…not funny. Then they pick the bully because reasons. Then they pick a Football played named Carl. Then we have a Chinese Exchange student to give us some dumb jokes.

And last, but clearly not least, we have the guy in the school’s horse mascot costume. They think he’s a Centaur cuz the costume is a horse. And he’s played by Shia LaBeouf …I didn’t see that coming. Is it sad that this isn’t the dumbest thing he’s been in?

So we have the Jock, the cripple, the Asian, the bully, and Shia Labeouf. Together, we have the League of Stereotypes!

That night, Lloyd spends the night at Harry’s house so we can have a bonding scene of some kind. Also, Lloyd thinks Harry’s Mom is hitting on him. It’s not funny, next!

The next day, Is the first day of the Special Needs class. Lloyd plays the part of teacher for now and this leads to some typical school cliches played up for humor. The other kids find all of this odd, but since this allows them to skip other classes and do what they want,they roll with it.

“There’s nothing more American than not doing anything and getting away with it”

Amen!

After an annoying and pointless store scene, with a wasted Brian Posehn cameo, we get an annoying and pointless brain freeze scene. Seriously, the dumb humor was tolerable before, but everything in this scene is incredibly annoying.

The next day, the special needs class heads on their short bus, on a field trip, and we get a lot of gags about that while Jessica, suspicious of it all, drives behind them. They lose her and they arrive at a Museum and before we get jokes about that, Jessica magically pops up to tell Harry about her suspicions. Sort of, she doesn’t flat out say she thinks the class is a fraud, cuz that would require this plot to stop now, and we don’t want that!

She asks Harry to show up at her place later, and Harry thinks it’s a date. Joy. He shows up at her house later and she’s about to tell him everything. But cuz he has the hots for her, and thinks is all something else, he’s distracted by the sexy. It’s…dumb. Gee, I wonder what the word of the day will be.

Harry gets worked up and goes to the bathroom where he mistakes melted chocolate on his hands (idk where it came from) for…well you can take a wild guess. Then he pulls out a Chocolate bar from h his pants. Well, that answers my question.

Jessica asks if he’s coming out, and he tries to sneak out the window only to bump into Llloyd who happens to be there. Lloyd tells him to do the cliché where he tells him what stuff to say to his girl.

Harry changes clothes and stays for dinner. Lloyd, through the window, tells him to repeat everything he says, to her. Guess what happens. Yep, crazy stuff that forces Harry to say dumb things. It would funny if it wasn’t so forced.

Speaking of forced things that aren’t funny, we have the dinner scene. Lloyd is caught and Jessica talks to him about the stuff going on, but it goes over his head, like it did with Harry. Lloyd agrees to get her in to the princpal’s office and she kisses him on the cheek, which is seen by Harry

“Two timing slut!”

Oh fuck, this cliché. And it’s interrupted by Dad discovering the chocolate/shit in the bathroom”

“THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE. GODDAMNIT. MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT. THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE. LOOK WHAT HE DID. HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALL.”

LOUD NOISES. But seriously, thank you for the migraines, jack ass.

After a pointless dream sequence, Lloyd gets Jessica into the principal’s office a few hours later. Sadly, she doesn’t find anything important. And then her boyfriend comes to pick her up. Okay, I got this cliché twice in a row? What the hell?!

Seriously, how does she not know he has the hots for her? I think I know who is the “Dumberer” one is!

He stays to clean up a mess he made, and he finds a treasure chest. Okay then. He takes it to Harry but he’s still pissed. So they are no longer friends, and Lloyd is really annoying about it. Then we are hit with the sad montage. I wish I could care about this characters, but in this movie they are reduced to being annoying and rather one dimensional.

Now that were anything great in the original, but they were at least charming. Here? Not so much. That and trying to get us emotional after that “Shit’ joke is kind of stupid.

After that, Lloyd shows up at Harry’s house with a fake polar bear from a museum. We get a Family Guy Cutaway to that museum with a little girl wondering where the Daddy bear is. Her Mom says he was shot, just like her father.

That’s not funny.

This pleases Harry for some reason and they are all happy now. Well, just like in our last movie, the friend break up was pointless because it was resolved too quickly. Either commit to this dumb cliché or don’t do It at all!

The Principal discover that his chest is missing. The chest has Evidence of the scams they pulled. Wah wah. They suspect Jessica, of course. We cut to the Special Needs class later, as the teacher asks for ideas for the Thanksgiving day float. Huh, I get to tackle two Thanksgiving months this month!

At least there’s no time paradoxes in this one. They settle on a float of George Washington cuz why not. The other kids don’t want to make a float, but they have to in order to stay in the class or whatever.

Cue stupid montage!

After that, we cut to the Principal kidnapping Jessica to find out where the chest is. Then it cuts to another pointless scene of Lloyd and Harry being annoying at the store. I’d be pissed if I cared.

Thankfully, this scene kind of has a point as they are in the exact area where the Principal stopped to make a phone call. They think he is her boyfriend cuz of course. They decided to go spy on her and take chase via shopping cart.

Thus, we have the epic chase scene with Eye of the tiger playing in the background.. ..While, at least the movie is easier to listen to now.

The Principal l takes her to his office and asks about his chest. Of course, she doesn’t know. Wait, how did she not notice the chest in the first place?

Harry and Lloyd pop up in the window and she asks them about the chest. She tells them to go get the chest and they leave to do so. They argue about who gets the “treasure” and they mock that cliché where the friends let a treasure get in the way of friendship, which would be funny if it…again, wasn’t so forced. They open the chest anyway, which IS a little bit funny.

The chest contains a bunch of files and stuff that reveals the principal’s evil plans. They find a cassette, which they think is a mix tape. And then we cut to the thanksgiving parade a little later. Oh hey, that’s important to the plot.

They turn the George Washington float into a Principal float. They bring the chest with them and the other special needs kids discover the big evil plan going on. I still can’t believe this kind of crap is in a Dumb and Dumber movie. I know the first film had some stuff like this but it didn’t feel quite as…pointless.

Speaking of the Principal, he gets a visit from the Super independent, who is here to see the Special Needs Kids. And they have the rigged the float to play the cassette which has him admitting his plan. Of course it was that easy.

A Cop car shows up (that was fast) and he tries to escape. Thankfully, the float captures him, by accident. And so he is carted away. Wow, that was insultingly easy. Though I shouldn’t be shocked at this point.

Our heroes are obviously oblivious to this and they focus on the fact that Jessica’s actual boyfriend shows up. They mock him and then just leave. And thus, that entire aspect of the movie was pointless!

“This experience has soured me on women forever”

“We should never let a woman come between us again”

“That’s never gonna happen. This has taught us a lesson, we’ll never forget that”

It’s a funny cuz a woman comes between them and they forget their lesson making this movie pointless.

Then some hot chicks randomly pop and asks them if they want to come with them to their all girls college. Yes, this is a blatant rehash of that bit from the first movie…but here they know that they are being hit on an try to make sure no woman comes between them. Harry picks the girl he wants and it’s the one Lloyd wants.

“You take her”

“No, I don’t wanna do his to you”

Why are you taking a quick gag and stretching it out? It’s not funny. Eventually, they decline their offer and they punish them in return. What was the point of that?!

And then Harry is hit the car of Jessica’s Dad…while he’s covered in mud. Which…looks like.

“You’re covered in shit!”

Goddammit! Just end already!

And the two pals walk away while Dad screams again. And with an iris out mirroring the womb opening, the credits roll. Does that mean this movie just aborted itself?

Either way, the ending was abrupt and went on too long. How do you do that?! Whatever. Wait, Jessica’s Dad was Bob Saget? The hell?

Final Thoughts:

I’ve finally found the most pointless movie ever made. That’s this movies biggest problem: It has no reason to exist. I enjoy the first film fine but I really didn’t give a shit about their past. They’re funny but they aren’t THAT interesting as characters, so a story about their past just isn;t going to work.

Especially when you make the whole thing predictable and pointless with the lazy writing. I feel like I got nothing out of this movie. It’s not even mind bogglingly awful, it’s just really really lame!

I’m not even going to go over the characters, as they are all flat with no real character to speak of. Lloyd and Harry are just dumb with very little of their original charm,Jessica is okay but only fufuisl her cliché role, and the Principal is a generic villain whose jokes are too weird to be funny. And then the special needs kids are just pointless with only one joke to their name,.

I’m not sure if I should be pissed or happy that Shia gets nothing to do.. ..This was back when he had talent so I’ll say pissed.

Oblivious, you don’t dynamic characters for a movie like this, but at least make them kind of funny. I’ll forgive the story being cliché as the story wasn’t exactly the highlight of the first film, but I liked how it played out. Here however, it’s just dull and pointless.

Comedy wise, it’s far from the worst, but it’s hit or miss. It almost seems like it’s the spirit of the orginal, and some jokes work, but a lot of it is really annoying and stupid, especially in the 2nd half.

I just couldn’t bring myself to care about this one at all. It’s annoying, cliché, and pointless. Like I said, it has no reason to exist. You could do a lot with a normal sequel, that expands on the characters in a natrual way, but making it a prequel just sounds…dumb.

So yeah, this movie was lame. Not awful, but pretty weak. I’m not sure if the new one is gonna be good, but it has to be better than this. As a side note, the actors do good Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels impersonations, but with a crappy script, it doesn’t matter. Like Harry, it’s covered in shit.

Grade: C-

Next week, more Tinkerbell. Yay?

See ya.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

21 & Over

New Schedule, Same Crap.

New Schedule, Same Crap.

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, today is the start of my new schedule. Sorry my last couple reviews went south. No Marked Ones, and No last Halloween review. This is part why I’m switching to doing a review every Wednesday instead of every 4 days.

