Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

I can haz crappy movie?

I can haz crappy movie?

Hello, Spongey here.

I think it’s safe that the Internet is a big thing. It has been for awhile now, and it’s become known for many things. Some of those things cannot be shown here. Pretty much everyone uses the internet these days, and a lot of people make money through the internet and stuff like that. And since the internet is a popular thing, it only makes sense that some people would just to make money off of it.

For the past couple years, plenty of business have tried to market Internet stuff, like referencing memes all over the place. Most of the time, it’s just a painful attempt to be relevant. In recent years, various internet stars have it big due to this trend. In the best case ceanrio, great talents get their time to shine and get better work. In the worst case scenario…Fred The Movie.

Today’s Christmas offering is another example of this trend. It baffled everyone when it was announced, and upon release, it only baffled further. But first, a little history. Grumpy Cat is a dumb internet meme that was amusing for a bit but eventually, we got tired of it. So, it was like every meme ever. I’m not sure how Grumpy Cat exploded, but she did. It’s a cute meme but that’s really it.

And of course, they made a movie about it. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Not only is just a dumb meme, but it’s been dead for awhile now. So this is another pitiful attempt to appeal ot the kids on top of being pointless. The main reason a Grumpy cat Movie won’t work? They already made one. It was called Garfield!

Yeah, Grumpy Cat was pretty much Garfield only not. So making a movie is really redundant, since we have 2 of those already. Everyone was baffled that this was gonna b a thing, but the most baffling part is the channel this was airing on: Lifetime.

Oh yeah, I finally get to review a Lifetime movie!

If you’re not familiar with the films made for the Lifetime Network, I’ll let Family Guy sum it up for you:

“Men are Terrible and Will Hurt You Because This is Lifetime.”

Yeah, that says it all. I’ve never seen a single one of these, but I know the reputation they have. …Btu none of this matters, because this is a family film. That’s like Disney Channel making a hard hitting crime drama.

Actually, that would be awesome.

So this movie is weird going on. The reception has been interesting as well. I won’t spoil anything yet, but people have said it’s terrible and yet it’s still enjoyable. Yep, it’s one of those kind of movies.

But you know the really weird thing? Here are some the live tweets sent out by the voice of Grumpy Cat, (we’ll get to her in a moment) when this thing first aired:

“WHY DID THEY LET ME DO THIS”

“CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE PLOT OF THIS TO ME?!?! I HAVE NO IDEA”

“WAIT. WHAT IS HAPPENING. IVE HAD 7 SHOTS OF MILK AND A TUNA BROWNIE. SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEE”

“DONT WORRY. THIS MOVIE WILL BE PLAYING ON REPEAT ALL NIGHT ON @lifetimetv THE BEST NIGHTMARE EVER WILL NEVER END”

“THIS MOVIE IS AWFULLLLLLLLL”

Yes, those are all real tweets. Yeah, I think she finally sobered and realized what movie she was in. Btu seriously, the fact that she said all this shows that someone on here knew what they were doing. But will they translate into the actual movie? We’ll find out.

By the way, the director of this movie previously did Garfield 2. Now it all makes sense. Actually, he’s been on here before with Hop, and he’s also done Alvin and the Chipmunks. And it won’t be his last time, as he has Max Keeble’s Big move on my list.

It’s hard to believe this guy worked on Good Spongebob. Seriously, he wrote Help Wanted for gods sake.

Anyway, let’s stop delaying and see exactly how terrible this thing is.

This, is Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

The movie starts by telling us the definition of Grumpy. Insert obvious joke that involves the films quality here. The actual movie opens in a mall with some carolers singer. Then…

“That song makes my tail hurt. Deck the halls? Deck me in the face”

…Well, the tone has been set already.

“Welcome to Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. The movie! You don’t have to watch it, but I know you’re going to. If you do, you might be treated to high speed car chases, huge explosions, a hero in a leotard and cape that saves the world, and doesn’t look like a Hobbit. At all. I only mention those things to get you’re hopes up. That way i can enjoy your disappointment when you realize this is just a sappy movie melodrama, mostly about me, Grumpy Cat.”

….

What have I gotten myself into.

But seriously, right off the bat, this movie is…weird. It seems kind of…self aware. Yet also really dumb. It’s odd. The way she says all this just makes it weirder. Also, “You don’t have to watch it, but I know you’re going to.” sums up this movie perfectly. That should be the tagline for every movie ever.

This is probably a good time to mention that Grumpy Cat is voiced by Aubery Plaza. On one hand, this is perfect casting. On the other hand, there’s another actor I’ve lost respect for. But her tweets kind of got my respect back. So at least we know that she knows this movie sucks.

Our actual story begins at a pet store at the mall, where Grumpy Cat lives. She talks about how no one ever takes one of the pets, and they are all gonna die in here. She’s been picked up, but she’s also been returned. Twice. I hope they don’t try to ring drama out of htis, cuz after that opening, it’s impossible.

A dude comes into a mall, and tells the owner that he’s gonna be evicted if he doesn’t pay up soon. Well, that’s one cliche down.

“See this cat? I plan to make her the most famous internet meme of all time”

Please don’t try to me meta. He suggests that Grumpy Cat will lunch tons of merch.

“Including Tv Appearances, oh, i don’t know, maybe…A lifetime movie”

Sigh.

“I’k revising the previous scene, okay?”

….It then changes so that they plan to merchandise this big dog. You know your movie is bad when your lead has to erase a dumb scene. Also, what was the point of that bit?

“A million? With him? That sounds like a McGuffin to me. Whatever that means”

“Time to meet our awful movies heroine”

Stop doing my job for me.

“With 2nd billing behind me, Aubery Plaza as Grumpy Cat”

This is gonna be the whole review, isn’t it?

Our heroine is Crystal, a nice little girl with a heart of gold, and a tolerable voice. She has no father right now, (of course) and she joins her Mom at hr job as this dude she’s known for awhile asks her out. Yeah, no one cares.

“Isn’t she a little young to have a job?”

PHINEAS: Yes, yes I am.

We see more of her boring life, which actually makes me wish Grumpy Cat was on screen. This is gonna be a long movie. A bunch of nothing happens, and the movie attempts to make us feel sad for this poor misunderstood girl. You know, at least with Grumpy Cat, the film was self aware. This is just boring. Even the Cat’s narration can’t save these parts.

She gets a “Magic Coin” from some Mall Santa dude, and he tells her to wish with it.

“If your wish rhymes you get extra mojo”

“That’s really corny”

Okay, that was funny.

She wishes that she could make a friend. Then Grumpy Cat pops up.

“I was live tweeting my own movie”

#Sigh.

Crystal walks into the pet store and talks to the owner about the stuff going on. He jumps into a lame sob story.

GRUMPY CAT: I’m in so much pain listening to your sob story. I wish you’d put me to sleep.

I’m starting to like this character.

“This is animal cruetly, do the humane thing. Give me the gas!”

I don’t think she’s acting here..

Crystal hears Grumpy Cat. Oh yay, this is gonna turn into a really really crappy version of Dr Dolittle/Wild Thornberries/Littlest Pet Shop/take your pick. Also, Grumpy Cat never actually opens her mouth. She has Garfield syndrome. So…how did Crystal hear her? Also, she can only hear Grumpy Cat and not the other animals because…reasons.

It doesn’t take long for her to figure out this is her wish being granted. Whoever grants these things is really cruel. Grumpy Cat pipes to tell us that they are communicating telepathically. Okay, that clears up one of my problems. Crystal leaves to do stuff, and she comes back that night to talk to to Grumpy Cat.

“Grumpy!”

She never told you her name. How do you know her name? While this is going on, some robbers come in and approach a Secruity gaurd.

“Don’t try anything!”

“Yeah, Paul Blart”

Leave it to this movie to reference a movie no one saw/cared about.

They tie him up and we cut back to Crystal. The robbers go into the pet store to steal the million dollar dog. Grumpy Cat is rooting for the robbers who randomly came into the plot. When they leave, Crystal says they gotta save the dog. God, they really put a villain into this thing? Even Garfield wasn’t htis forced with it’s villain.

“Just to play Devil’s Advocat, what if we let them keep jojo?”

“WHY DID THEY LET ME DO THIS”

Grumpy pipes in to tell us that there are two ways for this to go down. There’s the fast way, where they tell the police about the robbers.

“But that would mean a much shorter movie plus much less advertising revenue so luckily, it went like this”

Wow, the movie knows that the characters fail to do the smart thing. Do i even need to be here?

Crystal tells Grumpy that if the store closes, Grumpy has no home. Eventually, this gets to her and she decides to help. In this less smart vrsion, they take too long and thus, they are there when the robbers come back to get the keys they left in the store.

“Off screen voices of bad guys!”

They make some noise and the robbers try to find them. We get a long chase scene, and some bits of our heroes trying to outsmart the criinals. Long story short, they escape and Grumpy Cat brings us back from commercial via a gimmick where she’s writing this like a book.

“Terrible movie she wrote, Chapter 4″

Haw. The landlord guy pops up.

“Red herring, or plot point?”

He came back to get something he left, and the robbers mistake him for the figure they have been chasing all night. Crystal finds the security guard and lets him free and yada yada. They figure out that the Landlord is not the guy and they just pretend like this never happend. Then Grumpy Cat pops up with a message.

“If you’re still watching this, I worry for you”

…I’ve seen worse, Grumpy Cat.

“Some are born great, some achieve great-ness, and some watch Christmas movies starring cats. I think you know who you are”

I’m all of those.

Crystal explains to the guard why she was there, and she jumps into a lame cliche sob story about how her Dad left her and all that crap. This movie can’t seem to device on a tone, but i sure as hell can’t take it seriously when these moments are way too cliche.

“Don’t get sappy on me. Wait, I forgot, it’s Lifetime movie”

Okay, that was funny.

Also, I just noticed something: So farm, Grumpy Cat feels like a Supporting Character in her own movie. It’s just some lame robber plot with a snarky cast thrown in. I suppose they didn’t want to flat out rip off Garfield, but they could have done something similar to that, so it actually stars Grumpy Cat!

Anyway, so there’s gonna call the cops, right? …Noe, the guard is a bad guy.

“Where are the keys, Crystal?”

Oh yeah, she stole the bad guys’ car keys. Forgot to mention that. Anyway, so…this is a twist that comes out of nowhere, in a bad way.

“I l saw that coming, but you didn’t!”

Only cuz it’s so out of nowhere. It also makes no sense., If he’s working for them, why did they tie him up and stuff? He explains that it was he who hired them to do all this, which is also odd. Since he has everyone’ trust as a guard, he could steal the dog and no one would the wiser.

After an EPIC CLIFFHANGER, Grumpy brings us back.

“Are you still here? Why?”

I don’t freaking know.

George the Guard captures Crystal and the dog, and they gloat evilly about it. While they talk, he says there’s a difference btween Greedy and Evil. Please tell that to One Coarse Meal. (But i digress). Then he says he won’t hurt the girl, but he will hurt the cat. …That’s MORE evil than hurting a girl, dumbass.

“He’s petting me way too diabolically”

Haw.

Crystal reveals where the keys are, and Grumpy Cat pipes in to say she’s not ognan die.

“I’m sure the executives were thinking Sequel, like Grumpy Cat’s Worst Vacation Ever”

The sad thing is, i can see that happening. Though this actually got poor ratings..despite everyone and their mom live tweeting it. But hey, same happened with Sharknado on it’s first airing, and look what happened!

“So anyway, that’s how the story ended. The bad guys made off with the overpriced freak dog and evil triumphed over good”

Yay! So that was really-

“I lied”

Dammit!

Grumpy tells about how sad Crystal is (which kind of ruins the emotion here) and long story short, she looks into her heart and decides to help her out. They never made a real connection, so this feels forced. Just saying. Though to be fair, this almost works since finding out one of her only friends is a bad guy is pretty sad and stuff. However, it feels a little forced, and it doesn’t tie into her “character” as well as the writers seem to think it does.

