Bruce Almighty

I for one accept our new rubbery faced overlord.

I for one accept our new rubbery faced overlord.

Hello, Spongey here.

Last year, I did a special review for my brother’s Birthday. I had a list of movies and he picked one he wanted mt to review. Last year, it was Camp Rock 2.

And this year, I did the same thing, cuz I’m nice like that. I had a smaller list with films I was a tad more interested in. It’s not cheating cuz his original choice could be not be found, so he picked this back up choice. An odd choice given my brother’s taste, but it’s an interesting film, so here we are.

Plus, it gives me a chance to talk about Jim Carrey. He once one of the biggest stars in the world, but now he’s not quite as big. This is mostly due to some…not so good career moves on his parts. But even after all that, it’s still a pretty funny guys. Film such “The Mask” and “The Truman Show” proved he can very funny and pull off drama very well.

And he stuck with it, instead of thinking dumb ass Comedy wins out. Take THAT , Adam Sandler! But seriously, he’s a very talented actor, even with his blunders. Yeah, Mr Poppers Penguins has been on my list for awhile.

But today, we look at one of his good movies. It’s a movie people tend to like but no one seems to have it as a favorite. Honestly, I think it’s one of his best. And I’ll into why that is. But first, the creative team.

The director has brought us other Jim Carrey movies including Liar Liar. He also did Patch Adams but I won’t hold that against him. We have 3 writers, two of which are Steve Koren and Mark O’ Keefe. They also wrote Click, A Thousand Words, and …Jack and Jil..

What.

I alluded to this in my Click review…but yeah. The writers of a good Sandler movie, and a good Jim Carrey movie did….a bad Eddie Murphy movie, and an awful Sandler movie. Besides J&J, they have one thing in common, which I’ll get into later.

But seriously, how can the writer create movies on such opposite ends of the spectrum? …Also, the other writer worked on Jimmy Neutron. Cool.

But yeah, with that shock over, let’s exactly why I like the film as much as I do.

This, is Bruce Almighty

The movie opens with our main character, Bruce, played by Jim Carrey, doing a news report. He’s a reporter, that’s important. We see that he gets the fluff pieces. And by fluff, I mean the stuff no one cares about.

I’ll skip this part, but it has some amusing moments. We cut to him watching the report with his wife, Grace, played by Jennifer Aniston.

jennifer-aniston-we-are-the-millers.jpgx

Yeah.

He’s not happy about the work he gets but Grace sees nothing wrong with doing fluff pieces. He wants to do more serious work. Think that’s a metaphor for something?

They have some banter and we cut to the next morning as we have more stuff with the two. Comedies are always hard to review, but until the plot kicks in, this may be extra hard as the film is more fun to watch than it is to talk about.

We see how crappy his life can be, mostly as contrast for later. He gets to work as we see that there’s a dick-ish anchor there that always outshines, named Evan, played by Steve Carrel. He’s an amusing character but did we need a movie about him?

Yeah, we’ll get to that one too.

He talks to his boss, and he finally gets his first live broadcast, and his first report on something worth covering. He’s interviewing someone at these falls. I don’t know, the location isn’t important. But before Bruce goes on, they announce that Evan will be the new head anchor. To make things worse, he steals one of Bruce’s bits in his whole Thank you speech.

Bruce…isn’t happy. Infact, he kind of has a breakdown on the air. It’s pretty funny. Yeah, he’s kind of a dick here, but given the context, it’s understandable that he would go crazy here.

He’s fired. Wah wha. On his way out, he sees some guys picking on a bum. They chase him down and beat him up. They come later, which is why I mentioned that scene. When he gets some, he whines some more. Yeah, this is starting to get a bit much but it would far more annoying with a lesser actor.

He starts blaming God for his crappy life. At least he isn’t saying God flat out doesn’t exist, just cuz someone is not conventionally attractive. Grace isn’t happy about Bruce’s bitching and they get into an argument.

Bruce isn’t having any of this, so he goes for a drive. Crappy things keep happening to him, to the point where he crashes his car. This is the final staw, as he just goes crazy, yelling at God.

‘Smite me, oh mighty smiter!”

And now we have a Trope Name.

He calms down and the next day, he gets getting a call from a mysterious number on his…beeper thing. He attempts to get rid of it, but it keeps coming back. So he eventually calls the number and he gets what sounds like an ad, telling him to look for opportunity at this place.

He goes there, and the place is this huge empty building. He gets to the 7th floor, as he meets Morgan Freeman here. Is this his first appearance on this blog? If so, it’s a great way to introduce him. This is actually the film that me a fan of his.

This is where the movie gets good, trust me. Morgan has a White suit on and he knows Bruce’s name, and stuff about his father. I’m gonna spoil it now: He’s God. And I know this sounds odd, but this is one of my favorite on screen depictions of God, ever.

This scene alone establishes why. This God is all knowing, as you would expect, but jokes around and he’s quite a bit of a troll. However, he has this presence to him that makes him..well Godly. And yes, Morgan Freeman’s performance is a big part of that.

This is the God I totally want. I’m not religious at all (Not against it at all, I just don’t like getting caught up in all that stuff. You understand) but if God was like this, I’d be on his side.

Anyway, Bruce’s little comment from last night got God’s attention. This isn’t the worst thing said about him so why he appears for Bruce is odd, but I’ll let it slide. Bruce has a hard time believing he is really God. e
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After some magic tricks, God proves he is the real deal. He brought Bruce here to offer him…his job. When he leaves the building,…Bruce will have god’s powers.

Ignoring the logic issues, this is an amazing premise, and yes, they pull it off very very well. Bruce doesn’t quite buy it so he leaves. He quickly discovers organ Freeman was right as stuff he wishes for starts happening.

He goes a bit crazy so he stops a dinner. He gets some Tomato Soup and to see if the power thing is real, he parts the red soup. It’s funny and awesome. And then God pops up to explain the rules. Why didn’t he explain them before.

By the way, they are walking on water as they talk.

Anyway, Bruce has God’s powers and there are only 2 rules:

1. Don’t tell anyone

2. Don’t mess with free will.

3. Don’t allow them to make a Grown Ups 3

Wait, that last long was mine.

So now that he knows he has God’s powers, he struts along for a montage. He even confronts those big dudes who beat him up earlier. He takes care of them by making a monkey come out of a dude’s butt.

Yes. And it’s kind of awesome. Mostly cuz we have a LITERAL butt monkey. After that we have a trailer shot, where he proclaims how awesome he is.

Bruce arrives home, happier than ever. He uses his poiwers ro make things a bit romantic. He even makes the Moon move a tad closer so it will look all pretty outside. Yes, the issues with that are addressed.

He has sex with Jennifer Aniston (bastard…) and we cut to the next day as a news report tells us that a freak tidal wave has caused problems in Japan. Told you it would be addressed.

But it’s not adressed again so…yeah. Anyway, Grace was saying something?

“My boobs are bigger”

…Interesting. It’s not important, but I pointed it out cuz uh…reasons.

Bruce heads out as he uses his powers to clear up traffic, so he can move faster with his new car.

“Hi ho silver away!”

Don’t ever do that again.

Bruce’s next move is to get a job at Channel 5, since he got fired from Channel 7. He goes to a place where they are reporting. The crew there acts like a bunch of jackasses, so Bruce dolls out some punishment.

Bruce creates a story and makes it the assholes can’t get in their van to get the cameras. He uses his own to report on the story. The real punishment comes when he puts a ton of weed in that truck so they will get arrested for it.

That’s the 2nd movie from the same writer I’ve seen this month where our hero gets someone in trouble for drug possession in some way. Huh.

Because of this report, he gets his job back. One good report forgives a mental breakdown? So we get a montage of Bruce reporting on stuff he causes himself, and his life getting better.

After the montage, Bruce makes Evan mess up while he is doing his Anchor thing. This is another big trailer scenes, and it’s pretty funny. Here’s an out of context line:

“My tiny little nipples went to france”

It’s weird how this film has more interesting scenes, yet this one makes me laugh the most.

After that, Bruce and Grace (you just got it, didn’t you?), go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Then we get the cliché where the girlfriend thinks the boy is gonna propose, but he really doesn’t. Instead, Bruce says he is now an Anchor.

Suddenly, Bruce starts hearing a bunch of prayers. Oh yeah, that’s a part of being God too. This annoys him so much that he talks to Morgan Freeman- I mean God again …Eh, same thing.

God explains to him about the prayers thing. Bruce has to answer the prayers , as he hasn’t really helped anyone with his God powers yet. Besides himself, anyway. To take care of the prayers, he takes them out of his head, and into some files. That doesn’t work, so he tries sticky-notes.

That fails so he puts them into emails. Naturally, there are about a million prayers for him to take on. He goes to work and after a bit of furious typing, he has barely made a dent with the new prayers coming in. So…

‘Yes, to all”

That causes problems later.

Bruce goes to this party…event….thing, where he soaks up his new fame. He calls Grace, asking her come, but she’s mad about the no proposal thing. In the meantime, this hot chick from the station shows up for a misunderstanding. Yep, the chick makes a move on him and Grace shows up to see.

…I hate this cliché. I like the movie but I hate this cliché. Fuck this cliché. Screw this scene.

Grace is…a bit mad, and Bruce tries to apologize, but he didn’t exactly stop the chick during the kiss. Because cliché.

Grace leaves him and she’ll be staying at her friends place until this is cleared up. To be fair, this leads to decent drama but it used one of my most hated cliches…so yeah.

Sad, Bruce turns on the sprinklers in the place so everyone will leave. Eh, nice spin on the Dramatic rain cliché. God pops up to join this pity party.

“She’ll take me back, right?”

“Would you take you back?

“How do you make so many people love you without affecting free will?”

‘Welcome to my world son”

That’s a very nice moment. But we’ll get into the drama aspect a bit more later. For now, Bruce uses his powers to give Grace “signs” telling her to get back with him. Eventually he just talks to her.

“I miss you”

I think there was a time skip of a few days. Should have mentioned that.

Grace isn’t having any of it though, and Bruce is up shit creek again. Bruce does truly feel bad for what he did, but Grace is busy right now. Yeah, she’s a teacher and he visited her at school.

Things don’t get better as a ton of things Bruce did turn bad. Earlier, he made a meteor hit the earth for a story, and it causes a surge, and some damage. A lot of people prayed to win the lottery, so they won the lottery…but due to everyone winning, they only won like 17 bucks. And the whole tidal thing is being used as fodder for “End of the world” nuts. I like this. It shows that car less actions do have consequences and it makes the film even more interesting.

Those surges cause power outages during a report that night. The final kicker is that there are riots outside the station. Bruce heads outside and we see it’s a huge ass riot out there. Yes, it is similar to the Apocalypse.

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Yep.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Bruce goes back to where this all started and he finds it dark, with no one there. At least until God pops up..

“Hi there, Bruce Almighty”

Roll credits!

Bruce admits he screwed up as God. They talk and discuss the lessons Bruce has learned. God talks about true miracles and yada yada. Then he leaves. That was enlightning. Bruce goes home to mope a bit, and we get a montage of him doing good things for people. Without his powers.

He visits Evan to apologize for being a dick to him. Evan is made anchor again and Bruce goes back to doing the fluffy stuff. After the montage, Grace’s friend pops up to get her stuff. Before she leaves, she says Grace prays every night.

So Bruce checks her prayers to see what she has said. Most of them are about helping Bruce until he gets the most recent one.

“Dear god, I need you now more than ever. Please god, please. I still love him. But I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Please. Help me let him go”

Damn.

Yeah, this movie has become super dramatic, just like in Click. It works even better. It’s a very natural extension of the plot. This stuff doesn’t come out of nowhere like in A Thousand Words. It’s very well done, brings in interesting themes, and it’s what makes this film so good. Even more than the Comedy.

Dramatic rain show up again and Bruce is sad. He finally says he doesn’t want to be God anymore. Then he gets hit a truck and dies. The end!

…Just kidding. It’s not the end….but he does Die and is sent to God. God tells him he has a spark or something, and he tells Bruce to pray. Bruce prays for Grace to be happy

“No matter what that means”

This is a very nice moment. ..Yeah, that’s all I can say, really.

God complies and Bruce returns to Earth as he wakes up in the Hospital. And by the power of plot, Grace is there. This of course leads to an emotional moment as the two make up. They both apologize to each other and everything is fine.

They don’t say much but we get the point. Bruce learns to live with he has, and not to be an asshole. All that good stuff.

We cut to later as Bruce is doing one of his fluff pieces, as he is now happy to do this. He cracks jokes and stuff.

“Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes”

Quoted for truth.

The report ends and he’s still happy. We get wrap up dialogue, wrap up music and the final shot…well, I have to explain something. Throughout the film, that bum the dudes beat up has appeared, with his sign. Each time it says something that relates to the situation, in a comedic way.

The final shot has him holding a sign saying “Armageddon outta here” (PATRICK: Boo!). Then it turns out this whole time, the bum was actually god.

See, I knew God was a bum! I told them! They said I was crazy…AND I AM!

…Roll credits.

Yeah, I will say the ending is rushed. We get the message, but the climax is weak and the film kind of ends. But it’s still a decent ending that gives me warm and fuzzy ends. I’m just glad to be done with this review.

Final Thoughts:

While it’s not quite as fondly remembered as the Mask or something, I still think it’s pretty good. Its not the best Comedy ever, but it’s solid.

The concept is great, and they do a lot with it. It leads to a lot of Comedy and it’s all pretty funny. They even squeeze drama out of it, and it never feels out of place. It helps makes the story and characters even stronger.

The story is basic but it works and the highlight is the comedy anyway. The only important character and Bruce, Grace, and God, and they work alright. Grace is kind of basic but she fills her role fine, and she leads to solid drama.

Bruce is a bit of a dick but he’s relate-able, funny, and fully likable by the end. He learns important lessons and he’s a solid star with this story. Jim Carrey, while a bit over the top, still does a good job. Not his best work but still solid.

However, the true scene stealer is Morgan Freeman. He’s just awesome. He cracks jokes, but he seems very smart, and ..well god-ly. He seems like the way God probably would be…or is. Take your pick. I hope I don’t offend anyone. Anyway, God is awesome in this movie.