So we’ll start our new schedule with a movie no one remembers! …It was on Netflix, and I needed something easy this week. But seriously, when this movie came out, it got negative reviews and than it vanished forever.

It popped up in some worst list but otherwise, everyone forgot about it. I think it’s because it doesn’t even look memorable. It’s the latest in a long line of movies trying to ripoff The Hangover.

Now, I still enjoy that film and I like some of the the R rated Comedies that have spawned from this trend, but the trend has also given us some really awful movies. It seems like every other Comedy tries to rip off The Hangover to get the same success. Most of the time, they fail, like today’s movie.

This one was just written off as another bad Comedy and based on the reviews, it looks like another bad Comedy. I’m just reviewing this to see how boring it is, but I suppose I may get decent jokes out if it. You never know.

We have the same 2 people as the directors and writers: The same genius behind Rebound, The Change Up and …The Hangover. Oh boy, this should be fun. They think sharing the writers gives it an excuse to be a rip off. Yeah…no. And based on their track record, I don’t think I’ll enjoy this film.

But I won’t know that until I shut up and get started, so let’s do that.

This, is 21 & Over

The movie opens with two naked guys walking with bruised asses and socks over their privates. …That’s one way to start a movie.

We cut to one day earlier as we are introduced to one of our heroes, a dumbass drunk who is visiting his friend for his 21st birthday. I know I’m going to love him. I mean, he drinks, swears, and makes dumb jokes.

Why wouldn’t I love him? Oh yeah, cuz he’s not funny.

Before we visits the birthday boy, he picks up his other friend, and we see he is a College kid and he is normal. So that means he will be the stick in the mud who is somehow friends with an asshole. Wow, we’re only 3 minutes in and this movie has no originality in it’s entire runtime.

The dumb one says he has the hots for the smart one’s sister, who just turned 16. He is 21. ENOUGH SAID. After some banter and out an out of context line-

“Can we cool it with the sister fucking?”

-they arrive at the house of the birthday day boy. He’s Asian and his name is Chang. ….This is gonna suck, isn’t it? Chang’s Dad does not approve of the kids and of course it’s for legitimate reasons, but he is treated as a bad guy anyway.

Chang has a med school interview coming up, and his Dad really wants him to get the job and oh my god, this is cliché. Asshole drunk friend, slightly more likable friend, Smart Normal Asian with a jerkass Dad…..It’s hitting all the notes this type of movie usually hits.

Then again, I should have expected this from the writers of the most cliché Sports movie ever made.

They want Chang to go out for his Birthday but of course Change needs to go that Med school stuff. The drunk friend is not happy. Yes, they have names but that’s all your gonna call him anyway.

He gives a bullshit speech which includes good old fashioned racism! Ugh. It goes on too long and none of it is funny. No one wants to go along with Drunk friend’s plan but they are forced too when he annoys them with an Airhorn.

“What kind of asshole has an Air horn in his backpack?”

Oh look, I found a new spot on my Hated Characters list, right next to Tucker.

He tells then they will just go out and get one Beer. Which means they will get completely wasted, and oh look that is exactly what happens. What a shock. While at the bar, they talk about pointless crap and Drunk Friend says this will be the last Summer they share together cuz this needs to be even more cliché.

College Friend hits it off with a girl named Nicole and we get tolerable dialogue for once. Even if it’s typical obvious love interest stuff. Actually, it switches between amusing and tedious, but it’s a step up.

At least until Drunk Friend complains about College Friend being different or whatever. Chang accidentally hits some jackass with a dart and a fight ensues. Ah yes, a bar fight for a forced reasons. Another time honored cliché.

Thankfully, they decided to leave before it gets bigger. Sadly, this separates College Friend from Quirky Bland Love Interest. I’m so torn up about this. They plan to hit one more bar before going home. Well, they’re dead.

Chang, now drunk, acts like a jackass while in the next bar and Drunk Friend joins in for an annoying bar montage. Yeah, I’m pretty grumpy so far but unlike the PA review you never saw, I’m in a perfectly fine mood. It’s the movie’s fault this time.

After the montage, Chang has pretty much passed out and now they must get him home. However, they don’t remember Chang’s address which causes some problems. College Friend says Nicole knows Chang and they can find her to get his address. The plot convenience O-Meter-is detecting insane amounts of bullshit.

College Friend calls out Drunk Friend for being a dick which makes him the new best character. This is put on hold once they find a gun in Chang’s pocket. They just move on which means it will be important later. A blatant but literal Chekov’s Gun.

Anyway, they find Nicole’s Sorority house and they are greeted by chicks who want nothing to do with them. So now they must sneak in because this film really wants to be as cliché as possible.

After an out of context line-

“Shrek was fucking tight”

-they decide to put Chang in a Bathroom since his drunken ramblings will get them caught. Along the way, College Friend and Drunk Friend encounter two blindfolded women preparing to be paddled as part of their sorority initiation ritual. Their “Pledge Mistress” is not there because the plot needs a pointless unfunny Comedy Skit.

Drunk Friend decides to spank them because he’s a dick and he needs to be a dick so they can caught. To make it worse, Drunk Friend speaks up and says there’s a new part of their initiation where they must make out with each other. I understand you want this “plot” to move on but making your Comedy Relief as annoying, cliché, and unlikable as possible is not the way to go.

Christ, even having a character be annoying and dick-ish to get our heroes in trouble is a cliché at this point! Also, pointless Lesbian Fanservice is pointless.

Then everything falls apart as they find out this is the wrong Sorority and Chang is caught. That causes them to be outed as intruders. Before you say anyway, Drunk Friend decided to get Chang run so it’s all his fault, still..

They figure out that Nicole’s Sorority is next door and they quickly find her. They talk and she actually respects College Friend for being willingly do all this crazy stuff. It’s just another cliché to throw in the pile. From her, they find out that Chang is actually failing school right now, despite Drunk Friend thinking he’s smart cuz his Asian. Sigh.

But that’s not important as we must get him home. Nicole doesn’t know his address, but her friend Randy might know. He’s at a party so they must go there to find him. Yep, we have a party scene shoved in because…at this point, I won’t question it. Okay, it does flow a bit more naturally than the rest of the film but come on, it’s so cliché.

They head there and find out Randy is Nicole’s boyfriend. Okay, tired Cliche #4435 aside, this chick is a huge bitch to not tell him that during all of their flirting. Seriously, this cliché tends to force me to forget previous scenes but this is especially crappy. Ugh.

“I thought she would have said something earlier”

Same.

Naturally, College Friend goes on about the boyfriend during the next scene. They arrive at the party and find Randy who turns out to be the jackass from the bar. Of course he is. We need more forced conflict. Also, asshole boyfriend cliché! Chris, do we need the cliché count again?!

Randy hears that they came from Nicole and he decides to be a dick because of that. The gun from earlier comes into play as Drunk Friend threatens Randy with it. Naturally, insanity ensues.

Long story short, they get Randy’s phone containing Chang’s address and they leave. They arrive at this place but suddenly, Drunken Friend reveals he dropped out of College 2 years ago. It’s really forced.

It’s mostly there to force in “development” with the Drunken guy that doesn’t work cuz he’s been such a dick so far. It works in movies where the “funny” one is actually likable or, at least ACTUALLY FUNNY.

So the bullshit drama in this scene doesn’t work. Anyway, the place they arrive it is not Chang’s Home as it is bigger and taken over by a wild party. Yeah, more forced detours! They go in cuz some guy who lives at the wrong house will know Chang. Actually, no this plan is fucking stupid.

But, against all logic, the woman who lives there knows Chang and it turns out this is his old house, and she doesn’t know where he lives now. Also, she swears a lot to please the 8 year olds.

There’s a guy at the party that knows Chang’s new address but he’s kind of powerful so they gotta play some games to get up to him. Even by this film’s standards, this comedic set piece is forced as all hell.

While they do that, they leave Chang in the hands of some random Stoners. …I hate these people. College Friend bumps into Nicole at this party (cuz duh) and they talk about Randy without bringing up the fact that he’s a freaking sociopath. She says what she sees in him and it’s stuff that is the opposite of what we saw.

Seriously, tell her Randy was literally the bigger douche ever. No? Whatever, you’re gonna hook up with her anyway. Speaking of him, she gets a text saying he got ran over by a Buffalo and he’s in the hospital. Yeah, that was an outdoor party and some Buffalo were there because fuck you, that’s why. The gunshot scared them and he got hurt.

She leaves to check on him and the movie moves on. They finally get up to the big head guy and he’s this weird looking dude on a throne who acts like a weird king dude. It’s…not the least funny thing in this, but it’s kind of weird.

They talk and he tells us that Chang was almost arrested for attempted murder back at his old house.

“He had a gun and fucking used it”

Well, that’s interesting. Sadly, he doesn’t know his current address making all of this pointless. Seriously, their memory had to be taken down a peg so they would have to look for his address, even though they were at his place earlier

Chang comes to but he just gets drunk again. To make things worse, the stoners wrote “Douchebag” on his forehead, dressed him in a lacy bra and glued a teddy bear to his penis. Told you I hate these people.

Drunk Chang runs away which leads to an EPIC CHASE SCENE OF EPIC EPIC-NESS. Or something. He’s caught by the police and then his Dad shows up. Yeah, one of those angry Sorority girls went around asking people if they’ve seen the 3 guys so they can find them and kills them or something. Dad was one of those people and he went looking for Chang, which is why he’s here now.

But the Sorority Girl thing was dropped all together as if it was only there to get Dad here. However, Dad pops up in a certain place where he can’t see that the random drunk guy is Chang and when he looks behind him, Chang is being put into a police car. Thus, they are in the clear for now.