On the bright side, the actress pulls this off okay. But seriously, this really serious moment is so different from the rest of the movie and it’s so …weird . See what I mean when I complained about the tone?

Grumpy tells Crystal that people love here, which is odd as the character hasn’t seen any of her pals so…how does she know that? Grumpy the narratoe knows this, but not the character in the present.

“That’s why I decided to adopt you”

Sorry, only dogs can do that. Way to remind me of a much better movie I could be watching right now.

So our heroes escape, with the help of the A-Team theme for some reason, and a dog bites George’s Crotch. Sigh.

“I hope he didn’t want Children”

They beat George up and use his phone to call Crystal’s Mom. Yeah, calling the cops would make more sense, but whatever.

“Call the police”

…Why didn’t you do that?!

Anyway, our heroes chase after the baddies to get the dog back. Then Grumpy Cat comes in driving a car.

“Don’t question it, this happens”

…Okay.

“How is this even possible, you can’t reach the peddle.”

The car stops.

“Thanks, you had to say that. Is this not my movie?”

…Okay, that was amazing,.

‘Okay, that never happened”

That was pointless. Instead, they get in a car that happens to be there and Crystal drives. …That’s somehow less plausible.

“We are in a movie”

I should really just relax? Also, we cut to George and the robbers, and he says this

“I’m gonna put a footprint up your-“

It cuts back to Grumpy. You know-for kids!

“I promised you a car chase, and I’m delivering a car chase”

Heh.

Wait, why are they even driving? The bad guys were right in front of them going out a door. They weren’t even running. They could easily just run after them! This is so stupid! Hell, they could have gotten the bad guys QUICKER on foot!

Anyway, the bad guys drive away, leading to a car chase and then a Mexican stand off, but with cars. This movie is weird. Anyway, there’s a big crash and Grumpy crashes into a bit tree but she’s okay., Except for a bit where she pretends to lose her telepathic connection with Crystal, cut she’s a bitch.

“Like Lifetime would pass up a chance for a sequel with the internet’s biggest cash cat”

Okay.

Thankfully, the cops show up at this moment and arrest the bad guys. Also, her Mom and likely new Dad show up.

“Those guys didn’t do anything to you, did they?”

“That’s a different type of Lifetime movie, if you know what i mean”

YOU KNOW-FOR KIDS! Or families, or whoever this made for! Seriously, that’s a…you know what joke, in a family film! What the heck?!

Crystal has a heartwarming moment with her Mom and everything is cool. The store owner guy shows up and thanks her, but since she broke into the store to begin with, he says he’s gonna dock her pay.

“But you don’t pay me”

…Then I’m gonna make you employee of the month”

…Okay then.

Then it cuts to the land lord guy, who is tied to a giant Candy Can e thing inside the store. It’s funny cuz it random and mean.

After shrugging off this big event, we cut to Christmas morning. Oh yeah,. this is a Christmas movie. For her big present, she gets to adopt Grumpy Cat. Yay.

“This is the best Christmas ever”

“Sure, go ahead, ignore the title of the movie”

Haw!

“No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. My dignity however…destroyed.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Roll credits. Yeah, rushed ending that makes the film worse, you know the drill. Well, that was….somewhat.

Final Thoughts:

That was…exactly what I expected, yet also nothing like I expected. It’s that kind of movie. This movie was a mess. It was cliche, it was opoorly written, it was self aware, it was dramatic, it was comedic, it was stupid, it was…a lot of things. Good was not among those things…sort of.

This movie’s biggest problem is how messy it was. It has no idea what i wants to be. It changes between being self aware, and just lame and cliche. The story goes all over the place and the cliches aren’t even done well. The twist is out of nowhere, the drama doesn’t really work. Escpailly since it has no pay off after the big scene, and the ending is rushed. There’s no real connection between Crystal is grumpy, and what few character there are are just boring and one dimensional.

But…it’s also kind of enjoyable. Yeah, it’s one of those “So Bad it’s Good” movies. Mostly for Grumpy Cat herself. She’s the highlight of the movie, because every line she gets is funny and self aware.. Seriously, it’s like she’s MST-ing the movie, and that’s awesome. It seems like the writers, or just Aubery Plaza, were aware of what they were making and just had fun with it. Since the rest of the film is so odd, this helps a lot.

She makes the movie kind of funny and bearable. Her character isn’t exactly great, at least she’s funny. AS a side note, most of the acting is actually pretty good, most notably Aubrey Plaza, who gives the perfect performance for what she’s given. This movie was just weird, but how it’s paced and written, with all the pointless filler and snark.

It’s kind of like Sharknado, except that got people in even without the writes needing to be self aware. This is an idea so dumb that it being self aware was needed for it to be good. And I’m glad it it was, since this film is amazingly bad. It’s one of those films that must be seen to believed.

And also, her tweets are still amazing. She clearly knows what movie was in. So yeah, overall, this mvoie was bad, but in the best possible way.

Critical Grade: C

So Bad it’s Good Grade: B

Also, this didn’t have that much to do with Christmas, aside from the setting and whatever. Anyway, at least we’re done with that one. Next time, we go back to our old friend and see how the Disney Chanel celebrated Christmas back in 200.

See ya.

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Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups

Hey, why are these background characters doing on the poster?

Hey, why are these background characters doing on the poster?

Hey, remember how a weird ASCII ate some of my reviews/posts? Well, it happened again. This time for no reason. I even finished the review! It was Cailou’s Holiday Movie. The movie was boring and so was the review. So yeah, ah well. I guess I just have to suck it up and move on.

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Well, it’s that time of that year again. Actually, it was that time last week but the ASCII monster hates Christmas for some reason. Anyway, it’s December which means it’s Christmas time once again! Man, you gotta love this time of the year. Because it gives assholes like me a chance to talk about stupid Christmas movies!

And it also means that for the 3rd time, i get to peddle Red Ribbon Reviewers. If you don’t know what that is at this point, just got to my Batman Returns and Fred Claus reviews for details.

http://spongey444.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/fred-claus/

Being a part of RRR last year pretty cool, but this year I will do a few reviews compared to the like 7 I did last year. Cuz you know, new Schedule. So today we start my Christmas reviews with a pointless sequel to a pointless spinoff to a pointless franchise. Oh yeah, we’re finally doing that.

Last year, I buckled down and reviewed all the Buddies movies cuz Nick Fury made me or something. It’s been awhile, guys. Last December, I looked at the spin off movie known as Santa Paws. You can read my review of it for details, but you just need to know that it was bad. However, it did have it’s moments, especially in Santa’s plot.

It was both as bad as I thought it would be, and not as bad. But in the end, it was still bad, and not worth watching. So of course, they made a sequel to it! Look, we’ve had sequels to weirder movies, so I will let it slide.

In 2012, they unleashed this pointless sequel on the world. There isn’t too much to say before we go in. We have the same writers and director as usual. I’ll touch on actors when we get into it. The only weird thing to point out now is that this is a sequel to a prequel, which was also a spin off of a spin off.

I’m confused.

So, let’s stop blabbing and see if this sequel is as bad as the first one. It probably is, but let’s give it a chance.

This, is Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups

The movie opens at the North Pole with pointless narration about Christmas or whatever. Santa Paws just had some puppies and everyone is happy to find a new way to reel in the kid audience. Santa Paws grew up to sound like a 40 year old man, which is weird. They name their kids Jingle, Charity, Hope, and Noble. Also, Santa Paws is desperately trying to be like Stan the dog, and failing so hard.

Also, they sing a pointless song. We cut to 4 months later, as they find out that kids are handful. Isn’t that so wacky?! Hope is into EXTREEEEME stuff, Jingle says (badly), and Charity is a bit selfish. Also, she’s voiced by G. Hannelius which doesn’t help my Stan comment. After some stuff, they go to school taught by Mr 30 Nights/Crash and Bernsein/iCarly Christmas episode guy.

They are learning about magic crystals, and the trouble making pup wants some …No comment.

“They hold great power, and with great power comes great responsibility”

…Ugh.

He tells them they have to learn about being good before they can get magic crystals, which they will use to spread the joy of Christmas. he takes them to that magical iccle thing that powers the north pole and explains how it works. I didn’t pay attention to that so let’s move on. After some boring stuff, we learn that Mrs Claus has to go to some town to do some stuff cuz some ambassador died.

We cut to this town and get another song, only this one comes REALLY out of nowhere. The citizens of Pineville sing about Christmas, and honestly, it’s not a bad song. I’ve heard worse, to be honest. It’s got that classic Chirstmas feeling, and it’s kind of nice, i suppose. It’s just kind of out of nowhere.

After the song,we cut to a family as we meet this kid who doesn’t care about Christmas anymore. Yeah, I know where this is going. To make it worse, hsi sister happens to be played by that really pewcious chick from Santa Buddies, Treasure Buddies, and the first Santa Paws. I’ve ranted on her before, and how hse ruins these movies. No offense to her as a person, but she can’t act. The only time i tolerate her was in Free Birds, and she was pointless I didn’t mention her character.

Thankfully, we cut to the Santa Pups as they plan to stowaway with Mrs Claus, and bring some stolen crystals so they can grant wishes and prove that they can get crystals of their own. Yep, they’ve lovable scamps! Actually, I’ve seen worse actions in these movies. We cut back to the family, as the sister gives a speech at Dinner which is horribly sweet as it sounds. She sounds much better than in her earlier appearances, but she till makes things too …icky for me.

Carter, the boy, is all sad for reasons we likely learn later. 5 Bucks says a relative of his died or something. Anyway, Mr Claus heads off with the reindeer driven sleigh.

“Great snow balls of fire!”

They land in the town and the pups head out to do their stupid thing. First thing, they grant a little girls’ wish to skate “real good”. Well, at least they are doing good things for people. Then we cut to the that pewcious sister a Radio station performing a song. She’s gotten a lot better since Santa Buddies, but is it’s still too…sweet for my tastes.

“Isn’t her singing magical?”

No.

Mrs Claus hears her song, and some random citizens tell her about her, through forced exposition and kind of poor acting. She visits the girl and ends up signing up for a nanny job. She’ll show up for dinner that night to talk about it with him. Back with the dogs, they give a girl two front teeth, hardy har har. They stumble upon Carter, who wishes all the Christmas spirit would go away. They accidentally grant it. Wah wah. Seriously, this is a pretty forced plot we have here.

Carter discovers that everyone is acting like a dick all of a sudden and that the Christmas spirit has indeed vanish. The pups bump into a guy who captures the pups and takes them to the pound. We head back to Carter’s plot as he goes home to clash into Mrs Clauses plot. Then it jumps back to the pups. Please don’t do the quick cuts thing. It’s feeling like Next Mutation all over again.

As it turns out, the guy who captured them is actually nice, the lack of Christmas spirit made him into a dick. We cut back to Mrs Claus, talking to the little girl and then get another song. It’s about curing the Christmas cold or some crap like that. At least the girl isn’t the main singer. It’s pretty much pointless, but not quite bad as it sounds.

The next day, the lack of spirit starts to become obvious as everyone in town is turning into a dick and Dad is giving up on the radio station. Seeign everyone being a dick is kind of funny, honestly. Also, the reason the little girl isn’t a dick is cuz the Christmas spirit is so strong in her. Gag me with a spoon.

Back at the North Pole, they find what happened, and it looks like the lack of Christmas spirit is starting to spread across the country. Hey, a decent conflict! To make it worse, some guy finds the reindeer and says he’s gonna sell them cuz he’s evil. Mrs Claus shows up and tries to cover it up by saying that she just let her deer hang out at this man’s barn. There happens to be a cop there to arrest her for that.

She is put in jail and she doesn’t have the magic needed to escape. And then it turns out those woman she talked to on the street are here too. How did they get here? They explain…in song.

