My Super Ex Girlfriend

This movie features a hot heroine, super sex, sky sex, and a cat fight. It still sucks....but at least it has that going for it.

This movie features a hot heroine, super sex, sky sex, and a cat fight. It still sucks….but at least it has that going for it.

My Super Ex Girlfriend is Property of 20th Century Fox

Hello, Spongey here.

After the disaster that was the Rio review, you guys deserve a review that will not suck. I hope to give that you today, even if the movie will sadly, suck hard. This isn’t exactly a movie people talk about, but I’ve heard some pretty bad things about it.

So naturally, I wanna review it. In this day and age, with comic book movies taking over our cinemas, it only makes sense that we would get a few comedies poking fun at superheroes and the like. We’d have some good ones, and we have also gotten ….this.

There isn’t much else to introduce, other than the “creative” team. The writer has written far better comic book films such as both Thor pictures….and also Fantastic 4 2, but I can forgive him for that.

The director, is a bit more interesting….Ivan Reitman. Yes, the same director who previoulsy helmed some of the best comedies ever, such as Ghostbusters, and Stripes. However, he went into a huge slump, directing gems such as Junor. Need I say more?

Thankfully, he has gotten his mojo back with the No Strings Attached, and Draft Day….which came out a few days ago. Okay, I swear I didn’t plan for this to be a tie in to that. Two reviews in a row tying into films released on April 11th. Weird.

So, why does this film make people wonder if Ghostbusters was a fluke? Let’s find out.

This, is My Super Ex Girlfriend

After I find out this is yet another time where I reviewed 2 Fox films in a row, the movie opens with a bunch of dudes robbing a jewelry store and driving away in their getaway car. They are stopped by the stupidly superhero G-Girl (what does the G stand for, Girly, Genki, Grimey?), played by Uma Thurman.

super ex

Okay, Batman & Robin, Movie 43, and now this? She really should stay away from superhero characters. Our hot heroine stops the bad guys and we cut to two guys read about her feat in the newspaper, which proves this was made in 2006.

“If you could have one super power, what could it be?”

Ah, he subscribes to the tao of Pinhead Pierre

“The power to blow myself”

“There’s a visual”

What he said.

The nerdy one who wanted to blow himself, spots a chick while they are on the subway, and tells Luke Wilson here to tap that, because it’s been 6 months since his break up with his last girlfriend. As you can tell, the nerdy one is a master at forced exposition.

“I would have plowed half of soho by now”

‘Cuz you’re soulless and shallow”

“It’s a blessing”

Saying the character sucks doesn’t make him better.

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Luke sucks it up and hits on the girl and she flat out says no. She’s direct, I’ll give her that. Then some bad guy steals her purse and Luke goes after him because he wants her that much, I guess. One short chase later, the bad guy runs away from him and he gets the purse back, but the baddie comes for him once Luke insults him.

So he was willingly to cut his loses and give up the purse, but one insult sets him off?

Matt runs into an alley and hides in a dumpster. The bad guy sees the dumpster

“Idiot”

Hey, the movie called him out for me!

Suddenly, the baddie vanishes and when Matt gets out, the chick is there. Yeah, she’s the Clark Kent to G-girl’s superman, calling it now. We find out her named is Jenny Johnson.

“You got the whole alliteration thing going”

Stop stealing my witty comments!

Since he got her purse back, Jenny says yes to a date with Matt. As they walk away, we pan up to see that she hung bad guy on a thing above them. How did Matt not see him and why didn’t the baddie scream or anything?

We cut to Matt’s workplace, as we meet Hannah, played by Anna Farris (yet another blemish on her resume) as she does some stuff with Matt and he stares at her ass when she is on a ladder messing with books on a shelf. I’d say “lovely” but I can’t say I wouldn’t be dong the same thing in his position.

This catches the ire of his boss, played by Wanda Skyes. Okay, two Fox films with Wanda Sykes, that tie in with a recent release in a row? This, I did not plan, at all. Hannah says she will let it slide so Wanda lets him off. The only reason this scene exists is to establish Hannah and the fact that she is hot. Like I didn’t know that already.

Matt goes on a date with Jenny that night, and it seems to go well. At least until she randomly leaves to hit the bathroom. While she’s gone, Matt talks to his friend on the phone, (who we learn is the annoying sex crazed one) as said friend stumbles upon a burning building.

G-Girl thankfully shows up to stop the fire and we see her turn into Jenny and go back to her date. Now that we fully know that Jenny and G-girl are the same, I can comment on this: It’s cool to see someone act COMPLETLY different under their secret identity, to the point of changing the hair color. Instead of you know, slapping on some glasses and calling it a day.

Actually, jokes aside, I never got why people say the glasses separate Clark and Supes.. I mean Superman has no geeky look, no geeky mannerism, oh, and also THE FREAKING SUIT. But anyway, it’s cool that this chick went all the way instead of half assing it.

The next day, Matt tells Hannah about his date and after Hannah deems Jenny a nutcase (for having a smudge on her face after coming back from the bathroom?), she is visited by her boyfriend Steve and then they leave.

After that pointless bit, Matt meets with Jenny again that night. They go an art museum, where Jenny says that in a way. Matt is her hero or something and they kiss. Then we get a pointless comedy routine regarding Matt’s french kissing abilities, followed by them going to Matt’s place to have sex.

And so we find out what sex with a super heroine is like: Weird and rough, to the point where it kind of messes up the bed. And yet it isn’t nearly as funny as the time Bella and Edward did the same thing.

Also, Jenny really sucks at having a secret identity if she’s gonna have sex with a dude even though she must know her super vag is too much. Did I really just say that?

The next day, Matt tells his friend about the bed breaking thing, but this only encourages Matt to keep moving forward with her. To be fair, sex like that wouldn’t exactly turn me off either. Matt leaves only to bump into some bad guys who take Matt into their car.

Here we meet Professor Bedlam, played by Eddie Izzard, who is our obligatory super villain for the evening. He claims to be a normal guy and then he asks Matt about his new girlfriend. He rightfully says no, so of course Bedlam hangs Matt by the statue of Liberty. And by that, I mean a terrible green screen effect.

G-Girl catches wind of this and quickly saves him. While she’s gone, Bedlam and his goons go into her house, having figured out her secret identity faster than most villains. Later on, Matt tells Jenny about what happened.

So, a guy that you know is a villain asks you about your new girlfriend, who he shouldn’t know about, and puts you in danger because you won’t talk about her, and you doesn’t see anything weird about that. ….Idiot.

Jenny hit by a car, in another amazing effect, and she is perfectly fine afterward. Matt says it’s a miracle, proving to be the biggest idiot ever. She takes him to her place, where she finally just tells him that she is G-girl.

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Naturally, he doesn’t have a shit ton of questions and they move on to him swearing he will never tell anyone her secret. After that, she launches into her and Bedlam’s backstory. Bedlam is really Barry Edward Lambert, and they went to high school together. They were both outcasts, so they dated but on the night they were about to do it, a meteor struck the Earth close to them.

Jenny, like an idiot, touched it and boom, she got superheroes. By the way, her super heroine transformation included breast enlargement, as we see. No comment. After that, she donned a wig and with her newfound coincidence, became more popular in school but she and Barry grew apart.

Long story short, Jenny became a full superhero, and Barry went into the evil mastermind business and all that. As far as back stories go, it’s fine I guess, except Barry becoming a villain is totally her fault as we see through the visuals that she pretty much forget about him and became kind of a bitch and stuff.

I would call out this kind of thing, but something tells me that it was kind of the point. Mostly cuz I peeked ahead in the Wikipedia summary. After that, Matt requests that they have sex while she is G-girl. To be fair, …..i would totally request that too. Wow, I have problems, don’t I?

Sadly, instead of having another round of super sex, she takes him for a flight. However, they actually do have sex….in the sky. ….Okay, that is the best and worst thing I’ve ever seen. Come on, don’t we all want to have sky sex? …..No, just me?

This pretty much scares the shit out of Matt, (by the way, no one sees this because derp), and then we abruptly cut to Bedlam, who found a lock of Jenny’s hair earlier, as he finds out that her hair is pretty much super strong. Movie, reminding me of Superman 4 is not a good thing. You already did with your effects, anyway.

He uses some formula he made to make the hair cutable, which means he has found G-Girl’s kryptonite….Next scene.

Matt and Hannah are doing work at some place over in New Jersey, when Jenny shows us, telling him that she came here when she heard where he went. She saw Hannah pulling out Matt’s splinter with her mouth (Still better than Patrick’s methods) so she kisses Matt, presumably to show Hannah that Matt is his or something.

Yeah, she’s gonna turn into the world’s worst jealous girlfriend ever, isn’t she?

Matt suggests they all go on a double date, so they try to do so but Steve ends up bailing out due to injuries. But then the TV turns to plot convenience news to tell us this:

“A runaway missile is on a direct course for the Tri State Area”

MONOGRAM: Doofenshmirtz!

Naturally, this is a job for G-Girl yet Jenny keeps ignoring it, much to Matt’s confusion.

“Maybe someone deserves one night out with some impending disaster”

I keep wanting to call her out but again, it seems to be the point. Ugh, is there anything I can bitch about?

Things keep getting worse around them, so Jenny finally heads out to stop them missile. She does so but later on, she tells Matt she thinks something is going on with her and Hannah. Matt assures her that their relationship is professional, but Jenny just turns up the bitch dial.

After a mini freakout, we cut to the next day as Matt tells his friend that Jenny might be a little cuckoo after all. She seems to be needing, controlling, and jealous. Well, she’s really only one of those things but okay.

So Matt decides he might have to break up with her with her. Well, considering who she is, this will go perfectly. He talks to Jenny later on and tells her that might have to reevaluate their relationship and yada yada yada.

But Matt makes the mistake of saying that seeing other people might eventually be part of the process, and she goes ape shot. You know, this movie really isn’t giving me much to work with. There’s really nothing especially awful about it so far. It’s mostly just mediocre. Though you could make the argument that this is more than a little sexist in it’s depiction of yet another jealous girl but given the high concept, I think that would be looking too deep into it.

Anyway, Jenny assumes Matt is sleeping with Hannah but Matt finally tells her that she’s crazy and he can’t stand it anymore.

“You’re crazy”

So after the title comes true a mere 50 minutes in, Jenny angrily leaves. Why does she even care that much in the first place? I mean, is Matt so amazing that this superhero really loses her shit when he dumps her?

The next day, Matt is worried that a bitch-y superhero he dumped will come after him but his friend assures him that she is all talk. With that, Matt tells him that Jenny is G-Girl and the friend buys it because no one wants to waste time here.

Later on, Matt is still paranoid that Jenny will try to kill him or something. He tells Hannah that he broke up with Jenny, and that night, G-Girl breaks into his house. She uses a telescope to show him that she threw his car into space and wrote “You Suck” on it.

I’m not sure what that achieves, but okay.

Naturally, this sets Matt is off.

“You’re the hottest girl I’ve ever gone out with, but you’re also the craziest”

This “clip” has never been more appropriate…

BATMAN: Why are the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs?

Jenny leaves and the next day Matt goes to this business meeting with some Japanese guys because yay stereotypes. Before we get any racist jokes, G-Girl show up, takes Matt’s clothes, and leaves without anyone seeing her. Of course no one questions how he took his clothes off without moving a finger.

Matt gets fired over this and he tells Hannah that she should stay away from him, since he can’t tell her about G-Girl because ….reasons. Also, ROMANTIC MISUNDERSTANDING JOY.

Matt goes home and he is visited by Bedlam and his goons. He tells Matt that they should team up to stop G-Girl, since she is giving Matt trouble. He says that he has found a way to strip G-Girl of her powers.

“So she’ll be an…average everyday crazy person”

“That has to be better”

Okay, that was funny.

Bedlame adds that he plans to retire from villain-y and Matt rightfully says in that case, he should give up.

“That’s what I’m gonna do. I’m leaving town”

Yeah, a superhero will never be able to find you.

“That woman just won’t leave me alone! She’s obsessed with me!”

Bedlam said that but come on, at this point you likely thought Matt said it. He gives Matt his card and he leaves. Matt gets a call from Hannah and when he visits her, she tells him that Steve has been cheating on her.

“I found him in bed with another woman. Actually, two other women. Maybe 3.”

It’s a good thing this pointless character existed so we could have this cliché moment, which exists so Matt and Hannah can get together!

And yes, this does lead to Matt asking Hannah out, using a cliché speech and all that stuff. Another forced cliché romance hits us as they proceed to make love. Yeah, a crazy superhero is after you, take some time out to do this crap.

G-Girl pops up, proclaiming she hates Matt. If you left town and dealt with this later, this wouldn’t be happening, you know. She throws a shark into the room (which is alive due to Sharknado rules) and leaves. Ah, the classic shark and run.

After that, Matt visits Bedlam to take him up on his offer. He shows Matt part of the meteor that gave G-Girl her powers (how he got it is anyone’s guess) which will absorb her powers. He wants to Matt to use it because there’s no way Bedlam can get close to her.

Matt visits Jenny as pretends to like her again. Like an idiot, she accepts his fake apology and they meet up at his place that night. Matt has the rock in this big present box, and if he was smart he pull it on her right now.

But he isn’t so he lets Jenny crawl all over him and he pretends to be in love with her. To make this worse, Hannah walks in. ….Yeah, we’re really doing the romantic misunderstanding thing now. UGH.

That friend dude shows up so Hannah and Jenny can have a confrontation, Hannah ends up pulling Jenny’s wig off, and she finally founds out that she is G-girl. Matt tells the friend to open the box, revealing the rock.

G-Girl suddenly starts losing her powers. Wait, just being near it does it? Did the box have super rock protection powers? I don’t get it. Bedlam comes in, and in a shocking twist, he’s not retiring and instead he’s just gonna kill Jenny.

Hannah tries to stop G-Girl from touching the rock and getting her powers back but oops she does just that. With her powers back, she plans to pretty much kill Matt or something. Then….Hannah gets her own set of powers from the rock.

“Get away from my boyfriend you crazy bitch!”

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

What ensues is a super powered cat fight between Uma Thurman and Anna Farris. ….Somehow, I can’t complain about this scene. Their fight gets bigger as it eventually takes them to a Beauty pageant.

Matt calms them down as he pulls a speech on Jenny. He tells her that he is sorry he hurt her, but what they had wasn’t really love.

“You’re a great girl, and you deserve to be with the perfect guy”

Expect for the crazy bitch part, she’s pretty great, yes.

Matt shows her the perfect guy for her….Bedlam. With a bit of coaxing, Bedlam admits that he still loves her.

“You hurt me. You broke my heart into a million pieces. You ignored me and left me behind. So I thought if I had the powers, you may learn to love me, the way I always loved you.

Okay, let’s see if I got this right: Jenny got powers, making her super popular, and she ignored her great boyfriend, and she was honestly shocked when he turned into a villain. He never just explained to her what his deal was, and now, she is just accepting the fact that he loves her and gets back together with him, without thinking of what lead him to be evil in the first place, and she never fixes her problems.

She’s pretty much been a bitch this entire time, and she stays that way but it’s okay cuz she has found love with Bedlam. ….What a load of bullshit. I thought she would either become the real villain and get defeated like any baddie, or that she would realize what she has been doing and learn a lesson.

Instead we get this stupid middle ground that undermines pretty much everything. Christ, this is really stupid writing. After….that, Matt and Hannah walk away and they hook up. She has powers now, which is kind of pointless but….also kind of hot.

With that, the two go home and have super sex. I never tought I would see super sex 3 times in one movie. The next morning, they bump into Jenny and Bedlam. Wait, G-Girl cause all this damage and no gave a shit?

If you are thinking I will make a Man of Steel joke, you thought wrong.

They mostly make some banter until both Hannah and Jenny hear a 747 in trouble, and G-Girl must go save it. But this time, Hannah wants to join her, and so they do, becoming one weird superhero team. They go off to save the day, leaving me to wonder why they forgave Jenny so quickly.

“Wanna go get a beer?”

Roll credits. Well, that ending flat out sucked. It’s not too abrupt for the most part but….I’ll go into it in just a sec.

Final Thoughts:

This one was mostly just….mediocre. There was nothing especially good or terrible about this film….until the ending. My god, the ending The plot is kind of basic and it’s biggest problem was not going enough with an interesting premise.

It mostly had Jenny acting like a bitch, and the entire thing with Hannah was cliché and stupid. The characters were not especially awful, as Matt was just boring, Hannah was also boring, the friend was annoying and pointless, and the only characters with anything interesting going on were kind of wasted.

The acting is fine enough, but Uma Thurman is the only standout. She’s actually really good as Jenny and G-Girl and she pulls off all sides of her character very well. A bit too well, actually, as he craziness in the 2nd half was more scary than funny. Speaking of funny, there’s nothing really that funny or painful when it comes to the comedy.

But now we have the ending. Now, Jenny’s character was kind of interesting in how much of a bitch she was, but it was mostly Uma’s performance that sold it. It seemed like her being a giant was the point and I was thinking she would just down and that would be it. Boy, was I wrong.

Before I get to that, I will say he only interesting character in the end is Bedlam. I liked his backstory and how it showed Jenny for who she is. Wouldn’t this film be more interesting if it was about a super villain who became evil due to his own nemesis hidden bitch side? Just cut out the Matt stuff, focus on him and boom, you got a better film.

But instead we have….this. Jenny being a giant bitch doesn’t bite her in the ass, and her entire thing with wanting to kill Matt goes competely with comeuppance. This film pretty mcuh has a psycho bitch get away with all the bad things she does because she just hooks up with the right guy in the end,

What a load. I know they weren’t trying to say anything with this film, but this tells me that if you’re a psycho bitch, you will get away with it as long as you get with the right guy. …Okay, maybe I’m looking too deep into it, but it doesn’t work on a pure narrative level.