Yes, the way they did that is INCREDIBLY contrived and stupid but goddammit, I gave up on asking for a good plot a long time ago. Dad is gone but now they gotta head to the police station to get Chang.

They get there, but they find out that Chang has been taken to Health Services. But before they can figure out what that means, the Latina Sorority Girls pop up back into the plot and kidnap them. Oh yay, a forced plot point gives us a forced climax to match!

They are taken to a weird room where they are shackled, and naked, with tube sucks in front of their ….areas.

“Welcome to the Tribunal of Justice”

Oh joy.

They are on “trial” for the crap they did.

“Guilty as charged”

Not much of a trial. Their punishment is to spanked which fits. I’m completely okay this. Actually, let me get some popcorn. The drunk friend warns them he has a skin condition on his upper high, and he is immediately struck there.

Hey, this movie is finally picking up!

After that is sadly finished, they move on to the 2nd punishment. The boys must make out. …If Drunk Friend is unhappy, I’m all for it. Even if it’s a tasteless gay joke. I won’t even question how a sorority could operate like this.

They kiss and it lasts a little bit which is…interesting. Then we cut to the very scene the film opened with. Wait, that’s it? The chicks just did that. WEAK PAYOFF IS WEAK.

College Friend finally calls Drunk Friend out for pulling all of this.

“Man, we’re done….We’re fucking over”

YAY!

He really lets him have it, and it is amazing. Drunk Friend tries to fire back, as he says College Friend has changed and yada yada. They try to make it sad/dramatic but it fails complerly. Drunk Friend does nothing but bring people trouble, and College Friend is acting like a normal guy who grows up.

I don’t care if they are doing the thing where he needs to loosen up or whatever, it fails!

“You’re just the same fucking desperate low life loser that you’ve always been”

They make it to Health Services (without getting any clothes for some reason) and get some clothes there, How convenient. They bump into Nicole there, (at least it makes sense this time) and she says Randy got pissed at her and they broke up. Finally.

“It was a long time coming”

The fact that this happened off screen shows how pointless this plot point was. Nicole leaves, and they find out that Chang is on 24 hour hold. He’s been in here before, due to the whole attempted murder thing from earlier. And he also tried to commit suicide. And this minor subplot is coming together, and it’s getting interesting!

However, they are now at a dead end. For now, they focus on the fact that Chang didn’t call on his best friends when he was feeling suicidal and stuff like that.

“We suck”

True that.

The drama ends when they realize something. See, earleir on a crazy dud dressed as an Indian known as Chief was dancing in front on Chang’s house, and they bumped into him a dozen times over the course of the film as a lame running gag. Suddenly, they realize they walked by Chang’s place a dozen times and Chang was trying to tell them through his drunken rambles.

Well, that’s a lame pay off.

‘We are officially two of the biggest morons in the world”

…Too easy.

So now they gotta break Chang out, Sober him up and get him to his Dad for the Med school stuff. Wait, how does Dad not know of the crap Chang has been up to? He was arrested for attempted murder,for god’s sake!

They get Chang but Randy and some dudes pop up for no reason and give chase. Did we really need more conflict? We have enough, guys. They drive away (not sure if this is Chang’s car or some car they jacked, I don’t care) and we get a car chase,

They get to Chang’s place and clean him up. However, Chang is unsure if he even wants to do this. He reveals that he’s not suicidal, he’s just stressed due to his Dad and the Med School stuff. He was hopped up on pills when he tried to off himself that one time.

Dad is about to show up and we are about to get our big drama moment. So is this movie about College Friend and Drunk Friend’s stuff or Chang’s Stuff? Actually, I’ll address all of that in the final thoughts, let’s just get this shit done.

Instead of a drama moment, Randy and his friends show up. Seriously, why is he still in this movie? His subplot was lazily done, and forced to begin with! His friends are pretty insane, as they smash stuff for no reason.

“That was my laptop”

“Fuck your laptop, get a desktop bitch!”

…Okay, that was kind of funny.

Before anything can happen, Chang’s Dad shows up. What happens? Randy threatens Dad and Dad beats the shit out of him. Okay, that’s fucking awesome!

Then it moves on to Cahng having a talk with his Dad. Mood Whiplash ftw! Seriously, you just showed how pointless Randy is. He tells Dad he doesn’t wanna go to Med School and all that . Unlike that bit with College Friend, Chang is having a problem and it makes sense for him to not want to do stuff his Dad wants him to do. Too bad this is cliché as all hell.

‘Okay…i get it. …You’re even dumber than I thought”

You almost redeemed his one dimensional Dad. But then the writers realized what movie this was. Woo-hoo.

“I can’t believe I raised a worthless piece of shit like you!”

Chris, talk about a terrible father. Chang tells Dad to leave and he does. WHAT AN AMAZING CLIMAX! But eh, it works if you cared about this crap. All none of you.

Randy leaves and they all celebrate a happy ending. Chang is happy to has his Dad off his back, and he can live his life the way he wants to. As long as the harsh reality that he must get a steady job at one point sets in.

College Friend runs off and meets up with Nicole, because this movie really doesn’t want to focus on one plot point for more than 4 minutes. Seriously, if I cared more about Chang’s little moment, I would be pissed we switched over to this.

They kiss and that tells us all we need to know. They are hooking up and the writers didn’t put any more dialogue cuz they don’t care about having any depth in their romance. What was the point of that, again?

We cut to Three Months Later with the friends, plus Nicole at a huge Party thing. Drunk Friend is going back to College (Glad his development was forced as all hell!) and he doesn’t’ want to get too messed up. What are College Friend, Nicole, and Chang’s lives like outside of this party? No idea, the movie doesn’t fucking care at this point.

We then cut to Drunk Friend arriving late for College in crutches and weird hair. So everything happened all over again, cuz Comedic Book Ends doesn’t cheapen anything at all. Also, the admission Professor is Chef.

Roll Credits. Eh, it was rushed and it makes some parts pointless, but I don’t think anyone cares at this point. I’m just glad it’s over, and I can do my full rant. Yay.

Final Thoughts:

Well, that kind of sucked. Okay, to be honest, It was far from the worst movie ever. Hell, it’s not even the worst of it’s kind, but my god, is it one of the most tedious and cliche. This movie is a mess, and I’ll explain why.

I think you know what this film’s biggest problem is: It’s hopeless cliché. It has absolutely No identity of it’s own. From the Characters, to the story, to the jokes, it tries way too hard to be like The Hangover, it becomes a sad rip off. Everything you see in a R Rated Comedy is in here. Cursing for the sake of it, a wild night gone wrong, crazy Asian, messy plot, annoying unlikable comic relief, etc etc.

There’s nothing original about this movie. Even the crazy jokes feel like they’ve been done a million times. All the characters are cliché archetypes. Hell, College Friend and Chang are almost interchangeable, as they fill in the role of the guy who actually has a life and doesn’t approve of Drunk Friend. And don’t get even more started on the writing for the characters, which I’ll get to a moment.

College Friend is dull and while he’s the most likable character, everything he does is so typical that I can’t even care about him. His love interest is okay but she’s forced in for no reason and she just exists to get the plot into weird places. Even the Sorority Girl crap doesn’t contribute a lot in the end.

Chang is the annoying Asian and nothing more. He’s semi likable but they mostly use him for more cliches. I think his whole Suicidal stuff had potential but they don’t focus on it enough for it to work, and the stuff with the Dad ends very weakly.

Then we have Drunk Friend. He’s less annoying than Tucker but he’s just as terrible in some places. He’s annoying and brings nothing but pain. Thus, the attempts at Drama with him fail. It all leads to nothing anyway, as they just become friends again with no real make up scene. He sucks, cuz he’s so typical. Not as bad as Kosta or Tucker but just as stupid.

I give them credit for trying on the drama front in some places, but it just doesn’t work due to some messy writing. Even the harsher critics don’t even begin to realize how messy this script is.

See, films as the Harold and Kumar trilogy have a somewhat messy plot with random things happening. But those film stuff have a clear path. Everything naturally comes together and the next event ties into the previous scene. Even the pointless scenes at least manage to be funny in some way.

Nothing in this film is natural. It tries to be like those movies but nothing makes any sense. Everything that happens is forced in for no reason and I would forgive this if anything added up to anything. But no. Randy leads to a weak climax, and the path there is paved with plot holes and endless plot conveniences. I ranted on some of them on the review, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

Another problem is the focus. While it’s okay to have a few subplots here and there, it feels like nothing matters because too much stuff is going in. WE have focus on College Friend but we also have Focus on Chang. If both of them had a good ending, this would be fine. But no.

Everything with College Friend is forced and by the end, he has no real restolution He hooks up with a chick and he’s friends with the Drunk again. Whoop dee freaking doo. Chang’s story ends, but it’s not written well at all.

Ugh, I can go on for hours about this, but I won’t. It’s not the most painfully annoying/unfunny Comedy ever, but it’s not very funny either, so it can’t even make up for it’s flaws with Comedy. The acting is fine I guess, but again, it can’t make up for the crappy script.

Overall, it’s the most cliché R Rated Comedy I’ve ever seen. The characters are either annoying or typical, the jokes are cliché, and the story is a mess. I suppose the insanity and style can make it fun for some, but for everyone else, this movie is an easy Skip.

In other words, it’s what you expect from the writers of Rebound and The Change-Up, but not what you expect from the writers of The Hangover. But at this point, I guess it is.

Grade: D-

Wow, haven’t dug that grade out in awhile. So there you go, my new schedule is in place. Next week, I look at a prequel no one asked for. ..No, not that one.

See ya.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Important Review Annoucement

Hello, Spongey here.