…Okay. I didn’t know this would be a musical. I mean, the other songs had an story reason to exist, but this is just…out of nowhere. I couldn’t even tell you what they did get in here, I’m just listening to the song. It’s…memorable, I’ll give it that. After it happens, they just stop and it cuts to the next scene.

…I’m not even gonna say it.

We cut back to the little girl and Carter, as they mourn the loss of Christmas Spirit. Also, his Mom is indeed dead, so that clears it up. Nothing happens we we join the pups. Wait a minute, for a movie called the Santa pups, the pups aren’t in it that much. They are in it, but their plot isn’t really treated as important, while everyone else is given more attention. That’s pretty nice, I just wish everything else was a bit more even.

The pups get their crystal back and head out to save Christmas. Eli the Elf heads down to Pineville, disguising his ride as an ice cream truck. Carter and the girl notice him.

“What’s can ice cream truck doing here in the middle of December?”

Carter would be great at Cinema Sins.

Before they remember that a man showing up an ice cream talk to talk to little kids usually doesn’t turn out that well, they find out that Eli is one of Santa’s elves and they need to save Christmas and yada yada. They head down to Jail and break Mrs Claus out. Soon after, they figure out that Carter wishes for the Spirit to go away. They also found that the Pups came here, hence how Carter’s wish got granted. You know, this conflict isn’t too bad, and with Carter regretting his actions, this is an attempt at emotional depth.

It doesn’t fully work, but hey, it’s better than nothing, I suppose.

So they need a way to get the Christmas Spirit back, and they start their plan. First, they find the Pups and then head onto the Radio to do a Christmas Radio show. Carter admits, right on Radio, that this is all his fault.

“After my Mom passed away, it didn’t feel like it was right to celebrate”

See, called it! Granted, it took them 1 hour and 10 minutes to say this but I still called it!

He apologizes for this and then Dad shows up for a big emotional moment. As cliche as it is, it’s kind of nice. Then that all goes down the toilet when the girl gives us another pewcious song. This gets everyone back in the Christmas Spirit because….waffles. I don’t know, she isn’t magic and no magic is being used in general. This is just cheesy crap.

Also, she mentions Chris in this song which is just weird.

Through the power of bad writing, the song makes everything better. The Pups show and apologize for trying to do their thing.

“We have the reverse the wish that you granted Carter”

…Didn’t you just do that? I clearly saw a bunch of depressed people get happy and put up decorations. If that didn’t do it, what was the point?!

Anyway, Carter gets a wish and he wishes for everything to be back to normal. It works. It’s all big and happy, and they celebrate with another dumb Christmas song. At least this one fits. After the big number, Mrs Claus says goodbye to the kids and thanks them for helping out.

“I came here looking for one ambassador for the Santa Cause, and i found 2″

Oh yeah, that’s why you were there. It was poorly explained.

After bestowing such a high honor on them, she and the pups leave. The Pups recite the forced morals they learned and then they finally leave. They barely did anything. As they head off into the sky, we get a reprise of that first song to cap things off. Yep, it pans out and the credits roil. They padded it out enough, so it’s not too abrupt. But the climax itself was…Anti Climatic. Either way, it’s finally over.

…The Pups sing in the credits but I’m turning this off.

Final Thoughts:

Well, that was just…meh. It’s better than the first, and one of the least bad things to have the Buddies name, but it still just…Meh. I’d say they tried,and that alone makes it at least bearable. But it also tries too hard at points and it’s plenty of other flaws.

As usual, we have a cliche story and weak characters, but I can let some of that slide at this point. The story gets a bit too muddle at points, and some small parts ruined what could have been interesting plot points. It feels a bit too “manufactured” to really work as intended.

I like the idea for a kid accidentally wishing away the Christmas Spirit, but the kid is too cliche for it to quite work, and it really could have worked without it being a Santa Paws movie. Also, this was a pointless sequel as it didn’t really add anything to the first one. Not that it was any good to begin with.

Most of the characters don’t give anything to talk about, so I’ll make it quick. Carter isn’t too bad but he doesn’t do anything to really save it. The girl sucks but you’ve heard me go about this before. Her acting has gotten better, but the writing of her works has not. Everyone else is just kind of there, and isn’t really interesting.

This includes the Santa Pups. Yeah, as I pointed out before, they really aren’t in the movie that much. They start the plot but the movie keeps forgetting they are in. Since they annoy me, this is a good thing, but unlike Spooky Buddies, it just feels off. And at least there, their story was capped off fine. Here, their arc just kind of ends. Like they realize they forgot to write them in more, so they had them recite their moral. Lazy.

On the bright side, there is effort put into this. There are some sweet scenes that work, and with some of the CArter parts, I see a good movie trying to escape. It just fails to escape among the lazy writing choices. Also, the songs are largely pointless, except maybe one. And seriously, what up with the song with those chicks?

There really isn’t much to say about this one. It’s just really Meh. It’s too cliche and weird to work, but it has some moments, and as odd it is, the absence of the Pups make it more tolerable. It’s just a very “meh” movie which I guess makes it better than the first. It’s just very eh.

By the way, with this we finally finish the buddies for good. At least until a new one comes out. For osme reason, there wa no Buddies Film this year, even though we’ve had for each of tg=he last feww years. It feels…empty. ..Eh, whatever.

Grade: C+

That’s the highest grade you’ll see one of these movies get.

So, what’s next? I hope it’s good!

grumpy_cat_christmas_a_s

….Why.

See ya.

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Rocket Monkeys-There’s no Business like Monkey Business

Hello, Spongey here.

Before the Holiday Rush begins in a few days, I wanted to get a TV review in. I need to do more of those, and you can expect some in the near future. For this one, we have something….terrible. Yeah, I’m pulling that bandage out right now. This episode is bad. But first, an introduction.

In a long list of mistakes Nick has made that lead to people calling them Satan, they aired a Canadian cartoon known only as Rocket Monkeys. It’s a Modern Canadian Cartoon, so you know it sucks. Okay, to be fair, good Canadian Cartoons exist, but then they are bad, they’re really bad. This show is…really bad. Nick has gotten flack for the likes of Breadwinners and Sanjay and Craig, but this is the worst cartoon they aired, if you ask me.

And I’m not the only with an opinion. This show has gotten some serious infamous on the internet, mostly due to two certain episodes. Seriously, in just a few months, it has a huge cult hate following. Is that a thing? It’s a thing now. The Mysterious Mr Enter got at least 20 requests to review in a matter of days, and that’s not a joke.

Why is that? Well, let me explain the basic premise: It’s Breadwinners in Space. No, really. We have one semi-serious dumbass, and annoying dumbass going on weird adventures, full of cruelty and sometimes grossout. Except while that show is simply mediocre, this one is worse. At may be not as annoying, the writing is far more generic and dull. The two leads are annoying and unlikable, and kind of act the same. While the designs and voices are enough to make Fat Duck and Tall Duck different, these guys feel the same half the time.

But all of that is small compared the horrors seen in 2 certain episodes. Today, we look at the final episode of the first season. An episode that has gained infamous as one of the worst cartoon episodes ever made. Yeah. What about the other episode? Well, i consider this one worse, and more reviewable…but we’ll talk about the events of that other one, trust me.

So, why is this episode hated so much? Let’s find out.

This, is There’s no Business like Monkey Business

Writer: Grew Lawrence

Before we start, let’s look at the theme song. It’s actually pretty catchy but the lyrics are….not good.

“They try to be heroes, but they’re easy to replace. They’re not the brightest, they’re not the best. THey’re not the coolest, they also have bad breath.”

I know some themes jokingly make fun of the title heroes, but this one litterly goes out o it’s way to tell us our leads suck at heroes. And trust me, that will become apparent in a moment.

The actual episode starts with a show called “Monkey Business”, hosted by the shows Villain, Lord Peel. He’s a talking Banana man. It’s…stupid. But he’s the best character, so I’ll take it. He’s telling us about Wally and Guss, the titular Rocket Monkeys.

“Who are they? The worst Galactic Monkeys ever! They should be banished, sent away, fired!”

I like this episode already!

To explain why, he rolls some clips. The first few clips mostly show them being a nuisance to everyone around them, and destroying everything. But the kickers with a clip featuring the 100th Birthday of an Elderly woman. They pop out of the cake and make noises so loud that she dies.

“Look, she’s happy she’s gone all stiff, and her eyes have turned into X’s!”

This is gonna suck.

Wow, we’ve already got the most mean, cruel thing in any cartoon ever, and we just started. I mean, we just saw our “heroes” be really annoying, and KILL someone…and notice or care at all. I repeat: They KILLED someone. This is a kids’ show, right?!

The past episodes have shown them as unlikable jerks, but this episode goes out of it’s way to prove that they suck. But let’s think for a second. Any episode can be someone’s first, and imagine that this is someone’s first episode. It was mine, and many others. It starts with our heroes doing nothing good, and killing someone.

In the context of this episode, there’s no reason to like these characters. And these are the guys we’re supposed to root for. What. I’d say more, but it actually gets WORSE.

Back to the “plot’, we have the monkeys watching this on TV>

“Man, we look good on TV”

I hate you.

Peel continues with his show, and says his plan is to humiliate the monkeys so much that they are driven out of this galaxy. So he hates the Monkeys, mostly for the genuinely bad things they do. He’s the villain.

???

The leader of the agency the monkeys work for gets a ton of Emails from people raging about what they saw on the show. He says if they mess up again, they are fired, so they decided act like serious heroes. Of course, this goes badly.

We get a short montage of them failing to do heroic deeds. However, this is all accidents, so i can forgive it…for now. The leader guy asks them to take a fruit basket to an orphanage to get in everyone’s good graces again.

“We’re gonna look so good!”

They just admitted they are doing this to make them look good, not cuz they feel bad for what they did. Ugh.

They get there, and find a crying kid. They get out the basket…but it turns out Wally ate all the food. He knowingly ate food meant for orphans. I don’t like these guys.

They were recording all this, so it everyone gets an eyeful of what they did. Lord Peel shows up to gloat, but thanks to Wally, he gets seriously injured. He needs to go to the hospital, but the monkeys decide to take him in to prove to everyone they can do good.

“We’re gonna take you back to our rocket shop and nurse you back to health, no matter how long it takes!”

It’s nice that they gonna take care of someone who hates them, even if it’s for attention but…this is where the episode gets really bad. It doesn’t help that it’s an even worse version of Breadwinners’ “From Bad To Nurse”.

And Gus starts eating part of Peel. He tries to eat a living being right after saying he’ll take care of them. ….He’s still the villain.

Anyway, then we get a lot of Lord Peel torture porn! First, Wally trips and Peel is doused in boiling hot soup. Twice. And he is oblivious to his pain. I…won’t say it yet. We’re not quite there yet.

“Look at me, an innocent Banana.”

At this point, I really don’t know how someone can write this and say these are our heroes. If the fact that they suck as heroes is meant to be funny….it’s not. It’s really not.

Next, they give him a sponge bath….with evil sponges that attack him. You know, it’s hard to believe they have good intentions if they are dumb enough to not know when crap like this is not helper. The soup thing can be excused as an honest mistake, but this is…not excusable.

We get more torture for him, which gets pretty damn cruel, and hard to watch. And i thought Gumball’s The Promise had bad Banana torture! Seriously, it gets a tad gruesome, seeing him in pain for a lot of the episode. At one point, he gets a thermometer stuck up his ass. …COMEDY!

After this montage, Peel gives us and just tries to destroy them the old fashioned way, with a laser. Woo hoo, go Peel! …And it turns out to be part of Peel’s show.

“We were in the studio?”

That…makes no sense. To make it worse, his show got canceled.

“The good news is, they love new clients! You’re a hit, boys!”

So people hated that earlier montage of the monkeys being dicks, but seeing them torture an innocent man made them stars? WHERE’S THE LOGIC IN THAT?! And yes, they jsut came out on top, for no reason, after all that.

