Hello, Spongey here.
I think it’s safe that the Internet is a big thing. It has been for awhile now, and it’s become known for many things. Some of those things cannot be shown here. Pretty much everyone uses the internet these days, and a lot of people make money through the internet and stuff like that. And since the internet is a popular thing, it only makes sense that some people would just to make money off of it.
For the past couple years, plenty of business have tried to market Internet stuff, like referencing memes all over the place. Most of the time, it’s just a painful attempt to be relevant. In recent years, various internet stars have it big due to this trend. In the best case ceanrio, great talents get their time to shine and get better work. In the worst case scenario…Fred The Movie.
Today’s Christmas offering is another example of this trend. It baffled everyone when it was announced, and upon release, it only baffled further. But first, a little history. Grumpy Cat is a dumb internet meme that was amusing for a bit but eventually, we got tired of it. So, it was like every meme ever. I’m not sure how Grumpy Cat exploded, but she did. It’s a cute meme but that’s really it.
And of course, they made a movie about it. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Not only is just a dumb meme, but it’s been dead for awhile now. So this is another pitiful attempt to appeal ot the kids on top of being pointless. The main reason a Grumpy cat Movie won’t work? They already made one. It was called Garfield!
Yeah, Grumpy Cat was pretty much Garfield only not. So making a movie is really redundant, since we have 2 of those already. Everyone was baffled that this was gonna b a thing, but the most baffling part is the channel this was airing on: Lifetime.
Oh yeah, I finally get to review a Lifetime movie!
If you’re not familiar with the films made for the Lifetime Network, I’ll let Family Guy sum it up for you:
“Men are Terrible and Will Hurt You Because This is Lifetime.”
Yeah, that says it all. I’ve never seen a single one of these, but I know the reputation they have. …Btu none of this matters, because this is a family film. That’s like Disney Channel making a hard hitting crime drama.
Actually, that would be awesome.
So this movie is weird going on. The reception has been interesting as well. I won’t spoil anything yet, but people have said it’s terrible and yet it’s still enjoyable. Yep, it’s one of those kind of movies.
But you know the really weird thing? Here are some the live tweets sent out by the voice of Grumpy Cat, (we’ll get to her in a moment) when this thing first aired:
“WHY DID THEY LET ME DO THIS”
“CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE PLOT OF THIS TO ME?!?! I HAVE NO IDEA”
“WAIT. WHAT IS HAPPENING. IVE HAD 7 SHOTS OF MILK AND A TUNA BROWNIE. SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEE”
“DONT WORRY. THIS MOVIE WILL BE PLAYING ON REPEAT ALL NIGHT ON @lifetimetv THE BEST NIGHTMARE EVER WILL NEVER END”
“THIS MOVIE IS AWFULLLLLLLLL”
Yes, those are all real tweets. Yeah, I think she finally sobered and realized what movie she was in. Btu seriously, the fact that she said all this shows that someone on here knew what they were doing. But will they translate into the actual movie? We’ll find out.
By the way, the director of this movie previously did Garfield 2. Now it all makes sense. Actually, he’s been on here before with Hop, and he’s also done Alvin and the Chipmunks. And it won’t be his last time, as he has Max Keeble’s Big move on my list.
It’s hard to believe this guy worked on Good Spongebob. Seriously, he wrote Help Wanted for gods sake.
Anyway, let’s stop delaying and see exactly how terrible this thing is.
This, is Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever
The movie starts by telling us the definition of Grumpy. Insert obvious joke that involves the films quality here. The actual movie opens in a mall with some carolers singer. Then…
“That song makes my tail hurt. Deck the halls? Deck me in the face”
…Well, the tone has been set already.
“Welcome to Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. The movie! You don’t have to watch it, but I know you’re going to. If you do, you might be treated to high speed car chases, huge explosions, a hero in a leotard and cape that saves the world, and doesn’t look like a Hobbit. At all. I only mention those things to get you’re hopes up. That way i can enjoy your disappointment when you realize this is just a sappy movie melodrama, mostly about me, Grumpy Cat.”
What have I gotten myself into.
But seriously, right off the bat, this movie is…weird. It seems kind of…self aware. Yet also really dumb. It’s odd. The way she says all this just makes it weirder. Also, “You don’t have to watch it, but I know you’re going to.” sums up this movie perfectly. That should be the tagline for every movie ever.