So, I have an important announcement today, regarding my play by play movie reviews. As you all may know, I do reviews every 4 days, doing 20 minutes of the film each day and posting the review on day 4. I’ve been doing since like…Early 2013, at least.

But if you payed attention at all, you may notice some schedule slip here and there. A good chunk of the reviews come out one day later than expected, and this has happening for awhile now. This is not a huge deal, but it is starting to add up. You may also notice I do other things more often, mostly on Deviant Art where I post those Notepage and 1001 Animations things, and other things ripped off from Mr Enter.

And as of right now, I’m working on a bunch of lists and stuff that is not related to movie reviews. You know, the main thing you come to this blog for. Yeah, there’s a reason for that: Lack of passion.

I’m sure every reviewer suffers burn out at some point. Especially once you get into the swing of things and do reviews all the time. That happens because you are in your prime, getting new ideas left and right. But eventually, things get tiring. Eventually, you just lose that passion you once had.

However, usually it’s not so much lack of passion, as it is just burn out. I have to cover 20 minutes of a movie every day, and with my new interest of other things, that starts to add up. Some may blame these other things for my laziness, as I put so much effort into other stuff that I just get lazy on doing other things. After all, doing all this other stuff proves I’m just 100 percent lazy.

However, that’s not really It. I’m laying low on a lot of that DA stuff, and I mostly am working on some lists and other things now. But the point stands, I care more about that than my reviews.

What I’m trying to say is that I am feeling a lack of passion. But it’s not so simple. I do feel passion sometimes, even now. When in the heart of reviewing something, I have a lot of fun and get that passion back. But the next day, I may me all lazy and tired again. So it’s not even consistent.

At first, all this was due to me moving and having to deal with that. But I’ve been situated for awhile, so it’s no longer that. And hell, it likely is my laziness. I have my computer and TV in my room now, which I now share with my brother. Before, it was a tad different and my old comptuer was slower, so I mostly did Non-Review stuff on different computers and yada yada.

In short, i’m in more position to be lazy now. However, that isn’t really the complete answer. It is lack of passion as well. I just care more about other things, as I’m having fun doing things I don’t do often.

I’ve been doing this reviewing thng the same way for awhile, and it feels like I’m saying the same things, Of course, this isn’t always the case as VHS and Good Ghouls go Bad were pretty different, and as a result, they were fun. I had passion there.

But then you have something like the movie I’m reviewing now, Paranormal Activity The Marked Ones. It’s not quite as interesting as other films I review, (and quite frankly, it’s just tiring me with how typical it is.) and I’m just not working as hard on it. Each section is taking far too long. That happens sometimes, and it does tend to happen with movies like this. It’s not quite as common with things like Vampire Academy.

But look, no matter what bullshit excuse I use, the fact is that I’m a bit lazier. And above all else, lack of passion is a big factor. I have considers flat out quitting the reviews, but then I remembered I have movies I genuinely want to review, and I may miss out on some of that action.

So I decided that I will do what Doug Walker did. As you recall, he quit NC as he felt he was out of ideas, but eventually he figured it out it was just burn out. So he brought NC back and now reviews come every two weeks.

So thus, I will do something similar. Instead of every 4 days, I will do one review a week. So instead of having to do work every single day, I can take one or two days off in the middle. Trust me a bit of a break can do you wonders.

Now, you may think that won’t fix things, as 7 days to do my usual stuff isn’t much better. But it really is. I’ll still the 20 minute at a time stuff, but I can take off say now that I only need one a week. This will start in November, so you will get my last 2 Halloween reviews on time. Well, sort of. Marked Ones is Tuesday, and my final Halloween review is one…well Halloween, this Friday.

After that, my new Schedule comes into effect. Let’s say I did a review every…Wednesday, or so. Then I could simply do my 20 minutes thing for 2 days, take a break for 2 days, and then finish things up, with a day or so to spare. It will always be posted on the day I tell you it will be posted, and since I don’t plan on finishing on the post date, this will give me time to relax.

And hey, with extra time after finishing a review, I can use the time to spell check! …Yeah, no. But I will still use that extra time. In the long run, it will be better. Don’t expect “Better” reviews, just more on time ones.

If you read my recent reviews, they feel the same. At least, I hope they do. So I get the passion when I need to, it’s that…actually getting up and doing them that’s the problem. Having to only do one every week (making for 4 reviews a month, give or take) will fix that problem, since I can pace myself better.

Which day on each week will the review come out? I have no idea. I’m thinkign about it, and I want you guys to suggest a day. Not Monday, as there’s no way I will get one out for the first Monday in November. All other days are fare game, but keep in mind if you picked Saturday or Sunday, the first Nov. review will come out on the first true Sat or Sun on the month. Not the one right after Halloween this week. Cuz guys, I can’t do a review in just one or two days. It’s not possible.

Nowadays, i’m feeling more passions for other things than the usual reviews, but I don’t want to deprive you of those, so hopefully this system will give us a nice balance. Now I have an excuse to work on other stuff all the time!

So yeah, that’s all I got. Suggest a day and ask any other questions if you wish. I still have that official Q&A going on, you know.

TLDR VERSION: I’m doing one movie review a week now because lazy. Tuesday and Friday reviews be normal and it comes into effect in Novemeber.

That’s all I got, so just keep all this in mind. Bye.

See ya. …I said bye twice, in two different ways. Weird.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

V/H/S 2

Who knew a movie called VHS 2  would do well in 2013?

Who knew a movie called VHS 2 would do well in 2013?

V/H/S 2 is property of Magnet Releasing

Hello, Spongey here.

Last time, I reviewed the Found Footage Anthology Film “V/HS”. It was a bit uneven, with boring parts and awesome parts. But overall, it was an interesting experiment that I more or less enjoyed it.

It made money so they made a Sequel. I only thing I knew about this one going on is that people liked this one a lot more. Even those who enjoyed the first one thought thus one outclassed it in every way. So, I have high hopes going in here.

There isn’t too much to say before we jump in. Like last time, not many notable writer/actors/directors here. It’s just a simple Found Footage Anthology sequel, and we’ll jump right into it.

Yeah, it’s one of those intros. Let’s see if they creators have learned their lesson from the first film.

This, is V/H/S 2

The movie opens with an Investigator, failing to do his job. He is filming a couple at a motel (which gives us baked breasts. Doesn’t beat 41 Year Old Virgin’s Record, but it’s close) but he is caught and he escapes.

Then we cut to him and his female partners investigating the disappearance of some college kid. …Was that first bit pointless?

They break into the student’s house and find a laptop which has a video of the student talking some tapes he found. Larry, the dude investigator, finds those tapes and pops one in. Well, this is already an improvement in terms of framing narratives. Not great but it should be okay.

Our first segment, called “Phase I Clinical Trials” starts with a dude getting Eye Surgery. He had an accident and had to fix an inured eye. He had special surgey so they put a recording chop in the eye itself to test data, or whatever.

Well, that’s one way to get your found footage. And it fixes the “PUT DOWN THE CAMERA” thing. But how the hell is all this on a VHS tape?

He heads home to try out our cool POV gimmick and of course, creepy things happen. He mostly sees scary screamer faces. He calls his doctor and plans to get his eye fixed tomorrow. Well, he’s dead.

He hears weird noises, which into loud noises. The POV makes this bit pretty intense, despite some jump scares. The noises calm down by morning. A girl from the Doctor’s office shows up, knowing about the creepy stuff he is dealing with.

She reveals she had the same type of surgery but it with her ear, and she started hearing Ghosts. She even heard a little girl crying when she came in. Oh hey, I’m in summarize the movie mode again. Woo-Hoo.

The ghosts become stronger when someone pays attention to them. Even when this special implant is taken out, you will still see the ghosts. How she knows the rules, I don’t know. So she’s likely a bad guy.

Then a really creepy fat dude appears in the big window. Now that’s disturbing. She says she knows a way to stop this…and she starts fucking our hero. ….Okay then.

We cut to later, as he wakes up and faces more screamer faces. Clarissa, the chick is attacked by the ghosts and she dies. Well, she’s dead.. No seriously, she just died.

We get a bunch of suspense as runs around the fucked up house. Finally, he decides to take out his new Eye implant since that will totally get rid of the ghosts that are already here and able to kill people.

Naturally, all this does is give him more pain. Some creepy ghosts attack him and one stuffs the eye camera down his throat. End Segment, Fairly basic, but very well done, I must say,. Creative concept with a solid execution. This is already better than the first one!

Back in the framing story, the Student says you must watch the tapes in a certain order for them to affect you. She puts in the next tape and we move on. Huh, they learned not to give us too much time with crap we don’t care about. Yay!

Segment 2 is called “A Ride In The Park” and it opens with a dude putting on his fancy Go Pro Bike Helmet camera thing. More POV? That’s cool, I suppose. And this quote, from him talking to his wife on the phone, is all you need to know about him:

“You ride that Bike more than you ride me”

He heads off and he sees a hysterical Woman who seems to be in trouble. She vomits all over the place, which is gross. Suddenly, he hears voices behind him.

“I GOT A BIG FUCKING STICK

Oh man, we got a badass over here. HE HAS A BIG FUCKING STICK!

The crazy woman bites him and she’s a Zombie. Dun dun dun! He starts vomiting blood and gets all bloody from the woman’s attack. He falls down and we are treated to silence for a minute. Woo-hoo.

Some bikers come across him and think he’s dead, as he has no pulse and he isn’t moving. One biker calls the authorities about the dead body they found, which is the smartest thing I’ve seen in a horror movie in a long long time.

Suddenly, our camera sporting hero gets up and attacks one of the bikers. Whoa, he’s a crazy zombie…that’s awesome! Cool to see the guy we are following actually become a Zombie in one of those stories. Anyway, he pretty much starts eating away at the dude biker, which is disgusting and awesome. He gets up and now the bikers are zombies,but with weird obviously fake eyes that just make them look silly.