I don’t like this show.

However, after seeing Lord Peel get all sad, they ask that he get a part on the show. That’s nice…until we see their annoying show, where Peel’s part is basically serving as their lunch. Yes, they starting eating him.

“Well, it’s still show business”

The episode ends with them eating an innocent man. Yes, it ends there. Weak plot, i must say. But that’s not the worst part. Wanna hear it? Well, remember that other episode i mentioned?

Well, it’s called “I am not a Banana”. It was the first episode. Keep that in mind. In that episode, they are captured by Lord Peel, and he tells us his backstory. He was a nice, normal, innocent Banana man. But one day, Wally and Gus started stalking him, and constantly attempted to eat him. They tortured him and even said this in a phone call”

“Take off your peel”

All of this torment made Peel turn into a bad guy, and now he tries to take out the monkeys who made him this way.

The main characters of the show harrased and attempted to eat an innocent man, and causeds him to turn to evil, and didn’t notice or care about their actions.

OUR. FUCKING. HEROES, LADIES-

And actually, No, I’m doing that thing. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! This is the worst case of Designated Hero I’ve ever seen, and it makes this episode even worse. ….Let me wrap this up.

Final Thoughts:

Okay, this wasn’t the most annoying or painful thing to watch, but it is pretty painful at times. It’s the writing that makes this as bad as everyone says. But it becomes worse after watching the first episode. They made him like this, and when he tries to expose them for the idiots they are, he is punished and they are rewarded.

Who’s the good guy here? The leads do nothing good, and torture innocent people, and only do good to benefit themselves. The bad guy was turned evil by them and is only trying to stop them, cuz they are actually bad people. How is the villain?!

I just don’t get it. The episode itself is bad. We get really painful and cruel torture, and the plot is confused. It’s really rushed and it has two bad plots mashed together. The monkeys come out on top for no reason at all, and it’s just bad. If the writers knew that these guys were not heroes, and tried to make it funny, they failed. It’s not fun to watch at all, and it really don’t fit a children’s show at all.

It’s bad on it’s own, but when you consider the writing, and why Peel is like this, it becomes the worst thing ever. It’s bad guys. This show is just bad. The leads are annoying, it’s really generic, and 2 episodes alone are among the cruelest pieces of animation ever made. Yes, worse than One Coarse Meal and it’s kin. It’s that bad.

That’s all I got, guys. Wally and Gus, rot in hell.

Grade: D

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Free Birds

It's the only one, so it also makes it the worst. Just saying.

It’s the only one, so it also makes it the worst. Just saying.

Hello, Spongey here.

So, today is Thanksgiving. For normal people, that means it’s to give thanks and also eat a lot. But for everyone on the internet, it’s time to use as an excuse to review Thanksgiving specials!

This year, I wanted to cover what is obviously the best Thanskgiving special ever made…but I already did FrankenTurkey so I’ll do this one instead. Here is an animated film from last year that gained some infamous for it’s premise alone.

We’ll get to that in the review proper. But honestly, I was hyped up when I heard the premise, because it sound so hilariously stupid. Even when I saw the lackluster trailer, I was hoping It would be an okay film.

Then the reviews came on. Yeah, pretty much everyone hated it. Though I chalked it up to loser not seeing the brilliance in this amazing premise. But yeah, their criticisms sounded valid.

I watched it a bit ago, and well…you’ll see when we get into it. Let’s get into the pointless details. The director previously made Horton Hears a Who, (which is a much better movie) and the other writers is mostly known for producing Kevin Smith movies.

…That’s different.

Also, this movie was made by a Real FX as their first film, as they previously made shorts and specials. Their next film was Book of Life. That’s like if Dreamworks went from Antz to How To Train Your Dragon. But I digress.

Let’s dig in and see how well this Thanksgiving flick turned out. Get ready for a lot some really complicated stuff..

This, is Free Birds

The movie opens with….this.

“The follow film is a work of fiction. It is loosely based on on historical events and is in no way meant to be historically accurate. …Except the for the talking turkeys. That party is totally real”

Okay, right off the bat, we know it’s not meant to be taken seriously. Yeah, that was pretty funny and believe it or not, it’s not our last funny joke.

The movie actually starts with Owen Wislon telling us Thanksgiving and how it’s all about food. And not you know…giving. After the title card, we find out our narrator is a turkey named Reggie.

He lives on a farm full of Turkeys that are supposed to be eaten by the family that owns it. However, everyone is so dumb they don’t even realize it, and thus don’t believe Reggie when he raves about it.

“Turkeys are dumb”

Reggie goes on to tell us about how he never fits in and all that. He feels like he doesn’t belong. Yeah, it’s that cliché and they kind of play it straight. We’ll get back to that later. One day, the turkeys figure out that Reggie has been right all around just as some men show up take a turkey.

They sacrifice Reggie because…reasons. What dicks. As it turns out Reggie is being taken by the president (who is white, by the way) to be the pardoned Turkey. Yeah, most of the first quarter has nothing to do with anything but it’s set up so whatever. Plus, the first 20 minutes or so are the best part.

At Camp David, Reggie starts living a life of luxury, which involves a few decent gags. He mostly orders a lot of pizza, and the boxes are labled as Chuck E Cheese, even though the ad he saw the pizza from was just a generic Pizza.

…Also, since when did they deliver? Also, PROUDCT PLACEMENT!

Reggie has everything he could want but of course that all goes downhill. One night, a big dude kidnaps him and takes out him out to the Forrest. We’re only 9 minutes in, by the way. Bad pacing ftw!

This guy is a turkey named Jake, voiced by Woody Harrelson. He’s this super serious dude, who is a bit dense, which is kind of amusing at first. He knows Reggie’s name as “He” told Jake everything about him.

“Who is he?”

“The Great Turkey. He appeared in the sky, in a bright ball of light with a voice that came from everywhere. He gave me a mission, told me I need to find you, and he gav me this”

This, being a sacred time knob. And oh boy, just you wait til you find out who the great turkey is…

Jake breaks into a military base. What’s in there that he needs?

“A time machine”

…Why do they need it?

“We’re going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkey’s off the menu”

And he turns to the camera.

“That’s right. We’re going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkey’s off the menu”

“…Who are you talking to?”

He’s talking to his reflection.

I love everything about that party, from the reveal, to the part where they pretty much tell us that they know how dumb this premise.

And yes, this is our premise. Yes, it’s a weird idea for a movie. Yes, it makes no sense as Turkey was not served at the first Thanksgiving. But I don’t care, I love it. It’s so hilarious dumb, and it has potential to be great!

And it’s not like it’s meant to be taken seriously. The opening and this part pretty much tells us that they know this is a dumb concept, and we shouldn’t take it too seriously. And in the first quarter, they do it okay.

But unfortunately, some great premises don’t have great execution. You’ll see as we go along. So yeah, they’re off to find the time machine. They discover the secret base and while Reggie isn’t on board with it, he’s along for the ride anyway.

The banter between the two is honestly kind of amusing, and the voice acting for the two is solid as well. I honestly have mostly positive things to say until the actual plot starts. Also, this place must has crap security if the two turkey’s were able to get in.

We cut to the time machine HQ Room or whatever, as we find out the Government is doing their first test with it right now. Also, I think the president has a Bill Clinton voice.

Some guards see the turkeys as their running around.

“How do we address it , sir?’

“With Cranberry sauce”

Haw haw.

The two make it to the time machine room just as the thing is starting up. They are able to get in thanks to the lack of security and they are notice and the guy inside is told to leave. The Turkeys get in anyway and they are trapped inside. . On top of that, the swirling time vortex prevents anyway from getting near the thing.

With that, the machine vanishes and the two birds are now traveling on the time stream. Also, the machine has voice, and that voice is George Takei.

Well, this is now the best movie ever made.

George explains how the time machine works. Jake tells it to take them to the first Thanksgiving and they are off. For once, I’ll leave the animation til the end, but I’ll say there are some cool effects here.

They soon arrive at the first site of the first Thanksgiving. Three days before, to be exact. The machine activates a cloaking thingy so Reggie can’t use it. Well, we have a plot convenience already.

Right away, they get chased by some wild dogs and a dude with a gun. I hope you like the action in these next few minutes, as it’s the last “Exciting” event for awhile. They escape the guy and bump into a girl turkey voiced by Amy Pohelor. Some other turkeys show up and ask our heroes what is going on.

Before they can ask questions, the men return and they must run away. After a chase scene, they make it to a tree cave hideout thing. Jake acts like a badass and tries to show up the leader, and they get into …well, a cock fight. Wait, they’re turkeys so the pun doesn’t work. Whatever.

Either way, they both lose. Back in the Pilgrim town, some people complain to the mayor, chief, leader…guy about the lack of food. However, he is saving food for the big upcoming feast. They need to make peace with the Indians for reasons you all remember from School.

The people don’t care but it doesn’t matter cuz Miles Standish, the guy with the big gun shows up. Miles Standish was a real guy and he mostly hunted down Native Americans. Here, he hunts Turkeys. In this movie the Turkeys are held back by white men.

…Uh….really unfortunate implications alert.

Anyway, back with our heroes, they make it to the Turkey HQ. Jake tries to be a leader, and tells them he has come from the future to stop Thanksgiving. No one wants to work under him, because the real chief comes in. His name is Broadbeak and he’s voiced by Keith David.

And it’s now the best movie ever again.

He doesn’t want anyone to fight and also he’s Jenny’s Dad. Of course he is. Jake tells him about his mission, and Broadbeak explains his backstory. The turkeys were once free but when the settler came, they were forced into hiding. Again, really bad implications.

He shows them some baby turkeys and say their destiny lies with them. Whatever that means. Reggie and Jake can stay here as long as they follow the rules. So yeah, we’re getting in the rather generic section of the movie, with the bad implications, cliché, and weak humor. It’s trying but it’s not quite landing anymore. But it gets….worse? You’ll see.

Back in the human town, Standish tells the people where the turkeys might be. I must say that he’s not a bad villain, as he’s pretty badass despite how generic he is. Sadly they don’t much with him in the end. The same can be said with all the characters, but more on that later. The next day, some of the Turkeys head out to get Standish and his gang off their trail by setting off the traps they set. After a weird scene with Jake, some dogs chase Reggie and Jenny and they take refuge in the time machine. The machine hides them from the bad guys, and they fly off into the time stream to hide further.

This is so they can fit in a weird romantic moment between the two. Yeah, it’s weird. Anyway, she believes him about the future thing and once they are sure Standish is gone, they return. Well, that was kind of pointless, I guess.

There’s a bit with Jake but it cuts back to Reggie and Jenny because that so riveting. Who wants time travel action stuff when we have forced romance? That’s where it’s at.

Thankfully, Jake takes him aside and says they must stop the bad guys tonight as Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This takes us back to the Great Turkey stuff, as we find out Jake’s backstory.

Jake grew up in a clinical factory type place as his mother kept him hidden. She gave him some eggs and told him to go start a new flock. He escaped but he lost the eggs.

“I let down my family, and my flock”

Then a weird flash of light showed up, calling himself the great turkey. He gave Jake the “great time knob” and told him his whole mission. Oh look, an attempt at depth. It’s actually kind of interesting but it doesn’t quite work since the movie as a whole doesn’t utilize this character that well in the end.

I’ll get into this more later, but now I’ll say that the characters are decent, but they are used very poorly. But for this scene, the movie gets a “You Tried” sticker. So anyway, Reggie is on board now.

They must destroy the bad guys weapons so they can’t hunt down turkeys for the feast. So we get a scene of them trying to get into the weapons shed and long story short, they blow it up.

They make it back to HQ, and tell the others what happened. They’re happy about it. The settlers figure out that the turkeys did all of this, and Standish thinks they are magic.

“They’re playing with my mind, trying to drive me crazy!”