This movie was mostly just meh until that god awful ending. It’s weak, not funny, cliché in parts, and the ending undermined everything about it. The only thing I’m glad I saw is the cat fight and….yeah it does save it but shut up!

Grade: D-

Well, that happened. I want to get that out of my mouth with something ….awesome. But what?

Rise_of_the_Guardians_poster

….Oh hell yes!

See ya.

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Rio

The greatest Angry Birds ad ever made!

The greatest Angry Birds ad ever made!

Rio is property of Blue Sky Studios/20th Century Fox

NOTE: Remember how the Little Nicky was never actually finished, and I only covered 50 minutes of movie? Yeah….that happened again. Like last time, it was partly due to “production” troubles but this time it also has to do with my own laziness. The review was a day late as it is, so I just gave up. HOWEVER, I’ve seen the movie before, so I feel like I can give a real review for this one. So….sorry.

Hello, Spongey here.

When it comes to animation studios, we are all familiar with the likes of Pixar and Dreamworks. But there us one studio that produces solid efforts, that doesn;t get the credit it deserves: Blue Sky.

While Dreamworks is known for the pop culture references and Pixar is known for great art, Blue Sky seems to be only known for the cash cow that is Ice Age. And to be fair, considering a 5th one is upon us, it’s hard not to think of it.

However, this company has far more to offer other than underrated sequels and one crappy sequel. All their films other than that seem to be forgotten not long after release, and the reviews always say “Great animation, lousy story”.

I think that’s pretty unfair, because there is more to some of these flicks than meets the eye, but I’ll get to “Epic” and Robots some other time. Today, we look at the film that seems to the most praise from people, that shows both the strengths and weakness of this studio.

More so than any other studio, Blue Sky is good at respecting an artists vision. Horton Hears a who perfectly uses the style of Dr Suess, Epic showcases the style of William Joyce, and so on. That is also true of this film, which is the baby of director Carlos Saldanha

As you can guess from his name, he is Brazilian and he really wanted to do this flick as a tribute to the place, especially since there hadn’t been a lot of accurate portrayals of the titular city on film before.

And so in 2011, the film was released to great box office (making it their highest grossing original film), and decent reviews, with a 72 on Rotten Tomatoes (though their best reviewed films seem to be Ice Age 1, and Horton hears a who) , saying what this entire review will say. On the writing, we have 4 writers (and yet the film is actually not a jumbled mess). One who wrote the previously reviewed Under Wraps, (who is now dead, which sucks), one who no Wikipedia page so he must not have done anything important, and the other 2 did the previously reviewed Yogi Bear.

A bit of a mixed bag, but the resulting film is a decent flick and with the unnecessary but sure to be fun sequel coming out I might well take a look at the first one. It’s not the best animated film of 2011 by any means, but it has it’s own charms as we’ll see here.

So, let’s see why exactly this ended up being one of Blue Sky’s more memorable efforts, despite one crack in NC’s Face/Off review. As long as he doesn’t put an odd, mean jab at the studio in his latest re- DAMMIT DOUG

This, is Rio

The movie opens in, you guessed it, Berlin. Nah, it’s the jungles of Brazil a bunch of birds have a colorfully animated dance party, with our first song. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this is a musical, but so did the marketing. It’s what I like to call a “Secret musical” since apparently musicals do very poorly now.

This number, called “Real in Rio” a lot of fun with a catchy beat and some really spectacular animation. You’d have to see it for yourself, but it’s one of numbers that sucks you into the movie as soon as it starts. It even got an Oscar nomination, but it was beat out but Man or Muppet, which I am very cool with.

We see a baby Mccaw joining in on the fun….until generic animal finder people show up and take him away. And this happens before the song can properly end, by the way. The truck he’s being carried in accidentally drops him in the middle of some snow-y village.

A little girl finds him and promises she will take care of him. After dropping the main character was dragged out of his habitat as a kid” cliché on us, we get montage of the girl and the bird growing up to be the best, and weirdest, of friends. We cut to the present day as the girl has grown to be Linda, voiced by Lesilee Mann, and she is still besties with Blu, the bird, to the point where he gets her up in the morning.

Man, I wish I had a bird alarm clock. Then again, it’s only one step away from Flintstones technology.

We get an adorable little montage of them helping each other throughout the morning and having fun. You really get a sense that they are pretty awesome friends, even if a grown woman being friends with a bird is kind of creepy.

She goes to her job at a bookstore, as Blu talks to himself about his fun life. Also, he’s voiced by Jesse Ensienberg, which really is perfect casting considering Blu is very awkward and all that. Insert jab at his casting as Lex Luthor here.

Blu is mocked by some two birds that are outside, voiced by Jane Lynch, and Wanda Sykes. This is another movie with a lot of repeat actors, guys. This pointless bit thankfully ends as our plot truly begins.

A dude named Tulio visits the book store, and he’s a doctor from Rio, who has come for Blu. He uses crazy movements to communicate with Blu and say hi.

“I did not get that all”

I can’t say “That was funny” in a positive review so i’ll just say “heh”.Tulio tells Linda that Blu is the last male of his kind.

“Recently, we’ve found a female, and we’re hoping to bring the 2 together and save the species!”

Yep, that cliché. Infact, the basic story for this film has been done (which is not uncommon for Blue Sky films, sad to say) before. Heck, it’s one of the films that lead to Pixar’s Newt being canned, due to it’s similar premise. I’d talk about how I feel about it, but I’ll comment as we go long.

Tulio also tells her that she and Blu must go to Rio to get his pussy. You know, as Cracked pointed out, this doesn’t really make sense. The only way the babies they make would help make more birds, is if you put incest into it and ew no.

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Naturally, Linda is very reluctant to do this.

“He’s not big on travel. He can’t even fly”

Oddly enough, that is a cliché. Even Planes ended up doing it, to less funny results. Linda ultimately says no, and our movies a mere 10 minutes in. Nah, there’s a lot more.

That night, Blu tries to teach himself to fly and spoilers, he falls flat on his butt. Later, Linda “talks” to him and she decides that they fly go to Rio, as it is good for the bird. And so, at the 12 minute mark, we’re already off to Rio.

At least here, it makes bit more sense as we had some okay set up and I expected a movie called Rio to get there quickly. They have conveniently arrived during Carnival, the biggest celebration in Brazil. It’s an excuse to give us some lovely visuals, but it’s still cool.

I suppose it’s a good time to discuss the animation, which is fantastic. Aside from Epic this has some of the studios best animation. It’s very bright and colorful, which may due to the exotic location. The character animation is nice and smoothy, and it manages to be both cartoon-y and realistic.

I believe this was the first time we had prominent humans in a Blue Sky film that looked decent. Before, we had a few in Ice Age 1 and they looked kind of crappy. But here, they look pretty good. Of course they would later perfect humans in Epic, but again, that’s a review for another time.

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While they drive through the city, Blu meets two birds, one of which is voiced by will I am, fulfilling the “hip character voiced by a rapper” quota. They don’t much in this scene except tell Blu to be a love hog or whatever.

They arrive at Tulio’s workplace, where they take care of poor birds that are often found hurt. They quickly trap him in this big room where his new lady is, except we see that she clawed a dude, so Blu is scared of her now.

Until he actually meets her and while she tries to kick his ass at first, she gets off of him and when she sees he looks like her. Jewel, voiced by Anne Hathaway, assume he is here to help her break out.

But it all goes sour, when she finds he assumed they were gonna have hot bird sex. While Mark Zuckerberg gets his ass kicked by Catwoman, Tulio and Linda give them some space. A security guard is distracted by this particularly sick cockatoo that suddenly attacks him.

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As you likely guessed, he isn’t dick and he’s also kind of our villain. While he does evil stuff, Blu and Jewel continue to argue as Jewel bashes him for being a “pet”.

“You would rather be with a human than with your own kind”

Blu rightfully points that the human has treated with love, while Jewel has done nothing but kick his ass. As you guessed, we’re going with the “Mismatch couple that will learn to love” cliché as well as the rest of these cliches. To be fair, these character are funny enough to carry it, and though mostly thanks to the solid voice work.

Meanwhile, Tulio and Linda go out to dinner, as they are our “backup couple” so to speak. It goes a bit more typically, but they are kind of adorable anyway. She randomly get scared and angry because of all this crazy crap the restaurant does.

She bitches at Tulio because it’s his fault she is here.

“Squawk Squawkity Squawk Squawk! ….Sorry, I didn’t mean to curse”

Heh.

On the more interesting side of the plot, a kid shows up, captures our bird heroes, and takes them to his shady boss. The boss is this big crime dude and Fernando, the kid,has been hired one of his many goons. The kid is voiced by Jake T Austin, making this a vast improvement from that other movie he was in that year.

The birds quickly escape but Nigel, the evil bird from earlier, shows up and captures them before he works for the evil guy. Naturally, the evil guy plans to sell the last 2 living blue macaws (and he’s so incompetent he needed a cockatoo to help?) because bad guys love selling things I guess.

Blu and Jewel are taken to a room with a bunch of of crazy birds the bad guys have captured. The evil guy lies to Fernando and tells him that the birds are going to a good home, because people with evil birds are trustworthy. Also, the kid has no Mom and he lives on the street. Well, that just made him a woobie real fast. (It was either or a crack about the ending of the Wizards movie had a dark turn after all)

Right after leaving, he spies on the guys and finds out that they are gonna sell the bird. Well, at least we got that out of the way quickly. After he sulks for a bit, the main bad guy leaves and tells his goons to feed Nigel.

After that goes the way you expect, Nigel visits the other captured birds and then threatens our heroes. He tells us, I mean them, that he uses to be pretty, and he also uses to be a big star.

He elaborates…in song. Yep, 29 minutes in and we’re only now getting another song. It’s not so much a musical, as it is a movie with songs in it. Anyway, this is a pretty fun villain song, with Jemaine Celement, the voice of Nigel, making up for his previous appearance on this blog (Dinner for Shumcks). Yeah, it has a rap verse and people consider it to be the weakest song in the movie, but I actually think it’s the best one.

Sorry, but I’m a sucker for a decent villain song. He explains that he was a star until he got a bit older, and was replaced by a young parakeet.

That is why I am so evil, why I do what I do.

Eh, I’ve worse excuses for evil. The soundtrack version has an extra verse which makes the song a bit more complete. Also, the rap verse has this:

Like an abandoned school, I have no Principal

…That was kind of a cute pun.

After that awesome-ness, he leaves just as quickly as he arrived. Blu and Jewel escape from their cage, because it had a simple door (great plan, Nigel) but they are stopped by Blu’s inability to fly.

They do escape, but now we get a chase scene as the goons and Nigel try to get them back. They get away from the bad guys but they end up in the jungle, which does not please Blu. Thankfully, they tough it out, find shelter, and go to sleep.

While this is going on, Tulio and Linda discover that the bird are missing and spend all night trying to find them. The next morning, Fernando bumps into them and tells them he knows where they are. This is shaping up to be one of those reviews where I just recap the plot and say nothing insightful or funny.

So, every review then.

The evil goons return to their boss who is not happy that the birds are gone. So he puts Nigel in charge because he thinks that lowly of the goons. Nice.

We cut back to our heroes, as I tell you that they are chained together, which I failed to mention before. They are trying to break the chain so they can go their separate ways. Before that can happen, they bump into this Toucan voiced by George Lopez, who has 17 kids. Damn, he gets around, doesn’t he?

If you thought he was the kind of guy who had a bad wife, then you would be right but that’s not important. Our heroes asks Rafeel, who is cool but not rude,if he can help them break the chain. He says he knows a guy named Luiz who can help, so they head out.

Elsewhere in the jungle, Nigel meets up with a gang of monkeys, (just go with it) to make them help him captured Blu and Jewel. The two birds, plus Lopez, end up on a cliff and they must fly over this big gap thingy to get to their destination.

Naturally, Blu isn’t up for it so they must help him find his flight skills. Since he chained to a bird that can fly, Raf tells them that one must flap their left wing, and the other flaps their right wing.

“That doesn’t seem aerodynamically possible”

Saying that kind of stuff is my job!

“You think too much”

Bah.

This kind of works, as the two end up on some guys para sail and they end up flying over the lovely sights of Rio. It’s certainly up there as one of the best animated flight scenes ever. Then they crash land, wah wah.

The three then hitch a ride on a truck to get to Luiz. On the way, they bump into will iam and his pal again. Raf knows them and they say that they missed Luiz who is now somewhere else. Then after more things, they go this club, that actually feels like a club. As in, it’s not half assed and instead it’s pretty “happening” and it’s another example of this film’s high energy level.

I mean that in a good way. I mean, it’s Rio during Carnival, it should be as energetic as possible!

Then Will I am leads us into our 3rd song, at the 53 minute mark. It’s kind of pointless, but it’s pretty cool and hey, we need to justify this celebrity casting somehow! Though it does make me realize that this isn’t a very reviewable movie as you kind of have to SEE it to get the full effect. If only I had enough talent to do a video review.

The song also serves as a chance for Blu and Jewel to bond a bit but like the first, it stops before it really ends. Only Nigel’s song actually ended, while the others just kind of stop. The monkey gang interrupts the bird samba party (Add to the weird sentences I’ve type on here).

A fight ensues and the monkeys get their asses handed to them. That is hands down the most epic Bird/Monkey fight ever put on film. Meanwhile, Fernando takes Tuilo and Linda to the bad guy HQ only to see that the birds are not there. He reveals that he took the birds in the first place and needless to say, Linda is not pleased.

Before that can set in though, the goons show up and Fernando hides the two . The goons plan to smuggle the birds, or some other birds, or whatever, through the Carnival party, but they lie and tell the kid they are simply going to the party. Forgetting Linda and Tuilo for some reason, he asks if he can tag along and they say yes, so they leave.

While that is going on, Blu and thew gang hitch another ride, and Blu takes this chance to try to woo Jewel. Of course, it’s very awkward until their pals start up music to set the mood, but it just leads to more awkward, but funny stuff from Blu.

Of course it is that cliché where the comedy sidekicks secretly give the hero advice on what to say to the girl, and said hero mucks it up but it still ends going well. But this is a funny cliché so I’m cool with it.

After that is over, they finally reach Luiz’ garage. As it turns out, Luiz is a drooling dog, voiced by Tracy Morgan. Right away, he gets the chains off, so that means the movie is over, bye!

Pfft, nah….but the “review” is almost over. Everyone except Blu flies, since Jewel hasn’t been able to truly fly thanks to the chains, in awhile. ANNNNND, here is where we stop, at the 67 minute mark. Yep, this is the part where I gave up. Like I said, at least I’ve actually seen the full movie this time.

Here is what happens in the rest of the movie: There’s a love duet where we find out Anne Hathaway could sing before Les Miz, Nigel is defeated/rendered flightless, I think the human baddies are stopped, Tulio and Linda hook, they adopt Fernando, and our bird hero finally find love and they have babies. Dance party ending!

Final Thoughts:

While I couldn’t finish the plot summary, I can talk about the movie here. This is one of those “decent” flicks, in the vein of Despicable Me, and other such films with a cliché plot but good everything else. This one is a lot of fun, even if it’s not Blue Sky’s best.

The story is nothing new, but it is….serviceable, and it didn’t really annoy me with the cliches. But clearly they didn’t want you to remember the great story, but all the other great things this film has. The story itself is helped by some solid humor, and the fantastic animation. This movie looks beautiful, with all the vibrant colors, and the musical numbers help make it even better. The songs could be a bit more complete, and I’d say the only really memorable one was the villain song, but they are still solid.

The characters are pretty likable, even if they aren’t anything new. Blu provides some of the funniest moments with his awkwardness and while his overall development is cliché, it is well done. The same can be said for Jewel who is an enjoyable tough chick and the two have decent chemistry.

The rest are hit or miss, with the comedy reliefs being average, but I found Linda to be kind of adoptable, and Tulio was….a character that was in this movie. Fernando, while cliched, is one of the more sympathetic characters, so I liked him too.

But the real show stealer is Nigel, who is a solid villain. Yeah, he’s just evil to be evil, but he’s hilarious in how theatrical he is. He gets the best song, and he’s just fun to watch. Overall, Rio works because it’s a lot of fun and you get the sense that it is a real tribute to the director’s home country.

Just like how most Disney films capture the look and feel of their location (Africa in The Lion King, Agrabah in Aladdin, etc etc), this film really captures Rio perfectly, and that’s a big part of it’s charm.

Is it anything ground breaking? Nah, but it is a fun effort and it’s a decent enough family film. Was this another crappy review with no insight at all? Yes, but this is a movie that must be seen, since the look/feel is what makes it decent.

Sorry for the bad review.

Grade: B+

How can I make it up to you? Oh I know, I’ll do a somewhat notably bad film next! But not TOO Notable….hmmm…

Exgirlposter

….Joy.

See ya.

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Batman Forever

Is this the Batman film we deserve, or the one we need right now?

Is this the Batman film we deserve, or the one we need right now?

Batman Forever is Property of Warner Bros.

Ugh, does every reviewer need to have fictional character invade their reviews? Whatever, at least it wasn’t Seltzerberg this time.

Hello, Spongey here.

Back in December of 2012, I reviewed 1992′s Batman Returns, the sequel to Tim Burton’s 1989 hit. The film was pretty divisive, as some thought it was the amazing sequel we deserve, but not the one we need right now. Others, thought it was a good example of why complete control is not a good thing.’

If you read my review, you’ll know I didn’t like it because the plot was a mess, the characters were even messier, and Batman didn’t really do a whole lot. But I also said it was a fun bad movie for the crazy acting and weird parts.

A lot of people (read: Grumpy Parents) thought the film was too dark and this made it less of a hit. Of course, if they actually saw the movie, they wouldn’t say that once they saw the penguins with rockets.

Because of the reaction from parents, the studio had no choice but to boot Burton off the series and replaced him acclaimed director Joel Schumacher. Well, he was acclaimed until he made the infamous 4th installment that people hated so much, they forget he made other movies.

So in 1995, we got this film, which as we all know, was much lighter in tone, and closer to the Adam West series than the Burton films. Infact, I consider this one a reboot rather than an actual sequel because of how different it is.

The reaction was….mixed, to say the least. Some though it a fun ride, while others called it the beginning of the end for the Batman films. Now, the latter is the response you see. As for me…..well, prior to this review, I watched the first hour of the film and while I planned to finish it, I just didn’t get around to it.

I….liked that first hour, so you could say I like this movie. Infact, I think it’s superior to Batman Returns.

READERS: BOOOOO!

I know that isn’t exactly a popular opinion, but I stand by it. Unlike Returns, this movie is focused and has an actual story. Of course, I can’t say that after only watching half of it, but I think I can say that here.

I certainly understood why people don’t accept this….lighter version, for reasons I’ll get into later, but you can count my among it’s fans for now. So why exactly are people so mixed on this one?

Well, let’s shut up and find out.

This, is Batman Forever

The movie opens with the caped crusader himself suiting up in the bat cave, and getting ready to head out in the bat mobile, all while some badass music plays.

ALFRED: May I persuade you to take a sandwich, sir?

“I’ll get drive thru”

And the tone has been set.

I love that the opening almost fools you into thinking this is the “dark” Batman until it plays a late April Fools joke on you. I kind of dig it, as dumb as it is. So Batman heads off into Gotham City, and it’s here where I have to talk about the….look of the film.

Since this is a lighter version, the dark and Gothic look of Gotham has been changed to bright, and flashy. The entire movie is like this too, with the music being the only possible dark element.

The Batmobile looks especially goofy, kind of like a toy rather than an actual badass car. However, I can’t say they go all out with the kid friendly tone, as there are dark elements here and there.

Though this does lead to an issue I have with the film. This movie seems to be the polar opposite of Batman Returns, at least for me. Returns weakness was it’s story, while it’s strength was the acting, and visuals.

Here, the effects and visuals just like kind of fake at times. Not so much the whole Bright and flashy thing, but the fact that there is lots of obvious CG, and way it’s short at times, makes it look cheaper than it is.

As for the acting and story, I’ll get to that as we go along. We cut to the bank as Two Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones, is being all with some scared citizen.

batman 1

Okay, I’ll talk about one performance here. I’ll say it now: Tommy Lee Jones is a great actor, and he was the perfect choice to play Two Face….BUT, it seems like he forgot that a good Two Face should be subtle and threatening. Instead, he chews the scenery like it’s a 5 star meal.

Now, to be fair, at times it does kind of work, and he can be fun. But at other times, he’s just a really bad Two Face. All he does is flip a coin, talk about luck, and laugh a lot. It seems like they only got parts of his character right.

Also, the make up kind of sucks. That’s not a horrible scare, that’s obviously bad make up. And it’s not like you didn’t have great make up back then, they could have tried harder! So anyway, Batman shows up on the scene and he meets a girl named Chase, played by Nicole Kidman, who is is a doctor that specials in multiple personality stuff.

“Let’s just say I could write a full paper on a grown man who dressed like a flying rodent”

“Bats aren’t rodents.”

And now we must talk about our new Batman, Val Kilmer. Keaton dropped out because he didn’t like the new direction, and after go through many choices, including Johnny Depp (Did I mention Tim Burton is still a producer?), they settle on Val.

He’s alright. He’s not the best, but he makes a passable Bruce Wayne/Batman. I like that they still make him a smart guy, since he is THE WORLD’S GREATEST DECTIVIE. We got some of that during that banter.

So they still try to infuse some Batman into him. Instead of making him….well…….Okay, I won’t make any actual Batman and Robin jokes/slams, but just in case…

Batman And Robin Jokes I could have made: 1

Besides, we all know the best Batman is Lego Batman.

“DARKNESS! NO PARENTS!”

Batman goes in to fight Two Face’s goons, and like all great action scenes, it’s shot in such a fast way that I can’t make out what is going on! It’s not the worst shaky cam ever, but yeah, it’s kind of dumb.

Two Face jumps in a Helicopter thingy and uses a thing to lift up the safe that Batman and the hostage are in.

“For your dying pleasure, I serve you the very acid that made us the men we are today!”

In the first hour at least, this is one of the few references to Two Face’s backstory and all that. You know how in the animated series, The Dark Knight, they really dive into his character and how Batman kind of made hm the way he is?

Yeah, this movie doesn’t do that. And that is one aspect of the story that needed work.

We then get an escape scene, that would be suspenseful if the hostage wasn’t so damn annoying. He keeps shouting crap all the way through, and I just want that acid to reach him already!

Eventually, the hostage is saved but Batman attacks the helicopter thing and Two Face shoots the guy flying it….for some reason. I guess it’s to prove it’s not too kid friendly.

Long story short, Two Face gets away and Batman loses this round. We then cut to the city and-

batman 2

Oh god, what the hell is that? They seriously thought that look good? This isn’t from a bad Nintendo 64 game, this is an actual establishing shot from the movie! I’ve seen some bad CG in my time but….wow.

The next day, Bruce meets with some guys at Wayne Enterprises, as he is approached by a scientific named Edward Nigma. Subtle. Oh, and he’s played by Jim Carey. Just in case you wanted more proof this is a lighter take on Batman.

“Your my idol and some people have been trying to keep us apart”

….Okay.

As far as Jim goes, he’s perfectly fine as The Riddler (spoiler if you don’t see the poster up there). Unlike Two Face, he fits the part well and while some find him annoying, he is decent/funny enough. He kind of reminds me of the Riddler from the 60′s show, which was probably intentional.

Edward shows them this thing he was working on: a Device that sends TV signal to the brain.

“This device makes people feel like they’re inside the show!”

Who says TV doesn’t rot your brain?

Bruce just tells him to give the full plans to his Secretary, and Edward does not like this. Eventually, Bruce just tells him no, because tampering with brain waves is a no-no.

“It just raises too many question”

And thus, a Linkara gag was born.

“You were supposed to understand….I’ll make you understand”

Okay, this is why slash fics exist.

Bruce leaves, and that night, he dons the cape and cowl and ends up bumping into Chase on a roof. I suppose now is a good time to discuss….the bat nipples.

batman 3

Yeah, see them? For some reason, the costume designer thought the bat suit needed nipples and needless to say, this caused quite a stir. A bit too much of a sir, honestly. I mean, Joel himself said he had no idea putting nipples on the suit would make headlines. Yes, it’s stupid and makes no sense, but it’s not THAT big of a deal.

Anyway, so where were we?

batman 4

…Oh yeah.. That counts as the “She’s nice” joke, by the way.

Bats is here because she set off the bat signal, to tell him what we already know: The coin is Two Face’s Achilles heel. …Okay, she just wanted to get in his bat pants.

“You trying to get under my cape, doctor?”

See?!

“It’s the car right? Chicks love the car”

….I’ll just ignore that.

“Try firemen, less to take off”

Okay, that was funny.

I’m not sure why she’s randomly hot for him but hey, as James Rolfe, we all want girls to be going all over us while we’re dressed as a bat. But really, why should Batman, the guy who went through two lovers already, go for he-

batman 5

Oh.

“Direct, aren’t you?”

This banter is odd. It’s equal parts stupid, and self aware in it’s stupid-ness.

“You like tough women. I’ve done my homework. Or do I need skin tight vinyl and a whip?”

….This movie is weird.

Before things can go further, some guy interrupts them and Batman leaves. I’m not sure how to feel about this love interests. She’s certainly sultry, but perhaps a bit too….direct, you know? I mean, his previous love was a literal crazy cat lady and she had a better reason to jump his bones!

Meanwhile, Edward is still at his workplace working his crazy device, when this guy who was bitching at him earlier shows up.

“What the HELL is going on here?!”

You can’t hear it but….I AM ACTNG!

Edward responds by knocking him out with a coffee can.

“Caffeine’ will kill ya!”

PATRICK: BOOOOOOOOO!

When he wakes up, he’s strapped to Edward’s device, which he turns on. Edward has one on too, so they take have a mugging contest. You can imagine who wins. He successful turns the guy into a brain dead vegetable-

insert your own joke about a show you dislike here-

and Edward becomes a super genius somehow.

“Riddle me this! What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind, baby!”

The process makes Jim Carey mug and dance some more, because we haven’t had enough of that yet. After it’s done, Fred is normal-ish while Edward is still a genius So how does that even work? You couldn’t do that and still have Fred be….un-stupid!

Fred tells him Edward is going to jail, and he is thrown out the window. Note to to anyone who faces a bad guy: Never tell him he’s going to jail because that usually gets you killed.

We cut to Bruce at home as he is watching some Plot Convenience News, as they are covering Two Face’s backstory: District Attorney Harvey Dent was horrible disfigured by some bad guy and Batman failed to save him so now he blames Batman for his horrible fate. Since this is still supposed to be a sequel to the Burton films, I think that accident turned Billy Dee Williams into Tommy Lee jones, somehow.

Also, this one of those other times they directly refer to the whole “Two Face complexity” thing. Again, more of this would have been nice. Later on, the cops find Fred’s body and Edward puts on a sad act for everyone, and he even wrote a fake letter saying Fred killed himself. He also tampered with the security footage so it looks like this.

Hey, most criminals don’t remember the cameras! This guy is way smarter than most villains I’ve seen lately.

Bruce is called in to help and they find our first classic Riddler clue thingy on his desk.

“If you look at the numbers on my face, you won’t find 13 anyplace”

A clock. Give me a hard one!

“Who would send you a riddle?”

“That, is the riddle”

Bruce finds another riddle at his house, and he brings it to Chase.

“Tear one off and scratch my head, what once was red is black instead”

Hmm…

“Match”

I knew that!

Chase tells Bruce that this riddle guy is a total whacko which is the technical term for being cuckoo for coca puffs. She determines that this guy is obsessed with Bruce and wants him dead.

I must say, the whole idea of The Riddle being driven to evil because of his obsession with Bruce, is fairly interesting. So he’s at least an interesting villain, and not just because of the ideas, but the execution as well. Unlike..

Batman and Robin Jokes I could have made: 2

“We need to get you on those clothes”

“and into a black dress”

That isn’t helping.

Then they go to the circus because….romantic? Well, it figures this movie would end up a circus, which is just as flashy as the rest of the movie. Chase tells Bruce she’s met someone (not thinking that the guy she was kind of flirting with, may be pissed) and yeah, that someone is Batman.

We see a performance by the “flying Grayson” and the one known as Richard Grayson, age 12-i mean age….older, goes up.

“Without the safety of a net!”

If you guess this will go wrong, once a villain (in this case, Two Face) shows up, then ….yay. Two Face sets up a bomb or something and The Graysons try to stop, while Bruce attempts to do the same without revealing he is Batman.

Dick (played by Chris O Donnel) is able to stop the bomb, but Two Face gets away and his parents kid of die while trying to stop him. So in this “dumbed down” film, we have had 3 death scenes so far. Granted, only two were important but this pretty much drives the rest of the plot.

This scene is actually pulled well, as it shown in a serious light, and you see how this has effected Dick. This starts off the reason I like this film as much as I do you may wondering why I like cuz we’re over hour an half in and nothing seems to stand out as amazing. But I’ll get to that in a sec.

Bruce takes Dick in, right in the very next scene because we gotta get this 1 hour 50-something minute movie done! Then Richard stays true to his nickname by telling Bruce he’s leaving, and he only told everyone he’s staying here to avoid a bunch of drama.

Did I mention he has a jacket and motorcycle, and he’s gonna go kill Two face as revenge? Yeah, he’s a walking cliché but….the last part makes him a bit more interesting. Bruce notices Dick’s bike is almost out of gas so he has to stay to fill it up.

After helping him out, Bruce goes to his room to think for a bit and we get an extended flashback of the big moment where his parents die. Even though the one in the ’89 film was good enough. I mean, are they gonna dedicate a whole half of a movie to his backstory? Who would watch that?

This one adds a bit from Thomas and Maratha’s funereal, showing some more of Bruce’s grief. Jokes aside, this well done. It’s another stab at being a more serious film, as Bruce realizes Dick’s backstory is very much like his. And since Batman failing to stop Two Face allowed them to die, Bruce feels personally responsible.

And that is where my reason for liking this film comes in. The entire relationship of Bruce and Dick is done very well. Through this, Dick will become his partner, Robin (spoilers for those who don’t know basic comic stuff) and as the movie progresses, Batman will grow to accept the idea of having a sidekick.

It’s surprisingly deep, and complex for a film with Jim Carey making funny faces. Despite this movie’s reputation, it actually tries to tell an interesting story, not unlike the more serious Batman films. Though I will go into the balance of the tones in the final thoughts, assuming it keeps going this way.

Dick decides to stay for a bit and he talks to Alfred, who notices that Richard’s helmet has a robin on it.

Subtle

Finally brought this back.

Also, his whole circus outfit is almost exactly like the classic Robin costume we all know. That’s actually kind of a clever way to fit it in while also making a MUCH cooler costume that we’ll see later on.

“One day, Robin will fly again”

After an extended car chase with Two Face that night, we cut to his evil liar with his two, for lack of a better word, whores. One has a white outfit, one has a black outfit. They both prepare his “favorite” meal. One of white, fluffy themed, and the other is black, dark themed.

Okay, that’s incredibly stupid.

batman 6

Thankfully, this interception by our 50 minute late interdiction of The Riddler. Naturally, he wants to team up with Two Face so they can kill the bat. Two Face accepts his offer pretty quickly. You know, Tommy Lee Jones isn’t really acting in this scene. He’s just kind of nodding and letting Jim Carey eat the scenery.

He started out trying to out mug Carey but I think Jones realized that is a battle no one can win so he just kind of gave up. I see why , but it’s at this point where Two Face just becomes boring, showing off why we didn’t really need him.

Speaking of mugging, Jim really lets loose her as looks around Two Face’s place.

“It’s so dark, and Gothic!”

No, it’s bright and not Gothic at all.

“Has anyone ever told you, you have a SERIOUS IMPULSE CONTROL PROBLEM?!”

LOUD NOISES!

Riddler tells Two Face his plan to control everyone’s mind with his machine and all that. Two Face is like “Okay” and they go on an epic crime spree. Bruce finds out from PCN that
Riddler is setting up riddles over town and the citizens are calling him the Riddler.

It’s a good thing they name they gave him happens to be his real name or things would be awkward.

Bruce gets another Riddle.

“The eight of us go forth, not back. To protect our king from a foe’s attack”

….I’m sure they will explain later so I can claim I knew it along.

Meanwhile, Edward sells his device, called the Box, to everyone and it’s an instant hit. At least, that is what Plot Convenience News tells me.

“Critics say it turns gothamites into zombies. But that’s what they said when TV was invented”

Still better than Reality TV.

While The Riddler gets smarter thanks to the device, Dick discovers the bat cave, because one old butler makes for terrible security. One abrupt cut later, Bruce talks to Chase, who I have forgotten about by this point.

“My parents were murdered in front of me”

Bruce Wayne: He knows what gets the ladies going.

After some talking, Chase tells Bruce that she finds Batman fascinating….clinically, of course.

“Why does a man do this? It’s as if he’s cursed to pay some great penance.”

I don’t think anyone expected, going into this thing, that stuff like this would pop up. It’s pretty fascinating, even if it would be better explored in Batman Begins. Thankfully, it’s kind of brushed off so we can have some romance.

It’s kind of neat but it’s also a little awkward. I’m not sure how to describe, but it does feel kind of forced. I think it’s because Kidman has the same expression on her face all throughout the film and the way she talks is just odd and it kind of makes lees….genuine, I guess. A bit overly sultry, I think.

Thankfully, Alfred calls up to tell Bruce that Dick has taken the Batmobile for a joy ride. Oh, and at one point he tries to pick women who are on a …street corner. Uh….i thought this movie was kid friendly.

Robin gets out to face some bad guys are doing bad guy things.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Batman”

Nice try, but it only works with the Christian Bale voice. He tries to stop what can only be described as Neon clowns, but they over power him. But thankfully, Batman shows up to save him.

He’s still a bit upset over the whole “Batman didn’t save his parents” thing and when Bats take him home, Dick talks about how he really wants to take down Two Face. He even says that if they take him down, he wants to kill him

Bruce rightfully tells him that Dick’s pain will only grow if he takes a life.

“You don’t understand, your family wasn’t killed by a maniac”

“Yes, they were”

The fact that they acknowledge the events of the 89 films makes the entire tone shift even weirder. Dick says he wants to be Batman’s sidekick, but he is shot down.

We abruptly cut to later, as Bruce, Chase, and Dick attend a gala hosted by Edward, which means this will end well. Edward brags about how he has outdone Bruce in every way with his new found success.

This plot point would work better if the whole “Edward gets rich” thing wasn’t so rushed. Seriously, it went just as fast as I described it earlier. He presents an upgraded version of his device, which is a virtual reality thingy.

“How do you create these images?”

He’s god. Wait, wrong Jim Carey movie. Wait, Morgan Freeman is in Bruce Almighty, and he’s also in another Batman film. ….Weird.

Bruce asks this lady Edward is with how the machine is turned off, and she pulls some green dildo out of it which shuts it down. Bruce then goes backstage to so if he can study it a bit, and then the lady puts the green thing back in.

Truly, he is the THE WORLD’S GREATEST DETECTIVE.

The thing starts to control Bruce, but it is interrupted when Two Face comes in with his goons to cause havoc. Wait, so is Two Face not aware that Edward=Riddler? Cuz that would have been a good thing to tell him so this doesn’t happen!

Oh, he is because they talk and Two Face says he’s sick of waiting for Riddler to get Batman. Who knew a villain could be such a dick?

“Least you could have done was let me in on the caper”

Exactly!

Thankfully, Bruce has super speed, because he is able to go home, put on the bat suit, and come here as Batman by the time their conversation is over. One decent enough action scene later, Batman is saved by none other than Dick in that circus outfit.

A bit later in the bat cave, Bruce is pissed though Dick is just worried about his sidekick name.

“Batboy, nightwing, anything”

Okay, that was a cute reference.

“How about Dick Grayson, College student?”

He technically just called him a dick. Bruce can’t accept the idea of having a sidekick, so Dick storms off. Then the conversation with Alfred turns to one about Chase.

“I’ve never been in love before”

Well, the fans of the previous pairings are pissed now.

That night, Batman shows up at Chase’s place, and she is so happy that she forgot to ask Batman how he knew where she lived! Instead, she shoots him down because she found someone else.

Wow, a hot chick just turned down Batman. Now I’ve seen everything.

Batman leaves and we cut to him and Dick in the bat-cave, as Bruce tells him that Batman is no more. There quite a few reasons for this, but the important thing is that he tries to tell Dick just why this vigilantism/revenge is a bad idea, but Dick still wants to kill Two Face.

Riddle me this Batman Returns fans: Did it ever have actual story lines and themes like this? Or at least an actual story?

Bruce has Chase over for dinner that night, so he can tell her that he is Batman. Also, it’s Halloween so now I can add this my list of Halloween movies to watch., Hey, if Returns can be a Christmas movie…

Suddenly, Bruce has more flashbacks about his parents death He finally comes clean to Chase about his repressed memories. During the funereal, he saw this journal his father wrote in and then ran outside to escape the pain and he somehow fell into a cave.

In the dark cave, he saw a bat.

“I was scared at first, but only at first”

Great writing!

It’s there where he got the idea to become Batman, getting revenge so what happened to him will never happen again. Now this is pretty interesting. We really get a look into why he does what he does, and again, we see the whole “Revenge” theme, as well as the Dual identities theme.

Again, no one ever talks about THIS stuff, only the bat nipples.

In a scene I skipped, Riddler uses the bit from Bruce’s mind he got from the machine to find out he is Batman. So he and Two Face storm Wayne Manor because again, one butler is not good security.

Riddler trashes the bat cave, and there’s a bit where he grabs his crotch, complete with a cartoon sound effect. I mention this because it’s another infamous moment people remember instead of the good parts.

“Joygasam!”

I did not need to hear that.

Because Bruce now suddenly sucks, they knock him out. He wakes up later only for Alfred to inform him that the bad guys took Chase, Dick ran away, and the bat cave is destroyed. Two Face almost killed Bruce, but Riddler said he if does they won’t “learn nothing”, whatever that means.

With the “strong women suddenly becomes a damsel” cliché now in place, Bruce tries to figure out a riddle that Riddler left him.

“We’re five items of an everyday sort. You’ll find us all in a Tennis court.”

Uh…

“Vowels”

…It makes sense in contest, but I still knew that!

.Bruce figures out that all the riddles had a number: 13, 1, 8, 5. They connect it to letters of the Alphabet: MAHE. They think and 1 and 8 are 18 so that would be r. So that would be MR E.

“Mr. E.”

“Mystery”

“Another name for mystery?”

“Enigma!”

“Mr e nigma. Edward Nigma”

Ding ding ding!

This is actually pretty clever. I like this one adds more of the detective element that the other films were missing. That’s part of why I like the Riddler, and I wish we had more of these riddles.

So with that, Bruce dons the only bat suit left, which is a weird un-tested prototype. Sadly, this is the silly, dumb, bulky outfit you know from B&R. Complete with a..

batman 7

Bat ass. Yeah, this is understandably infamous. .Speaking of outfits, Dick finally shows up as Robin, but in a new outfit.

batman 8
Eh, even though it follows the dumb style of Batman’s suit (down to the nipples), I kind of like it. The actor does kind of make it badass and it’s much easier to take seriously than the old Robin outfit. So yeah, I like it.

With nothing left to lose, Bruce finally accepts Dick as his partner. It was a tad rushed but it’s still done well. So the two head off on a water jet thingy because I guess they felt it like. Two Face and Riddler use an amusing battleship set up to take them down.

“You sunk my battleship!”

Still more faithful than the actual Battleship movie. Speaking of references…

“Holy rusted metal, Batman”

Eh, it was kind of cute.

By the way, he said that because they ended crash landing and I think their metal jet thingy started rusting. Oh, and it has holes it and thus it is Wholey, and that is what he meant. Okay, it’s still cute.

The two reach the baddies and Robin finally gets to take down Two Face. He even starts to fall off his cliff. Sorry I skipped the whole “they are on a high thingy” part but for some reason there’s a bunch of green fog and stuff combined with dark lighting, so I have no idea what is going on.

Robin has the perfect chance to kill him….but ultimately he doesn’t take it and he lifts Two Face up instead. Then Two Face pulls a gun on hi. Okay, maybe killing him would have been a better idea.

A bit after that, Batman faces Riddler and Two Face, as the former has gotten so smart from the wave thingys, that he can read minds, because no one said this film was realistic.

“If knowledge is power, than a god am I!”

He says the I in a very deep, odd manner.

“Was that over the top?”

….Nah!

Riddler says he read Batman’s read, which is the “greatest riddle of all”

“Can Batman and Robin truly coexist? We’ll find out today!”

Same Batman, same Bat-…wait…

He reveals he has both Chase and Robin captured. He’s gonna put them both in danger, and Batman can only save one. However, Batman has a riddle for him.

“I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?”

A bat.

“Please, you’re as blind as a bat!”

“Exactly”

Hah, I got it that time!

Batman takes down Riddler’s machine and to make one long action scene short, he saves Robin and Chase. They encounter Two Face, who falls down some pit and dies. Well, Robin didn’t kill him so there is that.

Riddler looks at all this damage, wondering how the hell Batman does it. Batman tells him that he is Bruce Wayne and Batman, because he chooses to be, not because he has to be. Edward starts screaming and he is taken to none other than Arkahm Asylum.

We cut to the place later on, as Chase is told by Dr Burton (SUBTLE) that Edward has been screaming about how he knows Batman’s identity. Chase asks him who he but it turns out Edward is just crazy, saying he’s Batman.

Chase goes outside and tells Bruce that his secret is safe, since Edward is crazy. Then the two finally kiss and Alfred watches like a old perv. And so we end on an epic shot of Batman and Robin running towards the screen with the bat signal behind them.

Yeah, even a 1 Hour 52 minute movie can have an abrupt ending. The climax still worked….fine I guess, and they wrapped up a couple things okay but I’ll address that….now. Also, the credits say one of Two Face’s whores was played by Drew Barrymore. Huh.

Final Thoughts:

Now that I’ve seen the entire film, I can safely say this is the most underrated Batman film ever. Even Sub Zero is getting more attention now. It’s not nearly as good as the ’89 film or the Nolan trilogy, but it has it’s own charm,.

For one, I really like the story, because, it’s actually a story. At times, it can be a bit silly and simple (See Riddler’s plan) but the entire dilemma with Batman is well done. Both he and Robin have to deal with their past, and how it effects them. This film provides some interesting themes.

Part of it is a story about revenge, and how it’s not always the best choice. The other part is a story about identities. Two Face has …well two faces now, he and took the wrong choice, to get revenge on Batman, and look what happened. Batman has a s3ecret identity, and he has to think about how it effects other and all that.

Chase’s entire deal with being a psychiatrist and loving Batman for his mental issues, tie into this fairly well. The themes are very interesting and it makes for a mostly riveting story. And through this we get some decent characters.

Batman is done well, and like I said, he has some interesting things to go through and I think this one was the better interpretations of the character in a light hearted take. Val Kilmer proves to be an underrated Batman, showing off the detective aspect especially well.

Robin has always been kind of a goofy, stereotypical sidekick who always needs to be saved, but this film changes that. He has a tragic backstory that leads him to wanting revenge, and wanting to be a hero like Batman. At times he can seem a bit too “hip” and whiny but he overall stands as a decent character, and Chris manages to help make him good. He even makes the costume work!

Yeah, he has to get saved in the end but….eh, I can roll with that. The villains are bit of a mix. The Riddler is a lot of fun at times and I like his backstory, as it, once again fuels the whole revenge theme. Though he could have been written a better in some spots.

Two Face, however, is kind of lame. Some of the themes with him work but the character itself is just weak. Poor Tommy Lee Jones is upstaged by Jim Carey so he’s forced to do nothing for most of the film. I don’t know, he just fell flat for me.

I’m a little mixed on Chase, and the romance itself. It gives us some interesting themes, making her more interesting than some other love interests. But she herself ends up being kind of boring in the end. The romance itself just kind of felt pointless and the film would have been better with out it.

On the bright side, she is hot.

Now for the more substantial negatives. The story can a bit messy at times, with a few pointless moments and all that. Some people say this film is mess, and there are minor points where it feels like that but overall, it makes way more sense than Batman Returns. (I’ll get to that in a sec)

The look of the film doesn’t do much for me. The action scenes are shot too close so it’s hard to make out what is going on, and the lighting sometimes makes the film look cheap. The CG is awful and the props look like toys at times.

This film has a reputation for being “dumbed down” and silly. As you saw with the themes, it’s far from “Dumb” but it it is silly with the look and the villains performances. I think the writers were trying to find a decent balance, to make it appeal to both crowds.

However, it didn’t work for some because the look and all that overshadowed everything for them. I think that is unfair as it only comes distracted me. Though it does show why this film would have worked better with a darker tone.

As it stands though, it’s a flawed but decent Batman flick. I know some people love Batman Returns but I still feel it was a disjointed, confusing, mess with no story, while this actually interesting themes and story arcs going on.

On top of that, Batman actually does things in this movie and it feels like his story. Thus, it’s a BATMAN movie. Returns didn’t do that until the 3rd act and even then it was messy. Now, I still don’t hate Returns as it’s incredibly entertaining for how odd it it and I actually recommend you watch it if you haven’t.

At least that film looked great and has great acting all around. But I still think this movie is a better overall film and it is vastly underrated. If you still hate it, that’s perfectly fine. At least we can all agree Batman and Robin sucks, right?

….Okay, I’ve never seen B&R but maybe I will change that once I’m done here. I’m pretty curious about it. Either that, this is a decent film with a solid story, even if it is flawed. It’s the film we deserve, AND the one we need right now.

Grade: B+

So that’s for this movie. Next time, we’re jumping ahead a few years to go on a trip to a country known for bad rip offs, but perhaps you’ll see that it has more to offer.

See ya.

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A Talking Cat!?!

I can has crappy movie?

I can has crappy movie?

Hello, Dr Doofenshmirtz here!

And I’m Major Monogram!

Yes, I am back for-wait wait stop the Earth. Monogram? What are you doing here?

Well, as you know, two years ago you got into this kids computer to post a review of My Little Pony: The Movie. I don’t know where you were last year, but I figured you would try again this year. So I came here to stop you!

…Yeah I know, I was there. I did it.

I wasn’t taking to you, I was talking to them!

….Okay. Well, sorry for the interruption my readers. Since I took over this blog 2 years ago, I thought I would do it again!

Um, Doof, I was in the middle of getting rid of you.

Yeah, no. I’m here to stay!

Doof, this isn’t even evil. You’re taking over an 18 year old kid’s blog. Though I suppose it is a step up from your usual plans.

Oh come on, insulting a whale’s Macaroni recipe was my most evil fe-okay, you’re right. How about we make a comprise?

What do you mean?

Well, I want to be here spreading my evil. You want me out. Why don’t we….do the review together?

Us? Work together? That has never happened….except for the like….2 times it did happen.

What do you say? I can make the crazy skeptical one, and you be the grounded, optimistic one. If all goes well, we can have our sitcom!

…No.

No to the review, or no to the sitcom?


Sitcom.

Does that mean you want to do the review?!

….Fine. Today is a slow day anyway. I guess reviewing a movie could be fun.

Yes! Are you ready to go over a movie chronologically while we are next to each other at a computer?

None of this makes any sense.

My neemsies is a Platypus. This is normal by comparassion.

True. So what movie are we reviewing?

Well, it’s the movie this kid had on his schedule. I did some research and apparently it’s one of those low budget Direct to DVD flicks that grandmothers get their kids, thinking it’s a real movie. Seriously, you have no idea how many times I rented a movie, back when that was a thing, for Vanessa thinking it’s going to be good, and instead it’s a low budget poop fest with no logic whatsoever.

Oh, you mean like those silly movies with animals being in very unanimal like situations

I know, those are so stupid!

You would never catch me with an animal doing things animals don’t do! ….Wait.

Well, it’s too bad this movie falls until that cateorgy. Appearntly, the director keeps making movies in his house for 5 bucks. Including some….rather…..adult fare.

…..And this is a children’s film?

Yep.

….Let’s just start the movie.

Okay, then.

This, is A Talking Cat!?!

Wait, is that the title?

Yep. The director must think putting question makes and exclamation points makes your title more exciting. I think I’ll name my upcoming film “The Amazing Scientest who takes over the tri state area?!?”.

….Just press play.

DOOF: The movie opens with some shots of the woods with some annoying repetitive music. I hope we don’t hear more of that. This cat pops up and he starts talking.

“I like the woods. I always have”

MONOGRAM: Wait, what’s up with his voice? He sounds like me when I get up on the wrong side of the bed.

DOOF: Yeah, I mean he sounds like a tired Eric Roberts, and I think he recorded this in an airport bathroom, because that’s what it sounds like!

MONOGRAM: Aren’t children’s movie animal supposed to sound wacky or….invested?

DOOF: Not this one, I guess.

“People nowadays are way too concerned with their shiny tiny beeping machines”

DOOF: Okay, that, I agree with.

MONOGRAM: Says someone who uses beeping machines every day

DOOF: It’s for work, it’s totally different.

MONOGRAM: After the cat finishes “talking”, we get the opening credits which consist of the cat doing adorable things.

DOOF: And if that’s not enough for you, have a ton of filters over this footage! Still not enough? How about more repetitive music?

MONOGRAM: I don’t know, it’s kind of catchy. I just hope they don’t overdo it.

DOOF: After what feels like forever, the film really starts with a middle aged Dad walking into his house. I don’t know about you, but I am wowed by the excitement of A Talking Cat?!?

MONOGRAM: And what is with his house? It’s not only huge, but it has a small car….thing in it, and he has what looks a coat rack with red boots.

“That is thing is hideous. What was I thinking?”

DOOF: My thoughts exactly.

MONOGRAM: He talks to his teenage son and he tells him his company has been sold, and he has enough money to retire. As someone who is well over his age, I can tell you that if you ever have a son, you will never retire until he’s dead ….Not that I know from experience.

DOOF: After Every teenage boy ever finishes talking with his Dad, he goes upstairs. And we see every single second of his journey up the stairs!

MONGRAM: I haven’t made a movie in awhile, but I’m pretty sure we use cuts to skip over these parts.

DOOF: ….In awhile?

MONOGRAM: It’s a long story.

DOOF: Chris gets a call from his love interest-i mean some girl. She says her teacher suggested he tutor her, and she somehow got his number.

“Uh yeah, he mentioned that thing with the me tutoring of you, uh…yeah”

MONOGRAM: Wow, this is the most awkward kid ever.

DOOF: I know, he speaks like a foreign person who will never understand English.

MONOGRAM: She’s tutoring him in English, and I can see why.

“I’m good at English”

“Are you sure?”

BOTH: Exactly!

“I am so lame”

DOOF: Refer to our previous statement.

MONOGRAM: The cat pops up and Chris drops everything he’s doing to figure out the mystery of the appearing cat.

DOOF: And then he just talks to his Dad about girls, like nothing happened. I would complain but the idea of Chris talking about girls is too scary for me to think anymore thoughts.

MONOGRAM: Then they see the cat again, make a deal out of it….and drop it again.

DOOF: Can this movie focus on something for more than 5 seconds?

MONOGRAM: Our goldfish agents have better attention spans!

DOOF: So we leave one awkward family for another, as we meet a girl named Tina who apparently begs her Mom to go to Business School. Like all teenage girls!

MONOGRAM: She is joined by her equally annoying underachieving jerk brother.

“At least I have direction and purpose”

DOOF: Unlike this movie.

“If you had a personality, you might have a future”

MONOGRAM: Oh, he’s got you there.

“I hate you Trent”

DOOF: Did I zap everyone in this movie with an Awkward inator or something?

MONOGRAM: What kind of use would an “Awkward” inator have?

DOOF: Oh, it’s tomorrow’s plan. Don’t ask, it’s a long backstory.

“Can you give it a rest and find my shoes, or I won’t feed you this week”

DOOF: You sound like my mother!

MONOGRAM: ….I really pity you sometimes.

DOOF: The cat pops up again and vanishes just as quickly.

MONOGRAM: He must be on a stealth mission. Could be one of our agents.

DOOF: I hope all your agents aren’t like him. I don’t want to deal with A Talking Platypus?!?

“I’m Duffy and I’m a human whispering”

DOOF: Duffy? Come on, that’s not even alliterative!

MONOGRAM: Back with Chris, his lady friend is coming to visit, and tells Dad to stay out of the way.

“So you don’t want your old man to mess up your girl time?”

“Gross”

DOOF: Yeah, that would my reaction, too.

MONOGRAM: The cat comes back, the very next day, with his failed attempts at snarking.

DOOF: And apparently he’s Garfield because he’s only talked in his mind so far.

MONOGRAM: After that, Chris’ girl shows up.

“Does it always smell like waffles?”

DOOF: Context won’t help that one.

MONOGRAM: They head outside and the girl notices the catalogers

“I don’t know what he’s doing here”

“I heard that!”

DOOF: To be fair, I still don’t know what he’s doing here either.

“I like cats”

“And Cats like you too, Mmhmm”

BOTH: Uh…..No comment.

“So you don’t read at all?”

“Why? When there’s movies and TV”

DOOF: Wow, this girl is an airhead.

MONOGRAM: I don’t really understand what is even going on right now. I’m not exactly a film critic but I know some really awkward dialogue when I see it!

DOOF: Hey, didn’t I say earlier you would be the grounded, optimistic one? So far, you’ve been like anyone who would review this movie.

MONOGRAM: That’s what it does to you.

DOOF:…Okay then.

“You could explain to me what’s going on in the books while I swim in your pool”

DOOF: A few of years of dealing with Vanessa have taught me that every Study Date leaves out the study part, but she’s not even being subtle here!

“What the heck, cat?”

“Don’t look at me. I might be here you humans but explain your irrational behavior is beyond me”

MONOGRAM: Okay, that was funny.

DOOF: After striking out due to his sheer awkward-ness, he sulks in his room for a second.

“That was horrible”

MONOGRAM: We are right there with you.

DOOF: The girl leaves for no reason, as does the Cat. He goes back to Chris’ Dad’s place and he spots the cat on his couch.

“That sure was random!”

MONOGRAM: You should have said that 10 minutes ago when random things in this film surprised me.

DOOF: Dad gets Duffy something to eat and we cut back to that other girl with the horrible Mom. What follows is more awkward sibling bickering that makes me glad Roger didn’t talk to me that much.

MONOGRAM: Then the girls talks on the phone, and because we don’t see the other person, we hear say “I know” a lot.

DOOF: Once again, the excitement of A Talking Cat?!?

MONOGRAM: And it’s at this point, 24 minutes in, that the cat actually talks.

“Read your beeping machine”

DOOF: And of course, he has the worst lip movements ever. I can’t even call them that, because that requires actually movement!

MONOGRAM: It’s just a small black hole in his mouth that just kind of moves a bit.

DOOF: Man, even my home movies had better effects!

MONOGRAM: Your home….actually, I don’t want to know.

“You’re a cat”

DOOF: Really? I thought he was a dog.

“I can only speak to you once. It’s the rules”

MONOGRAM: Who makes these rules?

DOOF: And what does he mean by once? Can he just talk to her in one sitting for hours and it’ll still be the one time, or what?

MONOGRAM: He tells her to look at her computer but instead she freaks out and tells Mom the cat was talking to her.

“He was talking to me. Words, sentences, language…”

DOOF: Thanks for telling us what talking is!

MONOGRAM: Her daughter is telling her about A Talking Cat?!?! but she just brushes it off and asks where Trent is.

DOOF: She thinks Trent did it, for some reason, and goes out to talk to him.

“A Talking Cat? That’s just stupid. That’s the best you could come up with?”

DOOF: I know, what’s next, a secret agent platypus?

“I doesn’t even make sense”

DOOF: …Yes, it does. It’s a talking cat. What part of that don’t you get?

MONOGRAM: She goes on her computer and sees an article talking about Phil, Chris’ Dad, retiring from his company.

DOOF: Wait, if the cat just wanted her to find this, couldn’t he have told her himself? You can talk, use that power!

MONOGRAM: Speaking of talk, the cat visits Phil and tells him to take a walk into the woods.

“Why are you talking?”

“Because I have one chance to, and I thought now might be good”

“You can talk….but only once?”

“I don’t make the rules”

DOOF: Why not use this chance to explain what your overall plan is so they won’t ask stupid questions?

MONOGRAM: He tells Chris about the talking cat!?! but he doesn’t believe him.

“A cat can’t go sir crazy after just one day. Huh?”

“Short answer yes. Long answer, yes”

DOOF: Those are both the same answer, you stupid kid!

MONOGRAM: The next morning, Phil gets ready to start a new life.

“Phil 2.0”

DOOF: Now with new kung fu grip!

“And i’m gonna stop talking to straw cats, because that makes no sense at all”

DOOF: It’s as much sense as two young boys building a rollercoaster, but we all know that will never happen!

MONOGRAM: ….I’ll keep my mouth shout.

DOOF: Phil goes on that walk in the woods while Duffy meets up with Trent.

“What’s up with you, Cat?”

“I’m a TALKING cat”

DOOF: No, you’re a talking cat!?!?. Get it right!

“There’s a collar my old owners gave me, buried under a magical tree….that collar lets me help people”

MONOGRAM: How? Does it let you talk? Because you talk just fine without it.

DOOF: Why is it that a movie with a plot so simple can make so little sense?

MONOGRAM: And that’s coming from a guy has spent a few years as a lawn gnome.

DOOF: Oh, thanks for opening up that wound.

MONOGRAM: You’re welcome!

“That’s crazy!”

“What’s crazy about it?”

“You’re a cat”

‘You’re a human”

DOOF: I’m an evil scientist. I’m glad we got that covered!

MONOGRAM: Then they talk about Tina has her future planned out, and Trent is a freeloading jerk.

“The destination doesn’t matter, as long as you enjoy the journey”

“What does it mean?”

“Don’t know. Heard it on TV once”

DOOF: Oops, they spliced in audio from the director’s commentary by mistake.

MONOGRAM: After they finish talking, Phil bumps into Tina’s Mom.

DOOF: The two hit it off, starting an amazingly awkward….romance?

“I have two kids the same age. They’re a little bit of a handful, but they’re good kids.”

DOOF: Yes, one who lashes at her brother at every turn, and one who is an idiot. Good kids!

MONOGRAM: See, this is why I currently don’t have kids.

DOOF: …Currently?

MONOGRAM: Don’t ask, it’s a long story.

“I live in place that has somebody ‘ taste. That taste is pretty awful”

DOOF: I could say the same thing about the writer.

“I look like something the cat dragged in”

BOTH: BOOOOOO!

DOOF: After that, Phil returns to Chris.

“i just took a walk”

“To Mordoor?”

MONOGRAM: Isn’t there a rule about referencing a better movie in your bad movie?

DOOF: Come on, this is much better than those silly fantasy epics! Did that have A talking Cat!?!

MONOGRAM: Quiet you.

DOOF: Franny returns for more torturing but after only a few minutes, she wants to go swimming.

MONOGRAM: This girl has a very poor attention span.

DOOF: Exactly, not at all like-oh look a shiny thing!

“Hamlet is about a guy who can’t see the obvious even though it’s staring him right in the face”

MONOGRAM: Hey, do you think she’s pretending to be dumb in order to get close to him, romantically!

DOOF: Nah, that’s way too predictable. Not at all like this movie.

MONOGRAM: Chris can’t swim so he sits outside until Duffy rears his ugly head.

DOOF: Naturally, Chris doesn’t react to a talking Cat!?! and instead just goes on about his problems. He even moves on to his Daddy issues.

“We have nothing in common”

“You both talked to a cat, didn’t you?”

DOOF: Me and Monobrow both talk to a platypus. Does that make us besties?

MONOGRAM: Seriously, Monobrow again?

DOOF: It’s a classic!

“Do you think Franny likes me?”

MONOGRAM: Duffy runs off, because even he wants no part in this.

DOOF: That day, I mean night, Tina’s Mom tells her kids she has to make cheese puffs for some company, and that means good pay.

MONOGRAM: Knowing this movie, the cheese puffs will talk too.

DOOF: Please, that’s like if cheese puffs were aliens. And that makes no sense!

MONOGRAM: Hey, crazier things have happened.

DOOF: Yeah, like me stopping the movie mid-review!

MONOGRAM: ….What?

DOOF: What, did you really think we could make it through this entire movie in one guy when I have better things to do with my time?

MONOGRAM: But you did this last time!

DOOF: No , I didn’t! That was the end of the movie!

MONOGRAM: ….Okay, can you at least tell me how this film ends?

DOOF: Well, I skipped ahead, and the two family hang out together and then Duffy gets hit by a car and dies. The end!

MONOGRAM: ….Are you sure that is how it ends?

DOOF: Yeah, it has a really dark ending!

MONOGRAM: ….Let’s just do our final thoughts. I thought it was-

DOOF: It was a master piece!

MONOGRAM: Huh?

DOOF: Yeah! It’s clear this was an evil experiment made to stop kids from watching a movie ever again! And thus, all kids movies will bomb and there will be no more lame kid’s movies! It’s a brilliant scheme! And for that, give it an A+++-+!

MONOGRAM: …I will never understand you, Doof.

DOOF: Oh, I’ll guess you thought a poorly directed, badly writen, awkwardly acted piece of garbage, right?

MONOGRAM: Well, yea-

DOOF: No one cares what you think!

MONOGRAM: ….Except the readers at home.

DOOF: Please, everyone knows I’m the popular one! You only have a fanbase with 40 year old women shippiung you with Carl.

MONOGRAM: ….I hate you.

DOOF: The sky is blue. I can state the obvious too.

MONOGRAM: This review was the strangest mix of fun and frustation I’ve ever expeinced.

DOOF: I loved every minute of it.

MONOGRAM: Of course you did.

DOOF: Wanna do this again? I have some other classic from the director, like an Easter bu-and he’s already gone. Well,…..forget you too!

So uh….how’s the weather?

THE END.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

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Toon’d Out Month 3: The Smurfs 2

Smurf Harder

Smurf Harder


Hello, Spongey here, and welcome to the grand finale of Toon’d Out Month 3!

Yeah, the ASCII monster that ate the So the Drama review came back and ate the Josie and the Pussycats review. If you remember, I opened that review only for it to be replaced by ASCII bullshit.

Why? No idea. It happened to 2 other posts I am working on (you’ll know if when they go up) as well, though I wasn’t far into those when it happened. If you go into my twitpic or whatever, you can see pictures of what it looks like.

I was beyond pissed to lose a review slot, but ah well. I only got to see 1 hour of Josie but….i kind of liked that hour! Why? You’ll have to wait until I review it…again, come May or so. Yeah, the movie is too fresh on my mind to type it all again. So hopefully by then I will have forgotten a good chuck of it.

I know you are expecting more of a freak out here but I’ve had a good nights sleep to get over it. I’m pissed I lost what was looking to be a decent review of a decent movie. But we all have to move on.

I’ll discuss the fate of other live action adaptation reviews at the end. For now, let’s finally finish the Toon’d out Month saga with…..a bang? Sort of.

Last year, I reviewed 2011′s The Smurfs. You can read that review if want to know the incredible story of how Sony needed money really badly. Needless to say, I didn’t like it. The story was lame, the characters were boring, and the whole thing was pretty weak.

However, it had some okay jokes and a solid cast, so it saved itself from being awful. But, of course, it made a lot of money, so naturally it needed a 2013 sequel. I was dreading this one, and now I have to watch it.

With a 14 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, it got even worse reviews than the first one. Even on the Box Office front, it was a disappointment. With 71 million domesticity, it didn’t make back it’s 105 million dollar budget Yes, it was able to pull in an extra 276 million overseas, which means it made it’s more back, but compared to the first film (which made over 500 million overall) that kind of sucks.

There isn’t much else to introduce. It has the cast, and director back but the writers changed a bit. By that I mean instead of 4 writers, we have an extra. Yes, this thing has FIVE WRITERS! Even worse, the new one has done stuff like Chicken Run!

So yeah, now hyped for this one. But ,let’s see how better…or worse, it can get.

This, is The Smurfs 2

After 40 seconds of logos, (Ding!), the movie opens with Tom Kane telling us what we already know….when he is interrupted by Smooth Smurf.

“You’re upstaging the narrator!”

Okay, that was funny. By the way, Smooth is voiced by Shaquille O Neal. As if Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad enough..

The Narrator goes on to tell us that a long time ago the evil wizard Gargamel created Smurfette as part of one of his plans. She was evil until Papa turned her good with magic, and thus one of their dear friend was born.

Okay, this is interesting. I don’t know why no one addressed it last time but Smurfette being a former baddy is pretty interesting….even if it will likely go nowhere. By the way, Gargamel creating her makes my comment from last time about him wanting to bang her really creepy.

The narrator’s story is interrupted when Smurfette suddenly comes in, trying to kill them with a “dragon wand”. It’s all a dream. This isn’t fooling me for a second. And guess what? Smurfetee, again voiced by Katy Perry, wakes up from her nightmare.

Sigh, this is gonna suck.

It’s her birthday, and as she tells Papa, voiced by Jonathan Winters, she always has these nightmares on her birthday.

“It makes me wonder who I really am”

Well, this is an already better than the first one cuz the story is far more interesting. By the way, this was sadly the last film role for Winters, as he died a few months before it came out. Yet another good actor dies with a shitty movie as his last role. Wait, didn’t he die only a few days after I reviewed the first one?

….Ouch.

We cut to France, as we find out that between movies, Gargamel (played by Hank Azaria) became a street magician and soon a real magician that did famous magic acts and all that. We even get a flashback to when he was discovered and all that.

I have a lot of questions, but the biggest is about how no one freaked out over the presence of clearly real magic. After that show, he talks to his cat Azrael (Frank Welker). He tells us, I mean him, that he is running low on the Smurf Essence that powers his magic.

Okay, how long has it been since the last one>? I ask because I want to question why he has had enough to use all that magic for this long. It’s been like a year since I last saw the first one so for all I know, they explained why he still has any to start with.

We also find out he recently created his own Smurfs, called “The Naughties” Gee, I wonder how you got so long on essence!

These Smurfs aren’t real smurfs, which is why he can’t use their essence. We have Hackus, voiced by JB Smoove, and Vexy, voiced by Christina Ricci. First Bucky Larson, now this?! The Naughties pop up to mess with Azreal.

“Did we please you father?”

“No”

At least he’s honest.

The reason he said that is because they are not real smurfs, and are thus failed experiments. It’s not a good idea to say that to 2 little people that can kick your ass.

We abruptly cut to Smurf village, as everyone is getting ready for Smurfette’s birthday party. By the way, John Oliver is in this scene as “Vanity Smurf”. The casting director on this thing must love wasting talent.

….Or not, because he was the casting director on The Lorax, Yes Man, Men in Black, and of all things, Gravity. This what happens when I actually do research on CASTING DIRECTORS.

Speaking of talent, we have Paul Rebeuns as Jokey Smurfs, and Jeff Foxworthy as Handy Smurf …Okay. Also, we meet Social Smurf, who says something has a lot of likes on Smurfbook. Ugh.

Anyway, Smurfette comes out, but everyone hides the party stuff and tells her they are too busy to hang out with her.

“Everyone forgot my birthday?”

Crap, that cliché? Well, I take back what I said about the story being better. So we cut to the real world, as we once again meet Neil Patrick Harris (I’ll just call him that instead of the character’s name).

We see him at the birthday party of his son, Blue. Man, I hope that kid survives his teen years. Barney is having an okay time until his step father shows up, played by Brendan Gleeson.

If you guessed that his dad is an embarrassment, then yay, you’ve seen another movie! Though here he’s not so much embarrassing as he is a lot of fun for everyone at the party but Dr Horrible.

That is, until he gives a kid a corn dog dipped in peanut oil, and said kid is allergic to peanut. Maybe you should have told them it’s peanut oil first? It’s not exactly common.

We abruptly (I’m sensing a pattern here) cut to Gargamel as he goes over his plan. He’s going to make a portal to smurf village, capture Smurfette, force her to tell him the formula Papa used to turn her blue, turn the Naughties blue, extract their essence, and you guessed it, take over the world.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC: NATRULLY!

Wait, wouldn’t it be easier to use Smurfette’s essence?

“Will that extracting thing hurt?”

“Oh,it’s excruciating…ly painless. It’ll be fun”

Okay, that was funny.

So they go up to the Eiffel tower and use it to create a portal to Smurf village. But the can’t make a human sized portal, so he sends Vexy in to get Smurfette. Back in the Smurf Villag,e Smurfette wonders if she belongs and boom, Vexy pops up.

After putting on a nice act, Vexy reveals herself to be evil and drags Smurfette back with her. Wow, this is all going fast. Does that mean the movie will be over quicker?

Now that he has Smurfette, Gargamel takes her to his place and tells her no one will come to get her because she isn’t a “real” smurf.

“You’re not my father”

Search your heart, you know it to be true!

He tells her that he needs the secret to turning Smurfs blue, so he can, as he says, continue his magic show and never bother the smurfs again. Back in Smurf village, the Smurfs figure out that Smurfette was captured, so Papa makes some crystals that will allow the Smurfs to go get Patrick for help.

Oh,and remember how in the first movie, they mention “Passive aggressive Smurf” in a throwaway line? Well, we actually meet him and he’s voiced by Jimmy Kimmel. He’s only there for a second, but it’s kind of cute to see.

Papa wants to send Brainy, Hefty, and Gusty but thanks to a mistake by Clumsy, he accidentally sends Clumsy, Grouchy, and Vanity. So Papa and the B team head off to the real world, as cut to Dr Blowhole.

He’s still by bugged by his Dad even though the worst thing he did was not know a kid was allergic to peanut butter. Seriously, the cliché is bad as it is, but why is the Dad not really THAT bad? He’s having fun with the son and others, so the only issue is that Neil is a dick.

Well, actually, we find out that Step-Dad sent Barney’s parrot away when he first moved in. Okay, that is dick ish and I see where his hate for Dad stems from but….eh, it’s still a little lame.

Then the Smurfs abruptly pop in for some WACKY ANTICS. Eventually, things calm down and Step Dad is introduced to the Smurfs. Yes, he handles the presence of little blue people very well. Of course.

They tell Barney what the problem is, and he says he knows that Gargamel is a big star, and that he’s in Paris. So he knew that an evil wizard for running around and he didn’t do anything?

With that, they plan to go off to Paris. Yes, they decide to just drop everything and go to Paris at a moments notice, and they all the needed funds to do so.

This is such bullshit that even Doogie Howser points it out, but they shoot him down because “Dad always loses”. It’s funny because he’s logical!

So we cut to Paris as they have arrived in record time. Seriously, did they go by map? The gang head to the Gargamel’s next show so they can find Smurfette. They are shocked to see that Gargamel has more power than he was before.

“Holy smurf”

Smurf these puns.

Meanwhile, Neil’s wife heads to Gargamel’s hotel to find his room, incase he has Smurfette there, but the desk guy doesn;t tell her what his room is. Her entire hinged on the guy being an idiot. Okay.

So she has a back up plan: Dress up as a french woman and complain her room because…uh…um…i don’t know. We cut to the next scene before I can tell you what her plan is. But I can tell you the next scene has The Smurfs trying to find Gargamel’s dressing room.

Also, on stage, he does some spells and says this:

“This is what I do to all my critics!”

….Too easy.

Back with Neil’s wife, I think I get her plan. Gargamel is supposedly on the finest floor in the hotel, so she pretended to be a rich lady and tries to find out what floor it is by complaining about her room which she says is meant to be the best. That is both simple and convoluted…but Jama Mays does pull off the look pretty well.

So back with our heroes, Neil’s Step Dad and Blue show up, saying they want to help him. While they argue, Vexy comes up with a plan to get that whole Blue thing from Smurfette:. They will trick her into acting more like them to make her think she’s part of their family, and eventually she will give them the formula.

Which means Smurfette will give in to her evil origins and really question who she is. Hey, that’s pretty interesting! Will they follow up on it? ….Probably not.

So Step Dad goes up on stage and asks Gargamel to give up Smurfette. He then turns Step Dad into a duck. Great plan, genius. After some stuff, Gargamel makes the audience leave, and they don’t question the duck thing.

Back in the dressing room, Smurfette escapes, and of course the Smurfs find the room after she leaves. They find a binder that tells them about Gargamel’s full plan. \

“Total Smurf-gedden”

Now I see why Jake called this the 2nd worst film of 2013. Wait, 2nd? There’s a movie Jake saw that was worse? Oh boy.

Back with Neil, he chews Duck Victor (the step dad) or ruining everything, as usual. Hey, he did go out and face an evil wizard expecting good things to come out of it. Patrick is not being unreasonable.

The Smurfs meet up with Barney,

‘Victor, you look fowl. …Oh yes I did”

I wish you didn’t.

Vexy finds Smurfette, and tells her Papa will never come get her because this is her home now. Then they spot Hackus causing trouble in some shop and Smurfette reluctantly to help save him.

They rescue him but Smurfette helps steal a cart in the process so they can escape. This makes Vexy tells her that she is just like them. As much as I like this concept, it seems like it will just lead to cliché crap. Or WACKY-NESS as that scene proves.

So Neil and The Smurfs head to his hotel room and he tells his wife about the whole duck thing. Victor seems to be taking the whole….being a duck thing in stride, since Papa says it will wear off soon.

“You don’t seem to be too upset about this”

“It’s not in a duck’s nature to be upset”

Unless you tell him it’s Duck season.

“I like to let things roll off my back”

“Did you seriously just say that?”

I don’t get it. It’s not even a pun so why even respond like that?

The Smurfs like it which makes Victor bitch at Neil cuz whatever. After a brief scene of Smurfette and the Naughties riding on birds (okay) we cut to Neil as he bitches to his wife about Victor.

He talks how he’s not his father and whatever, and oh look Victor saw this. Ugh, this entire subplot with Neil is pointless. It also sometimes makes him kind of a dick. I can standing seeing an NPH character sleep with over 200 women, and take over the world with music, but being a dick to his Dad? That is oddly enough where I draw the line.

Neil and the Smurfs head to hotel kitchen in disguise because Gargamel ordered room service and they can get to his room via the tray. So all the wife’s plan did was get them this Elevator key pass….thingy.

. Victor shows up because he thought Neil dropped the Elevator pass key thingy in the hotel room but it turns Victor just brought him their room key. I guess ducks can’t read.

Then a chef shows up and takes Victor the duck, thinking he is part of the meal. Victor yells at the chef but he doesn’t hear him because….reasons. Keep in mind, there was a brief bit where some dude on the street heard victor, so I don’t get it.

The Smurfs end up in Gargamel’s room but they just end up doing some slapstick and almost fall out the window.

“Are you smurfing kidding me?!”

My thoughts exactly.

The Smurfs end up back in the room only to see that Smurfette and the Naughties are not only here, but are having fun together. They call for her through the door (I guess they were on some terrace thingy) but she doesn’t hear them because she is deaf.

Gargamel shows up with a birthday present for Smurfette, and she is pleased to hear he remembered. He tells her that it sucks that Papa has not come for her.

“I remember when my father threw me down the well….for the first time”

Okay, that was funny.

The present is a wand, which Smurfette randomly threatens to use on Gargamel.

“I am your father,. Search your feelings, you know it to be true”

…Smurf you for both making that joke and stealing it from me!

Smurfette indeed does use it on him which makes me wonder if Gargamel has succeed or not. Yes, she has turned bad but she is turning on YOU so….i don’t get it.

PAPA: She’s turning into one of them!

She zaps a mirror she then hits The Smurfs, sending them flying. But who cares about the somewhat interesting plot line when we can join Neil and Victor, after Vicor has freed all the Hotel’s ducks?

“What are you, Martin Luther Wing?”

Booo! Thankfully, they spot the Smurfs falling.

“What the QUACK is that?”

Did the movie just censor itself?

Victor saves them and right after that, he turns back into a human. They tell Neil what happened and after they head back to the hotel, Neil tells the wife that he blames it all on Victor. Eh, I’m not sure about this.

I mean, I guess he distracted you so you couldn’t help The Smurfs but I’m sure Smurfette would be in the position she is without him. Though I at least see where you are coming from this time.

“I want him gone!”

“He’s your dad”

“No, that’s one thing he is not”

Victor is right behind them again. Christ, you had to do that cliché twice?!

Instead of feeling bad, he just bitches at him some more!

“I didn’t ask you to come barging into my life, or marry my mother!”

Or tell me that 9 year long story about how you met her!

Obvious Jokes: 1

Oh shut it, I am not starting a new running gag!

Neil brings up the whole parrot thing again….but Victor tells him that Barney was actually allergic to the parrot. They didn’t want Neil to blame himself for something else after Dad left, so they told him that Victor was allergic.

Okay, a few things.

1. I refuse to believe Neil didn’t know he was allergic to a bird he spent every day with. I simply don’t buy it.

2. They did this to make him feel better, yet all it did was make him feel worse, which makes them idiots.

3. He seriously waited this long to tell him after all this crap?

4. You thought your Dad took the parrot, because he was allergic to it …and you were still mad at him even it makes perfect to take away something that is endangering his health? Okay, you are officially a DICK.

5. Also, if he’s allergic to any bird feathers or any kind, why didn’t he react during this entire duck adventure?

Victor tells him that he tried to give Neil everything, after his real Dad left but clearly Neil does want him and he leaves. Okay, this scene has just rendered this entire movie un-redeemable…and Neil’s character unlikable.

Seriously, I’ve never a movie shoot itself in the foot this bad since that dumbass scene in R.I.P.D, if you remember what I’m talking about. On one hand, Victor was an annoying dumbass.

On the other, Neil is not a completely unlikable dick. Before the last scene’s events, he hadn’t done anything all that awful except for one event that understandable….until you told us he took the parrot for good reasons. From Nel’s POV, the parrot was harming Victor’s health, but really it was harming Neil. The 2nd one is even worse because it shows him as a dumbass who somehow didn’t see that Victor was just helping him this whole time.

Christ, I read a review on TV Tropes complaining about Patrick being a jerk here and I didn’t read on because of spoilers. But now I see what he’s talking about! This entire subplot is cliché, badly written, and makes the only good orginal character from the first unlikable.

This entire movie would be better if Neil Patrick Harris was not in it.
….Oh god, I just said that. See what you made me do, movie?! You made NPH unlikable! That alone is a sin against humanity!

…Okay, I’m good now. Let’s move on. Back with the interesting plot, Gargamel and the gang hang out on a Ferris wheel and Smurfette uses her new magic to make the wheel leave it’s place and roll across the city.

This surely would cause tons of property damage, and land Gargamel’s ass in jail but whatever. Papa talks to Neil about this whole Smurfette and how she is only a Smurf as long as she chooses to be.

“Gargamel just made her, but you made her what she is…..and that’s a pretty special kind of love”

You mean like how your real Dad made you but Victor made you who you are? …Oh god, this entire subplot is pointless parallel to the main plot, isn’t it? Goddammit, it evens the slightly more interesting part of the movie!

Thanks to Neil’s pep talk,. Papa now wants to rescue Smurfette because you never give up on family and blah blah blah.

“Winslow, are you coming with us?”

“Is a Smurf’s butt blue?”

GROUCHY: You tell me!

Smurf this.

Gargamel and the gang head into this secret liar he has where he will start his full plan. While this is going, Neil and the Smurfs head out to stop Gargamel. Also, Victor shows up because Grace, the wife, told him they might need a hand.

Neil abruptly agrees to let hm help, while Smurfette goes back on her agreement to give Gargamel the whole blue formula thing. Suddenly, the Naughties start to faint because they actually can’t live without Smurf essence.

“Father….please”

Holy Smurf, this is dark. Gargamel’s creation are going to flat out DIE, and Smurfette, because she grown to see the “good” in them, has to give him the formula or they die. That….is really interesting!

This is the closets to actually maturity we’ve gotten in this film so far. I really have to give the writers credit for actually trying to give us Adults something to appreciate for once. Though i’m a bit mixed on this bit:

“You’d let us die?”

GARGAMEL: I can always make others.

Wow, what a DICK. Gargamel was always a bad guy but here he’s willing to let his own creations DIE! Jesus, I know he was trying to commit Smurf genocide, but he never felt like this much of a monster!

So she gives him the formula, and he turns the Naughties into real Smurfs. Then he locks them all in a cage so he can move on with his plan. Smurfette figured Gargamel was up to no good, but she gave him the formula anyway so he could save her new friends.

“You sacrificed everything just to save us”

I should point out that during all this, The Naughties talking about how they hate how much of a dick Gargamel is to them and we see they showing some level of actual kindness to Smurfette, even though they original ly planned to just use them. So this actually makes sense.

I’m not 100 percent how to feel here. On one hand, it continues some of the complex stuff I was liking, but it also kind of feels….forced and cliché. But ah well, we’re 78 minutes into a 90 minute movie, so we’re almost done.

Gargamel starts up a machine but it takes out all the power in Paris. Maybe he caused that power outage in my area that delayed this review? …Nah.

He goes outside to do something, and the Smurfs finally arrive to save Smurfette. She tells Papa that she gave up the formula, but he’s proud of her because she saved her new friends.

VEXY: Seriously, you forgive her, just like that?

Yeah, I’m with her….but there’s 10 minutes left and I just this thing to be done sooner.

Smurfette convinces them to help save the Naughties, but Gargamel comes in, captures the other Smurfs, and proceeds to use that machine to zap up their essence or something. Then he uses that essence to make an epic new wand. He calls it Lawanda.

“You get it? Because it’s a wand. It’s very funny. If you weren’t in excruciating pan, you would be laughing hysterically”

Eh, that was kind of funny.

Neil and Victor bust in to stop Gargamel. It doesn’t take long for them to destroy the machine, which makes all Gargamel’s stuff, including the paper with the formula on it, turn into blue dust. I hope he has crappy memory or he will still use the formula again.

“We did it!”

…Yeah, I expected a lame Anti-Climax at this point. Smurfette introduces the newly reformed Vexy and Hackus to Grace and Smurfette meets Blue, who has been largely useless in this movie.

“He’s blue-utiful”

Sigh.

Also, Neil introduces Victor to them as his Dad. Then they hug. Wait, that’s it? They just…kind of teamed and boom, things are cool. Figures a shitty subplot wouldn’t even have a good resolution.

Oh, and here’s an out of context line from Grouchy:

“I ain’t pounding anything!”

And….then Gargamel pops up because he still has his wand. Come on, if you’re gonna have an anti climax, don’t have it be a fake out!

Vexy uses his wand against him, and this sends him flying into the Eiffel tower, where fireworks then set off, sending him into the air.

“That takes care of Gargamel”

Eh, still an Anti-Climax. Even the first one had a decent climax!

So Smurfette uses her new wand she still has to make it so they can all go home (cuz there are only 5 cryyals). Oh, and here’s the moral:

“It doesn’t matter who you came from. All that matters is who you choose to be”

Eh, it fits what I liked about her storyline, though it did kind of end weakly.

So our Smurf heroes go home and they introduce Vexy and Hackus to the other smurfs. They warm up to them pretty easily but whatever.

NARRATOR: So, after waiting patiently to be relevant again, our heroic narrator steps back into the fray in his leading role, to point out that when last we met the entire village was busying itself with preperatios for-

Everyone then starts partying, as it’s still Smurfette’s birthday.

“Do you mind, I’m trying to book end this!”

Okay, that was funny.

So the credits start, over the dance party ending. Yeah, it just kind of ….ends. Not much of a wrap up outside of giving us our message. I would be mad but I expected an abrupt ending at this point.

Also, said credits tell me there 2 exta Smurfs voiced by that kid from Rebound/Under Wraps and Kennan Thompson.. Yes.

Plus, there’s a post credits scene where Gargamel’s sucked into a portal and ends up back at his castle. And…another at the very end where Gargamel and his cat argue. I know this is technically based on a comic but this ain’t Marvel!

Whatever, at least it’s finally over. Feels like a really weak ending after all that. Fitting.

Final Thoughts:

This one was a pretty mixed bag, much like the first one. They are both bad, with some good parts. But here, the bad parts aren’t as annoying, and the good parts are a bit better. But my biggest issue, which you may know by now, is worse than the biggest issue in the first.

I’ll just start with how it is on it’s own. The basic story is kind of interesting to a point, and it gives a few complex ideas, which puts it above any of the Alvin pictures. I like the whole “dying” thing, which gives us some maturaity in an otherwise fluffy project.

On the other hand, that story ends kind of weakly, and the Naughties jut ended up being poorly written in the end. The ideas in this story wee very good, but it’s kind of wasted thanks to some cliches and a rushed ending.

As for the characters in that story, Smurfetee is given a good backstory, and she has the best bits, but she still lacks a true personality of her own. But I will say that Katy Perry has gotten some surprisingly decent acting chops since the last one.

Hackus is stupid, but I did kind of like Vexy has she has some amusing bits, and Ricci is pretty good in the role. Gargamel doesn’t get as much to do on his own here, but Hank Azaria is still great.

The main Smurfs don’t really get anything to do, and a result they don’t shine as much this time. It still sucks that Winters had to die with this as his last role. But the biggest sin in this entire film is Neil’s subplot….which SUCKED.

Not only did it give us the worst cliches in the picture, but they couldn’t write the cliches right! Patrick is rendered unlikable, as he acts like a dick to his Dad for no reason. The Dad himself is unfunny, and that big scene from earlier made it impossible for NPH’s character to be likable.

It’s so bad, that not even his performance (which gives a few okay moments early on) can’t save it. That’s right, for the first time ever, Neil Patrick Harris could not save a bad movie. I’ve seen good actors fail to hold up a crap movie (Everyone in Movie 43) but in all serious-ness, NPH is insanely charming in anything he’s in….and that was not the case here. The subplot itself doesn’t even end well!

It’s abrupt, and Neil never even apologies for what he did! That subplot is useless, badly written, and it renders my 2nd favorite character unlikable. This isn’t me playing up my anger for laughs, this subplot really pissed me off.

It brings down the entire film for me. How is it compared to the first film? Eh, it’s mostly an improvement, as there aren’t as many crappy jokes, and the basic story at least has interesting ideas. The first film just used it’s plot as an excuse for pop culture humor.

On the other hand though, Gargamel’s shtick kind of got old and thanks to that subplot, the other best character is unlikable. It sounds small, but it does make it slightly worse in some ways. But for the most part, it’s mostly on the same level.

They both have some good elements, but are otherwise lame kiddie flicks. I think this one is technically better overall because at least the attempts at being sweet (mostly) work better. I think both films at least sort of try to be good, so that makes them the Chipmunks movies.

It’s still not worth seeing. Yet, in spite of all that, there will be a Smurfs 3. Ugh, just stop. The only way I would see is if it was fully animated, and took place in the village, with no real world crap. Maybe it could be a prequel, explaining how the Smurfs came to be.

But alas, that will never happen..

smurfs 3

….SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Grade: D-

So ends Toon’d Out Month, for good! This was pretty awesome, and I hope you enjoyed this trilogy. In the future, I plan to look at Popeye, Speed Racer, Dudley do Right (If I ever find them), and Josie on the Pussycats. And yes, I will review sequels like Garfield 2, George of the jungle 2, and GI Joe Retaliation.

But until then, that’s the end of my look at live action adaptations. What have we learned? Most suck except the ones that don’t.

Next time, I’ll try to look at something less….foolish.

See ya.

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Toon’d Out Month 3: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

Yabba Dabba Do not want

Yabba Dabba Do not want

Hello, Spongey here. Welcome back to Toon’d Out Month 3!

Today, we got another potentially bad one on our hands. This one happens to be a prequel, which only makes it worse. This is a case where I don’t even need to explain the orginal series, because it’s such a well know series.

So instead of going into the history, I’ll skip the boring parts. We already know The Flintstones, that classic animated series about a “modern stone age family, that did stone age humor before it ironically became as old as the stone age.

The adventures of Fred and some other people captivated people so much that it has gotten several spinoffs and films over the years. So of course, they made a live action film in 1994, with John Goodman as Fred.

It got mixed to negative reactions, with some liking it for the set desisng and faithfulness to the cartoon, with others hating it for the cliché plot and sometimes….odd casting. And by I odd, I mean Rose o Donell as Betty.

Whoever thought was a good choice is crazy.

I myself haven’t seen it, since I figured I didn’t need to see it to review the 2000 prequel with none of the cast. No one asked for it, but we got it anyway. Not only did it bomb, but it also awful reviews, even from those who enjoyed the first film.

I haven’t heard that many good things about this, so I can’t wait to tear it apart. It’s from the same director as the first, and he also did Problem Child 2, Jingle All the way, the previously reviewed Scooby Doo The Mystery begins, and…A Christmas Story 2.

…This is gonna suck.

On the writing front, we have FOUR writers. 2 of them did Surviving Christmas, and the other 2 did, of all things, Top Gun.

So is it this the dreaded prequel that should stay in the stone age, or does it……rock? ….Sorry.

This, is The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

After we see the Univershell (HAW) logo, we cut to ….space, where we see some green aliens in their ship….looking at the Universal logo.

“Did anyone see those letters floating by?”

…Okay, that was funny.

flintstones 1

This CGI nightmare you see before you is Gazoo, played by Alan Cumming, who loves to slum it for a paycheck at this point. His alien buddies banish him to Earth to study their mating rituals.

“Why can’t they reporuce like we do?”

The alien then clones himself and the clone is younger. I…did not see this.

So yeah, aliens in the Flintstones. For all ….none of that don’t know….this was in the series. Some shows have a characters that fans point to as proof that show jumped the shark. Gazoo, is that character.

In the show’s final season, Fred meet an alien from the future that only he and Barney can see. …Yeah, you see why this was the last season. And they felt it was a great idea to put this guy in a movie!

flintstones 2

He is banished to Earth, and we cut to Fred and Barney, played by Mark Addy and Stephen Baldwin, because the studo was too cheap to get talented actors. From the first bit we see, I can tell these guys do piss poor Fred and Barney impressions.

Since this is a prequel, we join Fred and Barney as they currently are trying to get a job at the quarry. They need to study up for some big test but Fred learns that it is today, not tomorrow. Wah wah!

Fred has to practice that whole thing with the construction machine dinosaur …thing, but he screws up and the dinosaur farts. They hit the fart button about….4 minutes in! Sorry guys, but Craig Moss has you beat at less than minute.

Fred passes anyway (and they wonder why Fred was never the best worker ever) and we cut to Wilma at some place with her friends and rich Mom. If you guessed that Wlma doesn’t like the rich lifestyle, and her Mom looks down on the Bedrock life she longs for, then yay, you’ve seen another movie!

flintstones 3
On top of that, Mom wants her to marry some rich guy who will no doubt be a dick later. Well, I just predicted the rest of the plot 7 minutes in. Not a good sign.

Her friends love Chip but Wilma screams at the thought of being anything like Mom. We cut back to Fred and Barney that night, as Fred is sad that he has no one to share his life with. The thing that makes these cliches even worse, is that this is a prequel, so we already know what is going to happen, even more than in a normal movie!

Why did they even do a prequel with this plot? At least Monsters University offered us some fun things to distract us from the cliches, and it even had a 3rd arc twist that was a nice surprise. Somehow, I doubt this movie can pull off the same thing.

“It’s not like something is gonna fall out of the sky, land in front of you, and change your whole life”

I already made the obvious joke a few reviews ago, so I’ll pass.

Of course, Gazoo lands right there and the two are shocked to see a bad CGI alien, like all of us.

“I am the great Gazoo”

He tells Fred and Barney that he is an epic badass from another planet and yes, the cavemen take the talking alien pretty well after a few seconds. They accept that they alien wants to fuck some humans fuck-i mean mate.

Well, actually they try to beat up the little fucker but he has magic powers so they fail. We …abruptly cut to the next day as Wilma goes to the stone age Burger King known as Bronto king.

flintstones 4

Here, we meet a much better cast Betty, who is kind of….not ugly. Because Wilma doesn’t have money on her, and she says she can’t go home, Betty thinks she is caveless. Wilma doesn’t try to explain, which means it will us all in the ass later.

We cut to Fred and Barney about to sleep that night, when the Gazoo appears. Did he just….vanish for a full day when he has “research” to do. He reminds them of his whole mating tihng.

“So…get to it”

A gay joke in a kid’s movie, yay.

“Barney and me don’t um….”

Stop, it wasn’t funny start with.

Another abrupt cut later, Wilma gets a job at Bronto King with Betty, since Better must have have enough power to get a job for someone with no experience. ..Well, it is Burger king, after all.

Fred and Barney arrive there, with the Gazoo, to pick up a girl. Why can’t Gazoo just try to find someone who actually has a girlfriend himself? It would make this movie much shorter, and that is a good thing.

Gazoo tells them that no one can see him but them. Why is that? Never explained, though maybe it was the same in the show, but I never his episodes.

Betty shows up to take their order, and Fred is a tad smitten with her. And…she says yes to date without him even saying a coherent word. I think this is why she isn’t married yet, she says yes any literal drooling caveman!

On top of that, she sets Barney up with Wilma because I should expect the stone age to be pretty primitive when it comes to this kind of stuff. So the next day, they go to the carnival.

By the way, they see a sign advertising “Jurassic Park the ride.

“Who is gonna pay to see Dinosaurs?”

Did I mention Steven Speilberg’s production company helped made this?

Betty laughs, and this gets Barney to fall in love with her .Eh, makes as much as sense as dinosaurs in the stone age. They run off on their own, leaving Fred and Wilma to be paired up.

Okay, I have to mention something that you see in this carnival montage. We see a little girl at a ring toss for a second. That little girl, was an early film role, for….Kristen Stewart.

I am not kidding. Make your own joke here.

…Anyway, Fred plays this bowling game, which only exists to fit in that whole bowling move from the show, and first movie. That and to the fit in the “romantic leads bond when the male has to help the female with something” cliché.

After more stuff, Barney tells Fred some stuff, and then he mentions this about Betty.

“She says we’re gonna to her place, and she’ll make me breakfast. Don’t know what we’re gonna do until then…”

Sex joke? ….If so, than you know the drill.

Fred and Wilma go on a Ferris wheel and have a romantic moment.

“Yours are like two big eyes”

Fred Flinstone: Master Poet.

A few hours later, Fred drops Wilma off at her house, and yeah they have a romantic moment. Pile on the cliches, I don’t care at this point. After a quick romantic montage of both couples, Fred tells Barney about how Wilma might be the one.

After knowing her for all of a few days, naturally.

Wilma and Betty are hanging out at the latter’s place, when Wilma’s mom shows up, rather convenient How did she find her?

“I hired a detective”

…Of course.

As you would expect, Mom isn’t happy about what Wilma is doing, and Wilma bitches at her. Mom tells her this will sadden her father and we abruptly cut to Fred and Barney. By the way, during the carnival scene, Fred happened upon Dino and now he has a pet.

It happened so quickly, it’s like it was forced in to like all prequels force things from the original in!

Anyway, Fred and Barney go to pick up the girls for some party going on that night. Fred tells Barney he will propose to Wilma that night. Again, he’s only known her for a few days! I know this is the stone age, but come on!

So it turns out the party is at Wilma’s family mansion and needless to say, Fred and the others are shocked to find out she is rich. Fred isn’t happy because that means his crummy ring won’t do.

But he is distracted when he finds out what a valet is when John Cho “steals” his “car”. You know, Fltinstones version of a car never made sense to me. To quote the Fairly Odd Parents..

“If cars are powered by feet, shouldn’t we just keep running?”

After Harold leaves, Wilma introduces Fred to her parents. It’s her Dad’s birthday, and he is played by Harvey Korman, in his last film role. Another actor goes out on a bad movie. By the way, in that earlier scene Mom says she doesn’t know how many birthdays are left for him. ….Ouch.

Chip shows up and Fred is not the least bit happy. They try to hit it off but Chip scoffs at Fred’s occupation, like any snooty rich guy. Also, Betty is mad that Wilma lied to her and thus Wilma is sad.

Whatever. ….Hey, ever wondered where wilma got her Pearl necklace? ….No, not that kind you perv. She got it from her Dad who gave it to her for no reason. I’m so glad I know that now!

After that, the party goers have a big dinner. Fred proposes a toast to Wilma and proceeds to make some bad jokes that make people laugh. Then Dino comes in for some WACKY HIJINKS!

Dino makes a mess so of course Fred is banished. Wilma gets pissed at Mom and says Fred’s “people” likes her for who she is and blah blah blah.

BETTY: We’re right behind you Wilma.

And Betty got over Wilma’s lie really quickly Jesus, did the writers even care at this point?

Chip is actually cool with this and invites Wilma and her friends to his casino in Rock Vegas. 1st of all, BAD PUN ALERT . 2Nd,Chip has an evil plan, trust me.

And so a mere 40 minutes in, we’re off to the titular Rock Vegas. After the obligatory Vegas montage, Chip watches Fred and Daphne hug through his security cameras, and says it won’t last. See, told you he has a bad guy.

Also, he has his own whore who is really with, and he’s only trying to hook up with Wilma for the money. Can this guy get any more cliché?

Then two guys named rocky and….Rocco walk in, asking for some money that chip owes. One Rocco is big, and the other is little….and played by the short guy from 30 Nights and Santa Buddies. Goddamnit, why do you pick crappy movies?!

So yeah,.the owner of a big casino is in debt and needs to pay off some other bad guys. With an extra cliché in it’s roster, the movie moves on to Betty and Wilma getting a massage by an octopus voiced by Rose O Donnel.

Of course.

Betty talks about how amazing Barney is and Wilma does the same for Fred. She says he isn’t greedy and we cut to him gambling. Wah wah!

“But she doesn’t want some rich smart handsome guy, she wants you!”

Gazoo comes in becuase the writers forgot about him. He tries to tell Fred about Chip’s plan (which he overheard) and Fred doesn’t get it. Gazoo just leaves instead of outright telling Fred because…..reasons.

Chip shows up and tells red to gamble even more to make more money. Barney tries to warn about this idea, but Chip tells him about a buffet and the hungry dumbass leaves along with some Showgirl that Chip had with him.

Wilma and Betty show up and Fred tells them where Barney is. And Betty walks in on Barney as he’s helping her clean up some pie from her face. And Betty thinks they are together and leaves crying. Jesus, did the writers have a checklist of shitty cliches while writing this script?!

Then a stone age knock off of Mick Jagger comes to talk her…for some reasons. She tells him what happened.

“If you were my girl, I wouldn’t even think of touching another girl….except on the road. On the road doesn’t count”

Eh, that was kind of funny./

So the two go off on their own and Barney sees her going with him and the band. She gets away before he can catch up to her. But Wilma and Fred doesn’t really care cuz they have their own cliches to deal with!

Wilma suggests they go bowling, but Fred says bowling is for poor people. How is there real money with value in the stone age anyway? Wilma gets pissed and runs off. Fred however, is distracted when he sees some dice…game….thing (no idea what to call it) that says it has a million clams.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

Back in Chip’s place, he gloats that Fred has lost Wilma, so he pulls a switch that makes it so Fred loses at the game. 1st of all, how does that even work? 2Nd, maybe shit like this is why you are losing money, dude!

Chip meets with Wilma and puts on a nice act for her. Then he asks her to put her pearl necklace in their safe because robbers are reported to be here. Because Wilma is an idiot, she gives it to him.

Fred loses all his money, so he goes to Chip to ask for something to bet so he can make it back. Chip says he won’t tell Wilma what happened.

“I knew you were a good guy”

“I’m not”

At least he’s honest.

Chip tells Fred he will get rid of his debt but only if Fred leaves forever. You know, this actually inst that bad of a plan. I could nitpick some stuff, but he made it to Wilma thinks Fred sucks so when Fred is kicked out, she won’t mind and thus go to Chip. That actually covers all the bases, as if Chip kicked Fred out before Wilma hated him, she might not want to go for him.

That’s kind of smart. Still cliché but it’s close to being smart.

Fred stupidly tells him that he will tell Wilma about his plan, so Chip tells everyone there has been a robbery, and rips off Titanic by planting Wilma’s necklace in Fred’ pocket. Chip tells everyone there is a criminal here, and we see one guy ask this girl he with how old she said she was.

…You know, for kids?

Then a bunch of people admit they did stuff with like steal towels, and posin the Dinosaurs water supply so that in decades they will be extinct. Okay, that one was funny…until everyone laughed at it, thus explaining the joke.

Chip tells them Wilma’s necklace got stolen and yeah he calls out Fred and he is “caught”. Wilma runs crying but Barney points out that there is no way Fred could get into the safe since he can’t even remember the combination to his bowling locker.

“He can’t even crack his knuckles without my help”

“Thank you Barney Rubble for admitting to being Fred Flintstone’s accomplice. Take him away’”

Because everyone else in this room is an idiot, they cheer as the two are taken away.

Back with Wilma, her Mom tells her that Chip will take her back.

“Chip loves you”

‘Chip loves money”

….But if you don’t trust him, why did you believe hm back there?

Speaking of Chip, Rocco and Rocco still need their money, and they say a little birdy told them he isn’t with Wilma anymore. Then a bird comes out and says he needed the money. That was almost funny until I heard the bird speak in jive. Lolno.

Chip tells them he will marry Wilma tonight and if he doesn’t marry her tonight, he will have to face the consequences.

Fred and Barney are put in Casino Jail (which was a thing in the stone age?) and Gazoo shows up. After Fred tells him how he screwed up, Gazoo says he can’t get them out he is only here to observe. If Gazoo is such a smart ass, why can’t he tell that was banished and thus he can interfere all he wants?

Fred calls him out for being a dick and Gazoo takes pity on them. But then it turns out Barney can get through the bars easily. Well, Gazoo is still pointless then.

They sneak out and visit Betty and Mick Jagger. Barney tells Betty he loves her and explains why he was with the showgirl and yada yada yada. Since Barney has more moves than Jagger (I deeply aplogozie for that joke), she dumps Mick in favor of him. But not in the “you suck” way but in a “i like barney, sorry” way.

Sadly, the cliché still happens as Mick acts like a dick and gets in a fight with Barney. Barney takes him out quickly. Well, was pointless.

Back with Chip, he asks Wilma to marry him but she says no. Then Mick’s band comes out but with Fred singing instead, so he can sing about his love for Wilma. Okay, they had to have had a cliché checklist while writing this stupid script. It’s the only explanation!

No, I won’t do a cliché count again. Not after last time.

Fred apologizes for what he did and go into the whole love speech, about how he can’t give her money but he can give her love and yada yada yada. It took 4 writers to write this crap?

“Wilma, will you marry me?”

Then the Exstinct Dinosaur guy pipes up.,

“Seriously, this is your last chance. Stop me or all the dinosaurs die!”

EVERYONE: Shut up!

Okay, that was funny.

Anyway, since this is a cliché movie, Wilma says yes. Then we cut to their wedding. Wait, isn’t Chip gonna…say anything? Do anything? He’s just not gonna say “marry me or I kill you” thus leading to our cliché climax?

….Well, Chip sucks as a villain.

“Do you, Fred Flintstone, take Wlma slaghoople as your wife, to have and to hold for this day forward?”

“I yabba dabba do”

BOOOOO!

After the most romantic Vegas wedding you’ll ever see, Gazoo pops up and says he understands their complex mating rituals.

“I have to come to the conclusion…that I’ll never have anyone!”

Dino licks him.

“It’ll never work out”

Ew, that’s not even worth an OTP joke.

So with our heroes having a straight old time, they all sing the insanely catchy Flintstones theme that will never leave your head. After the dance party ending, the credits roll.

Wait, what happened to Chip and why was Gazoo in this movie? …Eh, who cares.

Final Thoughts:

Well, that was a perfect example of a movie that didn’t need to exist. I mean, did we gain anything from knowing how Fred and Wilma got together? No, because this movie sucks.,

Admittedly, it’s not awful and the acting and humor are better than Thunderbirds, but that doesn’t excuse this lazy script. The plot is just filled with cliches and plot holes up the wazoo. Yeah ,the cliches serve their purpose but it just shows me why this plot didn’t need to happen in the first place.

I could never get into this romance, because it’s so cliché and at no point did it happen without some screenwriting putting in his own contrived bullshit to make it happen. Unlike Yogi Bear, the charm of the main characters can’t carry this.

The story itself is just lame with one cliché after another. The movie has good moments but the story never gives us one of those moments. I can’t really much else on that front except it was a very dull story.

The characters don’t fare much better but at least no one flat out annoyed me. Fred and Barney are about the same but the cliché script makes it so they have none of their charm. Their actors were weak at first but I got used to them and they are the most tolerable main characters anyway.

The rest are just boring. Wilma gives us the more cliché parts, and her actress sounds a bit too deep at points. Betty’s actress is pretty good (and hot) but she doesn’t really do much in the end and her romance with Barney was lame.

Chip had an okay plan and at times he was amusing but overall, he’s a pretty generic villain. Really, what is there to say about this movie? It’s just really cliché and stupid. It has dumb characters and a lackluster script.

To be honest, I didn’t hate it because the humor and acting didn’t suck that much. It had some lame moments but nothing jumps out as awful. It’s just really cliché. Even Thunderbirds had some bad acting to make it memorable. This is just pointless.

I thought I would have more to say, but I don’t. It’s just a cliché movie that is more boring than painful. I’ll give them credit for staying true to the source materiel, but they needed a better story. I should watch the first one. It has to be better than this.

Grade: D-

Man, that was like 3 bad ones in a row. How about I do one that I know a few people like? Let’s do Speed Racer!

Can’t find it

Darn. Well…what did I find?

Josie-pussycats-2001-movie

…Eh, we’ll see.

See ya.

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Toon’d Out Month 3: Thunderbirds

Thunderbirds are no go.

Thunderbirds are no go.


Thunderbirds is property of Universal Pictures

Hello, Spongey here.

Today, we look at a live action adaptation that is really hated. It’s not exactly well known but I’ve seen plenty of hate for it. How bad is it? Just Ask Mr Coat:

“The sad thing is, a live action Thunderbirds could have actually been a lot of fun, but no. Instead we got this disgusting, putrid pile, of dung beetles!”

…Ouch. What does the original creator say?

“It was the biggest load of crap I have ever seen in my entire life “

…This is gonna suck.

Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Created in 1964 by Gerry Anderson, this was marionette puppet show set in the future as it follows the adventures of the Tracy family, headed by American multi-millionaire philanthropist and ex-lunar astronaut, Jeff Tracy. Unknown to the public, the Tracys are the force behind International Rescue: a top-secret organization, founded and funded by Jeff, which is committed to saving human life when in mortal danger.

I have…never seen it. However, it is very popular, and it is credited with popularizing action shows for kids. Even though it is a puppet series, it counts as a cartoon cuz it ain’t live action.

The creator really wanted to be involved in a live action Thunderbirds film that was being made in 2004. However, the studios, like always, didn’t let him do much. They felt there were enough employees on the payroll acting as part of the creative team

This movie just gets worse the more I hear crap like that.

Anyway, for the director they hired Riker himself, Johnathan Frakes. While he did director Star Trek First contact…he also did Insurrection. On top of that, Writer one directed Garfield. Sure, writer 2 did help write some of the Austin Powers films but I don’t think we need the writer of a film like that to do a Thunderbirds movie.

Not only did this get bad reviews, it bombed at the box office too. The Rotten Tomatoes conesus simply says “Live action cartoon for kids/”.

…This movie is so bad RT can’t even think of a real review for it!

That’s all I got for the intro. Let’s do this.

This, is Thunderbirds

After 49 seconds of logos (Ding!), the film starts with I think is the classic Thunderbirds intro, which is pretty awesome. Even if it’s not the show intro it feels really cool, even if it uses flash animation. It also goes on for like 3 minutes.

Once it ends, the movie actually opens at a school, as we meet a kid named Alan. He shows ff the ‘daydreaming kid drawing in his notebook” cliché, which does not please his teacher.

“I hope you don’t plan on going anywhere for Spring Break, because I expect a 10, 000 word paper on my desk the day you come back”

Wow, what a bitch. I thought teachers only did that in cartoons, not live action versions of cartoons!

Also, when this review comes up, it will be the last day of my spring break. Freaky.

Oh, and check out this part when we cut to Alan at his locker:

“You can take your 10,000 words and stick them right up your-”

You know-for kids!

We find out Alan is a “Thunderbird” and he can’t tell anyone because he isn’t one yet, or we need an excuse for forced cliches. Either one works.

Speaking of the Thunderbirds, we see a news report (cuz schools show Plot Connivance news when it’s time to leave) showing them saving an oil rig or something. We take time out of the plot to see the so not fake ships do stuff in blue lights, or something.

At least,, that is all I could make out. The important part is, the rest of Alan’s family save the day. Alan is then picked up by his hot British chick that works with his Dad. He and his as of yet unnamed friend hop in her manly pink car (which would make the live action He-Man happy) and fly home. It also flies, by the way.

They arrive at their home which on a secret island in the Pacific Ocean. The movie itself hasn’t said it but the trailer, and Wikipedia article bring it up so I’ll mention it.. This films is set in the future, in the FAR OFF YEAR OF….2010.

Yeah.

Alan meets up with his family, including his Dad, played by Bill Paxton, and the team scientist, “Brains”, (subtle), played by Anthony Edwards. They have dinner, complete with awkward banner in which Alan feels left out.

Alan and his friend leave the table and sneak into the team’s ship, the Thunderbird 1, because it isn’t a cliché kid’s movie until our hero disobeys orders!

Even the movie knows that bit is lame, so we cut to Dad and the British Chick as we see that they live on this island along with it’s caretaker. We meet the caretaker’s daughrer, Tintin-

about-tintin-snowy-walking

Pfft, I wish..

thunderbirds

No, I’m talking about the teenage girl Tintin, played by Vanessa Hudgens. Goddammit, it’s sad to her in this thing. Every Disney star has one shitty movie that even I have to shame them of.

Selena Gomez has Getaway, Zac Efron has New Years’ Eve (and That Awkward Moment, based on what I heard), Miley Cyrus has….anything she’s been in, and Brdigit Mendler has Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.

No really, she had a cameo in that.

At least Gabby here has the excuse of going this 2 years before her breakout role. Though Mendler did her film before showing up on Wizards, so there is that.

“Alan’s back? …Oh, Alan’s back!”

You can’t tell but that was some weak acting. I’ll forgive her as this was an early role and I don’t mind her otherwise. Anyway, we find out she is Alan don’t get along cuz Alan isn’t into girls yet.

The cliches are coming together, aren’t they?

Back with Alan and his friend, they are in the ship and to the shock of no one, they start it up by accident. Dad comes in right then to get him before things get nasty. Dad is more than a little pissed at him, which isn’t good for Alan as he found weird green goop on the rocket…ship…thing, thathe wants to tell him about,

“You want to be part of the time? You have to follow the rules”

‘I understand. You don’t want me to be a Thunderbird.. You never listen to me, even when I’m trying to tell you something important!”

“You’re grounded for the rest of Spring Break”

“Dad!]

“You need to grow up”

Oh my god, this movie is gonna suck.,

I mean, I’ve done plenty of cliches films for Toon’d Out Month, but this is just lame! We got the kid who wants to be important, keeps fucking up, gets grounded by his Dad, and on top of that, he found something important but thanks to his studpdity, no one will listen to him.

This is amazing. Thanks to how these cliches are written, I can’t muster up a single fuck to give about these characters Dad is a cliché dick and Alan is an even bigger brat. This is going to suck.

After some pointless bits, we cut to the liar of our main villain The Hood, played by Ben Kingsley. ..Really dude, you had go and do this movie? I know I shouldn’t expect less from anyone who has worked with Uwe Boll, but when your turn as a secret agent frog is a step UP, from this, you’re doing it wrong!

He plans to defeat the Thunderbirds (for reasons I hope will be explained in a bit) by using their need to rescue people against them. They fire a missile at this space station that Alan’s older brother John is on.

The Thunderbirds quickly see this and head up into space. Back on Earth, Tintin tells Alan that Thunderbird 5, the space station has been hit. Oh I’m sorry, I mean she tells THUNDERBIRD 5 HAS BEEN HIT a few times to make sure this goes down as her worst performance.

By the way, Alan’s friend is the son of Brains. I may not know much about the series, but I know Brains did not have a son. The inclusion of one pisses off a lot of people, as you can imagine.

The Hood uses this as his chance to bust into their HQ along with hot female minion, and his black minion. There’s a bit where The Hood looks at a picture of The Thunderbirds, and says this about Jeff.

“Isn’t he the one who lost his wife in an accident?”

…Wow, that was forced.

He uses his mind powers (which he somehow has) to make Brains disable the control system, stranding the Thunderbirds on the space station. The Hood reveals himself to our heroes.

As it turns out, The Hood was this guy that The Thunderbirds failed to save in a mine collapse, in favor of his brother. Said brother is that caretaker who is Tintin’s Dad.

“The Hood…is my uncle?!”

LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

At least we have a motivation, as cliché as it is. You know, the bits with the villain are kind of cool. We have danger, peril, stakes…maybe this movie is gonna get good!

Doubt it.

“I am almost died that day. You may have broken my body, but you have no idea how powerful my mind has become”

Well, that was a lazy way to hand wave his mind powers. I kind of like his motivation, but knowing this kind of movie, I doubt they will go into the deep aspects of it..

Alan, Tintin, and Fermat (who the hell names their kid that?) are hiding but they are discovered.

“Did…You…find…any…children?”

I…an….acting.

The kids easily escape and get into Thunderbird 2 (which will thankfully never happen, thanks to the Box office). But The Hood shows up to tell Alan his Dad is a dick. As he in, he uses Alan’s cliché issues to get him to open the door.

It doesn’t work but The Hood enforces his authority as the villain by coming in anyway. The kids escape again and end up falling into the ocean through some tube thingy.

Like any stupid villain, Hood assumes the kids are dead and goes on with his plan to rob the Bank of London. Naturally, the kids are alive as they wash up on the beach. Fermat suggests they go to the top of this mountain to get to the satellite system, so they can contact Jeff.

However, they must go through the jungle to get there.

“Sounds dangerous. I’m in”

And it’s here it hits you that this film is now Spy Kids, with the professional adults being catapured and our kids needing to become badass and save them. So it’s Spy Kids if it sucked. As in, Spy Kids 4.

Though I can’t see anything being worse than that. We cut to the mansion of Lady Peneople, that british chick ,who has a house so pink it oculd make Sharpay jealous. We see she is-

thunderbirds 2

…Oh my.

I mean, we see her doing research on The Hood while in the bath (like you do), while she talks to her butler. Did I mention she is one of the most stereotypical British people I’ve seen since the parents in Frenemies?

Anyway, she mentions that The Thunderbirds haven’t responded to this other thing, which makes me wonder why she is looking up The Hood if has no idea what happened to the team.

Back with the villains, the black goon has brought out a big drill.

“Subtle as usual”

Okay, that was funny.

They lost the McGuffin that powers their machines, so The Hood guesses the kids took it. Sadly, we must cut back to our kids, whose acting I swear gets worse with each scene. Before Alan and Fermat were okay but now they feel so forced, as they talk about Alan’s crush on Tintin.

A bit after that, the kids find this….fusebox….thingy, that they use to contact Thunderbird 5. Well, that was fast. That took like, what, 8 minutes total?

The kids tell them they will hack into that fusebox thing to give them control of their ship again. But just when things pick up, they lose contact again. Alan is sad about this but the bad guys show up to interrupt.

The goons give chase and Alan starts to help build an escape vechicle, but Fermat and Tintin think they should wait for Lady Penelope to rescue them (cuz Dad told them is being alerted or something).

“I don’t think it’s s-s-s-afe”

“You think anything is s-s—afe”

One awkward pause later…

“Just because I stutter doesn’t mean I’m wrong. If we’re a team, we should make a decisions as a team”

Goddammit, more cliché bullshit The crap writing doesn’t help either!

Alan finishes the hovercraft anyway and they zoom off. Alan ends up going too fast, which makes the other kids fall off and get captured by the bad guys. I could pick on the kids for thinking that waiting to be captured was smarter, or I could bash Alan for being a dumbass. I’ll go with both!

Lady Penelope and her amazingly British butler arrive on the island and start fighting the goons. Yes, the butler gets to kick ass. It’s….kind of amazing, actually. Also, Lady P fights the female which would amazing if I wasn’t kidding about her being hot earlier. She’s actually a tad ugly, and she tried to rape Brains earlier.

I wish I was kidding.

One overly long, cartoon sound effect filled fight later, The Hood stops them with his mind powers and calls out Alan who is hiding behind a bush nearby. Alan comes out to stop and of course his captured.

They are taken to this big freezer where Tintin, Fermat, and some other guys are.

“You need to cool off, lady”

Mr Freeze would be proud.

Alan apologies to Fermat for being a dick and he accepts that apology. And…that’s that, as we move on to Lady P trying to a find a way out. This movie has amazingly deep, drawn out character conflict, doesn’t it?

They escape just Hood leaves in his ship to go rob the bank of London. They contact the Tracy’s and give them control of their ship. With that, our heroes head off to stop The Hood and finally end the movie.

The kids get in the ship and leave. By the way, in the show, apparently there are times where you would see a human hand. So as an homage to that, we see a puppet hand on the thingy as the ship takes off. That’s….actually kind of clever.

The Hood and his gang arrive at the bank in the Thunderbird 2 and they drill to get to the vault, so they can somehow blame the Thunderbirds for this. Never mind that everyone would be stupid for this to work, but wouldn’t it be easier to just go in like a normal villain?

The bad guys leave that ship to get in the drill thingy, and our heroes pop up and go into that ship. I love it when villains are idiots. Our heroes take this chance to save some people who are in immediate danger.

I’d call this pointless, as we have a villain to stop but if they left those people die, that would be kind of dark. Anyway, they save the people just as the Tracy’s come in. Lady P goes in to stop the hood, and holds a gun up to him.

“Don’t me use this little finger to pull this big trigger”

.Sex jokes I Could have made: 1

It took the Hood awhile to captured Lady P earlier, but now she is just stopped in a few seconds. Yay for Dumbasses in distress!

By the way, Jeff says to Alan

“You can’t save everywhere. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, or how brave you are”

If only the Man of Steel haters would get that.

That was a good line, so let’s ruin by having a forced “Sweet” moment where Alan asks Dad what Mom was like and whatever.

The kids head into bad HQ,and Dad is quickly captured. Alan tries to fight Freddie but a kid against a guy with mind control powers? That doesn’t end well.

Alan still tries to climb up to get him but The Hood tries to push Alan into the sharp drill thing. Yikes, the implication alone is kind of dark for a FAMILY picture.

The Hood could use his powers to make Alan flat out go into the drill but that would make too much sense. Instead, The Hood comes close to falling in thanks to Tintin’s mind powers. …Yeah I forgot, there’s a scene earlier where it turns out she kind of got some powers from Uncle, but it never went anywhere until now.

The Hood tempts Alan by telling him to leave him to die like his father did, but unlike Superman, Alan don’t kill him and he saves him. The Hood is taken to jail after that weak climax.

You know, this doesn’t accomplish much. It proves that Alan won’t kill his enemies but doing this doesn’t make The Hood turn around at all. He goes to jail and he’s still bitter. So you may as well have killed him!

Anyway, our heroes head back to the island and Tintin kind of flirts with Alan.

“You’re really….blossoming”

I said that when I saw what she looks like now, if you know what I mean. Dad thanks the kids for saving the day and he finally makes them all Thunderbirds. Everyone hugs it out but Dad gets a call to action.

So all the Thunderbirds, plus Alan head off.

“Thunderbirds are go”

They blast off and roll credits! I’m really used to bad abrupt endings, so I don’t care. Even if makes me asks some questions about this film that I will save for the final thoughts.

Final Thoughts:

This one was pretty weak. I can’t say it’s awful (Sorry Mr coat) but it was fairly bad. It did get slightly better by the end but it still isn’t good. I’m not sure I even have much to say. Even more so than Underdog, it abuses every over used kid’s film cliché in the book.

Only the more action-y ones or some of the bits with the villain work. I disliked Alan’s “arc”, as it was forced and had very little in terms of true development. The romance was almost non existent and almost any kind of conflict is really rushed.

That’s this movies biggest issue. It wants to go through these cliches and put it in all this crap but it never really goes into them. Instead, it just goes to the next scene to get itself done with

The characters are pretty dull as only Alan gets any kind of development and even then he only saves the day and everyone just accepts him now. He was a dick at the start and while he does get better, he’s still boring.

Fermat and Tintin may as well not even be here, as the latter gets one of the more pointless romances I’ve seen in awhile. Plus they give her mind powers for no reason and don’t even explain them at the end!

The story follows all the beats you would expect, but to be honest, it gets less bad in the 2nd half when most of the cliches kind of leave. The only cool part was The Hood who I kind of liked to be honest. However, his entire backstory is not explained, and by the end it actually kind of becomes pointless.

He could have been awesome but instead he’s generic guy with a backstory that we never go into. Why did they even give him that backstory if it wasn’t gonna add anything?

The acting is mostly just there except Ben Kingsely who is kind of fun at times. The bad people do get…less bad by the end, but I’m glad Vanessa Hudgens got better. At least with Sucker Punch and Beastly, I can blame the poor script’s instead of her.

Lady P was honestly kind of awesome in how British and Hot she is, but her shtick gets old pretty fast. The film is still not THAT bad, because the more action-y bits are kind of okay and by the end, it wasn’t really all that painful.

I was just kind of “meh” on it, with occasional bits of especially poor writing. It’s just a really a weak kid’s film with cliches, weak characters and from I can tell, lack of faithful-ness to the source materiel.

I was gonna go easy on it, but consdering how bad the bad parts are I will give a more honest grade here. Overall, this film isn’t the worst, but it’s still pretty bad.

Grade: D

Well, may as well show me the next bad one.

Flintstonesmov

Of course.

See ya.

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