Either way, it’s nice that the zombies got a found footage movie to star in. As the people we follow. They invade a birthday party which means more gore and awesome stuff. But eventually, our main guy sees his reflection and he stops. Naturally, this gives the normal people a chance to attack him.

He pocket dials his girlfriend and she asks if he’s okay. She then simply says “I love you” and hangs up without getting any answers. He then grabs a shotgun and kills himself. Given he’s a Zombie, I’m not sure if it worked.

He’s not moving…so it did. End Segment. Well, that was even better! Not the most original Zombie story, but it was a lot of fun, with great gore effects and one of the best uses of POV I’ve seen in awhile. I dug this one.

After a brief bit in the framing story, we go to Segment 3, called “Safe Haven”. This one’s from the director of The Raid, so it’s gonna be interesting. A news crew is in infiltrating an Indonesian cult, which is something I never thought I would say.

They are talking to one member, who going on about the usual stuff, like a higher plane and Non Believers, and whatever. However, one lady says they plan to do a completely Non-Biased report from the inside, showing the ideals of this guy’s family and all that good stuff.

After some coaxing, he agrees to let them in for the report. Well, they’re dead. They meet his family and they seem rather nice. They head inside their main building, and we see the usual innocent cult stuff.

One of the crew members starts feeling sick and she goes to the bathroom. While she’s gone, the interview with the Head Dude starts but we cut to her so that doesn’t matter for now. On the way, she ends up walking into one of the Classrooms that are there. Suddenly, two woman walk in and start acting creepy.

‘You are very blessed”

While that is going on, the Head Dude says they are washing away the children’s impurities. The guy interviewing him isn’t happy to hear this.

“They will stand by me on the front lines, in front of the pearly gates”

Well, this cult clearly has no weird intentions at all.

The crew woman takes one guy aside to tell him she is preggo, and he’s the father. What a twist? …What’s happening with the head dude?

“It’s time”

Insert Kickassia joke here.

He says some stuff, and he has all of his children of the cult take a cup and drink the liquid within it. While that is going on, one guy (may be the guy from a minute ago, idk) finds this weird room, with a blood soaked tarp that has a woman under it. Through a JUMP SCARE we see that her stomach has been ripped open and something has come out. Now we’re getting somewhere!

The head dude takes his shirt off and threatens the interviewer with a knife. The dude is killed and it’s pretty awesome. I love how he is just casually hums as he walks away, soaked in his blood. It’s hilarious.

Back with that Preggo chick, she bumps into some creepy Asian kids, cuz we need creepy kids to make sure the viewer knows this is creepy. Jokes aside, this is pretty intense

Just then, the cultists start a mass suicide, and one random camera man is attacked. But he grabs a shotgun and fucking blows a dude’s head off! Holy shit, that’s awesome!

…I’m easily impressed.

He’s killed, and we join the chick as she dragged by creepy kids, lead by the blood soaked head dude, who is singing. This segment got awesome really quickly.

The guy who is her baby’s father (See, this is why it’s good to give us names if your story is this long) finds her in a weird room as she is being held down by the kids. He stops the kids but he can’t get the chick out as she is giving birth. She’s covered in blood and her stomach has a weird symbol on it, so you can guess what kind of thing is gonna pop out of her.

And of course, a monster pops of her. A really huge one too, not the small demon spawns you might expect. This is some pretty gruesome stuff, and I love it.

The dude runs away and finds out that the cultists are now zombies. Yeah, more Zombies but at least this time it’s…creative. This whole scene with him running away from the Zombies is pretty intense, actually. The direction alone makes it at least sort of unique, at least more so than than our last Zombie Story.

The dude escapes and runs to his car and it actually starts. A car starting on a horror movie? What is this witchcraft? Of course, that’s not the end as the insanely fast monster catches up to him. And we see the monster’s head.

vhs

Yeah, it looks less silly in full context, but..yeah.

“Papa”

…Well, that’s interesting. The dude laughs his ass off, and our segment ends. …Well, that was kind of awesome. I mean, it was pretty boring/slow at first, but the ending was amazing. It was really creepy, very intense, and full of just awesome things. It was pretty insane, actually.

However, it was way too long. It starts at the 42 minute mark, and it ends at 1 hour, 12 minute mark. The other segments were fairly short, so that makes this weird.. We only have 4 Segment this time, so I get why why needed to be longer, but why make 2 of them shorter, just to make one longer? It’ll only make it feel like more of a slog. But eh, it had a good ending at least.

Back in the Framing story, Larry returns to see that his partner is dead. He sees a tape labeled “WATCH” and he obeys that order. This takes us to our final segment, called “Slumber Party Alien Abduction”. …NEW BEST TITLE EVER.

As the segment starts, we see this is will be from the POV of a camera on a dog’s back.. …That’s really stupid. We see the dog’s owners messing about, as their parents are leaving for the weekend.

Well, they’re gonna throw a wild party. And die at it. But first, They have their younger brothers help them mess with their sister, cuz of course they do it.

“She’s probably gonna shit her vag!”

Did someone just write that and commit that to film?

After a bunch of noise, we have more noise as they scare the sister and her boyfriend with loud music or some shit. The loud-ness doesn’t stop as suddenly the whole room shakes and everyone goes outside to see what is going on.

It turns out to be nothing, so we switch focus to the sister and boyfriend getting back at the boys. Yawn. She uses the camera dog to catch him fapping and she threatens to put it all over the internet.

Everyone is a horrible, annoying person. Who am I suppose to root for? The brother is only slightly more awful. Thankfully, the place shakes again and things get creepy. It’s actually a tad intense for a moment…but in this case I’m too annoyed to care.

Then suddenly, aliens! Yes, some classic looking Gray aliens pops up and take some of the kids. It’s weird, but awesome. We see all this from the dog’s POV, which makes it pretty interesting. This whole part with them running around isn’t too bad, it gets atmospheric and creepy. At least this keeps the trend of having a solid payoff.

The aliens distract them with flashing lights (So if this was a video review, it would need a Seizure warning) and the kids hide in a barn, with the dog. This part mostly focuses on the sister, so at least we have the ….most likable character going through this.

So of course, she’s the first one to be abducted. Bah. Thankfully, the brother is taken soon after. Once again, this is all very intense but with lesser characters, it doesn’t have quite as much impact. The boy drops the dog and it dies. End segment.

Well ,that was easily the weakest Segment. It was just really annoying with unlikable character, but it did have a very creepy payoff. But hey, at least I remember it.

Now let’s end on the framing story. Yeah, our first movie like this to end by ending the framing story. You think this would be common sense, but nope.

The Student explains that him wants to make a tape for himself. He then tries to blow his head off, and fails. It’s…kind of funny. Then the video shows Larry and the chick entering the room. Dun dun dun!

Yep, that happened just before they went in. Keep in mind, the shot was fired like a minute before they entered the room itself. So how the hell did no one hear that?!

Suddenly, the dead partner attacks Larry. More Zombies! This leads to some intense stuff, and it even makes a short jump scare work! Even if it kind of turns into a video game, when Larry shoots the girl as her head pops up.

He hides in the closest which works until the student pops up and kills him. He gives us a thumbs up, and the credits roll. Wow, even the Framing Story was decent! It didn’t go on too long and it ended on a fun note!

Nice. Not much else to comment on, so let’s finish this up.

Final Thoughts:

Now this is exactly what I was hoping for. This beats out the first film on every level possible. I still enjoy that one but this one was awesome. But that’s mostly on an enjoyment, as the film doesn’t break any new grounds in terms of writing.

But each segment was directed, intense, and just awesome. They were a lot of fun with their payoffs, even if they were slightly uneven in places. I can’t really decide a full favorite this time. The first one was the creepiest, the 2nd was the most even in terms of enjoyment, the 3rd was the most insane, and the 4th …okay that isn’t in the completion, but it had a good ending And hell, I’ve seen worse in movies like this.

When even an ennoying segment has something to praise, you know you have a good movie. Yes, the stories weren’t exactly complex or new, but they were all fun to watch and really intense. The direction in each was strong, setting up a good atmpshere and letting loose at the end.

Even the Framing Story works, as they don’t waste too much time with it, in between segments. It’s nothing special but it works in the end.

So overall, I highly recommend this one. While it’s nothing amazing in terms of writing, it’s highly enjoyable and well made. It has a few bumps, but it’s still very good. Again, my grade may seem low but it fits it’s objective quality.

Grade: B+

They made a 3rd one, which is now out on VOD, with a theatrical release next month. I’ll check it out, as long as it’s as good as this one.

Next time, we finally take on The Marked Ones. Yay.

See ya.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

V/H/S

Now Available on DVD and Blu-Ray!

Now Available on DVD and Blu-Ray!

Hello, Spongey here.

I think it’s time to tackle an actual horror film this month. And I picked one I’ve been quite interested in for awhile. It’s a weird choice to review, but eh, it could be fun.

I’m not sure how to introduce this one. It’s an Anthology film from 2012 that I’ve heard decent things about. Being an Anthology film, the reception was mixed, but it did well enough to get a sequel.

I’ve heard that one is better, but we’re talking about this one. Considering the last anthology film with a wraparound, directed and written by many people,i reviewed, I’m at least hopeful it will be better, being a horror film and all.

It won’t be nearly as scary, but we’ll see. You would think I have more to say here, but I don’t. There’s a Wikipedia page, for useless info, you know.

So yeah, let’s just jump in and see how good this film is. If it’s good at all.

This, is V/H/S

The movie opens with our framing narrative, which is found footage, of course. Our Camera holder is part of a group of criminals and he’s still more likable than Micah. By the way, this guy is a crappy camera man as I can’t see a damn thing half the time.