Back with Reggie, he asks Jenny to come back to the future with him. Before she can say anything, their HQ is blown up cuz of Standish using some fancy stuff the turkeys left behind. Reggie blames Jake for leading the settles to them. Standish shows up and the others try to take out the turkeys.

They off a big fire and the turkeys try to escape in a big epic chase scene thingy. Everyone escapes …except Keith David who has a big heroic sacrifice. Yes, we have a serious death scene/heroic safrcie in a movie about time traveling turkeys.

…Yeah, no. I mean, the scene is well done, and hell, I’ve sene worse attempts at serious-ness but…it just doesn’t work. Because we barely knew him. Seriously, he’s in like one scene and we got no connection with him and Jenny. So when he dies all I can think is..

“Who was he again?”

Far be it from me to disgrace Keith David but…..this just doesn’t work. If you want us take you seriously, make us CARE first.

We get a big funeral scene and as hard as they try, they still can’t get me to care. But hell, they tried so it’s still better than Escape From Planet Earth. Anyway,Jenny is forced to become chief, because of course.

This inspires Jenny to start a big war with the settlers and Reggie blames himself for what happened. He’s about to go home but Jake wants to stay cuz of the whole great turkey stuff. However, Reggie wants to be a dick and leave instead of saving his new friends. And so he heads back to his own time.

Thankfully, none of what he did changed history for some reason. Not long after getting home, he bumps into…himself. Oh boy. Yep, he bumps into a future version of himself, who has come back to tell him something important.

“You’re an idiot’

Yes.

Then another Reggie comes in from even farther in the future. There is no reason for there to be a third one, as he tells us something the first one could have told us: Everything Reggie has is back there and this fight they are starting is gonna put them in danger. Then one of them takes out the sacred time knob out of nowhere, and they don’t tell us what it is.

Reggie doesn’t know what this means until George speaks up.

‘You are the great turkey’

…What.

Yes, Reggie is the great turkey, and he has to back to give Young Jake his destieny. Yeah….this is really stupid and pointless. With pretty much every time travel movie her, there’s a good reason to have a confusing paradox. Hell, usually they add to the movie, and make it more interesting.

Here, it’s really freaking pointless. It doesn’t add anything to the story. It’s just a dumb parodx for the sake of a dumb paradox! It’s weird and confusing and unlike other movies, there’s nothing good to make up for it.

And if you think anything that happens next gives this a point, than you are wrong. And if you think it’s so Reggie can realize his mistake, they could have had him realize that himself, without this crap.

And it’s not even the stupidest part of the movie. We’re not quite there yet. So Reggie goes back in time and pretends to be the great turkey for Young Jake. He tells him to find the pardoned trukey and yada yada. He gives him the time knob which…did nothing for Jake so why is it even here?

Back in the further past (ugh, time travel), the turkeys go to war and it’s…kind of awesome. The music is epic and the animation is at it’s best here. The scene is nice…until this line.

“Those are some angry birds”

….

Reggie returns and uses this weird wormhole thing to get rid of the settlers’ weapons. Standish tries to hold on to a cannon but he just gets sucked up into the wormhole and…dies I guess. No, killing a guy who was not meant to die at this doesn’t mess with history because waffles.

Reggie reveals himself to everyone and avoids an actual climax. Lame. He brings pizza for the settlers and Native Americans, and they all like it. He brings enough Pizza for everyone and peace is made with the Indians.

“Look everyone, I’m giving this Turkey thanks! …It’s a thanks…giving! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!”

Lame.

This makes Reggie realize Thanksgiving is about spending time with others, and also not eating Turkeys I guess. It fades to the present, as we find out that Reggie effectivly changed history so we have Pizza at Thanksgiving instead of Turkey.

…Yes, this is the stupidest part of the movie. I mean…WHAT. They actually succed in taking Turkeys off the menu? There are SO MANY REASONS that this doesn’t work. Let’s go over the big ones:

Just by giving them a bunch of Pizza, they have that instead of Turkey. Yeah, the resources needed to make Pizza like that won’t exist for awhile, so when they run out, what’s gonna happen? Did they just go back and give them more when they need it? Yeah, that’ll work.

On top of that, there would way more changes to history if you did that and it wouldn’t all be pretty. I know some time travel movies ignore some changes for the sake of the plot, but even by those standards, this is really stupid.

It’s a happy ending, but it’s really forced and it makes no sense. And seriously, did Standish die? Whatever, this is one of the dumbest endings of any movie ever, and you know it. So let’s wrap this up.

Reggie decides to stay in the past with Jenny, which will also cause tones of history problem that this movie doesn’t’ go into. However, Jake decides to go off and so his own thing. He didn’t really learn anything, by the way.

He goes off in the time machine and it’s a big happy ending. Also, George says this.

“Oh my”

They just had to, didn’t they?

Roll credits. Yes, it’s a REALLY abrupt ending that makes the movie worse. You know the drill by now. But wait, there’s a Mid Credits scene!

Jake returns to the past and he says this.

“I’ve actually been ogne for uears. Has anyone heard about the Turducken?”

Continue credits. …Yeah, that was really stupid. And it’s a hook for a sequel that will hopefully never happen. The end!

Final Thoughts:

Well, that was really really …standard. It’s not nearly as bad as everyone says. Hell, it’s not even BAD, but it’s not good either. It’s really…average, in every aspect. Some parts go a bit above, and some parts go a bit below.

That’s this movies biggest problem. For a movie with such a high concept, it’s kind of boring and standard. The story is supposed to be basic and normal, and I suppose it works for what it is, but it never really tries to do anything special. And then throw in that stupid ending, but I’ve said enough about it.

The animation is equally standard. Nothing special and it gets the job done. Sometimes it looks like a direct to DVD film, but it does have it’s moments. The characters are…actually not bad, but they are used poorly.

Reggie is a likable chap, but he’s a bit too cliché and by the end, it seems like he learns the most basic lesson ever. He gets some good lines but he’s just there, you know. Jake is more complicated. He’s craziness is pretty funny at first, but in the middle he gets very little to do. He has a nice backstory, but in the end it doesn’t amount to much and it seems he barely changes or learns anything.

Everyone else is just there. Jenny seems badass at first, but she’s just a bland love interest, and her Dad could have been cool but he ends up being pointless. Really, that death scene added nothing except a big war or whatever.

Standish fares a bit better, as he makes for a decent threat, but you guessed it, he doesn’t amount to much.

That’s this whole movie in a nutshell. It seems really promising but it ends up being…nothing. The terrible ending and implications don’t help either.

It’s sad, cuz it started off decent with some good jokes that let you know you shouldn’t take this seriously. It could have been one of the funnest movies of it’s year, but instead, one of the most boring.

Seriously, how do you make a movie about time traveling turkeys and make it so standard? It’s not painful at all, and it’s kind of watchable, but there is really no reason to watch it except out of curiosity.

I’ll stick to FrankenTurkey.

Grade: C+

Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Next time, we start our yearly Christmas reviews with something…interesting. Yeah, that’s a good word for it.

See ya.

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Tinker Bell and the Great Fairy Rescue

The tale of a girl who can only be Crocker's long lost daughter.

The tale of a girl who can only be Crocker’s long lost daughter.

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, it’s time once again to head into the world of Tinkerbell. This year, I started the review the direct to video Tinker bell films. I expected them to suck, but so far, they aren’t…that bad!

The first film was pretty average, but it at least had good Animation and voice acting. I actually kind of enjoyed the 2nd one, as it had a lot more effort put into it, and it had some nice emotional stuff, and more solid animation.

But now it’s time to take on the 3rd entry. There’s a whole to say about this one. It came out in 2010, and it I’m sure the director and writers did…stuff. This time, I don’t really care, and my internet is a bit wonky right now, so I can’t look it up and I’m sure they did nothing important.

The director of Planes left since the 2nd one, , so I’m sure it’ll be good. Yep, short intro but there’s a lot to say this time. The film have been slowly improving. Will this one continue that trend? Or will it be everything I though the first one would be?

Let’s see.

This, is Tinker Bell and The Great Fairy Rescue

The movie opens with narration about Fairies and how humans and fairies never met until one Summer they shall never forget. Then we’re hit with a generic opening song. We are re-introduced to Tink and that Generic Boyfriend guy as they are heading out for a montage.

It ends with them arriving at Fairy Camp. Well, this should be interesting. After some stuff, Tink sees a human family hanging out nearby and she decided to spy on them. She is mesmerized by the sight of a “Horseless Carriage” and this other fairy shows up to remind her that fairies can not interact with humans. Then Tink’s curiosity will get them in trouble and a big adventure will happen, right?

Tink overhears the little girl of the family saying a weirdly colored butterfly is the work of FAIRY GOD PAR-… I mean Fairies. Dad scolds her for believing in fairies, and Tink leaves. But on their way, they find a weird hut thing with a sign saying “Faries welcome”. The little girl made it because the plot said so.

Naturally, Tink goes in and the little girl starts walking toward the place. Vivdya tells Tink that someone is coming but she doesn’t believe her. Yeah, they’ve had this back and forth for the last like 5 minutes and it kind of got annoying.

Vidya leaves which allows Tink to get trapped and noticed and captured by the girl. Nice job, Bitch. The girl takes Tink home and takes her to her room and puts her in a bird cage. The girl leaves and Vidya heads back to Camp and tells everyone that Tink got captured.

Usually, I’d complain that the plot started so quickly but after 2 movies, I think we know who everyone is. They all build a float so they can head out in the rain and they head out. Back with Tink, she finds out that the little girl is nice. Despite this, she tries to escape and thanks to the rain, she can’t. The girl assures Tink that she loves fairies in the most sickeningly british-y way possible.

They hit it off and it’s all very cutes-y and stuff. Yeah, we’re at that point in the review and I’m sick of pointing out my problems cuz, as a certain reviewed has established, pointing out your problems does not make them go away.

…So let’s move on.

Dad comes in to share some of his “field journals” with the girl, to make up for the cliché he’s been put in, but the girl just keeps rambling on about fairies. He says fairies aren’t science or whatever. At this point, I think all fantasy writes love to offend smart people.

Dad leaves (way to be pointless) and Tink “tells” the girl she must leave, but again, the rain is a problem. Seriously, we get it. Rain sucks.

TinkerBell must stay with the girl and since she’s nice, everything is just peachy. Okay, let’s guess how this will go down. I think when the others show up, Tink will want to stay with the little girl. What do you think?

Tink “tells” the little girl all about fairies, and she writes it down in a journal called “Scientific Fairy Research’. I love a good oxymoron, or whatever you call it.

The girl wants to know how fiares are born, and Tink must be really glad the explnations is child friendly. We then get a montage of them being friends and I hate to admit it, but it’s kind of charming. This whole thing is getting more charming as it goes on. It’s “cute’, as every Mom ever calls it. On a tangent, if a Mom, or any adult you show children’s cartoon to, calls something cute, they really mean it sucks. Or they just don’t like it. I mean it in a “good” way.

After that, we get more rain river rafting adventures with the others, while is pretty cool to see, to be honest. The animation is decent here and we get some decent suspense as well. It’s cool, I guess.

Eventually, their “boat” crashes and they are stranded.

“Looks like we’re walking from here”

Back with Tink and the girl, they are still doing stuff and they plan to show her findings to her Dad. Cu he’s totally gonna be impressed with fairy stuff. Anally, the rain stops and Tink can leave. We’re 36 minutes into a 1 hour, 9 minute movie.

She’s not leaving.

They have a tearful goodbye that goes a bit overboard. By that I mean really overboard. The cute part of the “charm” only lasts so long, guys. Tink almost leaves, but she stays to see how things go with Dad. But he’s too busy with dealing with some leaks that happened due to the rain. Oh no, he’s trying to deal with an actual problem instead of shit that doesn’t matter, how horrible!