Overall, the movie is pretty good. It can be a bit too crazy and fast faced at times, among other things, it’s mostly a funny movie with a great premise, decent acting, a Great God,, and very good Drama.

It seemed like the writers strengths was very funny Comedies with Drama in them…until Jack and Jill came around. Then A Thousand Words. Ouch, seriously. But hey, at least this movie is good. Thank you brother, for picking it it. Happy Early Birthday. You should all check it out if you haven’t already.

Grade: B+

Next time, we venture into the world of YA….that should be fun,

See ya.

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Epic

Nothing says Epic like Pitbull, Beyonce, and Slugs!

Nothing says Epic like Pitbull, Beyonce, and Slugs!

Hello, Spongey here.

Let’s like we get to talk about Blue Sky again. I …kind reviewed Rio a few months ago, and I think I teased today’s movie there. Now we get to talk about it.

For awhile, Blue Sky has been the …Underdog studio, so to speak. People mistake their films for films by other Studios, and they are 2nd fiddle to Dreamworks and Pixar. Hell ,even Sony has more respect, with the hit that was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatbals.

That’s not too bad, cuz their films aren’t exactly the best ever, but I did hope they would get for fame someday. And last year, I thought that day would come when I heard about this movie. The trailer (besides one element I’ll get to) made it look amazing.

It seemed like a complex, epic, adventure akin to How to Train Your Dragon. Infact, I thought it would be to Blue Sky what Dragons was to Dreamworks. It came out…and it wasn’t. The reviews were average, either disliking it, or finding it…Okay. It made money but it mostly came and went.

I saw it in theaters and you know what, I liked it. However, it’s still not as amazing as it could have been. So today, I’ll re-visit and see it’s better than I remember. Or I can least explain why it’s a decent movie.

A few things before we start, though. This film is based on a book called The Leaf Men and the Brave Good Bugs , by none other than William Joyce. Yep, same guy who had his hand in Meet the Robinsons, Robots, and Rollie Pollie Ollie. His style is evident in each of those movies, and he’s awesome.

I may have mentioned this before, he actually prefers the adaptations of his work to be different than the books. So don’t go bitching about the differences here. Though I wish thye kept the title. The new title is…pompous, to say the least.

But hey, it may live up to that title. Also, as a side note, Stefan Ellison, aka Mr Coat, loves this movie. I mention that because he’s the biggest Epic fan on Earth, and thus, I felt I should give him a shout out. But seriously, he did a video on Blue Sky, and one on this. Check them both out, here’s a link to the Epic one:

Anyway, let’s jump into this thing.

This, is Epic

The movie opens with narration.

“Somebody told me once that if you stand still in the Forrest long enough, you’ll see signs of a hidden struggle. Raging between forests of life and decay. That the survival of the forest itself depends on the out coming. The good guys need all the help they can get. If you don’t believe it, take a close look. If you still don’t…”

Then screw you.

“Look closer”

That too.

We see a guy running in the Forrest, looking for something. After a bit of time with him we get to the cool part. We are introduced to the Leaf men, these really tiny dudes no one can see for reasons we’ll get into later.

We see one fighting off a green monster dude who is riding a bird. The first I can say about this movie is that the animation is kind of AMAZING. It’s hard to describe here but it looks awesome. Besides the strong character animation, we have fantastic, realistic backgrounds and everything looks very real, which helps the fight scenes, such as this one.

This whole opening scene is the best part of the movie, showing off fantastic animation in every frame. I’m not saying the rest of the film is bad, I’m just saying it doesn’t top this scene The reason being is that is the spectacle of seeing all this for the first time. Even the climax doens’t top it, but the other action scenes are still great.

We also quickly forget out what this leaf dude is like. He’s with other guys, and he’s doing things different from the others. Yep, he’s a rebellious teen, but more on that later. To be fair, it ain’t done too badly compared to other movies, but for now, let’s move on.

That scene ends with the kid and his Dad (Their names are Nod and Ronin, by the way) making like their race and…getting out of there. We move on to meet our Human heroine, Mary Katherine aka MK, voiced by Amanda Seyfried. This is a good time to mention that she was named after William Joyce’s daughter, died in 2010.

That is sweet.

(What, you expected me to D’aww again?)

She’s a teenage girl and she is visiting her father who lives in this big ol weird house near the Forrest we were just in. By the way her Mom is dead because of course she is. Now, I’ll say right now that Dad, voiced by Jason Sudekis, has been a busy with something (which we’ll get to in a secon) and thus hasn’t been there for him. Yeah, it’s that cliché but to be fair, MK isn’t a brat about it, and while some may disagree, Dad isn’t that much of a dick.

He leaves so she can settle in, and she looks at a picture of her Mom.

“Okay, I’m trying. That was the deal.”

…Well, that’s interesting.

We head back to the forest so we can get back to the interesting part. We head into the Leaf men (er, Leaf people, cuz there are women)’s world which of course is very beautiful looking. Ronin, voiced by Colin Ferral talks to Queen Tara, voiced by Beyonce. Yeah, this movie doesn’t do the whole…Dreamworks for the most part, but this casting is a tad pointless.

To be fair, she does a good job as her character is rather playful and thus, not boring. That gives her an actual character to work with and she does fine with it. She needs to choose an Heir and she hasn’t picked one yet

While she’s talking to Ronin she’s shown to be a spunky, or however you would describe it which adds to the …not boring part. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s hitting on Roin. I almost want to see if there’s fanfic of that.

She must choose an Heir today, by the way. With that, we meet our villains, the Boggans. They live on rot so they live in a very rotted area of the forest, which looks awesome, by the way. We meet their leader, Mandrake, voiced by Christoph Waltz. The Boggans think the Leaf Men drove htem area and they are infested the place with hideous green forest, while our heroes think otherwise. That’s a nice touch that at least tries to give the villains a motivation besides being evil cuz evil evil evil.

“Today, We’ll show them you just can’t stop the rot”

Yes, Waltz does a great job as a villain once again, why do you ask?

“If the Queen dies without an Heir, the leaf men can’t regrow anything.”

Yep, their gonna kill the Queen. This movie has a dark edge to it sometimes, and that’s cool. But maybe it needed more of an edge…I’ll get into that later.

Back with the heroes, Nod gets back to Ronin, and neither of them are happy. Nod is tired of being treated like a kid and oh yeah he’s not his Dad but he is taking care of him cuz his real Dad is dead. Man, Dead parents everywhere!

This bit is a tad cliché but they tone down the painful parts, at least. Besides, Ronin is kind of awesome. His plight is actually interesting and he’s also a badass. He’s awesome. Nod leaves and this ceremony thing starts. But we gotta get back to the normal Humans so let’s see what MK is up to.

See, Dad thinks there is a society of tiny people living in the woods, and he has dedicated his life to finding them and proving they exist. He has cameras all over the place, too.

“It ruined your career, not to mentioned your marriage”

Way to make him feel better, MK. So yeah, this has taken over his life and we;ll get more into that as the film goes on. He explains a few things, like why we can’t see these tiny guys. They move too fast, like insects. His theory is that they are living faster, like in a different dimension.

“To them, we’re just big and dumb and slow”

Now, this idea is cool. Actually, the whole world of the movie is very well done. The writers and animators put a lot of detail to help make this a fully fleshed out world, with interesting ideas. The highlights of the film are the parts that go into the world, either through the way the Leaf men work or just the exposition dumps.

However, this film has flaws ghat kind of make it weaker than it should have been. But I’ll discuss that as we go along. For now, MK wants to talk about personal stuff. She wants him to stop all this, and their conversation is cut off by something Dad’s machines are picking up on. He has to head out as the tiny guys are suspected to be on the move.

Yeah, it’s kind of Dick-ish of him to leave just as she starts talking, but it is part of his development, to see her point of view. But since his crazy theories turn out to be real, you can construe this in any way you want.

Some of the cliches, like this, bugged me on my first vewing, but after watching Mr Coat’s video, I started to see some parts in a different light. I still think this could have been written better, but they try to make this part as good as possible without falling into the trappings of other films.

Anyway, Dad leaves to do stuff, and MK is sad.

“Sure Dad, I’ll be here, in reality”

Ouch.

We back to the Forest world, as Tara is walking around. And here we meet the 2 characters you either like or hate, Mub and Grub, voiced by Chris o Dowd, and Aziz As..as…asnari…asn…the Indian dude from Parks and Rec. They are these 2 slug dudes who are out comedic sidekicks.

You either find them very funny or very annoying. I’m in the middle. Sometimes they are annoy, and sometimes they are funny. I wish that they were toned down so I can enjoy the film better but they do play a part in the plot, which is more than I can say for other Comedic Sidekicks out there.

I see why some people hate them but eh, I’ve seen far far worse. They work for the Queen and the skinny one gives her this pod. See, she chooses the Heir via this pod, I think. She’s picked her Heir I guess, so of course the bad guys storm in.

This leads to an amazing action/chase scene. Seriously, it’s pretty epic. ..And now the title makes sense. Anyway, Ronin tries to get Tara away from the bad guys, but while they are in the sky, something happens and she falls down. She falls right next to MK, who ran into the forest to catch up to the dog I forgot to mention.

The pod flies into MK’s hands, and boom she’s shrunk down. Before she has time to react, Tara tells MK to take the pod to Nimgaloo. Then Tara dies.

…Well, I didn’t see that coming. Wow, this movie actually has balls after all. Yeah, it’s a tad cliché but it works. It’s a nice dramatic moment, especially when Ronin comes in and sees this happen to his Queen. It’s a very well done scene.

So yeah, the Leaf Men have a problem on their hands. The villains have kind of killed their Queen and they must protect their only hope. MK realizes she has shrunk but she has bigger things to worry about out, like…the fat slug fitting on her.

Ew.

The slugs say they are the pod caretakers, and I wonder why this epic Queen would put an important pod in the hands of….these guys.

“You’re kidding”

See, he gets it.

So a little girl, a warrior, and two slugs fly away on a bird, and the priest and the Rabbi are nowhere to be seen. We cut to Nod who is caught up in the wild world of Bird racing. He wins and he gets beat up by the henchmen of a frog voiced by Pitbull. Now that is a pointless casting choice. Doesn’t help that he was on some Promotional Images despite only being in like 2 scenes.

I guess there was some deal where Nod had to loose, but he ended up winning which pissed off the…frog mafia? I don’t know. Thankfully, he is saved by Ronin. He tells Nod that Tara is dead, and he’s as unhappy as everyone else. So now Nod wants back in. Hey, he’s too much of a dick after all!

Ronin lets him ride with him since he will be of more help than a teenage girl and Comic Relief slugs. Back in the Human world, Dad gets back home and sees a note from MK, saying she is leaving.

..I forgot to mention that part. Oops. Good thing we cut back to MK in the Leaf world, then.

Some Boggans appear and we have a chase scene. They escape them and MK and Nod end up in a tree…cave…thing. You know, I just noticed that we haven’t had a scene I was expecting. Where someone gives MK an exposition dump to tell her, and us, how the world works. Instead she’s thrust into this adventure and learns naturally, and thus, we do too.

…Props for that, I guess.

After a fight with an Evil Mouse, Mub tells Nod that MK is his. Again, ew. After some stuff that’s skippable, our heroes head to the home of the scroll keeper. The first thing we see of him is…him singing. Yeah, a musical number because …he’s voiced by Steven Tyler. …Eh, the song is awesome so I don’t care.

It ends when he finds out that Tara is dead, and he bumps into our heroes. As it turns out, Nim doesn’t know what to do with the pod. So they head into the scroll room, as they contain the full history of this place. Every event is recorded there, even the slug doing dumb stuff upon hearing that.

They find out that the pod must bloom tonight in the light of the full moon. So that’s good but MK still needs a way home. Nim gives her a scroll, and tells her to blow on it. She does and Tara’s …ghost, I think, pops up to tell her to- insert Obi Wan joke here. Uh, I mean, a recorded of her from the moment she died reveals she gave the pod to her cuz she can’t take care of anymore, due to ….a vacation, of course.

MK must stay with the pod when it blooms because she’s important, I guess. In the meantime, they take a break as Nod and MK exchange some banter. He takes her outside to ride a deer, because we need to create some shippers somehow!

Through this, we find out how much Nod misses his real Dad, and it gives the characters room to breathe. Back in Nim’s tree…place, Mandrake shows up to take the pod. Naturally, Ronin is pissed when Nod and MK get back.

“Do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?”

He’s got a point, to be honest. MK takes the blame, though, since the Queen gave it to her. She even offers to help get it back. They plan to get the pod back from the bad guys, but before we get more into that, we cut to Mandrake as he has the pod…and the slimy baggage that comes with it. …That means he has the slugs too.

His plan is to make the pod bloom in darkness, so thus the forest’s last hope to be green shall vanish and he can take over. Eh, I’ve heard worse plans, so I give it a thumb ups. Back with our heroes, they sneak into MK’s house to get some Boggan armor so they can sneak into their place to get the pod.

While they look, Dad pops up and we find out that these tiny guys call us “Stompers” and they have been stopping him from finding their land. MK takes offense to their mocking, and she reveals he is her Dad. Oh yeah, Nod didn’t know that MK was a shrunk stomper until now. This doesn’t cause issues but it’s interesting, I guess.

Also, Dad’s theory about the small people seeing big people as slow was correct. Speaking of Dad, he’s sad because MK supposedly left, and he realizes what he has done. It confuses me how certain people (not naming names) see him as an awful person when he is clearly much better than most “Workaholc” Dads in films like this. He’s learning his lesson, at least. And hey in this case, he actually does have an issue, and it’s not the kid being a brat.

Then again, it wouldn’t be the first animated to be overhated. …Yeah, I gotta review Chicken Little someday.

MK sees this but she starts getting chased by the dog. They run away but Dad sees them and uses a thingy to catch MK in a jar. He sees it’s MK and he faints, dropping the jar. It breaks, setting her free. Well, that was fast.

Don’t worry, that wasn’t pointless, as we’ll see later. Plus, it was cool to these small people in a huge house. They get the Boggan armor and they head into enemy Territory. Ronin creates a distraction while MK and Nod find the Pod…and the slugs too but mostly the pod. Huh, the slugs don’t do much despite being important. Good.

Ronin bumps into Mandrake and they have a fight while our heroes try to escape. This whole scene where they escape while hell is breaking is loose is pretty amazing. The movies weaker tendyc clam down while we are treated to great action, nice animation, and even good music. This is really is a movie I appreciate more on a 2nd viewing.

They escape but sadly, Ronin ends up staying behind. He ain’t dead but they must think he is. They get the pod back home and it looks like the moon will shine on it soon. …So now what? …Well, Mandrake and his goons pop up to block out the moon. That;s what.

The leaf men fly up there to fight the bad guys. MK wants a way to help and she decides to get her Dad. She takes a bird we cut to Dad thinking about how crazy he is. He starts to turn off his cameras (I think I mentioned that he has them set up all over the Forrest) just as MK flies into them to get him to see her. Wah wah.

But there is a bright spot. Before they left, MK put a pin on his map, to show him where the actual tiny world is. He sees and he says “MK!”. A pin means MK was there…okay then. So he heads into the forest and sees MK. He has a thingy that helps him see/hear tiny people, by the way.

“You were right. About everything. I’m sorry”

“Me too”

Since he was right….does that mean the film is justifying Dad neglecting his family, or what? I see some sign that he learned something but from the way MK says sorry, I’m not sure.

Anyway, Mandrake almost has the pod, but Ronin pops up to kick some ass. Even after fighting a lot of goons to get here, he’s still up for a fight against a big Bad. This movie should have been about him!

MK uses a sound on Dad’s ipod (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!1!!) to scare away the bats the Boggan are using to block the moon. Mandrake almost has Ronin but Nod shows up to be a badass. I swear, everything having to do with the actual word is consistently badass.

The moon is unblocked and the pod starts to bloom. Also, Mandrake is defeated by being thrown into this….weird…thing on a tree. Eh, the climax with him was good enough. From the pod, Tara’s ghost pops up to choose an Heir: This kid leaf dude that wanted to be Qyeen (despite being male) who I never talked about cuz he was only In like 1 scene. Yaaay.

During all this, Nod and Ronin make up, showing they both have learned a lesson. The new Queen/King uses his new powers to get MK back to her normal size. MK says her goodbyes and she kisses Nod. There was no romance, so I assume this is a friendship kiss.

So after her big adventure, MK finally leaves and reunites with her Father. It’s kind of sweet, I guess. We cut to later, as they 2 work together more often, bonding over the whole leaf people thing. So the way for them to patch things up was for MK to embrace his unhealthy obsession?

…It’s getting hard to defend this guy. She gets a call from Nod, which is just him contacting her via one of those camers. …And Mub shows up to hit on her again. I know I said ew twice but…EW!

They start arguing and Mub tries to ..eat Nod.

“Ew!”

What she said.

She goes to…fix whatever the hell that is, and Dad goes with her, now that they are true team, doing all this stuff. Eh, at least Dad learned to bond with family more…i guess. We’re almost done.

And by almost, I mean we are done. They run off, we pan out, epic music plays, and we get our title card. Roll credits. Eh, decent ending. They could have wrapped things up better, but it’s fine as it is.

Also, Pitbull is credited before Jason Sudekis, despite having two scenes. I skipped the 2nd one, that’s how unimportant he is.

Final Thoughts:

While I’m not quite as crazy for the film as Mr Coat, I did like this one. It was much better on a 2nd viewing. However, it is flawed and it could have been even better.

I’ll just knock out the flaws first. The characters can be a tad generic at times. Despite some nice moments, some just fill in the quota. The comedic sidekick, the lead girl, the workahloic Dad, the bad guy, etc etc.

I’m not saying they suck, most of them are likable. I would like some depth, though. Also,the story can be a bit weak. It’s not bad, but more complexisty would be cool. As a whole, the thing should have took more chances. The queen dies, but that’s it.

I wanted to be as grand, or complex as a Pixar film, or even How to Train your Dragon. But it isn’t. It’s still …well epic but it maybe needed to take some chances. But as it is, it’s a good movie that I had fun watching.

The characters themselves work fine. MK is likable even if she is a tad generic, and she’s one of the best animated Humans I’ve seen in awhile. The Dad is…well the most flawed characer, but he isn’t in it much so I don’t mind him.

Nod and Ronin have a decent, if a bit cliché story arc, that works out fine. While Nod is okay , I really love Ronin. His side is interesting and he’s just a badass. I like him. The Queen is there to die but she’s cool, and I like the villain. He isn’t complex but he was badass and he was cool.

The slugs were..okay. They were funny at times, and they were annoying at times. Despite being important, they aren’t in it enough to bug me. They could have been cut out but eh, I’ve seen worse sidekicks. The characters, overall, could have been better, but I’ve seen worse.

The animation is good. I think I’ve said this before, but this has Blue Sky’s best animation, bar none. Everything looks amazing, nad it makes the awesome fight scenes even better. I said before that the world is the highlight of the film and it truly is.

I like the world building, and the writing is at it’s best when it’s dealing with that, rather than some of the more cliché parts. However, the film is still fun either way. Despite some flaws, I had fun watching this one. The animation and action makes this one so much fun and I actually enjoyed doing this review, even if I didn’t have that many good jokes.

While Blue Sky has done better films in my eyes, this is among their best. It could have been more dating, but as it is, it’s pretty good. My grade may be too high, but I stand by it.

Grade: B+

If you missed out on this one, check it out, it’s not as bad as you heard it was.

Next time…I won’t say, cuz it’s special. I’ll just say that it’s another good movie, that I reviewed for a special reason.

See ya.

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The Lone Ranger (Part 2)

The Thrilling Conclusion?

The Thrilling Conclusion?

Hello, Spongey here.

PREVIOUSLY, ON THE LONE RANGER:

John, a normal guy, teamed up with Indian Jake Sparrow, to take down a bad guy who’s evil plan is causing war between the white man and the Indians. That took 80 minutes to establish.

NOW FOR THE CONCLUSION.

Let’s see how they end things. When we last left off, John was making silly faces at some Indians. It doesn’t work but they speak English now because reasons. John tells them Tonto told him some stuff and they say that Tonto is cuckoo for coca puffs. Then they go into his backstory.

When Tonto was a boy, he rescued Cavendish and another man from near-death and showed them the location of a silver mine, in exchange for a pocket watch. The men murdered the tribe to keep the mine a secret. …Well, that’s dark for a movie that had Tonto feeding a dead bird. I mean…geez, I’ve heard people bitch about the tone and I can see why.

…But this story itself kind of fits with the character, so ah well. Tonto was guilty so he went crazy and deluded himself into thinking some weird shit. Huh, that puts the forced comedy into a new light, doesn’t it?

After that backstory, the chief has John and Tonto buried in the sand for reasons I forgot already. Also, Comedy right after the genocide!

So the Indians are going to war with the white men, even though that story confirmed that the Cheif knows about Butch and thus should know that he’s to blame, not the good guys. But whatever keeps the plot going for another hour.

Jonn escapes with the help of the horse (really) and he…just leaves Tonto there.

TONTO: It is a good day to die.

“”Same to you”

Our hero, ladies and Gentlemen!

…Then John comes back to get him cuz Tonto knows where the river begins, which is where he needs to start finding Butch. So he was gonna leave Tonto there and only got him cuz he will be of help to him. Again, our hero.

We cut to the bad guys, as our heroes arrive, giving us the scene on the poster. John has Butch where he wants to, and Tonto hands him a gun with a silver bullet in it.

“No, this isn’t justice”

Together, we can BE justice!

“I’m not a savage”

Ah, we’re going for that kind of thing, eh? Well, just a warning: If you snap his neck, people will throw a fit.

Tonto gets pissed, but John calls him out on his shit, as Tonto is making up half of the stuff he says, as we found out earlier.

“You sold out your whole village for a watch”

Yeah, that was pretty dumb. But you left your sidekick to die and only kept him for your own selfish needs. So…yeah.

Tonto is about to kill Butch anyway, but we’re only 95 minutes in, so John knocks him out. So now he’s just gonna take Butch to the property atrocities to lock him up. I sure hope Butch doesn’t try to escape since being tied up and put on a horse isn’t a hard place to escape from.

John takes Butch to these guys for Justice. Also, Rebecca and Danny were found by these kind of good guys, but they are being held by them so she won’t go out and see that John is there…or something. I don’t know, Wikipedia isn’t giving me anything on this part, but it is telling my the twist about to pop up.

John talks to Cole and here’s that twist: Cole is Butch’s partner. WHAT A TWIST! Too bad I haven’t mentioned Cole that much so to you guys it doesn’t matters. Cole had Dan killed cuz he knew about the war they were trying to start.

Danny pops up (Rebecca escaped but she isn’t in this part) and Cole tells him that John kills his father, Dan. This is intense because Danny has a gun for reasons I won’t get into. But I guess that doesn’t matter, cuz we move on to John being taken to the Silver mine to be executed.

But it’s interrupted by the Indians as we get a big fight. The two groups fight bravely…but the Indians get their asses handed to them. Wah wah. Also, more Genocide for the kiddies!

John and Tonto are…not happy about this.

“There is no justice”

The next day, we have the opening of the new railroad, which Cole is using to mine silver, or something. And that finally takes us back to the bank robbing thing from earlier. Sure took us long enough to get back here.

They stage the robbery to steal nitroglycerin and use it to destroy a railroad bridge. …They still robbed a bank though. Our heroes!

Tonto goes onto this train to do more robbing while Red randomly shows up again to distracts some guards. She’s a woman so you know what I mean by distract. Some stuff happens and our heroes storm the train, leading to the scene that EVERYONE likes.

Seriously, no matter how much people hate this movie, everyone praises this climax. For one, we have the classic music, and it’s set up to a pretty sweet action set piece. How can you can the film is over budgeted when you need money to make something like this?

The other action bits have been okay but this part is just awesome. It has that sense of fun the film kind of needed more of. That and it’s just as long as it needs to be. I’m not sure if it’s worth waiting 120 minutes or so for, but ah well.

To make a long story short, the awesome (seriously, it is so amazing) climax ends with Butch being stopped, and Cole’s train falling off a bridge. Trust me, the defeat feels so much more satisfying in context.

I mean wow, the music, action, and all that stuff makes this climax a ton of fun. I see the haters even like it. With that, John is hailed as a hero.

“I like to express our graduate to this masked man…this lone ranger”

Already did the joke, sorry.

John tells Rebecca he can’t stay and I wonder why she even in this movie cuz she hasn’t done anything. She hasn’t developed or anything. Even Danny got a few badass moments, and John says he is no longer a boy.

Anyway, John catches up with Tonto and they decide they shall be outlaws, heading out to stop bad guys, in the sequel that will sadly never happen. With that, we return to 1933 for, hopefully, one last time.

The kid asks if all that was real.

“Up to you”

Lame.

Old Tonto leaves and the kid puts on his mask. We cut back to the story for a bit to see John finally saying the catch phrase.

“Hi ho Silver, away!”

“Don’t ever do that again”

Gotta love that respect for the source materiel.

So they ride off, and the credits finally roll. That was a 140 minute film, meaning it’s 2 hour, 20 minutes. Not 2 and a half hours. That’s nitpicky but come on guys, when you bitch, get it right. It’s still 140 minutes I’ll never get back. At least it’s over.

Final Thoughts:

Well, that was underwhelming. I dedicated 2 posts to this movie, and after all is said and done, I feel…underwhelmed. It may be due to the fact that they never justfity the length. Bitch all you want about the lgenth of Bayformers, but a lot of stuff happens in those movies, so when I did Dark of the moon in 2 part, it felt needed.

This, not so much. The only reason I did it in 2 parts is cuz there’s no way I’m doing a movie this long all at once. And honestly, that’s the biggest problem with the movie. Any other issue I have stems from this.

Basic story? Wouldn’t be so bad with a 90 minute run time. Lack of development? Wouldn’t be highlighted if it was shorter. See what I mean? But let’s address the elements.

Story is basic but even with the length, that’s okay. It didn’t need any twists, but again, that story did not need to be 2 freaking hours! Anything interests lies within the characters.

Speaking of those, the only ones that matter are John and Tonto. Everyone else is…there. Dan existed to lie, Rebbeca is the woman that needs to be saved, (but she’s not annoying, at least) Danny is a boy who is kind of cool, Red is…there for 2 scenes, Cole is the guy who turns out to be to be a bad guy, and Butch is…well evil. To be fair, Cole’s plan is fairly clever and it does kind of justify a few bits in the story, so I’ll say our villains are decent enough.

The acting is pretty good, I suppose. The only stands out though are Tonto, Cole, and Butch. Depp at least tries and he’s far less dumb than I expected. But less comedy would be nice, so that mood whiplash does not happen. Cole and Butch’s actors do a good job making a threatening villain, especially Butch.

Everyone else is…well not bad, but just there. Also, again, I say the wrap around has no reason to be there. It’s pointless and just another example of this film’s filler.

John is just kind of there, as the hero. He has some asshole moments, and he never really…pops, you know. In some parts he’s badass, mostly the climax, but he’s kind of dulll. Not bad at all, just there. The 140 minutes we sepdn with him makes this worse.

Tonto is mixed. He does some dumb things but he is the most interesting character, with as back story that I kind of liked. However, it feels like no one really changes. And while we’re on our heroes, they have no chemistry. Like in RIPD, it’s mostly harsh bickering and they don’t seem to work well as a team, even by the end.

I’ve seen worse, like in…well RIPD, but they did leave a lot to be disered. On the bright side, the action is solid, it looks great (the film needed the big budget, trust me), and like I said, the climax is amazing. To the film’s credits, it’s not…bad. It’s just…okay. Most of it is fairly enjoyable at times, and I fail to see how it’s the worst thing ever.

It has flaws but there’s nothing offensive or awful here. Yeah, it has dark stuff but it’s there for the story. I think raking out some of the comedy could have helped these parts. It’s enjoyable in some parts, but it did not need to be this long. It has too much filler, nad all of my issues are highlighted with the length.

If it was like 90 minutes or so, it would be a fun ,breezy ride. But as it is, it’s an overlong mess that has it’s moments. They tried, they really did, but it needed some serious editing.

….But seriously, at least watch the climax. It’s so much fun and I wish the rest of the movie was fun as that. It doesn’t lack fun, it just needed more of that.

So yeah, the movie is just okay. Not as bad as people say, but not as good as it could have been. A great climax can’t make up for an overlong film that just needed some re-writes. Meh.

Grade: C+

Next time, we look at something a bit more…Epic.

See ya.

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Movie 43 (US Cut)

THE FOLLOWING IS THE SAME MOVIE 43 REVIEW YOU SAW LAST YEAR…ONLY THIS ONE COVERS THE US CUT, WITH A DIFFERENT WRAP AROUND. I DIDN’T HAVE IT AT THE TIME, BUT NETFLIX HAD IT. SO HERE YOU GO. THE REVIEW OF THE SKITS STAYS THE SAME, BUT I CHANGED IT TO COVER THE WRAP AROUND.

BY THE WAY, THE NEW PARTS ARE WRITTEN IN THE TIME FRAME OF THE ORGINAL REVIEW, SO NO REFERENCE TO ANY REVIEWS THAT CAME OUT AFTER, OR EVEN THE FACT THAT I’VE SEEN BOTH CUTS NOW.

Hello, Spongey here.

I’m not looking forward to this. The hate for this movie is unbelievable. It’s gotten some of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen. Richard Repoper called it the citzen kane of awful, and spill.com gave it a DOUBLE FUCK YOU.

Before this movie came out, no one knew anything about it. And I was interested simply because of the star studded cast. Moral of the story: Good actors =/= Good movie.

And with the kind of buzz this movie has, I needed to review it. Before I start, I must give some background. This is a series of  unreleased sketches, each directed by some other guy.

I love a good sketch show, but I bet this won’t fit the bill quite right. The movie was shot on the cheap (which meant it made it’s money back easily). Some of the actors signed easily, while some actually tried to get out of the film.

 “But we wouldn’t let them. The strategy was simple: ‘Wait for them. Shoot when they want to shoot. Guilt them to death.”

You know a movie is bad when the actors wanted out and the directors admit to evilly guilt tripping them. Most of them only knew about their one skit, and had no idea how bad the rest of the movie would be.

The movie took several years to film because of the actors schedules. And like the last movie we saw, the wait was not worth it.

Without further ado…

This, is Movie 43

The movie opens with a screen writer, played by Dennis Quad, trying to pitch his script to Greg Kinnear here.

This is a movie that is about something”

I highly doubt it.

This is a smart movie with heart. Sort of like The Help”

Haven’t seen it.

The movie opens-”

HEY ONLY I GET TO SAY THAT.

…Anyway, this takes into our first skit. Yep, this is our wrap around. Not a bad idea for one, but we’ll see how it goes. Actually, this is only the US version. The UK cut, as well as the DVD, has a different wrap around. …Which I also covered, so go there to see how it is.

This opening segment is just kind of eh. But eh, the writers of it have done worse. What else have they done? Brickleberry.

Ouch.

Skit #1 is called “The Catch” and is directed by Peter Farlley. It starts off with Beth, played by Kate Winslet, getting ready for a blind date. Said date is Davis, the city’s most eligible bachelor.

She heads to the restaurant where we find out Davis is played by Hugh jackman. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He takes off his scarf to reveal he has balls on his neck.

Yep, actual balls hanging from his neck. I can’t show you a pic cuz…I’m sure that’s illegal somehow. But it’s real. And no one reacts to it but Beth, though even she doesn’t scream BALLLLS.

They make small talk without being funny. The only joke is in the form of his balls. And neck balls aren’t funny. The whole joke is that no one notices his neck balls but Beth. At one point he even gets sauce on his balls and licks it off.

Funny?

Every line from him steers into neck balls, before it turns out he’s talking about something else, which pisses off Beth. Joke?

Reviewing this bit is hard as NOTHING HAPPENS except for that one joke. It gets worse when a family Davis knows shows up with their baby, and David holds the baby and the babys’ head touches his neck.

It’s funny…cuz…baby…balls…LAUGH.

They then take a pic for the family, which involves more close calls with his balls. (RHYME) Thankfully, we abruptly join Quad and Greg. Well, that was a short first skit…and a bad one to start off with./ It didn’t start out awful but it got worse and worse with each joke. How about he we grade each sketch? The Catch gets a d-.

Anyway, what were these two saying?

‘Are you serious?”

My thoughts exactly.

Kate Winslet is gonna make a movie with a guy that’s got balls hanging off of his..chin.”

Sure this wasn’t’ the actual pitch meeting for the movie?

The neck balls are just a metaphor for the flaws that people create in others so they don’t have to take a chance on life and on love!”

No.

Dennis moves on and we skit #2. Why each part of his script is completely different is beyond me. This next one is called “Homeschooled”.

Anna and Sean are having coffee with their neighbors. , Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) say that their son is homeschooled. But the thing is, they want him to have the complete high school experience.

Like the teacher/Mom being bitchy and giving him detention, or dad being a dick coach. But what else does high school have? Alienation, and bullying. They do that too, like writing “Kevin is a fag” on the fridge.

It’s funny cuz it’s child abuse under the guise of home school. They even emulate the whole “not getting into a wild party” thing…using his own house. At least there is a joke this time, and while the idea isn’t bad.,…it’s not funny at all.

We even see them tying him to a flagpole and making him shout I SUCK DICKS on video, like bullies do. It’s funny cuz it’s HORRIBLE.

But they did give him his first kiss…with mom. INCEST! It’s always funny, just ask That’s my boy! They even take pride of the moment when Kevin says he wishes he had never been born, cuz most kids don’t get to that stage until 15.

Kevin shows up to meet the new neighbors, and he seems perfectly normal. At least until he reveals a doll made of a mop with Mom’s face on it, referring to the doll as his girlfriend. End skit.

Wow, that made Hugh’s neck balls look hilarious. That was terrible! I get the joke but it’s so mean spirited….icky! I give a D.

But sadly we move into Skit 3,The Proposition. Yeah, no going back to the wrap aroiund, it just….goes onto the next one.

This one comes from the director of Rebound. Oh how the mighty have fallen. …But the Brickblerry writers return for this one so whatever. Chris Pratt here is about to have a picnic with Anna Faris-

anna-faris

I had to pull this out.

-whom he is in a relationship with. Doug points that he and Julie have been together for about a year now. He says there’s something he wants to ask her, but she also has a request for him.

Will you poop on me?”

What.

I trust you. I want you to be my first”

Shes serious. She really treats this seriously. Before this gets extra gross, Doug has to prepare for that night when he has…to do the job. He has a BBQ with his buds, who actually want him to do this.

Shitting is something you do on a whore. Pooping is something you do for a soulmate”

Profound.

What follows is discussion about what to eat, punctuated with no jokes. That night, it’s time for…the shit to hit the fan. But first, she wants to savor this or whatever. But cuz doug had some laxatives, he just wants to get this over with.

I am actually typing this in all seriousness. Once again, there are no real jokes to be found here.

Julie acts all romantic about being shit on. But then..

Roll over and let me shit on you please!”

More words I never thought I would have to type. She’s pissed cuz of…the whore comment from a bit ago. Why did that “joke” have to come back?

Pissed, she runs into the street, and Doug runs after her, only to get hit by a car. This just isn’t his week. Then they get all romantic while he’s on the ground, seemingly okay in spite of losing a shit ton of blood.

He proposes to her here. Yeah, good luck explaining this moment to your kids.  She accepts. End Skit.

That sucked. While it wasn’t as painful as Homeschooled, it was every bit as shitty. Pointless, no real jokes, and it was just weird. I give a D.

Back in the wraparound, Greg is just as happy as I am.

You lost me everywhere. It’s obscene, it’s offensive”

Do I even need to be here?

Dennis, isn’t having any  of it. He’s pretty desperate, to get his movie made. Greg asks how he even got here, cementing his place as the best part of this movie. It gets to the point where Greg wants to call the cops, but Dennis pulls out a gun. Well, this just got interesting.

Do you want to hear the rest of my pitch?”

…Yes”
\And that takes us to skit number 4, called “Veronica” . Kieran Culkin here is working the night shift at a grocery store. He bumps into the titular Veronica, played by Emma Stone.

emma-stone-hot-booty-shorts-blue-denim-redhead-heels-white-bustier-hq-hd

Again, i had to.

The thing, she is Neil’s ex, so they argue a lot. Then…it gets weird as he says he wants to lick her til she bleeds. It gets sexual and argue-y. And cuz Neil hit the button, the intercom lets the whole store hear this.

They talk more and they kiss. Then she realzies, as Neil realizes the whole store heard this. …Then an old guy tells Neil to go get her back. The customers all offer to cover for his shift while he goes out. End skit.

KRUSTY: …What the hell was that?

How is that Hugh’s Neckballs have been the funniest thing so far?! That wasn’t as bad as Homeschool or whatever, but is it was…weird, and pointless! D- for that one.

After a weird commerical, we jump into skit 5, (no wraparound again) called Superhero Speed dating. Robin, played by Justin Long, is trying out speed dating when Batman, played by Jason Sudekis shows up. Batman embrasses him in a very unfunny way, by revealing Robin’s weird history.

Batman says he’s here cuz he needs Robin to help find a bomb planted by some bad guys .His next date is with Lois lane, played by Uma Thurman. Heh, she’s with batman and robin again.

Lois says she broke up with Superman cuz he fought in a city that was being destroyed and somehow it was a big deal. Wait, that was why the fanboys broke up with him. No, this superman watched her in her sleep.

Batman shows up again and ends up calling Superman on his phone. Hey, that’s not until 2016 guys! He ends up telling supes about the date, and he shows up to threaten Robin. Then he leaves as fast as he arrived.

Robin gets back to his table to see Batman embarrasing him in front of Lois. Man, this batman is a dick! But at least he’s better than Crazy Steve. Man, I’m pulliung out the references today!

Batman lets Robin have one more date before going to get the bomb. Only now Bruce-y is gonna hide under the table and feed Dick some lines to help with this next gal. So then Supergirl, played by Kristen Bell, shows up.

kristen

This pic from the movie shows off her cute-ness rather well. They do the gag where the dude feeds him lines but ends up saying weird shit by accident. At one point, Batman says he can  see her snatch and ends up going on a long rant about it.

Supergirl breaks it when she says she can see him. She promptlty leaves. Getting kind of bored now, but also annoyed cuz Batman sucks. Batman spots The penguin, played by John Hodgman.

Just as Batman puts the hurt on him, Wonder woman shows up. Turns out, she’s his ex and they argue. It gets pretty tedious. Their fight is interuppted, by the penguin tying his bomb to supergirl.

Who is…back somehow. Whatever. With the power of Adam West style sound effects, Robin takes out the penguin and saves supergirl. And now they are together. I don’t care at this point.

Then it turns out “Supergirl” is actually the riddler in disguise. It was part of some weird long plan. Turns out Batman actually knew this back back when he saw “her” snatch.

Why did you make me kiss her/him?”

I woke up this morning with the case of the fuck-arounds”

This skit wouldn’t be so bad if Batman wasn’t so annoying. End Skit. That was the best skit so far, which isn’t saying a lot. It wasn’t panful, and the idea was funny, but it runs on for too long and it just felt awkward and annoying. It gets a D-.

Next is a fake PSA about kids stuck in machines and how adults’ criticism of these particular machines affect the feelings of the children stuck inside the machines. Dumb, but it’s short.

Back with our pitch guys, Dennis mentions the commercials, saying he wants to put ads in the movie. I thought only Fox did that. Greg lies and says it’s a great idea. Dennis asks for the pay check but Greg can’t do that so they must see the Studio Chairman.

On their way there, they stop to hear more of his script. It’s nto Skit 6, called ibabe. This one comes from the director of Little Nicky. Last airbender survivor Asaif Mandiv, is having a meeting over their new product, the ibabe.

The iBabe is a life-sized, realistic replica of a nude woman which functions as an MP3 player. Richard Gere here doesn’t get why there are having this meeting, so Jack Mcbrayer explains. Seriously Jack? A thousand words, now this? So many blog repeat offenders today.

He says that they place the fan…in the opening. By opening, I mean vagina. And since boys love sticking their dicks where they don’t belong…well let’s say this thing was a WTFIWWY story waiting to happen. Hell, the case the skit opens with happened in Florida!

Other mp3players don’t have a warning not to have sex with it”

Knowing today’s youth, they freaking should. Kate Bosworth was the only who figured that a naked lady shaped player with a fan in it’s snatch would hurt someone. They try to figure out a way around this problem especially, since people didn’t love the idea of a naked lady shaped player in the first place.

The whole mangled dick thing was only the icing on the weird cake. They bring out the iBabe 2.0, which includes actual naked boobs. Again, can’t show you cuz porn can be found elsewhere.

This model…lets you the change the race. Again, only kate sees this as bad. This leads to an ad or the iBabe saying not to fuck it. Thankfully, gangster guy takes us back to the wraparound.

That one was…meh. Bad but not the worst. Though, again, it was weird and had no real jokes. I give it a D.

Again, we just move into the next skit. We have Skit 7, called Middleschool date. It’s directed by Elizabeth banks, of all people.

Nathan, and Amanda, played by Chloe Mortez, are hanging at his house for their first “Middle school date”. Wait, why is Hit girl in this movie? Come on, was this your best career move? Oh, and since she was in wimpy kid, that’s another person from another review!

Speaking of Kickass, the villain from that 2nd one pops up as Nathan’s brother, who mocks them.. Amanda gets up once he leaves to hit the bathroom. But as it turns out, she is menstruating, and tries to hide it.

Did this young actress read the script and realize what she is doing? Ugh.

So that’s our joke, as Nathan can’t tell the difference between a punch stain on the couch, and blood. Hell, only the brother puts this together.

Having never had her period, they have no idea what to do. Isn’t this a hilarious set up for a skit? Then dad shows up…played by Patrick Warburton.

Really, dude?! Rebound, Hoodwinked 2, Space chimps 2, now THIS?! This is 5th time you’ve been on here, and of those movies, only Ted was good! Anyway, the Dad doesn’t freak over this cuz this movie loves “weird shit is normal” jokes.

Nathan doesn’t really know what a period is, and assumes snatch bleeding leads to death. Oh, Speaking of Ted, the weird boss from that movie shows up, aka Amanda’s dad.

What kind of sick family squashes a large tomato in my daughters pants?”

OH SHIT A FUNNY JOKE.

Wait, how does he not know what a  period is? Anyway, both dads end up arguing. Amanda finally tells them all to shut up and calls them all idiots. She and her dad head home to take care of her problem.

Then Nathan’s dad farts. Okay. And…the skits ends after a short fake commercial. What the hell? That was…weird! There was no real joke and no point! Fuck this shit! I give it a D.

Back in the wraparound, we cut to the Studio Chariman, who is in a meeting with….Seth Macfarlane. That’s not a joke. He’s even playing himself.

I…just…wow. This is easily the worst thing he’s done. Bar none. We see him pitching …this idea.

It’s a cross between Family Guy and Schindler’s list”

…Knowing Seth, he’s likely done this by now.

Greg and Dennis barge in , and did I menton that Greg’s character name is “Griffin. Makes Seth’s appearance even more interesting. The chariman isn’t exactly up for anything with Seth on his hands. Besides, Seth is busy too.

I got a table read for..American guy?”

Heh. But now American Dad has been ruined forever, thank you. Anyway, it turns out Greg can buy the script, he just lied. You think he would tell the truth BEFORE they got into this salutation. Upon hearing that, Dennis takes them back to the office. So that scene was…entirely pointless. But he, at least I can say every else Seth does isn’t the worst thing ever. But during that last bit, the Chairman was a bit of a dick and Greg reveals that he’s always been a bit of a dick to him. I mention that cuz it may be the reason Greg now wants the movie made.

It’s gonna be this Century’s Howard the Duck”

Please, that movie had 10 times the integrity this one did!

And so we move onto skit 8, called Happy Birthday, directed by Brett Ratner. Hey, I finally get his hatedom!

Johnny Noxvile here is roommates with Sean William scott, and cuz they had a falling out, Pete wants to make it up to him. He got him the best birthday present ever.

What is it? A Leprechaun played by Gerad Butler. Awesome? But the thing is, he is tied up against his will, so he tells Pete to fuck off. So no pot of gold for them today. Then they start hitting each other, and it’s just…ugh. I’m so tired at this point.

Brian tries to help the leprechaun by letting him go. Then he hits him in the balls, pissing him off. So a guy says he’s gonna let you go, and you hurt him, which gets rid of your chance at freedom? Logic!

They get a call from Gerad’s brother. They tell him to get them some gold, or they are gonna kill him. So where’s a joke? A leprechaun is swearing and violence is being threatened That’s not a joke.

Then a bit pot of gold shows up at their doorstep. But then the brother actually jumps out of the pot and starts attacking the boys. Pete shoots the main leprechaun, but there’s still the brother to deal with.

And he just shoots him. Then they throw the two short guys in the trash. Well, that was easy and not funny. Brian thanks Peter for all this, cuz he knows catching the leprechaun must have been hard. They kiss and make up.

And then Pete gives him his other gift…a hot fairy.

I suck cock for gold coins”

End skit. Well, that was slightly better than some others…but also incredibly unfunny and pointless. I give it a D.

Greg finally snaps and heads outside to point a gun at the Chariman, cuz it worked for Dennis.

He held you at gunpoint, and you still asked me for permission?”

Ugh, stop stealing my job.

A Security Guard shows up and Greg asks the chairman to suck the Guard’s dick. Cuz why not. Dennis put a stop to it and forces them to listen to more of his script. That means

we head into skit 9, called Truth or Dare. Donald is on a date with Hale berry here. Catwoman is looking pretty respectable right now.

Hale has been on so many blind dates in the past year, none of which had Neckballs. So she wants to do something different by having a real straight conversation…or play truth or dare. This leads into a couple …sexual questions, which are not funny. Am I sounding like a broken record?

She eventually dares Donald to pinch some dude’s ass. He does and he gets his ass kicked. Joke? Next, he dares her to blow out a blind kid’s birthday cake. What a dick.

Like an idiot, she does. This leads to a very un-funny truth or dare war. They basically prance around like jackasses doing semi sexual things, that a 12 year old must be laughing hard at right now.

By the end of the date, Hale has comically sized breasts, and Donald looks like an Asian man In spite of this, they still hit it off fine. They head back to Hale’s place, where they do it. She also reveals her giant fake breasts which should be awesome but…well let’s say there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

End skit. Eh, not THAT terrible, but it’s still pretty pointless and even a tad racist at the end. I give it a D-.

What does the chairman think?

Too offensive to the Asians”

Okay, if the movie knows it sucks, why does it still exist?!

Anyway, Chairman still has to blow the guard. He isn’t having it so he shoots Greg…and the gunshots appear like, 3 seconds AFTER he got shot. I’d call it the worst editing ever but…

it turns out that whole thing was just the movie being shot. Yeah, they bitch about the crappy effect too, but really? They really go out of their way to say this movie sucks yet it’s still going on like they don’t care!

Isn’t this a movie about a bunch of shorts?”

Yeah”

‘Haven’t we shown the last short?”

Actually, we have one more to go”

‘Why don’t we just run that and cut all this bullshit?”

Seriously, I love that the movie knows it sucks but COME ON. But to be fair, that was the funniest part of the movie. That ends the wraparound, which…wasn’t that bad. It got crazy but it wasn’t too cringe worthy. It even has the rare funny moments!

But we’re not done. We get Sit 10, called Victory’s glory.

It takes place in 1959, with the coach of a basketball team, played by Terrance Howard. The team doesn’t think they are good enough, which prompts a speech.

You’re gonna win, that’s just plain and fucking simple”

Spoken like a true gentleman.

You’re black, they are white This is basketball”

In other breaking news, the sky is blue. The coach’s entire reasoning for their success is that they are black and the other team is white. The white team comes out and starts being racist.

So the whole joke is that the coach thinks race is really important and that everyone is racist. Funny? No. The white team leaves, and that one joke goes on.

Only it gets more vulgar, and he keeps just repeating YOU’RE BLACK over and over again. The team applauds his one joke.

They go out and kick ass, while coach keeps reminding them that they are black. But the white team cheers…cuz they got ONE point vs the 100 points the black team got. It’s funny cuz…uh…racism?

And…roll credits. Yes, the movie is over. With that pathetic excuse for a final sketch. Which was incredibly one note, and relied on a bad racist joke. I give it a D.

So movie over? Actually…no. Once the main credits are done…there’s another skit. Yes, there’s a skit so bad that they just pushed it to the credits.

Yeah, why didn’t they have this one right after Victory’s glory? No idea. It’s called Beezel, and it’s in the style of a sitcom, complete with a TV-MA rating. Also, it was written and directed by James Gunn. Yeah.

Amy, played by Elizabath banks, just moved in with her boyfriend Anson, played by Josh Duamel. Only he lives with a badly animated cartoon cat called Beezel. Amy thinks Beezel is coming between them cuz he hates her.

I’m glad they put that last bit on, I’d claim this is ripping off Ted!

 One day, Amy witnesses Beezel masturbating to summer vacation photos of Anson in a swimsuit Oh joy. Amy is seen and Beezel attacks her. Then he pisses on her.

Again, no real joke, only it’s really gross now. And of course anson doesn’t think Beezel did it on propose, cuz it’s THAT kind of story. He doesn’t even buy that beezel is not normal. Well, Anson is a moron.

Amy rightfully threatens to leave, but Anson says he’ll find a new home for Beezel cuz he loves Amy. So that night they have sex as Beezel watches while sodomizing himself with a hairbrush.

Someone had to write that.

The next day, they can’t seem to find Beezel. Amy goes outside, where Beezel runs her over with a truck. Cuz she’s still alive, he takes out a shotgun and tries to take her down.

But then Amy takes out a shovel and thankfully beats him with it. Hey, look on the bright side…at least he’s not Eric Roberts. But…this all seen by a kid’s birthday party. Wah wah.

Anson shows up and before she can explain, the whole party…BRTUALLY MURDERS HER WHILE ANSON CUDDLES WITH BEEZEL AND THE CAT HAS A WET DREAM ABOUT HIM.

.WHAT THE-

One mental breakdown later

Haven’t had one of those in awhile. So uh., the movie is finally over. Instead of grading…that sketch, let’s just…finish this.

Final Thoughts:

So that…was a thing. A really really terrible thing. I mean…damn, I have no idea where to start. For one, this movie scores the impossible task at being as awful as I thought It would be…but not as painful.

I expected something overtly vulgar like 30 nights, but it wasn’t. But at the same time…it was so aggravatingly BORING. Most of the skits are incredibly one note, with no attempt at actual humor or wit.

Hugh jackman as balls on his neck. A chick is bleeding from her vag. Parents treat their kid like shit under the guise of homeschool. All these are one note “jokes” that they do nothing with. It becomes so boring that it PISSES me off.

I almost wanted to be lenient on this movie cuz of it’s boring factor, but they just pissed me off with how little they cared. Then came that last skit. What is so fucking funny about a woman getting murdered by some kids and adults while an evil cat gets away with being evil?

The skit was typically bad until that ending. It’s not even the worst skit, that honor goes to Homeschooled. There is nothing fucking funny about that child abuse shit, even if it had an actual joke behind it.

None of the actors save their skits, and it’s just bad. There is no good skit, but maybe the Batman one was the best in spite of batman of being annoying. The wraparound was actually the best part of the movie.

Granted, it’s kind of dumb lame but it was kind of interesting and it had a funny ending. I can only think of how bad the other wraparound was. I understand the point of some parts, but there’s funny AND offensive…and then there’s just offensive. It’s gross, one note, and incredibly mean spirited.

I’ve liked crude films before, but this was too much. I guess for a large chunk of it, it’s not piss me off bad, but it’s still tedious.

Then shit like home school takes this movie from really bad to pretty much awful. While it’s not quite the worst movie ever, it is the worst movie of 2013 so far.

Want real sketch comedy? The Kentucky Fried movie. Saturday Night live. Robot Chicken. Hell, Incredible Crew is looking pretty good right now.

Grade: D+

(Yes, I know about in InAPPropriate Comedy. Don’t remind me)

See ya.

There, now I’ve done both cuts. I’ll say which one i hate less at a later  date. Bye.

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Click

Sandler + Walken + a title taken from Goosebumps =???

Sandler + Walken + a title taken from Goosebumps =???

Hello, Spongey here.

Before we finish up the Not Lone Ranger, I figured I’d take a break to look a film I’ve been wanting to talk about it. And oh look, it’s an Adam Sandler movie. Yeah, I need to get back to those. I still need to do That’s my Boy, but for now, let’s look at a good one! Sort of.

Before I start, I must share a true story. You ready?

I saw this movie in theaters. Back in 2006, (I was 12), we had a choice of movies, and I ended up picking this cuz at the time, I didn’t know Sandler’s past track record. We were forced to sit in the very front row. The nature of the film (and I don’t mean in a the gross/dark way) didn’t please me and I was…well kind of begging to leave the theater.

I got over the ordeal quickly but yeah, that happened. It was actually my first PG-13 movie. Oddly enough, I have no issues with any adult films that. I think it was being in the front row and all. I remember liking it to an extent but it did bug me, and I’ll get into the very scene that scared me later.

Just thought I’d share that. Anyway, this movie seems to be mixed for some. Some people see it as just another weak Sandler movie, while others see it as one of his best. This was 2006, so he was in that stage when people were disappointed his Punch drunk love days started before they began. He would do another full drama next year…in the same year he came out with Chuck and Larry, which is awful by the way.

This movie is well known for being shockingly dramatic, while also being a typical Comedy. I recall it being really good, which is why I praised it WAAAAY back on Blogger. But given the reception, I could be mixed now.

But hey, I’ve seen worse Sandler works so It can’t be too bad. The director is the geunis behind The Waterboy, but also the guy behind The Wedding Singer. That may explain the tonal shift I hear about.

As for the writers…that’s interesting. One wrote a film get to someday, and the other, also wrote it and also…wrote Jack and Jill.

Yeah, this can go either way. So is the movie as good as I heard, or as bad as I heard? Let’s find out.

This, is Click

…Not the Goosebumps one. With the exact same plot. Seriously, did Sandler rip off Stine or what?

After 40 seconds of logos, the movie opens with Sandler waking up as his kids are trying to take his Twinkies. Wow, Product placement, and we’re only 1 minute in!

“Can we watch Dragon Tales, please?”

Oh Hell yeah! ….I mean uh…yeah, I watched it.

This is a Sandler movie so hiis wife has to be “No way he would get her” hot so…Yeah, bring in Kate Beckinsale.

3319_Kate-Beckinsale_TR-WEB800px

Yep.

Then the dog fucks a stuffed duck. Because why not. So Micheal (Charcter name biases!) heads to work, but first this asshole kid talks to him.

“My Dad’s stereo is a bose’

“Your father’s Stereo blows? That’s too bad”

Heh. Hey, at least Sandler is being a dick to that right person!

As he goes to work, see is …well Adam Sandler but he’s…a tad more likable, I suppose. He goes to a Business Meeting with his Boss, played by-

“I’m David Hasselhoff!”

…Yeah. Weird casting choice, I must say. The meeting is with some…Arab guys. And the lead one is…played by Rob Schneider. Ugh. He’s not QUITE as racist as he could have been….bt still kind of racist.

After the meeting, Micheal and David talk after Business stuff, and we cut to later at Micheal’s Son’s swim meet.

‘That’s my boy!”

…Please don’t remind me of that.

Micheal was late to this due to work stuff. You know where this going, don’t you? Yeah, this movie is a bit cliché with the Work-aholic stuff, but we at least we see him TRY to hang with the kids to an extent. And from what I remember of the rest of the movie…the pay off is worth it. We even see him bond his daughter a tad.

Anyway, the family is at this 4th of July thing, and see that Micheal’s Dad is The Fonz and his Mom is Marge Simpsons. …Well, they are played the actors that play them, anyway. Didn’t I just get off Simpsons?