They do things like assaulting women and destroying abandoned houses. We get a few minutes of them doing stuff, until we find out they got a job given to them by an anonymous third party who is willing to pay them a large sum of money to burglarize a house and steal a single VHS videotape.

Well, these guys are dead.

When they get there, they find the dead body of an old guy. One dude stays with it while the others find the tape. He sees a tape in a VCR right there, so, for no reason he watches it. This takes into our first short. Eh, I’ve seen worse wrap arounds.

This first film is called “Amateur Night”. We open with 3 dudes in a Motel Room, as one guy’s glasses have a small hidden camera, which they will use to turn his sexual exploits into amateur porn. Sure, why not.

After a drunken montage, they stop at a bar where Clint makes a mysterious woman who says very little outside of “I like you”. Well, he’s dead.

They take her, along with another chick, back to the motel for some sexytimes. Is it a good time to mention that these 3 guys are obnoxious as all hell? Cuz they are. But I’ll talk about that when this segment is over.

The “Normal” chick passes out so of course one guy tries to do her anyway. Thankfully, no rape happens, and instead we are trapped to one guy about to have sex with the weird chick. He gets her naked and then they do it. It starts to get a bit out of hand as it almost becomes a threesome.

So…when does something interesting happen? I’ll give it a few more minutes.

“She just fucking bit me!”

Thank you.

Yep, Patrick apparently got bit by Lilly, the weird chick. I only know her name because of Wikipedia, the film has not said it at all yet. Lilly takes out her best screamer face and kills Shane. Now we’re getting somewhere!

Clint tries to fight Lisa but he get his asses handed to him. She drinks Patrick’s blood and Clint tries to escape. He falls down some stairs and breaks his wrist. Well, he’s dead.

Lilly catches up to him, but instead of attacking him…she tries to blow him. …Now I’ve seen everything. He’s, understandably, not aroused and she cries. He uses this chance to escape but Lilly catches him.

By that I mean she becomes a bat creature and picks him up into the air. Wow, when did this segment get AWESOME!?

His glasses fall off and the video cuts out. End segment. Of course it ends when it gets good. I won’t grade them, but I will “review” them. It was pretty annoying, but it had an awesome ending, so I’ll let it slide.

After some pointless stuff in the framing thing, another tape is played and we get our 2nd Segment, called “Second Honeymoon”. A couple is heading out for their, you guessed it, 4th Honeymoon. On the way to some place, they stop an old Wild West Town.

They come across a fortune telling machine thingy. It tells them that the wife will soon be reunited with an old love. Well, she’s dead.

They go to a motel room, and I think motel room’s are gonna be a theme in this movie. Later, the dude tells us, I mean her, that a girl showed up and asked for a ride, for the next day. Again, you people are dead.

That night someone breaks in, with a camera, and caresses the wife’s butt with a switch blade…. All I’m thinking is that it’s super convenient that this person has a camera too. The person does other things, like steal the dude’s money.

The next day, he notices that his money is missing, and he blames his wife. But they let it go so they can do a bunch of…things, to tide us over until something interesting happens.

Thankfully, that happens, as that night, someone comes in and stabs the dude. It gets pretty bloody, and it’s awesome. As it turns out, this person is indeed a woman and we see her kissing the wife.

…Well okay then. They run off, and the chick asks if the wife erased the tape. End segment. I suppose it was better than the first segment, but it was also kind of dull and it, once again, didn’t get awesome until the end. But hey, maybe the next one will be better.

The next tape is put in, and we have Segment 3, titled “Tuesday the 17th” …Okay. Three friends, along with their new friend, are going on a camping trip. Well, they’re dead. They banter a bit, and I personally can tolerate than more then the guys in the first segment. Which is weird.

They walk through the woods, saying some dumb dialogue that feels like leftovers from the last segment in which we had dumb banter. Then they start to annoy me as they go on with their banter without really forwarding the plot. Unless the plot relies on this nerdy dude smoking pot for the first time. Which I doubt,

Then one guy goes swimming in the lake, and nothing of substance happens. Yawn. Then this other dude and a blond chick are killed by a mysterious figure. Oh yeah, now we’re getting somewhere!

Then Wendy, that new friend, picks up the up the camera (the camera holder was killed) and asks the lake guy to fuck. …Well, this is getting interesting. See, in a bit I skipped, Wendy said this is a place where some evil dude killed some people, and those people were here friends. She came back to move on.

Wow, this story is actually getting really interesting despite a rough start. And given the track record, the ending won’t ruin it it! …I just jinxed it.

“They never caught him. They never believed me”

She begs him to help her and the evil dude shows up and kill him. Wah wah.

She runs away and we see that the camera can’t film him, as he just shows up as weird feedback, while everything else is fine. Now that’s actually kind of creepy. Eventually, the figure is impaled by…a thing. It’s a weird trap…thingy. Don’t know how to describe it. Either way, he’s dead.

But when she turns our, the figure vanishes. Then it pops up and beats her with the camera. Okay, that’s fucking awesome. It kills her and she suddenly jerks around and the camera goes out. End Segment.

Okay that was really good. It had a shaky middle, but it some interesting parts and an awesome ending. I enjoyed that one a lot. I hope the rest of the film stays on that level!

The next tape is put in (Yes, nothing happens in the wrap around crap each time) and we get Segment 4, titled “The Sick thing that happened to Emily when She was younger”. …BEST TITLE EVER.

It starts with the titular Emily having a Video chat with her boyfriend James. She has a weird bump on her arm but that doesn’t matter as they just move on to sex talk. This involves some boob shots, and yes, We’ve had a couple so far. I just forgot to mention them until this one. Trust me, they aren’t anything special.

She takes him on a video tour of her Apartment cuz why not. She says weird things have been happening. Well, she’s dead. These things include the usual stuff, like footsteps. Suddenly, she claims to hear a weird sound right then and there.

“My apartment’s haunted”

She’s likely right, or we wouldn’t be here. …How did most of these tapes end up in that house anyway? And it just hit me that this film is a found footage movie…about people finding found footage movies.

Whoa.

A weird figures pops up in her room and leaves. They discuss this weird occurrence the next day.

“Maybe it was like a breeze or something”

No.

That night, she hears another weird noise and more creepy shit happens. It’s fairly creepy so something of substance kind of happens, I guess. The next day, Emily tells James that she talked to her Landlord and he said no one ever died in her home.

“Well, that’s not something you’d want to advertise, right?”

Best character.

Also, Emily has a bump on her arm and she’s digging into it to find out what it is. It’s actually kind of disgusting, in a good way. James tells her not to pick at it and she stops. That night, Emily tries to solve this mystery once and for all.

She uses her webcam to go all PA on us as she explores the house. This is all during a video chat by the way. That’s the gimmick for this one. Of course, she bumps into a creepy figure and is knocked out. I’ll say it now: This movie has some damn good shock moments, as that bit worked pretty well.

James pop up in her apartment and okay what. He was literally just there at his computer and he pops up in her place like 5 seconds? The hell? I can accept any crazy crap about to happen but that? No way.

Anyway, he opens her stomach and takes out an Alien Fetus. ….Yeah, it’s more plausible than his super speed. As it turns out, James has been working for these aliens, as they are using Emily as an incubator for Alien/Human hybrids.

“She thinks I’m in Michigan”

Oh, so there was a bigger reason for me to bitch that I missed! Either way, we don’t know where he actually he is, and even if he’s next door, he still can’t pop up in that exact place in 5 seconds.

“That tracking device in her arm..”

Oh, thanks for point blank explaining it. Before we find out anything else, we cut to the next day as Emily’s memory has been erased, and she thinks she was in a traffic accident.

“I’m just crazy”

Crap, you just got me invested in a character in this movie. How dare you?!

“You deserve to be with someone normal”

…Dang it. Knowing James is…doing that makes this…even more interesting. James says he loves her…then he switches chats to speak to another woman…who has a bump on her arm.

“Don’t do that. I’ll look at it when I get there”

End Segment. …Well, I liked that one. The concept was kind of dumb, but it was creepy and it actually had a story with a real character. Thumbs up!

Back in the Framing story, I realize I forgot to tell you that a new guy inserts each new Tape and after the tape ends, he vanishes. So little of interest happens in these parts that I kind of forgot.

One guy goes upstairs to the find the remains of another guy and he is attacked by the zombie of that dead old guy. Once again, it’s some intense stuff, even if I couldn’t care less about this random guy.

He falls down some stairs and he is killed. We cut to the VCR room as our final segment plays by itself. …That’s it? That’s our framing story? Some douchebags go into a house, watch some movies, vanish, and die? Lame!

Whatever, it’s not bad but easily the weakest story, only saved by the fact that it’s just a wrap around. Now for our final segment, called “10/31/98” which takes place…on that date, I assume.

Some dude and his friends are heading out to a Halloween party. Well…you know what his state will be like by the end of this film, by now. They arrive to find that the house is empty. We get a lot of the same crap as before, but the banter is much more tolerable in this one, at least.

They hear weird noises and one guy guys to check it out. After more banter, they got to the Attic where they find a bunch of people, chanting while standing around a woman who is suspended from the rafters.

Our…heroes, join in to look cool but just end up looking awkward as they are caught. That was pretty funny, even if it wasn’t meant to be. They get pissed, and shit goes down. Again, it’s suspenseful and kind of awesome.

However, one guy actually goes back to save the girl. Holy shit, an admirable character in this movie! Get it away!

They save her and even more shit goes down as the house comes alive with ghosts and stuff trying to get them. It’s really awesome, being, fun, intense, suspenseful, and creepy. This movie has some awesome payoffs, I’ll give it that.