Lizzy, the little girl whose name I only found on Wikipedia (thanks, movie) gets all sad, and Tink comes back due to this. Great, the girl being all needy is stopping the plot from ending.

After some adventures with the other fairies, we get more sickeningly cute stuff with Tink and Lizzy. At least they balance it this stuff with the adventure subplot.

Tink fixes the leaks, hoping that will fix the Daddy problem. But she also rescues that butterfly he had captured, so when Lizzie talks to him, he’s focused on that He needed it for some…thing, and he thinks Elizabeth (fancy named only to be used when your parent is angry) rescued it.

“I didn’t do it, and since there’s no one else in the house, there is only one logical explanation”

FAIRES! ….What?

“It must have been done you”

MR KRABS: One: You stole it. Two: you stole it. Three: You stole it!

You have no idea how hard it was to pick which joke to go with, so I went with both,

Naturally, she can’t say she did it so everything sucks. Back with the other fairies, Vidiya admits that Tink being captured was her fault. They say it”s alright and we get a nice moment. Possible development over!

With that, they make it to Lizzie’s house. Lizzie sulks about this situation and it gets cheesy again. She talks about how she wants to be a fairy, so Tink uses magic to make her fly. This is cool and all but I figured we would focus on the fact that Tink got her in trouble. But you know, whatever.

The other fairies walk in and partake in some hijinks. All this noises catches the attention of Dad and goes to Lizzie’s room while she’s flying, She has to hide and it’s all very comedic. Her flying made a mess and he’s made about it. And once again, the fact that she can’t mention fairies gets her in trouble.

She says the truth and spoilers, he doesn’t believe her. She tries to prove it with her journal research, instead of you know…Tink herself. After he gets mad again, she finally comes out and she’s fucking pissed. That’s the only way to describe it, guys.

So yeah, he believes in fairies now. And he wants to take her to “the musem”. Gee, the guy science guy wants to use fairies for research? What a shock!

Vidya comes in as he says this and she jumps in his jar in place of Tink. Dad heads out while it’s raining, because this is way more important than the “My children is right” part of this. I mean, clearly the guys at the museum while understand if you waited til after the rain, right?

The other fairies show up and Tink tells them what happened. They can’t fly in the rain but with magic, Lizzie can due to having no wings to ruin. I’ll admit, I didn’t expect the climax to involve a little girl flying with the help of magic fairies. Nor did I expect it to happen due to plot contrive and character idiocy.

It’s a nice looking flying scene, at least. And yes, no one sees her lying because plot. On the bright side, the whole scene is pretty intense, and well animated. Eventually, Tink stops Dad’s car with her Tinkering skills but he’s close to the museum to it doesn’t matter. Thankfully, Lizzie catches up to him and he sees her flying.

She says that Faires helped her fly.

“You don’t have to understand. You just have to believe”

Gee, I wonder what the moral is.

So now he believes, and he apologies for being kind of a dick. And then the fairies help them fly home and it’s all very magical. The music kind of helps, I guess. We cut to the next day as Tink, Dad, Lizzie, and the other fairies are having a picnic/tea party thing. I suppose the Dad thing is wrapped up, but I have no real comments about the message regarding him or his portrayal and his cliché or whatever. So yeah, let’s wrap this up.

Dad reads up on Faries, Tink feels good knowing that her careless helped someone somehow, and cheesy music takes us out. Roll credits!

Eh, about as fitting of an ending as I expected at this point, really. Also, 4 writers?

Final Thoughts:

So, how did this one fare compared to the other movies? Well, it’s better than the first movie, and more or less on the same level as the second. Not better or worse, but It it’s pretty crazy in terms of strengths and weakness.

Let’s go other the characters. At this point, we can’t expect amazing character development, and this one is the same. Not too much development for our establish characters is in this one, since Tink didn’t really learn anything. Viidya has something but it’s not much.

And since we don’t have that much character focus this time, that’s not a good thing. Thankfully, it’s not a huge problem because there’s more focus on new charecters. And as ar as they go…Meh?

Lizzie is just a cute little girl and she’s not very interesting. She believes in faries and has cliché Daddy issues. That’s it. However, the writers clearly tried their hardest to make her relationship with Tink compelling and it almost works. I don’t know, just the way it’s presented can be pretty charming at times and it can be interesting to watch sometimes. On her own, she’s boring but the way she’s presented isn’t that bad.

The same can be said with the Daddy stuff. It’s pretty cliché and unlike, say, Epic, there’s no attempt to do anything different with it. It’s especially insulting when he’s treated as the bad guy for wanting to fix leaks!

But overall, they use a nice message with him and once again, all the effort the writers put into trying to make this interesting shows. It’s not quite as interesting as the Lizzie/Tink stuff can be, but it almost works at times. But overall, I didn’t care that much for him.

The story is intentionally supposed to be simple, so there’s nothing to comment on here. But I will say I like how they balanced out the cute stuff with the adventure stuff. It keeps things from getting dull, at least.

One thing I will say is that this has the best animation of the 3 so far. There’s a lot of really cool stuff in the rain scenes and the climax looks really nice. Not too bad for a direct to video movie.

With this move, it has a pretty generic script, making it lesser than the 2nd, but it has quite a bit of passion put into it. The music, animation, and allover charm make it kind of fun to watch at times, and I can see someone getting emotionally invested in this.

The writing did a better job at this in the 2nd one, but this one also did an okay job when it comes to the presentation.

Overall, this one is alright. It’s has flaws, but it’s watchable due to the way it’s presented. It doesn’t continue the trend of the films getting better, but it keeps the trend of the films being more surpsing.

Seriously, how did a series like this end up being so…not horrible? Either way, this one is okay. And we’ll get to the next one sooner than you think…

Grade: B-

Next week is Thanksgiving. So naturally, I will tackle the best Thanksgiving movie ever made! I just have one questions: Are you a bad enough dude to get Turkey off the menu via complicated time travel?!

See ya.

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Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

The tagline makes my job way too easy.

The tagline makes my job way too easy.

Hello, Spongey here.

So pretty soon, we’ll be getting a proper sequel to the 1994 Jim Carrey Comedy Dumb and Dumber. I’m not sure how many people asked for it, but it gives me an excuse to review the crappy prequel. …Well supposedly crappy.

For whatever reason, in the Mid to late 2000’s, they made a bunch of sequels to Jim Carrey movies, without Jim Carrey. This is mostly because he refused to make sequels after Ace Ventrua 2. But then he watched these movies and decided to clean up the mess with a proper sequel. Good on him.

We’ve looked at Son of the mask, but there’s also Evan Almighty, Ace Ventura Jr, and today’s topic. No, I had actually never seen the original film, despite owning it. (Don’t you hate it when you own a movie you still haven’t seen?). But for this review, I finally watched it.

Yeah, it was good. Certainly not one of the best things ever, but it was funny and it worked pretty well for what it was. Not of Carrey’s best, but it was fine. Also, the awkward-ish guy going after a girl actually didn’t get the girl in the end, and the husband she turns out to have is not an asshole.

Wow.

Anyway, not a ton of materiel for a Sequel, but we’ll see how that goes. If they could make a freaking animated series feasting Patrick Star in some insane foreshadowing, they can make a sequel. But in 2003, they thought a Sequel wasn’t enough.

So they made a prequel. Even the biggest fans of the original didn’t give a single fuck about how these 2 met, but Hollywood doesn’t care what you ask for at this point. It just seems like an odd idea.

But hey, maybe it will be good. Granted, I doubt the man behind creepy Micheal Keaton Jack Frost could pull it off, but we’ll see. So let’s see if this is good, or if the writers are the “Dumber” one in this situation.

This, is Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

The movie opens with Harry being born. As in, the first shot is a POV shot of him exiting the wound. Lovely. Soon after, the title pops up and a police car bumps into it. Okay, that’s funny.

That cop is there, because we cut to 8 years later, as he has been called by Harry to get his Imaginary Friend out of a well. Yes. Then we cut to Ten years later, as Lloyd is getting ready for school with his Janitor Father. His connections allow me to arrive there early to get ready via an unfunny montage. Then he leaves to go to…school. Either he’s that dumb or he goes to another School, which is odd.

Either way, this allows him to bump into Harry. I didn’t think the epic meeting would take place a mere 6 minutes in but I guess the conflict will be some other pointless stuff. They hit it right away with some hit or miss gags.

It’s in the spirit of the humor of the original, but I don’t know. Something feels…off. Anyway, Harry is looking for a treasure on his Mom’s request which will likely come into play later. The two head to school and Harry falls in love with a girl on first sight.

I’ve seen the original. No such girl was there. This will fall through so there’s no reason to care in this movie. Same problem every prequel has. Next!

He talks to the girl and her name is Jessica, played by Rachel Nichols. She was in Rise of Cobra which is weird given how different the roles and films are. Anyway, they bump into a cliché bully who does cliché bully things.

We cut to the Principal, played by Eugene “I’ll do anything for a pay check” Levy. He’s evil and wants to make a bunch of money so he can go to Hawaii with hi girlfriend. Because Dumb and Dumber needed a cliché villain like this, right?

While that’s going on, Harry and Lloyd are hung by the flagpole, which is seen by the Principal. Seeing that, he establishes a fake “special needs” class to swindle $100,000 from the local community. Guess who he uses to start it up.

Their first assignment is to pick the rest of the class. They must find students that are just as special as them. I can’t see this going wrong.

Their first pick is a guy who broke his leg and arm in an accident., They think he’s a crippled boy which is…not funny. Then they pick the bully because reasons. Then they pick a Football played named Carl. Then we have a Chinese Exchange student to give us some dumb jokes.

And last, but clearly not least, we have the guy in the school’s horse mascot costume. They think he’s a Centaur cuz the costume is a horse. And he’s played by Shia LaBeouf …I didn’t see that coming. Is it sad that this isn’t the dumbest thing he’s been in?

So we have the Jock, the cripple, the Asian, the bully, and Shia Labeouf. Together, we have the League of Stereotypes!

That night, Lloyd spends the night at Harry’s house so we can have a bonding scene of some kind. Also, Lloyd thinks Harry’s Mom is hitting on him. It’s not funny, next!

The next day, Is the first day of the Special Needs class. Lloyd plays the part of teacher for now and this leads to some typical school cliches played up for humor. The other kids find all of this odd, but since this allows them to skip other classes and do what they want,they roll with it.

“There’s nothing more American than not doing anything and getting away with it”

Amen!

After an annoying and pointless store scene, with a wasted Brian Posehn cameo, we get an annoying and pointless brain freeze scene. Seriously, the dumb humor was tolerable before, but everything in this scene is incredibly annoying.

The next day, the special needs class heads on their short bus, on a field trip, and we get a lot of gags about that while Jessica, suspicious of it all, drives behind them. They lose her and they arrive at a Museum and before we get jokes about that, Jessica magically pops up to tell Harry about her suspicions. Sort of, she doesn’t flat out say she thinks the class is a fraud, cuz that would require this plot to stop now, and we don’t want that!

She asks Harry to show up at her place later, and Harry thinks it’s a date. Joy. He shows up at her house later and she’s about to tell him everything. But cuz he has the hots for her, and thinks is all something else, he’s distracted by the sexy. It’s…dumb. Gee, I wonder what the word of the day will be.

Harry gets worked up and goes to the bathroom where he mistakes melted chocolate on his hands (idk where it came from) for…well you can take a wild guess. Then he pulls out a Chocolate bar from h his pants. Well, that answers my question.

Jessica asks if he’s coming out, and he tries to sneak out the window only to bump into Llloyd who happens to be there. Lloyd tells him to do the cliché where he tells him what stuff to say to his girl.

Harry changes clothes and stays for dinner. Lloyd, through the window, tells him to repeat everything he says, to her. Guess what happens. Yep, crazy stuff that forces Harry to say dumb things. It would funny if it wasn’t so forced.