This is probably a good time to mention that Grumpy Cat is voiced by Aubery Plaza. On one hand, this is perfect casting. On the other hand, there’s another actor I’ve lost respect for. But her tweets kind of got my respect back. So at least we know that she knows this movie sucks.
Our actual story begins at a pet store at the mall, where Grumpy Cat lives. She talks about how no one ever takes one of the pets, and they are all gonna die in here. She’s been picked up, but she’s also been returned. Twice. I hope they don’t try to ring drama out of htis, cuz after that opening, it’s impossible.
A dude comes into a mall, and tells the owner that he’s gonna be evicted if he doesn’t pay up soon. Well, that’s one cliche down.
“See this cat? I plan to make her the most famous internet meme of all time”
Please don’t try to me meta. He suggests that Grumpy Cat will lunch tons of merch.
“Including Tv Appearances, oh, i don’t know, maybe…A lifetime movie”
“I’k revising the previous scene, okay?”
….It then changes so that they plan to merchandise this big dog. You know your movie is bad when your lead has to erase a dumb scene. Also, what was the point of that bit?
“A million? With him? That sounds like a McGuffin to me. Whatever that means”
“Time to meet our awful movies heroine”
Stop doing my job for me.
“With 2nd billing behind me, Aubery Plaza as Grumpy Cat”
This is gonna be the whole review, isn’t it?
Our heroine is Crystal, a nice little girl with a heart of gold, and a tolerable voice. She has no father right now, (of course) and she joins her Mom at hr job as this dude she’s known for awhile asks her out. Yeah, no one cares.
“Isn’t she a little young to have a job?”
PHINEAS: Yes, yes I am.
We see more of her boring life, which actually makes me wish Grumpy Cat was on screen. This is gonna be a long movie. A bunch of nothing happens, and the movie attempts to make us feel sad for this poor misunderstood girl. You know, at least with Grumpy Cat, the film was self aware. This is just boring. Even the Cat’s narration can’t save these parts.
She gets a “Magic Coin” from some Mall Santa dude, and he tells her to wish with it.
“If your wish rhymes you get extra mojo”
“That’s really corny”
Okay, that was funny.
She wishes that she could make a friend. Then Grumpy Cat pops up.
“I was live tweeting my own movie”
Crystal walks into the pet store and talks to the owner about the stuff going on. He jumps into a lame sob story.
GRUMPY CAT: I’m in so much pain listening to your sob story. I wish you’d put me to sleep.
I’m starting to like this character.
“This is animal cruetly, do the humane thing. Give me the gas!”
I don’t think she’s acting here..
Crystal hears Grumpy Cat. Oh yay, this is gonna turn into a really really crappy version of Dr Dolittle/Wild Thornberries/Littlest Pet Shop/take your pick. Also, Grumpy Cat never actually opens her mouth. She has Garfield syndrome. So…how did Crystal hear her? Also, she can only hear Grumpy Cat and not the other animals because…reasons.
It doesn’t take long for her to figure out this is her wish being granted. Whoever grants these things is really cruel. Grumpy Cat pipes to tell us that they are communicating telepathically. Okay, that clears up one of my problems. Crystal leaves to do stuff, and she comes back that night to talk to to Grumpy Cat.
She never told you her name. How do you know her name? While this is going on, some robbers come in and approach a Secruity gaurd.
“Don’t try anything!”
“Yeah, Paul Blart”
Leave it to this movie to reference a movie no one saw/cared about.
They tie him up and we cut back to Crystal. The robbers go into the pet store to steal the million dollar dog. Grumpy Cat is rooting for the robbers who randomly came into the plot. When they leave, Crystal says they gotta save the dog. God, they really put a villain into this thing? Even Garfield wasn’t htis forced with it’s villain.
“Just to play Devil’s Advocat, what if we let them keep jojo?”
“WHY DID THEY LET ME DO THIS”
Grumpy pipes in to tell us that there are two ways for this to go down. There’s the fast way, where they tell the police about the robbers.
“But that would mean a much shorter movie plus much less advertising revenue so luckily, it went like this”
Wow, the movie knows that the characters fail to do the smart thing. Do i even need to be here?