And when I say the house comes alive, I mean it. Tons of shit starts floating/attacking them and it’s really awesome. They pile into the car and the chick vanishes and re-appears in front of the car, making a screamer face.

Suddenly, they realize they stopped the car on some train track as a train is coming towards them. Now this part is really suspenseful and for once, I kind of care about what happens to these characters! …Well, to an extent, anyway,

And what happens? The train hits…and the tape flickers out. Roll credits. …You know what? I’m cool with an abrupt ending, as it works for this type of movie. Besides, it hits hard enough to leave me justified. Basic ending, but it works very well.

Also, the credits refer to the weird people from the final segment as “Cult Dudes”. Heh.

Final Thoughts:

I was a bit mixed at first, but overall I really enjoyed this one. However, my praise is more Subjective than Objective in the end. However, it has enough value in the end for me to appreciate.

Even the parts I bashed got better as I thought about it. Taking breaks during these reviews really do help me sort out my thoughts before it’s over. Anthology films are pretty tricky to do, since not all the segments will be to our liking, and it may be hard to enjoy the whole thing if you hate one segment.

Thankfully, this is the only type of the film where they allow you to skip the parts you don’t like, without missing anything. So it doesn’t matter in the end. Most of these segments have one thing in common: They are sort of dull, with weak banter, and then they have an amazing pay off.

Some are a tad better story wise, as such the Emily one, but most of them fall under that formula. For some, it works like the final Segment, but in others, it doesn’t. The biggest examples are the first 2 segments. I found the banter annoying and the 2nd one gets weaker the more I think about it. Actually, I can’t even remember anything outside of the fact that ending has 2 chicks kissing or something. I freaking typed a review of it like a day ago and I don’t remember it. Ouch.

I think these segments should have tried harder to make you interested BEFORE the crap goes down. The only one to do that is the Emily one, since the set up had me interested. Even my favorite Segment, the last one, had a slow start.

But honestly, each Segment, except maybe the 2nd one, and the framing one, had something awesome for me. This movie really goes all it when it needs to. It can be entertaning, suspenseful, and creepy, all at the same time. When it hits hard, it hits hard and it’s AWESOME.

The problem is that they needed better writers to make things more interesting. Each segment can be summed up as “Bunch of people who banter a lot bump into it weird shit”. Only the Emily one doesn’t really fall into this, and that’s hwy I liked it, despite the dumb premise.

I suppose I shall rank the segments in order of how much I personally enjoyed them.

6. Tape 56. This is the framing story, and it’s just not interesting at all. Even when things go down, nothing happens it’s really boring. And even kind of annoying. Not horrible, just nothing special.

5. Second Honeymoon. Anther boring one, but I enjoyed the ending, I guess. It just didn’t have anything interesting, to make it memorable. That’s why I like it less than I suggested back up there.

4. Amuter Night. I love the ending, but I can’t bring myself to care about/remember the rest. Still enjoyable despite a rough start.

3. Tuesday the 17th. A bit dull in places, but I enjoyed some of the banter and the ending was balls out awesome, with some creative things and even interesting bits in the story.

2. The Sick Thing that Happened to Emily when She was Younger. Yeah, the pay offi ns’t quite as awesome, but the writing was a lot stronger here, with some nice bits with Emily herself. Interchangeable with Tuesday but I appreciated it more.

1. 10/31/98. Yeah, the least interesting start but the ending went balls out and I loved every minute of it. Easily the most enjoyable segment.

So overall, I’ll give it a lower score than I want to, but it has too many flaws for me to like more. It’s very enjoyable, intense, and creepy but it’s also dull, forgettable, and just…weak. But the good parts make it worth it.

The found Footage aspect worked very well, making things creepy, but it didn’t really need to be like this. One of the better Found Footage films I’ve seen, but it could have been a real movie in some places.

So if you like Found Footage films more often than not, and you like what I’m saying, than you’ll enjoy it. Just pay attention to my criticisms. It’s very enjoyable, but very flawed.

Grade: B

Now I’m curious about how the sequel is. …You know what? Let’s find out next time. I don’t usually do this, but screw it. I wanna see it, so next time, we tackle V/H/S 2: The Rise of DVD!

…Wait.

See ya.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Scooby-Doo! Frankencreepy

Sorry, but nothing will ever top FrankenTurkey.

Sorry, but nothing will ever top FrankenTurkey.

Hello, Spongey here.

If you ask me, it’s not Halloween without Scooby Doo. Whether you’re talking about the shows, the movies, or anything else, there’s no doubt those meddling kids and their stupid dog have left an impact on pop culture.

Previously, I reviewed the Theatrical Live Action movies, and the Direct to Video Prequel. I enjoyed them, but it’s mostly because I have a soft spot for Scooby Doo. Sure, it can be really dumb that’s part of the fun for me.

And it has a shit ton of incarnations, some good, some bad. My favorite is the most recent series, but that’s a subject for another time. In the late 90′s, they started a string to Direct to Video animated films.

And they are still going strong to this day. They tend to be hit or miss, but we all have a few like. It was hard to pick one to review, but I think I got one. I picked the most recent one.

Why? …I couldn’t find most of the ones I wanted to review. So yeah, we’re doing the new one. Besides, no one has reviewed yet, I bet. Plus, it’s more directly Halloween related. I’ll review it someday.

Now, Animated Scooby films go through eras. The first is the earlier, more dramatic era. This is where you got films like Zombie Island, which were darker and had real monsters. Than oyu had the “What’s new” era which were closers to the Scooby we knew, but we had some good ones there.

And the Era we are sort of in is the Mysteries Incorporated era. It’s not like that show in writing, but it is animation, and it shares the current voice actors, including Matthew Liliard, from the live action movies.

I haven’t seen a Scooby Movie since Samurai Sword I think, so I’m a bit behind. So we’ll see how much the newer one stacks up. This one was written by Jim Kreig, whose other credits including Frenemies and Spooksville.

He confirmed on Twitter that he didn’t have much control on the former, which explains a lot. And based on how Spooksville misses drama, scares, and Comedy, it makes sense that he would write this.

So we’ll how it goes. Not much else to say, so let’s go in.

This, is Scooby-Doo! Frankencreepy

The movie opens….with a Google ripoff, as someone is looking up “Daphne modeling pics” …Uh, should I be watching this?

Actually, it just leads to Daphne (Grey Delisle)’s website as she’s just talking about stuff. Then she mentions how her fans always ask her about her whole mystery solving carrer, which leads to clips from the original series. Huh, that’s cool. This is a live show and Fred (Frank Welker) calls in to give us more clips. Then Shaggy comes in and the clips go on.

What is this, a clip show?

It must be as Velma calls in to give us even more clips. They are just telling stories about their exploits, which seem like actual classic episodes, though I’m not sure. The clips tell me yes.

Velma’s family lawyer (voiced by Kevin Micheal Richardson) calls in to start the plot. He searched Velma Dinkley and the site came up. First off, aren’t there easier ways to get in touch? 2Nd, why does searching her name lead to this website as the very first result? Why click on it if it seems unrelated? So many questions in one small line!

“I’m texting you my address!”

…If you could text her, why didn’t you do it in the first place?!

So of course, the Mystery Gang heads off to meet him. He tells her she’s inherited her great uncle’s property and castle in Transylvania. Yep, this is a Scooby Doo movie. Also, that plot is basic I’m shocked they wait like 20 something movies to do it…and like 6 shows.

Also, it’s Transylvania…Pennsylvania. Heh. We are told this village is kind of like Amish Country, which doens’t please Daphne. By the way, the lawyer’s name is Cuthbert Crawley

He’s the villain. That or a suspect.

There’s a curse hanging over the estate, because of course there is. Velma doesn’t want the castle, mostly cuz she just doesn’t want it. They head back to the Mystery Machine…and it explodes.

…That’s one way to the movie going.

After the title sequence, they see a creepy due on the top of a building.

“That guy is the worst parking lot attendant in history”

Haw.

Crawley tells us that this guy is the ghost of a Baron, and the source of that curse.

“I should have been more forthcoming about the details”

“Gee, ya think?”

Heh.

The van explodes, leaving a message telling them to stay away from Transylvania. This is starting out really…cliche, to be honest. So of course, Fred wants to go there anyway because we need a plot.

Actually, Fred wants to go there to piss off the baddie, as he kills Fred’s van.

“Now it’s personal”

Damn, Fred is a badass!

They head to Transylvania on a train, where we get the usual jokes from Shaggy. That is until Velma reveals something. She has a family secret. Her real last name Von Dinkenstein, from which she and her parents shortened to Dinkley when they moved in from the old country. Her ancestor is Baron Von Dinkenstein, who was said to have created a monster. This verty story inspired Mary Shell to writer Frankenstein.

And all of this is why she is obsessed with solving mysteries and supernatural stuff. Huh, that’s actually pretty interesting. Didn’t see that coming. Now we are getting somewhere!

So yeah, that creepy dude is Baron’s ghost and naturally, he pops up to take over the train. He messes up the train and vanishes. They are able to stop the train and they arrive in Transylvania.

They are greeted by some townspeople, and they get pissed upon seeing Velma cuz of the whole Baron thing. Okay, I’ll just say this now: The pacing is kind of shit so far. It’s moving way too fast, never letting anything sink in. We just went from an out of control train to this with petty much no transition.

We’re about 18 minutes in, but it sure doesn’t well like it. Hopefully it’ll get better soon. Anyway, they blame Velma for the monster because Baron’s ghost popping up killed tourism …Still not seeing how Velema is too blame for that.

Also, the town makes torches. Heh, that’s funny. Not sure if it was meant to be, but it is. Then a Discount Igor shows up to take them to the castle. On the way there, Discount Igor tells them the story of Baron’s Monster.