Speaking of forced things that aren’t funny, we have the dinner scene. Lloyd is caught and Jessica talks to him about the stuff going on, but it goes over his head, like it did with Harry. Lloyd agrees to get her in to the princpal’s office and she kisses him on the cheek, which is seen by Harry

“Two timing slut!”

Oh fuck, this cliché. And it’s interrupted by Dad discovering the chocolate/shit in the bathroom”

“THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE. GODDAMNIT. MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT. THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE. LOOK WHAT HE DID. HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALL.”

LOUD NOISES. But seriously, thank you for the migraines, jack ass.

After a pointless dream sequence, Lloyd gets Jessica into the principal’s office a few hours later. Sadly, she doesn’t find anything important. And then her boyfriend comes to pick her up. Okay, I got this cliché twice in a row? What the hell?!

Seriously, how does she not know he has the hots for her? I think I know who is the “Dumberer” one is!

He stays to clean up a mess he made, and he finds a treasure chest. Okay then. He takes it to Harry but he’s still pissed. So they are no longer friends, and Lloyd is really annoying about it. Then we are hit with the sad montage. I wish I could care about this characters, but in this movie they are reduced to being annoying and rather one dimensional.

Now that were anything great in the original, but they were at least charming. Here? Not so much. That and trying to get us emotional after that “Shit’ joke is kind of stupid.

After that, Lloyd shows up at Harry’s house with a fake polar bear from a museum. We get a Family Guy Cutaway to that museum with a little girl wondering where the Daddy bear is. Her Mom says he was shot, just like her father.

That’s not funny.

This pleases Harry for some reason and they are all happy now. Well, just like in our last movie, the friend break up was pointless because it was resolved too quickly. Either commit to this dumb cliché or don’t do It at all!

The Principal discover that his chest is missing. The chest has Evidence of the scams they pulled. Wah wah. They suspect Jessica, of course. We cut to the Special Needs class later, as the teacher asks for ideas for the Thanksgiving day float. Huh, I get to tackle two Thanksgiving months this month!

At least there’s no time paradoxes in this one. They settle on a float of George Washington cuz why not. The other kids don’t want to make a float, but they have to in order to stay in the class or whatever.

Cue stupid montage!

After that, we cut to the Principal kidnapping Jessica to find out where the chest is. Then it cuts to another pointless scene of Lloyd and Harry being annoying at the store. I’d be pissed if I cared.

Thankfully, this scene kind of has a point as they are in the exact area where the Principal stopped to make a phone call. They think he is her boyfriend cuz of course. They decided to go spy on her and take chase via shopping cart.

Thus, we have the epic chase scene with Eye of the tiger playing in the background.. ..While, at least the movie is easier to listen to now.

The Principal l takes her to his office and asks about his chest. Of course, she doesn’t know. Wait, how did she not notice the chest in the first place?

Harry and Lloyd pop up in the window and she asks them about the chest. She tells them to go get the chest and they leave to do so. They argue about who gets the “treasure” and they mock that cliché where the friends let a treasure get in the way of friendship, which would be funny if it…again, wasn’t so forced. They open the chest anyway, which IS a little bit funny.

The chest contains a bunch of files and stuff that reveals the principal’s evil plans. They find a cassette, which they think is a mix tape. And then we cut to the thanksgiving parade a little later. Oh hey, that’s important to the plot.

They turn the George Washington float into a Principal float. They bring the chest with them and the other special needs kids discover the big evil plan going on. I still can’t believe this kind of crap is in a Dumb and Dumber movie. I know the first film had some stuff like this but it didn’t feel quite as…pointless.

Speaking of the Principal, he gets a visit from the Super independent, who is here to see the Special Needs Kids. And they have the rigged the float to play the cassette which has him admitting his plan. Of course it was that easy.

A Cop car shows up (that was fast) and he tries to escape. Thankfully, the float captures him, by accident. And so he is carted away. Wow, that was insultingly easy. Though I shouldn’t be shocked at this point.

Our heroes are obviously oblivious to this and they focus on the fact that Jessica’s actual boyfriend shows up. They mock him and then just leave. And thus, that entire aspect of the movie was pointless!

“This experience has soured me on women forever”

“We should never let a woman come between us again”

“That’s never gonna happen. This has taught us a lesson, we’ll never forget that”

It’s a funny cuz a woman comes between them and they forget their lesson making this movie pointless.

Then some hot chicks randomly pop and asks them if they want to come with them to their all girls college. Yes, this is a blatant rehash of that bit from the first movie…but here they know that they are being hit on an try to make sure no woman comes between them. Harry picks the girl he wants and it’s the one Lloyd wants.

“You take her”

“No, I don’t wanna do his to you”

Why are you taking a quick gag and stretching it out? It’s not funny. Eventually, they decline their offer and they punish them in return. What was the point of that?!

And then Harry is hit the car of Jessica’s Dad…while he’s covered in mud. Which…looks like.

“You’re covered in shit!”

Goddammit! Just end already!

And the two pals walk away while Dad screams again. And with an iris out mirroring the womb opening, the credits roll. Does that mean this movie just aborted itself?

Either way, the ending was abrupt and went on too long. How do you do that?! Whatever. Wait, Jessica’s Dad was Bob Saget? The hell?

Final Thoughts:

I’ve finally found the most pointless movie ever made. That’s this movies biggest problem: It has no reason to exist. I enjoy the first film fine but I really didn’t give a shit about their past. They’re funny but they aren’t THAT interesting as characters, so a story about their past just isn;t going to work.

Especially when you make the whole thing predictable and pointless with the lazy writing. I feel like I got nothing out of this movie. It’s not even mind bogglingly awful, it’s just really really lame!

I’m not even going to go over the characters, as they are all flat with no real character to speak of. Lloyd and Harry are just dumb with very little of their original charm,Jessica is okay but only fufuisl her cliché role, and the Principal is a generic villain whose jokes are too weird to be funny. And then the special needs kids are just pointless with only one joke to their name,.

I’m not sure if I should be pissed or happy that Shia gets nothing to do.. ..This was back when he had talent so I’ll say pissed.

Oblivious, you don’t dynamic characters for a movie like this, but at least make them kind of funny. I’ll forgive the story being cliché as the story wasn’t exactly the highlight of the first film, but I liked how it played out. Here however, it’s just dull and pointless.

Comedy wise, it’s far from the worst, but it’s hit or miss. It almost seems like it’s the spirit of the orginal, and some jokes work, but a lot of it is really annoying and stupid, especially in the 2nd half.

I just couldn’t bring myself to care about this one at all. It’s annoying, cliché, and pointless. Like I said, it has no reason to exist. You could do a lot with a normal sequel, that expands on the characters in a natrual way, but making it a prequel just sounds…dumb.

So yeah, this movie was lame. Not awful, but pretty weak. I’m not sure if the new one is gonna be good, but it has to be better than this. As a side note, the actors do good Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels impersonations, but with a crappy script, it doesn’t matter. Like Harry, it’s covered in shit.

Grade: C-

Next week, more Tinkerbell. Yay?

See ya.

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21 & Over

New Schedule, Same Crap.

New Schedule, Same Crap.

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, today is the start of my new schedule. Sorry my last couple reviews went south. No Marked Ones, and No last Halloween review. This is part why I’m switching to doing a review every Wednesday instead of every 4 days.

So we’ll start our new schedule with a movie no one remembers! …It was on Netflix, and I needed something easy this week. But seriously, when this movie came out, it got negative reviews and than it vanished forever.

It popped up in some worst list but otherwise, everyone forgot about it. I think it’s because it doesn’t even look memorable. It’s the latest in a long line of movies trying to ripoff The Hangover.

Now, I still enjoy that film and I like some of the the R rated Comedies that have spawned from this trend, but the trend has also given us some really awful movies. It seems like every other Comedy tries to rip off The Hangover to get the same success. Most of the time, they fail, like today’s movie.

This one was just written off as another bad Comedy and based on the reviews, it looks like another bad Comedy. I’m just reviewing this to see how boring it is, but I suppose I may get decent jokes out if it. You never know.

We have the same 2 people as the directors and writers: The same genius behind Rebound, The Change Up and …The Hangover. Oh boy, this should be fun. They think sharing the writers gives it an excuse to be a rip off. Yeah…no. And based on their track record, I don’t think I’ll enjoy this film.

But I won’t know that until I shut up and get started, so let’s do that.

This, is 21 & Over

The movie opens with two naked guys walking with bruised asses and socks over their privates. …That’s one way to start a movie.

We cut to one day earlier as we are introduced to one of our heroes, a dumbass drunk who is visiting his friend for his 21st birthday. I know I’m going to love him. I mean, he drinks, swears, and makes dumb jokes.

Why wouldn’t I love him? Oh yeah, cuz he’s not funny.

Before we visits the birthday boy, he picks up his other friend, and we see he is a College kid and he is normal. So that means he will be the stick in the mud who is somehow friends with an asshole. Wow, we’re only 3 minutes in and this movie has no originality in it’s entire runtime.

The dumb one says he has the hots for the smart one’s sister, who just turned 16. He is 21. ENOUGH SAID. After some banter and out an out of context line-

“Can we cool it with the sister fucking?”

-they arrive at the house of the birthday day boy. He’s Asian and his name is Chang. ….This is gonna suck, isn’t it? Chang’s Dad does not approve of the kids and of course it’s for legitimate reasons, but he is treated as a bad guy anyway.

Chang has a med school interview coming up, and his Dad really wants him to get the job and oh my god, this is cliché. Asshole drunk friend, slightly more likable friend, Smart Normal Asian with a jerkass Dad…..It’s hitting all the notes this type of movie usually hits.

Then again, I should have expected this from the writers of the most cliché Sports movie ever made.

They want Chang to go out for his Birthday but of course Change needs to go that Med school stuff. The drunk friend is not happy. Yes, they have names but that’s all your gonna call him anyway.

He gives a bullshit speech which includes good old fashioned racism! Ugh. It goes on too long and none of it is funny. No one wants to go along with Drunk friend’s plan but they are forced too when he annoys them with an Airhorn.

“What kind of asshole has an Air horn in his backpack?”

Oh look, I found a new spot on my Hated Characters list, right next to Tucker.

He tells then they will just go out and get one Beer. Which means they will get completely wasted, and oh look that is exactly what happens. What a shock. While at the bar, they talk about pointless crap and Drunk Friend says this will be the last Summer they share together cuz this needs to be even more cliché.

College Friend hits it off with a girl named Nicole and we get tolerable dialogue for once. Even if it’s typical obvious love interest stuff. Actually, it switches between amusing and tedious, but it’s a step up.

At least until Drunk Friend complains about College Friend being different or whatever. Chang accidentally hits some jackass with a dart and a fight ensues. Ah yes, a bar fight for a forced reasons. Another time honored cliché.

Thankfully, they decided to leave before it gets bigger. Sadly, this separates College Friend from Quirky Bland Love Interest. I’m so torn up about this. They plan to hit one more bar before going home. Well, they’re dead.

Chang, now drunk, acts like a jackass while in the next bar and Drunk Friend joins in for an annoying bar montage. Yeah, I’m pretty grumpy so far but unlike the PA review you never saw, I’m in a perfectly fine mood. It’s the movie’s fault this time.

After the montage, Chang has pretty much passed out and now they must get him home. However, they don’t remember Chang’s address which causes some problems. College Friend says Nicole knows Chang and they can find her to get his address. The plot convenience O-Meter-is detecting insane amounts of bullshit.

College Friend calls out Drunk Friend for being a dick which makes him the new best character. This is put on hold once they find a gun in Chang’s pocket. They just move on which means it will be important later. A blatant but literal Chekov’s Gun.

Anyway, they find Nicole’s Sorority house and they are greeted by chicks who want nothing to do with them. So now they must sneak in because this film really wants to be as cliché as possible.