Later at home, he tells Donna, the wife, that they must postpone their upcoming camping trip due to work stuff. He’s aware of what he’s doing, and it seems like the writers are being really careful not to make him a dick.

One complaint I’ve heard about this cliché is that, usually,the Dad is bashed just for working, and wanting to put food on the table. But to be honest, in most films that use it, the Dad could have set aside more family time or be less of a dick, but they don’t. So at least this movie is trying to avoid some of the trappings of the story.

The final straw comes when he mistakes a remote for a toy Helicopter for a TV Remote (How do you even do that?) so he heads out to get a Universal Remote. Everything is closed …except for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. What, you never get your remotes from Bed, Bath, and Beyond?

He heads inside….and bumps into Nick Swardsen. This was his first Sandler role. The Beginning of the end. They exchange banter and Micheal finally finds the beyond section. But instead of a weird void with Coffee Mugs, he finds a room with a bunch of weird stuff.

And in there, he meets Christoper Walken. …Now this is the best movie ever made. His name is Morty, but let’s call him Walken. Micheal doesn’t question any of this, and just asks for a Universal Remote.

“I don’t know the O Doyle’s, but they can bite it hard.

Yeah, see why I just call him Walken?

He takes him into the Way Beyond section, which is bigger on the inside. The TARDIS room has the remote they need. Walken is gonna just give it him cuz it’s not in the bar code system yet. The real reason probably makes more sense.

Micheal goes home with his new remote, and it only takes a few minutes to figure out the remote controls more than just the TV. He doesn’t figure it out but we see, as he pauses Donna for a second.

He does figure it out when he turns down the volume on his dog. He also uses it to Fast Forward the dog while it takes a shit. Lovely.

“Holy Mother fu-”

Quick, cut before we abuse our 1 F word in this PG-13 Movie!

He plays with it more the next day, like the use the Picture in Picture setting to watch Basebell with Donna’s friend (played by Jennifer Collidge) bitches about stuff. After that, Micheal heads out and he runs over that jerk kid’s robot dog. Eh, that was…kind of dick-ish. But it’s his fault for putting in the middle of the driveway, like a dumbass.

He visits Walken to talk to him about the remote.

“Just hit menu”

“On the remote?”

“No, the menu at the red lobster. Yes, on the remote”

I love you.

He does so and boom, they are on the Menu for his life. I love the “View Trailer” option. A trailer for Adam Sandler’s life? Yikes.

Micheal clicks on “Commentary”, and we see this is just his life with narration by James Earl Jomes.

“James Earl does a lot of voice over work”

Nice.

Also, can someone tell me if the Menu for this film’s DVD looks like this? That would be amazing.

Next, he goes to Bonus Features. The Feature he picks of Making of. Let’s just say that…uh it takes them to the making of his life. ….When he parents had sex to make him.

Yeah, I did not need ti hear Fonzie screwing Marge. He presses fast forward and..’

“We’re in my mother’s Vagina!”

Okay.

When they get out of there, so to speak, Sandler uses the remote to pick in on events from his Childhood. Is this filler? Yeah, but it’s enjoyable filler that takes advantage of this concept, so there.

They wrap this up so they can both get to work. Micheal heads to work as Hasselhoff is leaving for the week, leaving Micheal in charge. That bit is short though so Micheal can go home and do some Comedy with the remote.

He pauses his son and Kevin, the jerk kid so and makes it so Kevin is hit in the balls. They were playing catch, I should have mentioned that.

Anyway, his kids and his friends are having a sleepover that night, and he’s not having that. So he uses the remote to skip it and all so he can work on his project thingy. He also skips an argument with Donna. Man, I’m into “summarize the movie”, aren’t I? Sorry.

Thankfully, they kiss and make up. By kiss, I mean fuck. But because she wants him to coax her into it, he skips that part but ends up skipping the whole thing. See, that’s what you get for being a dick. You don’t get sex with Kate Beckinsale.

After that, Morty comes to visit. He explains to Micheal that while you skip stuff in your life, you go on Auto-pilot. That’s gonna be a problem later. Also, Walken questions why Donna feel for a guy like Sandler. He’s the best part of the movie.

Morty leaves, and Sandler asks the remote to fast forward to when he isn’t sick. He also skips part of his morning, so he won’t have to feel cold water in the shower. He then fast forwards through Traffic, and we also get that famous shot of the hot chick being slowed down. Yeah, you all know what I’m talking about.

He arrives at work and-

“It’s sexual harassment speech day!”

And people say the sad stuff later is Mood Whiplash. This isn’t made better when Micheal takes this to time to use the remote to make Hasselhoff look weird. It’s just…..time and place, man!

After…that they have a meeting with Japanese guys, and Micheal uses the remote to understand them when they have a huddle. The result is like a bad dubbing from a Kung Fu Movie. It is amazing.

It turns out they aren’t happy with the stuff that is going on, so Micheal tells them what they would rather have, and they are happy. I would say specifics, but do you really care? It’s all filler for the “Work” scenes.

So yeah, Micheal is happy cuz he made Partner (I never got what that means) so he buys new bikes for his kids, and everyone is happy. At least until the next day where it turns out he did not make partner, he just got a promotion.

“I already told my wife”

It might have been best to make that clear before letting him do stupid shit, eh? So Micheal pauses life so he can slap Hasselhoff. Then he farts in his face. Lovely.

He also…shits in his mouth. Um….let’s move on.
Micheal goes back to Morty, and asks if it would be a smart idea to skip to when he makes partner in a couple months. Morty randomly jumps into a speech about the Lucky Charms Leprechaun. Because it’s Walken, we need a random scene that is amazing.

He gets home and acts like an ass to his kids…because reasons.

“Life isn’t about being creative, it’s about kissing ass. Making your boss a lot of money”

Yep, It’s Sandler all right.

I get that he’s mad thanks to David, but the writers could have toned his dick-ish-ness down a tad. He goes outside to smoke a Cigar and Kevin comes out to be a dick again. Kevin’s Mom shows up and this happens.

“Micheal Newman, I didn’t know you smoked cigars”

“This isn’t mind, I took it out of Kevin’s hands. Yeah, he was smoking like a Chimney”

“No, I wasn’t”

“I think I smell marijuana in it”

‘Kevin O Doyle, you get your ass in this house right now!”

…Yeah, even as a 12 year old, I thought this was cruel as hell. I don’t think we never see him again, by the way.

Micheal goes back inside as Donna tells the kids they must return the bikes. He decides he can’t take this, and fast forwards to his big promotion. And this is where things will get…interesting.

So now we jump ahead, and he’s partner now. How far have we gone? A Year. Yeah. Changes include…his assitant moving and making a sex change. ….Yeah.

Also, their kids want to watch CSI instead of Dragon Tales. It only took a year to grow out of kids shows? Wow. Also, the dog that humped the duck is dead. Possibly from Stuffed Aids. Thankfully, they have a new dog to hump the stuffed duck.

The biggest change is that they are having..martial issues since, you know, he’s on Auto-Pilot. Micheal realizes this and promises he’ll be a better man. Well, the writer are finally trying to make Sandler likable despite some off moments. Good on them.

But suddenly, the remote starts jumping forward on it’s own, and he skips sex again. Walken shows up again and explains that the remote is using his memory to skip stuff he wants to skip. Yeha, he skips sex once and he skips it forever.

“You fast forwarded through an entire year. That’s a lot of sex”

Based on their problems, I doubt there was Sex to miss. Micheal tries to get rid of it, but it just pops up on it’s own when he does so.

“This item is non-returnable”

Wah wah.

He goes to work in a bathrobe to avoid skipping the shower cuz…it may skip more? Yeah, good logic there. David is cool with it though. However, during their conversation, David says that Sandler may be CEO on day.

“I wish for that to happen but-”

The remote beeps and…fast forward. Wah wah. Yeah, I’m summarizing again but I’m having fun doing that for once. Now THIS is where it gets interesting. Why? He skips TEN YEARS this time. Yeah.

So I suppose we’re in 2017 now. The film came out in 2006, and we went a year, and now it’s ten years. So…insert clever joke here. There’s one BIG change, right off the bat.

“Oh my god, I’m a fat guy”

Remember what I said earlier? About a certain scene that scared me? Yeah ,this is it. Imagine see Sandler’s big fat body right in front of your face on a huge screen, cuz you’re in the front row.

Yeah, I was stupid. Also, my 2017 theory is confirmed during a Radio News Report, where we get some topical jokes.

“Britney Spears had he 23rd baby today. Also, Micheal Jackson, the first man to kill himself, is now using himself, for molesting himself”

Let’s move on.

Micheal heads home and we find out his Son has grown up to be Jonah hill. Cool. The Daughter has grown up to …well I can’t hot, cuz she’s 14 and I already look creepy enough, thank you. The biggest change is that Micheal are Donna are divorced, and she’s dating Sean Astin now. That is also cool.

This doesn’t please Micheal and Morty pops up. He just says Micheal brought this on yourself, as the Auto Pilot made Micheal pick work over home every time. Micheal tries to fix this but he falls and hits himself on the head. Suddenly, the remote beeps and we fast forward again.

As it turns out, it skipped 6 more years, as Micheal has not been Healthy for a single day since that bump on the head. Okay, I swear, this is where it gets REALLY interesting.

Also, he had 3 Liposuctions and he has a weird tummy. Donna has married Bill, for real this time. We see that in 2013, things all high tech, and the son is no longer fat. Micheal talks to him in his office and sees a picture of a hot chick.

“Blonde, big lips , chesty..is that your girl?”

“No ,that’s you’re daughter”

Ew.

So yeah, Micheal’s life sucks, and his daughter grew up to be that friend who died in Taken. How could things get worse?

“Grandpa died, Dad”

…Oh.

Micheal breaks down in tears in a damn emotional moment. He visits his Dad’s grave and he tries to use the remote to see the moment where Dad died…but he wasn’t there. Also, Walken shows up.

Instead, we see the last time Micheal saw him. It was a normal day and The Fonz here came in to invite Micheal over for a get together. But because of the Auto-Pilot, Micheal declined. He tries to reel him by saying he’ll show Micheal that quarter trick that I havent’ mentioned until now.

But Past Micheal reveals that he has always known.

“I’m so sorry I barged in. I love you, son”

….Yeah, that’s pretty emotional. I mean, damn! Sure, Dad hadn’t done too much until now but this is still sad to see. We really see how Micheal’s decisions have effected him, in a bad way. The entire movie was building up this moment. This scene made the movie for some people and that includes me. Wow, Sandler can do drama in a Comedy, too!

Micheal agrees with me, and breaks down.

“I love you too, Dad”

Damn.

Back at the grave, this happens.

MORTY: Taking him wasn’t something I wanted to do.

…hmm?

“I’m an angel, Micheal”

‘I thought an angel was supposed to protect people”

“I’m the angel of death. Your Dad…was his time”

“You bastard”

1. WHAT A TWEEST.

2. The last line would be better If the previous line was “You killed Fonzie!”.

He gets pissed, and asks the remote to take him to a good place. So he goes to Ben’s Wedding in 2034. Of course, Donna and Bill are still together and it’s still depressing. Micheal and Donna have a nice dance, but then he hears Samantha say this to Bill.

“Race you there, Dad”

Micheal has a heart attack from this, and the screen goes black. He wakes up in the hosptial, as Walken tells him he brought this on himself, as this is the life he chose. Dang.

Sam has been at his side for 36 hours while he was asleep, cuz, as she says, he is her father. D’aww. She leaves and Micheal has finally had it with all the shit he has gone through. He gets up but he is told he is far from ready. Walken tells him to stop but he keeps going, Yeah ,that machine is kind of keeping him alive. You can fill in the blanks from there.

He heads out into Dramatic Rain to catch up to Ben and Sam. Since it’s raining, things are a tad overblown as Micheal falls over. We then get the big scene that is THE tear jerker for the movie. Micheal is laying there in the rain as his family rushes to him.

“Family…comes first”

Yeah…

“Bill…Bill…Bill..”

This isn’t time to hum the Bill nye thing, dude. But it is the time to flip Bill off for the crime of doing nothing wrong.

Earlier, Micheal wrote a note for Donna, which he gives to her now. It’s a huge tear jerker moment that works very well with the story. You know, the film has flaws, which I’ll get into, but scenes like this, make up for them.

WALKEN: It’s time to go.

ISABELLA: Are you sweating through your eyes?

BUFORD: No, I’m just crying.

Yeah, this scene is awesome. It must be seen, as I can’t really sum it up well here.

Micheal dies….and he wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond. The first thing he sees is Nick Swardsen. Oh crap, he’s in hell!

Before you say anything, it was not all a dream. Morty was just giving him another chance, but for now, he thinks it was all a dream. He visits his parents and assures them he loves them.

He heads home and has more happy moments. He pretty much assures his family he will focus on them more often and all that good stuff. Also, he brought over a girl to dog to fuck his dog.

Yeah. And his new doggy goes for the duck. Is that stuffed duck a freaking sex god? You’re giving JD a run for his money!

…I’ve been wanting to bring that back.

Anyway, everything’s happy. But Micheal sees the remote, with a note from Morty.

“Like I said, good guys need a break, I know you’re do the right thing this time”

Micheal throws it away, having learned his lesson. It doesn’t pop up on his dead this time, so he knows he’s free.

“Who wants to have a pillow fight?!”

Roll credits. Hey, an ending that wraps up everything and the credits come when I expect them too. That’s rare.

Yes, the credits are in the style of the life Menu. Also, Rob is not credited. Gee, I wonder why.

Also, there’s a message near the end of the credits.

‘This movie is dedicated to my Mom and Dad, and to all our parents who never thought twice about putting their family first. And to my darling wife and daughter, thanks for making it easy for me to want to do the same”

….That’s cool.

Final Thoughts:

Yeah, it holds up decently. It may the best pure Sandler Comedy I’ve reviewed so far. But to be honest, The Wedding Singer, which I will review someday, is better. I’ll get into why some other time.

But this film, so what it is, is fairly good. Let’s go into the flaws first. Yes, some of the comedy is a bit dumb, and some parts are so pointless. Shitting in the bosses face, the Kevin torture, it was all pointless.

I think that they need to make the Work vs Family thing better, since it does fall into the Workaholic cliché trappings a few times. It could have transitioned into the drama a tad better and g there are other nitpicky things, like Kate being there to be the hot Sandler wife, and that’s it.

But the good parts are so good, I can forgive all that. The drama itself isn’t too forced, as it feels like the way this story would go. A Thousand Words, which came from the same pen, tried this but it didn’t work because it did not feel earned. This movie earned it.

While the characters were not the best, Micheal still ended up begin likable due to having good development. The writer actually tried to make him care about his family more, and it;s just a small slip that made things go wrong. Sandler does a good job here, having some decent Comedy moments and he’s still good at Drama. I really have to see Reign Over Me and Funny People someday.

The story is a tad cliché but it hits all the right notes. The other characters fulfill their roles nicely and the actors do a good job. But as usual, Walken is the scene stealer. He has funny lines, and he’s just a great presence.

Speaking of funny, the comedy is okay. Not the best, and there are some dumb moments, but most of it is subdued and funny. The drama is a tad heavy in contrast, but I’ve seen worse in that regard.

Speaking of which, the drama is good. You really start to care about what is going on, and they make some of these cliches work. I’ve been seen better Drama in a Comedy, but it’s done well here. The script as a whole is solid enough, despite it’s flaws.

They take full advantage of the remote so even the filler is fun. The film is more fun than funny but that’s not a bad thing. It’s still an enjoyable film but the Drama just happens to be better. Sandler has made better, but this movie still stands as the most shockingly good in his ever growing Filmography.

It touches on interesting subject matter, it has decent acting, okay comedy ,and good drama. For a Sandler movie, that’s pretty good. Not much else to say except check it out if you have not already.

Grade: B+

Maybe it’s not quite a B+ but it’s still good. Next time, we finish off the over-long ranger.

See ya.

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The Lone Ranger (Part 1)

Jack Sparrow as an Indian. What could possibly go wrong?

Jack Sparrow as an Indian. What could possibly go wrong?

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s time for another 2 part review. This time, we have a very interesting film that i’ve meaning to talk about for awhile.

Changes are, you know the full story behind The Lone Ranger, and this movie, so I’ll keep the intro short. I’ll even skip the source materiel’s backstory, cuz I don’t care, to be honest.

The point is, this was an honest attempt to make a big budget Lone Ranger movie that got a bit over it’s head. It had a huge budget, and it bombed at the box office. So of course, one movie bombing made everyone declare the death of Cinema.

Jokes aside, I’ve been interested in this movie since I heard about it. With negative reviews (27 on Rotten Tomatoes), bashing the length and unfortunate implications, it seemed like an interesting failure. It has the star, director, and writers of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, and let’s be honest, it seemed like an attempt to recapture the success of those films.

It didn’t work.

I’m usually more negative going into films like this, but recently, I’ve kind of stopped doing stuff like that. No, instead I’ll go into this with an open mind, even though I know I may dislike it. There’s more I could say, but let’s be honest, I’ll have plenty of time to discuss everything in the actual review.

Yep, this movie is Over 2 hours, so we’re in for another 2 parter. Like the last 2 times, I’ll do another review in-between the parts. Should be fun.

So let’s see if the film is any good, or at least explains why the LONE Ranger has partner.

This, is The Lone Ranger

The movie opens in 1933, with a kid at some Wild West Museum thing. He bumps to a weird old Indian guy, who is the “I NEED AN ADULT” kind of old guy. The kid has a cowboy costume, and this happens.

“Never take off mask”

“Why not?”

With that, we flashback to the Old West, as our titular hero, played by Armie Hammer, is hanging out with Toto, played by Johnny Deep. Yeah, you likely have heard all the arguments against his casting, and all the arguments FOR it. …Well, I’ll have to see how he does since it could be good.

We see them storming into a town and robbing a bank. I hope it’s a bad guy bank cuz otherwise…yikes. The kid agrees with me, as back in 1933, he questions this.

“Lone ranger and Tonto were good guys”

I don’t see the need for this wrap around.

Tonto doesn’t respond and boom, we’re taken back further to 1869. We could have just started here. The In Media Res thing does not work when you have a wrap around like this.

We see some dude telling a bunch of people that they will bring law and order to the Wild West. Which is why they will bring in known criminal Butch Cavendish. After some filler, we cut to as guy on a train, tossing a little girl her doll. But it flies out the window, because as it turns out, tossing an object like that in front of an open window was a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

It turns out out Butch himself is being held on the train, which is kind of dangerous since you know, putting a criminal on a train that also holds normal people is a bad idea.

After more filler, Butch’s gang pops up, while Butch himself gets pissed at Tonto. Oh yeah, he’s on the train because reasons. Tonto takes his gun and the guy from a minute ago pops up. Well, it’s a minute your time, for me it’s like 10 minutes. We’re 17 minutes in.

Butch gets the upper hand and captures them while he does evil stuff. Since we’re on a train, it has to go out of control thanks to the bad guys. Tonto breaks them free, because he is perfect, and they rush to the top of the train.

DOOF: You know we were gonna be on here eventually.

We get some drawn out, but good action, and long (and I do mean LONG) story short, the train crashes, and our still unnamed Lawyer hero guy says he has to take Tonto in for….reasons. Tonto however, is more in the mood for forced comedy.

Some guys show up.

“What’s your crime?”

“Indian”

And so our man arrests the guy who helped me out. Our hero, ladies and Gentlemen. I’m assuming he’s the Lone Ranger but I don’t have a proper name yet. Seriously, all the filler and you couldn’t slip that in?

“John”

See, is that hard?

That was by some girl who is his wife….I think. Or maybe she’s not, I don’t know. A kid comes in, and she says John is his Uncle. So I guess that answers my question, I think. John talks to some dudes outside, and Tonto isn’t getting a trial. What did he do? I don’t know. Again, with 140 minutes of film, you think we would know on the 29 minute mark.

After some talking, John is deputized Texas Ranger. Insert obvious joke here. John heads off on his horse with some guys, including his brother, and they end up in a gun fight with bad guys. Then the brother gets shot and dies. Oh yeah, it’s like in Antz where they expected to feel something for the character you barley knew. Joy.

Oh wait, the shot didn’t kill him. But Butch pops up, and kills him. K, he’s dead. Back in 1933 , the kid thinks Dan, the brother is the Lone Ranger, and questions why he’s dead if he’s supposed to be the ranger. If he was, the movie would be over now. And I welcome this movie being shorter.

The kid asks how Tonto escaped from Jail. He doesn’t answer. Wow, that’s….lazy writing as it’s finest, guys. You point out your own plot hole, and just move on. Wow.

Back in the past, Tonto shows up and does some wacky stuff. A white horse pops up and Tonto tells it that John is a great warrior. So this is his steed? You know, with the 140 minute length, you think they would find a better way to explain some of his trademarks. We’re 45 minutes in, by the way. …I skipped some filler.

Also, we see the horse take a shit. Lovely.

John wakes up and Tonto tells him the horse told him John is a Spirit Walker. Yeah, whatever you say. Also, I should say that Depp isn’t too bad so far. He’s putting a bit more of an effort to be memorable than our actual lead so far. But he is pretty much an Indian Jack Sparrow.

Tonto explains that a vision told him he would find a great Warrior to help him ,and John is it. He, of course, isn’t up for it. They fight for some dumb reason and John plans to go back to town to get some men, but Tonto warns him that there are some bad guys out there. The bad guys think John is dead, so that is why it’s a bad idea.

So Tonto hand him a mask. He dons the mask and his hat so they can ride out and find the bad guys that killed Dan. A nice, simple premise….for a 90 minute movie at best. That’s the biggest problem so far. John has finally his mask and we are 53 MINUTES IN. The script itself is fairly basic and not complex, which would be fine if it wasn’t 2 hours! Why is it that long?! But I’ll get into that in the wrap up, I assume.

Anyway, they go to a Brothel to meet someone hwo can help them find Bush. That person is a woman named Red, played by Helena Bonham Carter. …Sure Tim Burton didn’t direct this?

They talk and she tells him that Dan and some other guy fought over a cursed silver rock. However, their little visit must end as the other folks there don’t want an Indian there. She explains that the Commanches violated the treaty by raiding settlements and stuff. They try to leave but some guys start chasing Tonto. So some angry dumb asses are what causes this epic chase. I’m so hooked.

They end up in one of those settlements being raided, and oops, everyone is dead. …That’s dark. Not nearly as bad as people are saying…but yikes. Wasn’t Tonto feeding a dead bird early? Mood whiplash, much?

Tonto tells him this wasn’t the act of Indians and they discover a white bad guy dressed as an Indian guy in a shed doing something. This would be racist if this wasn’t a bad guy. Yep, the Indians that have been raiding are actually Butch and his gang. The fact that people bought their disguises shows how dumb these people are.

They kill two bad guys and we find out that John’s Girlfriend (I think, it seems like it since they are saving her), has been kidnapped by Butch. One of the goons shows up and tells Butch what happened.

“It was a ranger. Lone Ranger”

PETER: Ah, he said it!

Another goon is about to shoot the girl, and her kid I think, but he doesn’t and tells them to run. Back with our heroes, they up lost in the desert, and the two start arguing.

“The woman Rebbecca, you will fill her with chlld no?”

…We went from mass murder to a bit about knocking someone up. K.

“That’s my brothers wife!”

Oh, that’s who she is.

Tonto suggests they hook up since her Husband is kind of…well Dead. So he’s suggesting he hit on a grieving wife. Our sidekick to our hero, ladies and Gentlemen!

‘You don’t understand”

“Cuz I’m a savage”

No, cuz that’s a terrible idea. Anyway, Tonto finds some train tacks. And it’s back to the 1933 kid.

“Train tracks? I thought you were in Indian Territory”

Will movie characters stop stealing my job!?

Back in the flashback, we cut an event Tonto could not have actually seen. Said event is this guy saying the treaties are now null and void. They will keep building this railroad and we cut to our heroes as they are captured by some Indians, who are going to war with “The white man”. Ah, that was Butch’s plan. …Needlessly complicated but I guess we need to fill the 140 minutes somehow.

And back to 1933.

“But the commanche didn’t attack the settlements”

“White man do not know this”

Yeah kid, weren’t you paying attention? Or did the length get to you too? Back in the story (seriously this wrap around is pointless), John tells them that he knows they didn’t do it but they don’t understand English because plot convenience. This is John can make dumb gestures and give us something potentially offensive.

…And that’s where we end part 1. Yep, an odd place to end, but we are now 80 minutes into our 140 minute movie. Not much has happened compared to other multi part reviews. And this is the movie did need to be 2 and half goddamn hours!

Anyway, next time, I do another review, and then we finish this overlong movie. Not impressed so far. …

WILL THE WHITE GUYS AN INDIANS KILL EACH OTHER? WILL THE HEROES STOP BUTCH? WILL THEY JUSTIFY THE 2 HOURS?

FIND OUT

SAME LONE RANGER TIME

SAME LONE RANGER CHANNEL’

See ya.

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The Simpsons Movie

I will not have every review be a day late.  (RT if you get the joke)

I will not have every review be a day late.
(RT if you get the joke)

Hello, Spongey here.

As of this writing, FXX is having a marathon of EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER. We’re already at the part where it outstayed it’s welcome, but ah well. And for that , I thought it was a perfect time to take on the movie.

The Simspons needs no introduction. If you need me to explain it, you’ve been living under a rock. And I doubt Patrick Star can even read.

The Simpsons has been going for like 24 Seasons now, and most people are sick of it. It was a hilarious show with great character, clever humor, and hear. But now it’s just…eh. Honestly, I can watch a few episodes without wanting to hurt myself, which makes it better than Modern Family Guy at least.

I see they are putting effort into it, but it’s still outstayed it’s welcome. However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate how good it used to be. As far as The Simpsons goes,I’m no super fan but I’ve seen most of the classic episodes, and some not so classic episodes.

As a fan, there was no way I was gonna miss out on a movie, which came out a were 18 Seasons after the show started. Geez, it took them awhile, to say the least. When it came out, people were saying the show was going downhille and stuff.

So this movie was a breathe of a fresh air. And not just because it was the first 2D animated movie in awhile. It has all the hallmarks of classic Simpsons and it was the best thing they did in years. People thought it would mean the show would go back to being awesome.

It didn’t. Ah well.

Either way, the movie is pretty good. And today, we’ll see just how good it is. It was directed by Simpsons director David Silverman and it had ELEVEN writers! Christ, no wonder it took so long to make!

Most of them are writers from the show so I won’t go through them here. I’ll just start the movie as there isn’t more to say. Insert clever reference here!

This, is The Simpsons Movie

The movie opens with the Fox logo….with Ralph singing the tune. Well, we’e off to a good start already. The movie actually opens with an Itchy and Scartchy cartoon, with them in space.

It’s cool to see Itichy and Scarthy with film level animation. It’s very cool to see. Itchy beats up Scratchy while in space and he is hailed as a hero, He even becomes president, but he finds out Scartchy is alive on the moon. So he launches milises, like nay good present.

And this turns out to be a movie the Simpsons are watching. Homer is not happy.

‘I can’t believe we’re paying to see something we get on TV for free. If you ask me everyone in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially…you!”

Well, at least they’re self aware.

Then we get the class intro, but with the film’s animation, and different scenes. In case you’re wondering, the chalkboard gag is “I will not illegally download this movie” We then move to as Green Day concert with them performing the theme.

They finish the theme, and start to talk about the Environment. ….Springfield is not happy. Infact they pelt the band with stuff, right as the pollution in the lake dissolves their barge.

Yeah, the Environment thing is gonna be important later. I’ll get to it when we get to it.

Green Day ends up dying. Well, that’s one death I didn’t see coming. We cut to Church as we’re just gonna forgot we opended with a band dying. Suddenly, a light shines on Grandpa and he goes crazy.

“Horrible things are going to happen”

But he’s Grandpa so no one really cares. They take him and drive home. Even Grandpa doesn’t care about his freakout. And to be fair, there was no need to foreshadow the events that go on later.

Back at home, Homer does some chores and we he and Bart end up having a dare contest. We get to see them bonding despite the usual antics. I will say that the plot is a little…erratic at times, at least in the first half of the movie.

There are a lot of great gags, as you would expect, but it won’t buckle down until the plot kicks in. While that’s going on, Lisa tries to spread aware-ness and she meets a boy named Colin. She likes him so of course he won’t appear after this movie.

Honestly, this plot works better than it sounds but it isn’t exactly the highlight of the film. Also, as bart and Homer are doing something, text appears at the bottom, saying some show is premiering on fox.

‘That’s right we’re adverting in movies now”

Haw.

Homer dares Bart to skateboard naked. He does so and we get that scene. You know the one. Where they do the whole austn powers thing, cleverly covering up his dick ….Until they show it for a second.

That’s not a joke. The film shows up little boy penis. FXX’s airing censoers it, thnk god, but still….why?

Either way, it’s a funny scene. It ends with Bart landing on The Krusty Burger as Ned and his kids are eating. Here’s an out of context line.

“Bountiful penis, amen!”

The cops catch him and tie him to a pole while they eat inside. Yeah, the cops in this show suck, but it’s Comedy so it’s fine.

Bart stays there all day until Homer finally shows up…and lies and says it was all Bart’s idea. Yeah, Homer kind of sucks but he gets better. Infact, Homer’s lack of intelligence plays a big role in this.

“This is the worst day of my life”

“Worst day of your life so far’

They eat inside the restaurant, and Homer is distract by a pig they are usual for an Ad. The pig takes a liking to Homer, so he decides to keep him. You all know where this leads to, but we’ll get to it.

The pig is there to help start the actual plot. But unlike some episodes, this is done well, with great jokes. Homer takes the pig home and of course Marge isn’t happy. She lets him him it anyway because the plot says so.

Bart on the other hand, is feeling a little neglected. He sees how well Ned treats his kids and Ned pops up to talk to him. He offers to take him fishing, and after that fishing flashback you see in the trailers, we cut to the next day, where we get…that bit.

You know the one. It’s the Afro Circus of this movie. …Here you go:

“Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does. Can he sling from a web? No he can;t, he’s a pig…”

Yeah. It’s hilarious. Over exposed….but still. Seriously, if you thought they used Afro circus too much, you should been around when this movie was coming out.

Once you get over the hilarity of that, we cut to Bart and Ned fishing, as Bart discovers the joys of having a parent who doesn’t hit you. But that’s not interesting, so it’s back to Lisa’s environmental stuff. She sees more crap being dumped in the lake, but the crowd she talks to doesn’t listen.

Mayor Quimby eventually listens though, and makes everyone pitch in to clean up the town. Well, that was easy. The end!

Back with Homer, he tells Marge that he’s putting Spider-Pig’s ,,,,dumpings in a silo. She tells to dispose of it poerply.

“You can take Spider-Pig with you”

“He’s not Spider-Pig anymore, he’s Harry Plopper”

That was in the trailers too.

He drives to a waste treatment center, but Lenny calls and tells Homer that the donut store is giving out free donuts. So to get there faster, he dumps it in the lake while no one’s looking. Yeah, we all know where this is going, and I could get made, but in this case, I can buy that he would do this since he’s not aware of the consequences, and he wlll learn his lesson.

Granted, they’ve used the “Homer fucks up and has to make up for it” thing 100000 times, even more than they’ve done “Homer and Marge are having marriage troubles” episodes. But….this is different!

It’s a movie.

Homer leaves and we pan to the lake to see a many eyed Squirrel come out of it. Dun dun dun dun!

Bart and Ned are hiking, and Ned says this.

“The states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine and Kentucky”

Spoilers, no states borders them. Stupid Sexy Flanders!

He discovers the Squirrel, and some Environment dudes show up to take it away. That was the EPA, headed by Russ Cargil, voiced by Albert Brooks. He takes it to the president, who is Ahnold….for some reason.

This kind of confuses people, because he has a similar design to the show’s own Reiner (hope I got that name right) Wolfcastle, who is an Expy of Ahnold.

Well…..uh…i….yeah, I don’t get it either.

He shows him the mutant Squirrel, and now he thinks this is serious. He gives them a step of options, and he picks number 3.

“Aren’t you gonna read them first?”

“I was elected to lead, not to read. Number 3”

Insert joke about that president you don’t like here.

Turns out Option 3 is putting a huge dome over the town. Insert Under the dome joke here. It’s interesting that the plot actually starts right away despite some filler. Yet, it all feeds into a bigger picture. Bart’s nude ride didn’t just exist to give Homer a pig to spew out waste to start the plot. It was also there to get him to like Ned and feed into the development Homer will get later.

So yeah, good writing and stuff.

It turns out this is the thing Grandpa was warning about. Yeah, it was still pointless. Cargill tells them what is going on. He also tells them that they took the town off the map so know will figure out what is going on. Yes, he’s the villain.

A bit later, everyone is adjusting to life under the dome (Booo!). Homer and Marge are watching when the news, and they found the pig crap Silo. Wah wah.

Marge is not happy, and neither is everyone else, because a huge mob forms outside their house. A mob of like 90 characters, major and minor. It’s pretty awesome actually. They actually managed to fit in a ton of Simpsons character, either through the mob, or tiny gags that I skip.

And yet it’s still all about the Simspons, and each member gets significant screen time, even Maggie. Very nice.

The mob breaks in but Ned tries to help save them. It doesn’t work. They get in their car and…the mob just starts carrying the car. Strong crowd.

They hide in Bart’s tree house but the mob tries to get them down. Maggie discovers a sinkhole in the sand box, and they use it to escape the dome. Yeah, I think the sinkhole was place by the plot contrivance god.

The sink hole gets bigger and trashes the place, and the crowd leaves. Cargil hears that the Simpsons have escaped, and says a bunch of stuff that leads to this line:

“You’ve gone mad with power”

“Of course I have. Have you tried going mad without power? It’s boring”

Haw.

The Simpsons crash at a hotel and they’re not exactly happy with Homer. Marge calls him out for what he did, and Homer doesn’t really know why he did what he did, but he’s sorry. And he has a back up plan!

His plan is to move the family to Alaska. Best plan ever.

Sadly, Marge doesn’t agree, but Homer has a heartfelt speech so she’s onboard now. I like that Homer does have a heart in this outside of being dumb. He regrets what he did and he’s gonna try to make things right. Good on him.

They still need to get a car of some kind, so they head a local carnival for a comic set piece. Home does this thing where you try to ride a bike in big ball thing. I would have skipped this if it wasn’t given a call back in the climax.

With advice from Lisa, he wins and wins a truck. (Great wrtting, Spongey). Back in Springfeild, being trapped in a dome is driving people crazy/

“Day 7 under the dome”

NOT HELPING.

Chief Wiggum, Apu, and Dr Hibbert go to Mr Burns to ask for some spare power. It’s pointless but it’s funny, so I’ll let it slide.

The Simpsons family makes it to Alaska, where they goof out and give us a bunch of jokes about Alaska. After some Homer/Marge antics, the Springfieldians finally go crazy from being trapped in the dome. They start to crack the dome, so Cargill decides to blow up Spring Field. No, Ahnold does know of this plan because Russ forces him to this option without seeing it.

Back in Alaska, the family watches a TV commercial where Tom Hanks announces there will be an new Grand Canyon right where SpringField is. A cheap way to get the Simspons to find out about the plan but it works.

They want to go stop the bad guy but Homer doesn’t want to leave. Yep, Homer is being selfish and they call him out on it. Even Bart goes as far to say he wishes Ned was his father. Ouch.

Marge pleads with Homer…but he still doesn’t want to go. I suppose you could say he is too much of a dick, but since it’s part of his development stuff, I’ll let it slide.

So the other head home, leaving Homer alone. All that is lift is a video message from Marge.

“I always stand up for you. People pont out your flaws. I always say sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art. Lately, what’s keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because….that’s the thing. I don’t know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I’m leaving iwht the kids, and we’re never coming back. And to prove myself, that this is the end….i taped this over out wedding tape. Goodbye homie”

It cuts back to them hanging on their Wedding night. …Christ, now that is emotional as all hell. They managed to do the whole Homer/Marge is in trouble right for the first time in forever! Homer faces the consequences of his actions, and this entire scene is just heart breaking. I love it.

…Then a card comes up saying “To be Continued….Immediately” . Nice.

Homer leaves, gets lost, and is found by by a weird Eskimo lady. She makes him drink a weird fire liquid, and tells him she is doing magic stuff to make him have an Epiphany. Eventually, he does and we get a trippy scene set up to a weird background chant version of the Spider-Pig scene.

In this weird acid trip, a tree tears Home apart, until he admits he doesn’t care about himself anymore. That’s a weird sentence. He realizes that other people are just as important as him.

“In order to save myself, I have to save Springfield”

Nor sure if we needed an acid trip to make him realize this but it’s cool nonetheless. Meanwhile, the Family tries to escape to Seattle but they are found by Cargill. Wah wah. Homer sets off on an epic journey across Alaska with Sled dogs, but he treats them badly and they kick his ass.

Not sure I mentioned that, but it was in the trailer so there. He makes it to Spring Field within a few hours (It’s night when we see him there, and it’s still night when he gets there) so….Spring Field is within driving/walking distance of Alaska!

….Nevermind, no one cares about that mystery anymore.

Homer quickly discovers that his family was captured. So he takes a wrecking ball and tries to tear open the truck or something. It doesn’t work and we get that scene in the trailer with the Rock and the Hard place.

Wow, the trailer spoiled a lot of jokes….despite hiding the plot until the last minute. Anyway, he fails and the family are taken back inside the dome. Russ tells them that they will be blown up. He throws a bomb into the dome that will go off in 15 minutes.

While Homer tries to get into the dome, some of the secondary character tries to get out while Cletus distracts Cargill. But Homer coming in prevents them from getting out.

“Homer do good?”

“No, you doomed us all”

“I can’t do anything right!”

Ouch, even when he actually does something good, he ruins everything, He kicks the bomb, making it go down to 4 minutes.

“Go out of here!”

Christ, think he’s had enough, writers

Bart visits Ned and asks to be in his family, for the 4 minutes they have left to live. D’awww. Homer finds a bike and decides to use it to get out. Told you it was important.

Homer goes to Bart, and asks for forgive-ness. Bart says no…until Homer offers to let him hold the bomb while they ride their way out.

“He knows me”

Yeah, I think they went too far with Bart hating Homer, since he only joins him when it benefits HIM. Ah well, it was still a cute story arc, with Ned and all that.

“I’m sorry I wished you weren’t my father”

…Nevermind, he is fully forgiven

“Somebody throw the Goddamn bomb!”

They do, and the bomb explodes outside of the dome, saving them all. It also breaks the dome for good. For some reason, only one shard hits someone. It…kills Dr Nick.

“Goodbye everybody”

He shows up again with no explanation in a later episode.

“Now that was a great father son activity”

Indeed, but there’s still Evil Marlin to deal with.

He’s about to shoot them when he is hit by a rock….thrown by Maggie. ….AWESOME. Anti-climatic but AWESOME!

Lisa reunites with Colin. Oh yeah, he was in this movie. Why was he in this movie? They hold hands (yeah, your town isn’t that important) and Homer is hailed as a hero. Also, the dog lived, despite going through the huge sinkhole earlier.

“I did things no dog should do. They will haunt me forever”

Marge shows up, and they ride off in the motorccle, kissing.

“Best kiss of my life’

“Best kiss of your life so far”

With tat, we cut to the people fixing up the town, with Bart and Homer fixing the roof, like in an earlier bit I skipped. As a side note, the intro to the episode after the movie is changed to show that Spring Field is still being fixed from the movie. It was a nice thing to see even if it didn’t carry over into the episodes. And yes, we do see Spider-Pig a couple times, including that episodes Couch gag.

Their roof fixing goes bad, and Homer screams comically. Roll credits. The chant version of the Spider-Pig song plays as the 2nd song in the credits. Also, near the end of the credits, we see The Simpsons in a theatre making comments.

“A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask if for you to memorize their names”

Please, their animation credits. They move really fast because nobody cares about them!

“Wait, it looks like Maggie has something to say”

“Her first word!”

“Sequel?”

Maybe whne Sephen King needs a new idea.

Okay, now I can talk about the abrup end-

Final Thoughts:

Yeah, it holds up. While I personally wouldn’t call it one of the best movies based on a show, it’s still pretty good. The story is a bit basic and secondary to everything is, but it works fine. The environmental angle isn’t preachy and it’s there to service the characters and stuff.

The animation is pretty good, being close to the show while still great enough for an actual movie. That’s how it’s done. The characters are a bit of a mixed bag.

While like how the story is constructed around the characters, I felt like Lisa’s stuff with Colin was pointless, and he himself was kind of dull. I also think Bart’s role needed tightning, as the stuff with Ned doesn’t have much of a conclusion, thought it is well done.

I love all the little parts the others get, and I they manage to include pretty much every character ever, in a way that isn’t obtrusive. If you know the show, you’ll like it, and if you don’t, they are amusing enough to make you laugh anyway.

I really enjoy the arc with Homer and Marge here. Homer’s stupidity is believable, and he is forced to face the consequences of his actions. Marge actually questions hwy she is with him, and everything is emotional and interesting. It manages to get me invested in their relationship, unlike the show these days.

As far as Cargill goes, he’s a bit cliché but he works because he’s funny, and Albert Brooks does a good job. All the voice actors do ,really. But on top of all that, it’s just funny. Even after all this time, I still laugh at the jokes and I don’t think any fall flat.

As far as adaptations go, it gives what he want in terms of humor and characters. The story may not be the best pick, but it works for what it is. I hope they stay true to the chalkboard gag from the next episode after this, and not wait 20 years to make another movie.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the movie by now, but if you haven’t, you might as well check it out now.

Grade: B+

Hmm, I haven’t done a gag where the poster for the next movie I’m doing shows up, in a awhile. Let’s do that.

What’s next?

the-lone-ranger-uk-poster

…This should be fun.

See ya.

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