“A minute ago you were speaking in grunts. When you did become so loquacious?”

Velma would be great at Cinema Sins.

They get to the castle to see that’s it’s huge and creepy. They meet the housekeeper, Mrs Vander who locks the door and says if they need to leave, they must find her as she has the only key.

That’s not ominous at all.

We get a tour of the castles, with all the jokes you expect. They head into Baron’s old lab where we got more wacky hijinks. Then they find a case with a weird creature that Baron must have been working on. It’s a regular Frankenstein.

“Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster”

Of course they had to point that out.

The “monster” is encased in Ice, so Vander keeps the temperature low. You know, showing them an actual monster isn’t gonna make us less suspicious of you.

Velma is sure the monster is fake, naturally. In fact, her entire goal now is to prove that monsters don’t exist. So, do these Scooby doo movies have a “Canon” or does the Continuity reset in every movie? I ask cuz…Zombie Island, and all that.

The gang finds out that there’s a festival going on in town right now, so that’s our next stop in the plot. While there, Shaggy and Scooby enter an Eating contest because of course they do. Daphne stops to buy a dress at this one place, but she is confirmed that she is a Size 8, and she looks in the mirror and yep, she’s bigger now.

Now, this scene I actually heard aboiut it because people bitched about it. See, the curse I mentioned earlier, causes what people love most to be destroyed. In Daphne’s case, it’s her slim-ness/Beauty.

Now, in the context of this scene here are the facts: Daphne is the stereotypical woman who believes that being Size 8/Fat is a horrible thing. The film is not really saying anything here. It’s her own personal worst nightmare and that’s it. So you Socail Justice Warriors can calm down.

Anyway, while that’s going on, Fred is mourning the van some more, and Shaggy and Scooby win the contest. They get Sausage puppets as a Reward (just roll with it) and they are asked to it. But..

“Scoob and I are totally full”

…THE END IS NEIGH!

This statement is followed by a shot of fling pigs and a shot of Hell freezing over. Okay, that’s hilarious. ..Also, Hell is in a kids movie. Okay.

The Mayor is insulted because reasons, and we get our angry mob scene. In my experience, being full won’t stop you from at least attempting to eat food, you know. They bump into Fat Daphne and we get Dramatic rain.

“This town makes great torches. They stay lit in the rain!”

Shaggy would also be great at Cinema Sins. Discount Igor show up to save them and they get back to the castle. But they find out that Velma has gone insane. By that I mean that she’s gone all monster crazy, trying to bring a monster to life instead of debunking them. That weird chick on the cover? That’s Velma.

“This isn’t weird-ness. This is science!”

The Angry Mob pops up, as it has only grown upon finding out what happened to Velma. But she has no time for that as she starts up her machine. And it brings the iced monster to life.

However, Shaggy and Scooby aren’t afraid….Play that pig/hell clip again. But of course, it rampages and escapes anyway. Velma, still an angry bitch, asks Fred to go get it, but the van thing has really taken a toll on him.

So Shaggy and Scooby volunteer to head out instead. And they deny an offer for Scooby Snacks. …Now cut to a clip of cats and dogs living together.

Fred mourns the van some more, and it’s actually pretty emotional. Wow, never expected that to happen. Daphne mourns her look and while doing so, she finds a secret tunnel. Then we cut to Shaggy and Scobby chasing down the monster, with a montage set a song that is no Terror Time, but it still okay.

Daphne bumps into Baron and her screams lead Fred to her. This gets Fred’s mystery mojo back. Shaggy and Scooby randomly wake up in Velma’s lab, tied down. The monster is tied down next to them, and Velma explains that the monsters brain is defective, and they must add some extra brains to make it better. Shaggy and Scooby’s brains.

Yeah, I doubt the brains of a Dog and a stoner will help you. She says that between the 2 of them, they have almost have one whole brain, (haw) but that just makes my point stronger. Also, Velma’s really evil now I guess.

The monster tears off their special Ledorhosen they got from the mayor, and now they feel hungry and scared again. …Okay then.

Fred finds Velma and finds the Baron, having taken a level in badass. At least until Baron reminds him of the Van. Then he falls. And then Daphne tells him to do it for “Her” and he gets back up. This is pretty epic but…now you are ASKING for the crappy M rated sex fics about Fred/Van.

Fred fights Baron off, and we have a sweet moment with him and Daphne as he says he doesn’t care about her new appearance.

“You always look great to me”

Those people who bitched about that bit must look really silly now. That was a pretty sweet scene, to be honest. This movie is getting a lot better. Shaggy and Scooby escape the evil Velma out for their brains (This job is weird sometimes) and Daphne finds out that her new look is just the result of a weird fatsuit…thing.

She and Fred escape and run into Shaggy and Scooby. Also, Daphne has her old outfit back because magic. Velma catches up to them and she’s normal now. No explanation, and no one questions it. Okay.

“I’m Sorry I tried to take your brains, guys”

I love this “job” sometimes.

Velma says she was hypnotized into doing all of this. Sure, why not. Either way, she’s normal again and they must escape and stop the Baron. The Baron set up some gas in the castle, and the town is known for making torches.

You know what happens next.

Yep, a huge explosion as the gang runs away. It’s kind of awesome. The townspeople think they all died and they throw a party. ….Wow, what jerks. They get their due as various ghosts chase them out of town.

However, those ghosts are actually just the Mystery Gang in disguise. So wait…this time THEY are a monster in a mask? Whoa…

But there’s no time to dwell on that, as we find out the monster was just Discount Igor in a robot suit thing. …And then Di turns out to be some Government dude in a robot suit thing. ..I’m confused.

“Weeks ago, one of our experiment exoskeletons designed to increase the strength of the infantry men of the future was stolen from one our research labs. We traced it to this town and went undercover in hopes of finding it out.”

“Wait, you were the monster in the lab?”

….I have a lot of questions, but let’s just pretend this makes perfect sense and fits in the story. And no, he wasn’t the monster back in the lab, that was the mayor. Yeah, saw that coming, sort of.

It was all a conscript and hwo was behind it? The Lawyer. Pick up the phone, cuz I called it.

And he’s not even her Lawyer, he’s the partner of these attorneys from an old episode of the original show. Nice continuity, movie. Through a series of events too convoluted to go into here, he blew up the van, put Daphne in a weird suit, used weird things to give Shaggy and Scooby a false sense of courage, and he hypnotized Velma into going insane.

The townspeople were on it and all this stuff happened. Even for Scooby Doo, this is convolved. Pretty cool, but still confusing. A Good of the towns people that were in on this are actually old villains who teamed up for a revenge. A Scooby Doo villain team up…WHY DIDN’T THIS GET IT’S OWN MOVIE?! That would be amazing!

‘Everyone you’ve ever busted wants revenge! We were turning people away in droves. We fiended each other on the Scooby Doo Gang Revenge Social Networking page.”

A social network of Scooby Doo villains, planning revenge ….Again, WHY ISN’T THIS IT’S OWN MOVIE!?

Once they found out about the Castle, they came up with this whole plan. This is a damn good twist, but it’s way too convoluted for my tastes.

“And we would have gotten out revenge on you meddling kids, if it weren’t it for you meddling kids”

These villains must work for the Department of Redundancy Department. Anyway, they are carted away and everyone is happy. I’m sure you have questions the movie answers, but I don’t care. I’m just not sure how these Government dudes got involved.

Speaking of them, as a reward for helping them, they made a new Mystery Machine. Woo hoo. So they head off, back home. They have a cheesy moment, and they notice a new buttn in the van.

They press it and the van turns into a rocket and flies away. Roll credits.

What just happened? Whatever, whats in the credits?!

‘Wait, that’s it?! But there’s so many unanswered questions!”

…Oh shit, I’m in the movie now.

…Actually, he just points out pointless stuff, like Shaggy wearing something in one scene, and something else in another shot. Crap, the young version of the Cinema Sins narrator!

Then some agent dudes show up and take him away. For the crime of pointing out plot holes.. …Well, see ya, I’m gonna go on the lam.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, this was a pleasant surpise. I knew nothing going into this, and it seemed like it would be just another Generic Scooby Doo movie at the start. But it actually turned out to be pretty solid!

Not one of the best, but still decent. Let’s go over the flaws. It has a generic set up, the pacing sucks in the first half, and the final reveal is way too convoluted for it’s own good. But even with the last one, this movie was decent enough. Despite the set up, they used it for some pretty good visuals and atmosphere. On top of that, we have a pretty good story which some development for the characters.

As drawn out as it was, I liked Fred’s whole thing with the Van, and he got some awesome moments because of it. I like the bit with Daphne, as it gives a good lesson and again, more development. And Velma going insane was kind of awesome. I like her minor depth as well but man, Insane Velma is amazing. And also sort of hot.

Shaggy and Scooby don’t have a lot to do but they are fine, as always. I really enjoy the story and development in this one. Then there’s the twist. It’s a BRILLIANT idea, and it’s almost done well…but it’s so confusing. That nerd is right, there were so many unanswered questions and plot holes.

Not to mention that it should have been it’s own movie. Imagine it. All the classic Scooby Doo villains having a Social Network, and coming back to get revenge. That would be amazing. But nope, it’s the twist and it’s kind of rushed.

But hey, it’s kind of cool. So in the end, I recommend this one if you’re a fan. It has some nice development, a solid story, and epic Continuity porn. It has flaws, and I won’t give it the best grade, but it is a fun entry in this ever growing series.

Check it out, it’s not bad. …Wait, why is it called Frankencreepy if the monster is Franken CREEP and he’s not even the focus?

Grade: B

Next time…I’m not sure. We’ll have to wait and see.

See ya

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment