My Super Ex Girlfriend is Property of 20th Century Fox
Hello, Spongey here.
After the disaster that was the Rio review, you guys deserve a review that will not suck. I hope to give that you today, even if the movie will sadly, suck hard. This isn’t exactly a movie people talk about, but I’ve heard some pretty bad things about it.
So naturally, I wanna review it. In this day and age, with comic book movies taking over our cinemas, it only makes sense that we would get a few comedies poking fun at superheroes and the like. We’d have some good ones, and we have also gotten ….this.
There isn’t much else to introduce, other than the “creative” team. The writer has written far better comic book films such as both Thor pictures….and also Fantastic 4 2, but I can forgive him for that.
The director, is a bit more interesting….Ivan Reitman. Yes, the same director who previoulsy helmed some of the best comedies ever, such as Ghostbusters, and Stripes. However, he went into a huge slump, directing gems such as Junor. Need I say more?
Thankfully, he has gotten his mojo back with the No Strings Attached, and Draft Day….which came out a few days ago. Okay, I swear I didn’t plan for this to be a tie in to that. Two reviews in a row tying into films released on April 11th. Weird.
So, why does this film make people wonder if Ghostbusters was a fluke? Let’s find out.
This, is My Super Ex Girlfriend
After I find out this is yet another time where I reviewed 2 Fox films in a row, the movie opens with a bunch of dudes robbing a jewelry store and driving away in their getaway car. They are stopped by the stupidly superhero G-Girl (what does the G stand for, Girly, Genki, Grimey?), played by Uma Thurman.
Okay, Batman & Robin, Movie 43, and now this? She really should stay away from superhero characters. Our hot heroine stops the bad guys and we cut to two guys read about her feat in the newspaper, which proves this was made in 2006.
“If you could have one super power, what could it be?”
Ah, he subscribes to the tao of Pinhead Pierre
“The power to blow myself”
“There’s a visual”
What he said.
The nerdy one who wanted to blow himself, spots a chick while they are on the subway, and tells Luke Wilson here to tap that, because it’s been 6 months since his break up with his last girlfriend. As you can tell, the nerdy one is a master at forced exposition.
“I would have plowed half of soho by now”
‘Cuz you’re soulless and shallow”
“It’s a blessing”
Saying the character sucks doesn’t make him better.
Luke sucks it up and hits on the girl and she flat out says no. She’s direct, I’ll give her that. Then some bad guy steals her purse and Luke goes after him because he wants her that much, I guess. One short chase later, the bad guy runs away from him and he gets the purse back, but the baddie comes for him once Luke insults him.
So he was willingly to cut his loses and give up the purse, but one insult sets him off?
Matt runs into an alley and hides in a dumpster. The bad guy sees the dumpster
Hey, the movie called him out for me!
Suddenly, the baddie vanishes and when Matt gets out, the chick is there. Yeah, she’s the Clark Kent to G-girl’s superman, calling it now. We find out her named is Jenny Johnson.
“You got the whole alliteration thing going”
Stop stealing my witty comments!
Since he got her purse back, Jenny says yes to a date with Matt. As they walk away, we pan up to see that she hung bad guy on a thing above them. How did Matt not see him and why didn’t the baddie scream or anything?
We cut to Matt’s workplace, as we meet Hannah, played by Anna Farris (yet another blemish on her resume) as she does some stuff with Matt and he stares at her ass when she is on a ladder messing with books on a shelf. I’d say “lovely” but I can’t say I wouldn’t be dong the same thing in his position.
This catches the ire of his boss, played by Wanda Skyes. Okay, two Fox films with Wanda Sykes, that tie in with a recent release in a row? This, I did not plan, at all. Hannah says she will let it slide so Wanda lets him off. The only reason this scene exists is to establish Hannah and the fact that she is hot. Like I didn’t know that already.
Matt goes on a date with Jenny that night, and it seems to go well. At least until she randomly leaves to hit the bathroom. While she’s gone, Matt talks to his friend on the phone, (who we learn is the annoying sex crazed one) as said friend stumbles upon a burning building.
G-Girl thankfully shows up to stop the fire and we see her turn into Jenny and go back to her date. Now that we fully know that Jenny and G-girl are the same, I can comment on this: It’s cool to see someone act COMPLETLY different under their secret identity, to the point of changing the hair color. Instead of you know, slapping on some glasses and calling it a day.
Actually, jokes aside, I never got why people say the glasses separate Clark and Supes.. I mean Superman has no geeky look, no geeky mannerism, oh, and also THE FREAKING SUIT. But anyway, it’s cool that this chick went all the way instead of half assing it.
The next day, Matt tells Hannah about his date and after Hannah deems Jenny a nutcase (for having a smudge on her face after coming back from the bathroom?), she is visited by her boyfriend Steve and then they leave.
After that pointless bit, Matt meets with Jenny again that night. They go an art museum, where Jenny says that in a way. Matt is her hero or something and they kiss. Then we get a pointless comedy routine regarding Matt’s french kissing abilities, followed by them going to Matt’s place to have sex.
And so we find out what sex with a super heroine is like: Weird and rough, to the point where it kind of messes up the bed. And yet it isn’t nearly as funny as the time Bella and Edward did the same thing.
Also, Jenny really sucks at having a secret identity if she’s gonna have sex with a dude even though she must know her super vag is too much. Did I really just say that?
The next day, Matt tells his friend about the bed breaking thing, but this only encourages Matt to keep moving forward with her. To be fair, sex like that wouldn’t exactly turn me off either. Matt leaves only to bump into some bad guys who take Matt into their car.
Here we meet Professor Bedlam, played by Eddie Izzard, who is our obligatory super villain for the evening. He claims to be a normal guy and then he asks Matt about his new girlfriend. He rightfully says no, so of course Bedlam hangs Matt by the statue of Liberty. And by that, I mean a terrible green screen effect.
G-Girl catches wind of this and quickly saves him. While she’s gone, Bedlam and his goons go into her house, having figured out her secret identity faster than most villains. Later on, Matt tells Jenny about what happened.
So, a guy that you know is a villain asks you about your new girlfriend, who he shouldn’t know about, and puts you in danger because you won’t talk about her, and you doesn’t see anything weird about that. ….Idiot.
Jenny hit by a car, in another amazing effect, and she is perfectly fine afterward. Matt says it’s a miracle, proving to be the biggest idiot ever. She takes him to her place, where she finally just tells him that she is G-girl.
Naturally, he doesn’t have a shit ton of questions and they move on to him swearing he will never tell anyone her secret. After that, she launches into her and Bedlam’s backstory. Bedlam is really Barry Edward Lambert, and they went to high school together. They were both outcasts, so they dated but on the night they were about to do it, a meteor struck the Earth close to them.
Jenny, like an idiot, touched it and boom, she got superheroes. By the way, her super heroine transformation included breast enlargement, as we see. No comment. After that, she donned a wig and with her newfound coincidence, became more popular in school but she and Barry grew apart.
Long story short, Jenny became a full superhero, and Barry went into the evil mastermind business and all that. As far as back stories go, it’s fine I guess, except Barry becoming a villain is totally her fault as we see through the visuals that she pretty much forget about him and became kind of a bitch and stuff.
I would call out this kind of thing, but something tells me that it was kind of the point. Mostly cuz I peeked ahead in the Wikipedia summary. After that, Matt requests that they have sex while she is G-girl. To be fair, …..i would totally request that too. Wow, I have problems, don’t I?
Sadly, instead of having another round of super sex, she takes him for a flight. However, they actually do have sex….in the sky. ….Okay, that is the best and worst thing I’ve ever seen. Come on, don’t we all want to have sky sex? …..No, just me?
This pretty much scares the shit out of Matt, (by the way, no one sees this because derp), and then we abruptly cut to Bedlam, who found a lock of Jenny’s hair earlier, as he finds out that her hair is pretty much super strong. Movie, reminding me of Superman 4 is not a good thing. You already did with your effects, anyway.
He uses some formula he made to make the hair cutable, which means he has found G-Girl’s kryptonite….Next scene.
Matt and Hannah are doing work at some place over in New Jersey, when Jenny shows us, telling him that she came here when she heard where he went. She saw Hannah pulling out Matt’s splinter with her mouth (Still better than Patrick’s methods) so she kisses Matt, presumably to show Hannah that Matt is his or something.
Yeah, she’s gonna turn into the world’s worst jealous girlfriend ever, isn’t she?
Matt suggests they all go on a double date, so they try to do so but Steve ends up bailing out due to injuries. But then the TV turns to plot convenience news to tell us this:
“A runaway missile is on a direct course for the Tri State Area”
Naturally, this is a job for G-Girl yet Jenny keeps ignoring it, much to Matt’s confusion.
“Maybe someone deserves one night out with some impending disaster”
I keep wanting to call her out but again, it seems to be the point. Ugh, is there anything I can bitch about?
Things keep getting worse around them, so Jenny finally heads out to stop them missile. She does so but later on, she tells Matt she thinks something is going on with her and Hannah. Matt assures her that their relationship is professional, but Jenny just turns up the bitch dial.
After a mini freakout, we cut to the next day as Matt tells his friend that Jenny might be a little cuckoo after all. She seems to be needing, controlling, and jealous. Well, she’s really only one of those things but okay.
So Matt decides he might have to break up with her with her. Well, considering who she is, this will go perfectly. He talks to Jenny later on and tells her that might have to reevaluate their relationship and yada yada yada.
But Matt makes the mistake of saying that seeing other people might eventually be part of the process, and she goes ape shot. You know, this movie really isn’t giving me much to work with. There’s really nothing especially awful about it so far. It’s mostly just mediocre. Though you could make the argument that this is more than a little sexist in it’s depiction of yet another jealous girl but given the high concept, I think that would be looking too deep into it.
Anyway, Jenny assumes Matt is sleeping with Hannah but Matt finally tells her that she’s crazy and he can’t stand it anymore.
So after the title comes true a mere 50 minutes in, Jenny angrily leaves. Why does she even care that much in the first place? I mean, is Matt so amazing that this superhero really loses her shit when he dumps her?
The next day, Matt is worried that a bitch-y superhero he dumped will come after him but his friend assures him that she is all talk. With that, Matt tells him that Jenny is G-Girl and the friend buys it because no one wants to waste time here.
Later on, Matt is still paranoid that Jenny will try to kill him or something. He tells Hannah that he broke up with Jenny, and that night, G-Girl breaks into his house. She uses a telescope to show him that she threw his car into space and wrote “You Suck” on it.
I’m not sure what that achieves, but okay.
Naturally, this sets Matt is off.
“You’re the hottest girl I’ve ever gone out with, but you’re also the craziest”
This “clip” has never been more appropriate…
BATMAN: Why are the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs?
Jenny leaves and the next day Matt goes to this business meeting with some Japanese guys because yay stereotypes. Before we get any racist jokes, G-Girl show up, takes Matt’s clothes, and leaves without anyone seeing her. Of course no one questions how he took his clothes off without moving a finger.
Matt gets fired over this and he tells Hannah that she should stay away from him, since he can’t tell her about G-Girl because ….reasons. Also, ROMANTIC MISUNDERSTANDING JOY.
Matt goes home and he is visited by Bedlam and his goons. He tells Matt that they should team up to stop G-Girl, since she is giving Matt trouble. He says that he has found a way to strip G-Girl of her powers.
“So she’ll be an…average everyday crazy person”
“That has to be better”
Okay, that was funny.
Bedlame adds that he plans to retire from villain-y and Matt rightfully says in that case, he should give up.
“That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m leaving town”
Yeah, a superhero will never be able to find you.
“That woman just won’t leave me alone! She’s obsessed with me!”
Bedlam said that but come on, at this point you likely thought Matt said it. He gives Matt his card and he leaves. Matt gets a call from Hannah and when he visits her, she tells him that Steve has been cheating on her.
“I found him in bed with another woman. Actually, two other women. Maybe 3.”
It’s a good thing this pointless character existed so we could have this cliché moment, which exists so Matt and Hannah can get together!
And yes, this does lead to Matt asking Hannah out, using a cliché speech and all that stuff. Another forced cliché romance hits us as they proceed to make love. Yeah, a crazy superhero is after you, take some time out to do this crap.
G-Girl pops up, proclaiming she hates Matt. If you left town and dealt with this later, this wouldn’t be happening, you know. She throws a shark into the room (which is alive due to Sharknado rules) and leaves. Ah, the classic shark and run.
After that, Matt visits Bedlam to take him up on his offer. He shows Matt part of the meteor that gave G-Girl her powers (how he got it is anyone’s guess) which will absorb her powers. He wants to Matt to use it because there’s no way Bedlam can get close to her.
Matt visits Jenny as pretends to like her again. Like an idiot, she accepts his fake apology and they meet up at his place that night. Matt has the rock in this big present box, and if he was smart he pull it on her right now.
But he isn’t so he lets Jenny crawl all over him and he pretends to be in love with her. To make this worse, Hannah walks in. ….Yeah, we’re really doing the romantic misunderstanding thing now. UGH.
That friend dude shows up so Hannah and Jenny can have a confrontation, Hannah ends up pulling Jenny’s wig off, and she finally founds out that she is G-girl. Matt tells the friend to open the box, revealing the rock.
G-Girl suddenly starts losing her powers. Wait, just being near it does it? Did the box have super rock protection powers? I don’t get it. Bedlam comes in, and in a shocking twist, he’s not retiring and instead he’s just gonna kill Jenny.
Hannah tries to stop G-Girl from touching the rock and getting her powers back but oops she does just that. With her powers back, she plans to pretty much kill Matt or something. Then….Hannah gets her own set of powers from the rock.
“Get away from my boyfriend you crazy bitch!”
What ensues is a super powered cat fight between Uma Thurman and Anna Farris. ….Somehow, I can’t complain about this scene. Their fight gets bigger as it eventually takes them to a Beauty pageant.
Matt calms them down as he pulls a speech on Jenny. He tells her that he is sorry he hurt her, but what they had wasn’t really love.
“You’re a great girl, and you deserve to be with the perfect guy”
Expect for the crazy bitch part, she’s pretty great, yes.
Matt shows her the perfect guy for her….Bedlam. With a bit of coaxing, Bedlam admits that he still loves her.
“You hurt me. You broke my heart into a million pieces. You ignored me and left me behind. So I thought if I had the powers, you may learn to love me, the way I always loved you.
Okay, let’s see if I got this right: Jenny got powers, making her super popular, and she ignored her great boyfriend, and she was honestly shocked when he turned into a villain. He never just explained to her what his deal was, and now, she is just accepting the fact that he loves her and gets back together with him, without thinking of what lead him to be evil in the first place, and she never fixes her problems.
She’s pretty much been a bitch this entire time, and she stays that way but it’s okay cuz she has found love with Bedlam. ….What a load of bullshit. I thought she would either become the real villain and get defeated like any baddie, or that she would realize what she has been doing and learn a lesson.
Instead we get this stupid middle ground that undermines pretty much everything. Christ, this is really stupid writing. After….that, Matt and Hannah walk away and they hook up. She has powers now, which is kind of pointless but….also kind of hot.
With that, the two go home and have super sex. I never tought I would see super sex 3 times in one movie. The next morning, they bump into Jenny and Bedlam. Wait, G-Girl cause all this damage and no gave a shit?
If you are thinking I will make a Man of Steel joke, you thought wrong.
They mostly make some banter until both Hannah and Jenny hear a 747 in trouble, and G-Girl must go save it. But this time, Hannah wants to join her, and so they do, becoming one weird superhero team. They go off to save the day, leaving me to wonder why they forgave Jenny so quickly.
“Wanna go get a beer?”
Roll credits. Well, that ending flat out sucked. It’s not too abrupt for the most part but….I’ll go into it in just a sec.
This one was mostly just….mediocre. There was nothing especially good or terrible about this film….until the ending. My god, the ending The plot is kind of basic and it’s biggest problem was not going enough with an interesting premise.
It mostly had Jenny acting like a bitch, and the entire thing with Hannah was cliché and stupid. The characters were not especially awful, as Matt was just boring, Hannah was also boring, the friend was annoying and pointless, and the only characters with anything interesting going on were kind of wasted.
The acting is fine enough, but Uma Thurman is the only standout. She’s actually really good as Jenny and G-Girl and she pulls off all sides of her character very well. A bit too well, actually, as he craziness in the 2nd half was more scary than funny. Speaking of funny, there’s nothing really that funny or painful when it comes to the comedy.
But now we have the ending. Now, Jenny’s character was kind of interesting in how much of a bitch she was, but it was mostly Uma’s performance that sold it. It seemed like her being a giant was the point and I was thinking she would just down and that would be it. Boy, was I wrong.
Before I get to that, I will say he only interesting character in the end is Bedlam. I liked his backstory and how it showed Jenny for who she is. Wouldn’t this film be more interesting if it was about a super villain who became evil due to his own nemesis hidden bitch side? Just cut out the Matt stuff, focus on him and boom, you got a better film.
But instead we have….this. Jenny being a giant bitch doesn’t bite her in the ass, and her entire thing with wanting to kill Matt goes competely with comeuppance. This film pretty mcuh has a psycho bitch get away with all the bad things she does because she just hooks up with the right guy in the end,
What a load. I know they weren’t trying to say anything with this film, but this tells me that if you’re a psycho bitch, you will get away with it as long as you get with the right guy. …Okay, maybe I’m looking too deep into it, but it doesn’t work on a pure narrative level.
This movie was mostly just meh until that god awful ending. It’s weak, not funny, cliché in parts, and the ending undermined everything about it. The only thing I’m glad I saw is the cat fight and….yeah it does save it but shut up!
Well, that happened. I want to get that out of my mouth with something ….awesome. But what?
….Oh hell yes!