Crystal tells Grumpy that if the store closes, Grumpy has no home. Eventually, this gets to her and she decides to help. In this less smart vrsion, they take too long and thus, they are there when the robbers come back to get the keys they left in the store.
“Off screen voices of bad guys!”
They make some noise and the robbers try to find them. We get a long chase scene, and some bits of our heroes trying to outsmart the criinals. Long story short, they escape and Grumpy Cat brings us back from commercial via a gimmick where she’s writing this like a book.
“Terrible movie she wrote, Chapter 4″
Haw. The landlord guy pops up.
“Red herring, or plot point?”
He came back to get something he left, and the robbers mistake him for the figure they have been chasing all night. Crystal finds the security guard and lets him free and yada yada. They figure out that the Landlord is not the guy and they just pretend like this never happend. Then Grumpy Cat pops up with a message.
“If you’re still watching this, I worry for you”
…I’ve seen worse, Grumpy Cat.
“Some are born great, some achieve great-ness, and some watch Christmas movies starring cats. I think you know who you are”
I’m all of those.
Crystal explains to the guard why she was there, and she jumps into a lame cliche sob story about how her Dad left her and all that crap. This movie can’t seem to device on a tone, but i sure as hell can’t take it seriously when these moments are way too cliche.
“Don’t get sappy on me. Wait, I forgot, it’s Lifetime movie”
Okay, that was funny.
Also, I just noticed something: So farm, Grumpy Cat feels like a Supporting Character in her own movie. It’s just some lame robber plot with a snarky cast thrown in. I suppose they didn’t want to flat out rip off Garfield, but they could have done something similar to that, so it actually stars Grumpy Cat!
Anyway, so there’s gonna call the cops, right? …Noe, the guard is a bad guy.
“Where are the keys, Crystal?”
Oh yeah, she stole the bad guys’ car keys. Forgot to mention that. Anyway, so…this is a twist that comes out of nowhere, in a bad way.
“I l saw that coming, but you didn’t!”
Only cuz it’s so out of nowhere. It also makes no sense., If he’s working for them, why did they tie him up and stuff? He explains that it was he who hired them to do all this, which is also odd. Since he has everyone’ trust as a guard, he could steal the dog and no one would the wiser.
After an EPIC CLIFFHANGER, Grumpy brings us back.
“Are you still here? Why?”
I don’t freaking know.
George the Guard captures Crystal and the dog, and they gloat evilly about it. While they talk, he says there’s a difference btween Greedy and Evil. Please tell that to One Coarse Meal. (But i digress). Then he says he won’t hurt the girl, but he will hurt the cat. …That’s MORE evil than hurting a girl, dumbass.
“He’s petting me way too diabolically”
Crystal reveals where the keys are, and Grumpy Cat pipes in to say she’s not ognan die.
“I’m sure the executives were thinking Sequel, like Grumpy Cat’s Worst Vacation Ever”
The sad thing is, i can see that happening. Though this actually got poor ratings..despite everyone and their mom live tweeting it. But hey, same happened with Sharknado on it’s first airing, and look what happened!
“So anyway, that’s how the story ended. The bad guys made off with the overpriced freak dog and evil triumphed over good”
Yay! So that was really-
Grumpy tells about how sad Crystal is (which kind of ruins the emotion here) and long story short, she looks into her heart and decides to help her out. They never made a real connection, so this feels forced. Just saying. Though to be fair, this almost works since finding out one of her only friends is a bad guy is pretty sad and stuff. However, it feels a little forced, and it doesn’t tie into her “character” as well as the writers seem to think it does.
On the bright side, the actress pulls this off okay. But seriously, this really serious moment is so different from the rest of the movie and it’s so …weird . See what I mean when I complained about the tone?
Grumpy tells Crystal that people love here, which is odd as the character hasn’t seen any of her pals so…how does she know that? Grumpy the narratoe knows this, but not the character in the present.
“That’s why I decided to adopt you”
Sorry, only dogs can do that. Way to remind me of a much better movie I could be watching right now.
So our heroes escape, with the help of the A-Team theme for some reason, and a dog bites George’s Crotch. Sigh.
“I hope he didn’t want Children”
They beat George up and use his phone to call Crystal’s Mom. Yeah, calling the cops would make more sense, but whatever.
“Call the police”
…Why didn’t you do that?!
Anyway, our heroes chase after the baddies to get the dog back. Then Grumpy Cat comes in driving a car.
“Don’t question it, this happens”
“How is this even possible, you can’t reach the peddle.”
The car stops.
“Thanks, you had to say that. Is this not my movie?”
…Okay, that was amazing,.
‘Okay, that never happened”
That was pointless. Instead, they get in a car that happens to be there and Crystal drives. …That’s somehow less plausible.
“We are in a movie”
I should really just relax? Also, we cut to George and the robbers, and he says this
“I’m gonna put a footprint up your-“
It cuts back to Grumpy. You know-for kids!
“I promised you a car chase, and I’m delivering a car chase”
Wait, why are they even driving? The bad guys were right in front of them going out a door. They weren’t even running. They could easily just run after them! This is so stupid! Hell, they could have gotten the bad guys QUICKER on foot!
Anyway, the bad guys drive away, leading to a car chase and then a Mexican stand off, but with cars. This movie is weird. Anyway, there’s a big crash and Grumpy crashes into a bit tree but she’s okay., Except for a bit where she pretends to lose her telepathic connection with Crystal, cut she’s a bitch.
“Like Lifetime would pass up a chance for a sequel with the internet’s biggest cash cat”
Thankfully, the cops show up at this moment and arrest the bad guys. Also, her Mom and likely new Dad show up.
“Those guys didn’t do anything to you, did they?”
“That’s a different type of Lifetime movie, if you know what i mean”
YOU KNOW-FOR KIDS! Or families, or whoever this made for! Seriously, that’s a…you know what joke, in a family film! What the heck?!
Crystal has a heartwarming moment with her Mom and everything is cool. The store owner guy shows up and thanks her, but since she broke into the store to begin with, he says he’s gonna dock her pay.
“But you don’t pay me”
…Then I’m gonna make you employee of the month”
Then it cuts to the land lord guy, who is tied to a giant Candy Can e thing inside the store. It’s funny cuz it random and mean.
After shrugging off this big event, we cut to Christmas morning. Oh yeah,. this is a Christmas movie. For her big present, she gets to adopt Grumpy Cat. Yay.
“This is the best Christmas ever”
“Sure, go ahead, ignore the title of the movie”
“No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. My dignity however…destroyed.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Roll credits. Yeah, rushed ending that makes the film worse, you know the drill. Well, that was….somewhat.
That was…exactly what I expected, yet also nothing like I expected. It’s that kind of movie. This movie was a mess. It was cliche, it was opoorly written, it was self aware, it was dramatic, it was comedic, it was stupid, it was…a lot of things. Good was not among those things…sort of.
This movie’s biggest problem is how messy it was. It has no idea what i wants to be. It changes between being self aware, and just lame and cliche. The story goes all over the place and the cliches aren’t even done well. The twist is out of nowhere, the drama doesn’t really work. Escpailly since it has no pay off after the big scene, and the ending is rushed. There’s no real connection between Crystal is grumpy, and what few character there are are just boring and one dimensional.
But…it’s also kind of enjoyable. Yeah, it’s one of those “So Bad it’s Good” movies. Mostly for Grumpy Cat herself. She’s the highlight of the movie, because every line she gets is funny and self aware.. Seriously, it’s like she’s MST-ing the movie, and that’s awesome. It seems like the writers, or just Aubery Plaza, were aware of what they were making and just had fun with it. Since the rest of the film is so odd, this helps a lot.
She makes the movie kind of funny and bearable. Her character isn’t exactly great, at least she’s funny. AS a side note, most of the acting is actually pretty good, most notably Aubrey Plaza, who gives the perfect performance for what she’s given. This movie was just weird, but how it’s paced and written, with all the pointless filler and snark.
It’s kind of like Sharknado, except that got people in even without the writes needing to be self aware. This is an idea so dumb that it being self aware was needed for it to be good. And I’m glad it it was, since this film is amazingly bad. It’s one of those films that must be seen to believed.
And also, her tweets are still amazing. She clearly knows what movie was in. So yeah, overall, this mvoie was bad, but in the best possible way.
Critical Grade: C
So Bad it’s Good Grade: B
Also, this didn’t have that much to do with Christmas, aside from the setting and whatever. Anyway, at least we’re done with that one. Next time, we go back to our old friend and see how the Disney Chanel celebrated Christmas back in 200.