After an out of context line-

“Shrek was fucking tight”

-they decide to put Chang in a Bathroom since his drunken ramblings will get them caught. Along the way, College Friend and Drunk Friend encounter two blindfolded women preparing to be paddled as part of their sorority initiation ritual. Their “Pledge Mistress” is not there because the plot needs a pointless unfunny Comedy Skit.

Drunk Friend decides to spank them because he’s a dick and he needs to be a dick so they can caught. To make it worse, Drunk Friend speaks up and says there’s a new part of their initiation where they must make out with each other. I understand you want this “plot” to move on but making your Comedy Relief as annoying, cliché, and unlikable as possible is not the way to go.

Christ, even having a character be annoying and dick-ish to get our heroes in trouble is a cliché at this point! Also, pointless Lesbian Fanservice is pointless.

Then everything falls apart as they find out this is the wrong Sorority and Chang is caught. That causes them to be outed as intruders. Before you say anyway, Drunk Friend decided to get Chang run so it’s all his fault, still..

They figure out that Nicole’s Sorority is next door and they quickly find her. They talk and she actually respects College Friend for being willingly do all this crazy stuff. It’s just another cliché to throw in the pile. From her, they find out that Chang is actually failing school right now, despite Drunk Friend thinking he’s smart cuz his Asian. Sigh.

But that’s not important as we must get him home. Nicole doesn’t know his address, but her friend Randy might know. He’s at a party so they must go there to find him. Yep, we have a party scene shoved in because…at this point, I won’t question it. Okay, it does flow a bit more naturally than the rest of the film but come on, it’s so cliché.

They head there and find out Randy is Nicole’s boyfriend. Okay, tired Cliche #4435 aside, this chick is a huge bitch to not tell him that during all of their flirting. Seriously, this cliché tends to force me to forget previous scenes but this is especially crappy. Ugh.

“I thought she would have said something earlier”

Same.

Naturally, College Friend goes on about the boyfriend during the next scene. They arrive at the party and find Randy who turns out to be the jackass from the bar. Of course he is. We need more forced conflict. Also, asshole boyfriend cliché! Chris, do we need the cliché count again?!

Randy hears that they came from Nicole and he decides to be a dick because of that. The gun from earlier comes into play as Drunk Friend threatens Randy with it. Naturally, insanity ensues.

Long story short, they get Randy’s phone containing Chang’s address and they leave. They arrive at this place but suddenly, Drunken Friend reveals he dropped out of College 2 years ago. It’s really forced.

It’s mostly there to force in “development” with the Drunken guy that doesn’t work cuz he’s been such a dick so far. It works in movies where the “funny” one is actually likable or, at least ACTUALLY FUNNY.

So the bullshit drama in this scene doesn’t work. Anyway, the place they arrive it is not Chang’s Home as it is bigger and taken over by a wild party. Yeah, more forced detours! They go in cuz some guy who lives at the wrong house will know Chang. Actually, no this plan is fucking stupid.

But, against all logic, the woman who lives there knows Chang and it turns out this is his old house, and she doesn’t know where he lives now. Also, she swears a lot to please the 8 year olds.

There’s a guy at the party that knows Chang’s new address but he’s kind of powerful so they gotta play some games to get up to him. Even by this film’s standards, this comedic set piece is forced as all hell.

While they do that, they leave Chang in the hands of some random Stoners. …I hate these people. College Friend bumps into Nicole at this party (cuz duh) and they talk about Randy without bringing up the fact that he’s a freaking sociopath. She says what she sees in him and it’s stuff that is the opposite of what we saw.

Seriously, tell her Randy was literally the bigger douche ever. No? Whatever, you’re gonna hook up with her anyway. Speaking of him, she gets a text saying he got ran over by a Buffalo and he’s in the hospital. Yeah, that was an outdoor party and some Buffalo were there because fuck you, that’s why. The gunshot scared them and he got hurt.

She leaves to check on him and the movie moves on. They finally get up to the big head guy and he’s this weird looking dude on a throne who acts like a weird king dude. It’s…not the least funny thing in this, but it’s kind of weird.

They talk and he tells us that Chang was almost arrested for attempted murder back at his old house.

“He had a gun and fucking used it”

Well, that’s interesting. Sadly, he doesn’t know his current address making all of this pointless. Seriously, their memory had to be taken down a peg so they would have to look for his address, even though they were at his place earlier

Chang comes to but he just gets drunk again. To make things worse, the stoners wrote “Douchebag” on his forehead, dressed him in a lacy bra and glued a teddy bear to his penis. Told you I hate these people.

Drunk Chang runs away which leads to an EPIC CHASE SCENE OF EPIC EPIC-NESS. Or something. He’s caught by the police and then his Dad shows up. Yeah, one of those angry Sorority girls went around asking people if they’ve seen the 3 guys so they can find them and kills them or something. Dad was one of those people and he went looking for Chang, which is why he’s here now.

But the Sorority Girl thing was dropped all together as if it was only there to get Dad here. However, Dad pops up in a certain place where he can’t see that the random drunk guy is Chang and when he looks behind him, Chang is being put into a police car. Thus, they are in the clear for now.

Yes, the way they did that is INCREDIBLY contrived and stupid but goddammit, I gave up on asking for a good plot a long time ago. Dad is gone but now they gotta head to the police station to get Chang.

They get there, but they find out that Chang has been taken to Health Services. But before they can figure out what that means, the Latina Sorority Girls pop up back into the plot and kidnap them. Oh yay, a forced plot point gives us a forced climax to match!

They are taken to a weird room where they are shackled, and naked, with tube sucks in front of their ….areas.

“Welcome to the Tribunal of Justice”

Oh joy.

They are on “trial” for the crap they did.

“Guilty as charged”

Not much of a trial. Their punishment is to spanked which fits. I’m completely okay this. Actually, let me get some popcorn. The drunk friend warns them he has a skin condition on his upper high, and he is immediately struck there.

Hey, this movie is finally picking up!

After that is sadly finished, they move on to the 2nd punishment. The boys must make out. …If Drunk Friend is unhappy, I’m all for it. Even if it’s a tasteless gay joke. I won’t even question how a sorority could operate like this.

They kiss and it lasts a little bit which is…interesting. Then we cut to the very scene the film opened with. Wait, that’s it? The chicks just did that. WEAK PAYOFF IS WEAK.

College Friend finally calls Drunk Friend out for pulling all of this.

“Man, we’re done….We’re fucking over”

YAY!

He really lets him have it, and it is amazing. Drunk Friend tries to fire back, as he says College Friend has changed and yada yada. They try to make it sad/dramatic but it fails complerly. Drunk Friend does nothing but bring people trouble, and College Friend is acting like a normal guy who grows up.

I don’t care if they are doing the thing where he needs to loosen up or whatever, it fails!

“You’re just the same fucking desperate low life loser that you’ve always been”

They make it to Health Services (without getting any clothes for some reason) and get some clothes there, How convenient. They bump into Nicole there, (at least it makes sense this time) and she says Randy got pissed at her and they broke up. Finally.

“It was a long time coming”

The fact that this happened off screen shows how pointless this plot point was. Nicole leaves, and they find out that Chang is on 24 hour hold. He’s been in here before, due to the whole attempted murder thing from earlier. And he also tried to commit suicide. And this minor subplot is coming together, and it’s getting interesting!

However, they are now at a dead end. For now, they focus on the fact that Chang didn’t call on his best friends when he was feeling suicidal and stuff like that.

“We suck”

True that.

The drama ends when they realize something. See, earleir on a crazy dud dressed as an Indian known as Chief was dancing in front on Chang’s house, and they bumped into him a dozen times over the course of the film as a lame running gag. Suddenly, they realize they walked by Chang’s place a dozen times and Chang was trying to tell them through his drunken rambles.

Well, that’s a lame pay off.

‘We are officially two of the biggest morons in the world”

…Too easy.

So now they gotta break Chang out, Sober him up and get him to his Dad for the Med school stuff. Wait, how does Dad not know of the crap Chang has been up to? He was arrested for attempted murder,for god’s sake!

They get Chang but Randy and some dudes pop up for no reason and give chase. Did we really need more conflict? We have enough, guys. They drive away (not sure if this is Chang’s car or some car they jacked, I don’t care) and we get a car chase,

They get to Chang’s place and clean him up. However, Chang is unsure if he even wants to do this. He reveals that he’s not suicidal, he’s just stressed due to his Dad and the Med School stuff. He was hopped up on pills when he tried to off himself that one time.

Dad is about to show up and we are about to get our big drama moment. So is this movie about College Friend and Drunk Friend’s stuff or Chang’s Stuff? Actually, I’ll address all of that in the final thoughts, let’s just get this shit done.

Instead of a drama moment, Randy and his friends show up. Seriously, why is he still in this movie? His subplot was lazily done, and forced to begin with! His friends are pretty insane, as they smash stuff for no reason.

“That was my laptop”

“Fuck your laptop, get a desktop bitch!”

…Okay, that was kind of funny.

Before anything can happen, Chang’s Dad shows up. What happens? Randy threatens Dad and Dad beats the shit out of him. Okay, that’s fucking awesome!

Then it moves on to Cahng having a talk with his Dad. Mood Whiplash ftw! Seriously, you just showed how pointless Randy is. He tells Dad he doesn’t wanna go to Med School and all that . Unlike that bit with College Friend, Chang is having a problem and it makes sense for him to not want to do stuff his Dad wants him to do. Too bad this is cliché as all hell.

‘Okay…i get it. …You’re even dumber than I thought”

You almost redeemed his one dimensional Dad. But then the writers realized what movie this was. Woo-hoo.

“I can’t believe I raised a worthless piece of shit like you!”

Chris, talk about a terrible father. Chang tells Dad to leave and he does. WHAT AN AMAZING CLIMAX! But eh, it works if you cared about this crap. All none of you.

Randy leaves and they all celebrate a happy ending. Chang is happy to has his Dad off his back, and he can live his life the way he wants to. As long as the harsh reality that he must get a steady job at one point sets in.

College Friend runs off and meets up with Nicole, because this movie really doesn’t want to focus on one plot point for more than 4 minutes. Seriously, if I cared more about Chang’s little moment, I would be pissed we switched over to this.

They kiss and that tells us all we need to know. They are hooking up and the writers didn’t put any more dialogue cuz they don’t care about having any depth in their romance. What was the point of that, again?

We cut to Three Months Later with the friends, plus Nicole at a huge Party thing. Drunk Friend is going back to College (Glad his development was forced as all hell!) and he doesn’t’ want to get too messed up. What are College Friend, Nicole, and Chang’s lives like outside of this party? No idea, the movie doesn’t fucking care at this point.

We then cut to Drunk Friend arriving late for College in crutches and weird hair. So everything happened all over again, cuz Comedic Book Ends doesn’t cheapen anything at all. Also, the admission Professor is Chef.

Roll Credits. Eh, it was rushed and it makes some parts pointless, but I don’t think anyone cares at this point. I’m just glad it’s over, and I can do my full rant. Yay.

Final Thoughts:

Well, that kind of sucked. Okay, to be honest, It was far from the worst movie ever. Hell, it’s not even the worst of it’s kind, but my god, is it one of the most tedious and cliche. This movie is a mess, and I’ll explain why.

I think you know what this film’s biggest problem is: It’s hopeless cliché. It has absolutely No identity of it’s own. From the Characters, to the story, to the jokes, it tries way too hard to be like The Hangover, it becomes a sad rip off. Everything you see in a R Rated Comedy is in here. Cursing for the sake of it, a wild night gone wrong, crazy Asian, messy plot, annoying unlikable comic relief, etc etc.

There’s nothing original about this movie. Even the crazy jokes feel like they’ve been done a million times. All the characters are cliché archetypes. Hell, College Friend and Chang are almost interchangeable, as they fill in the role of the guy who actually has a life and doesn’t approve of Drunk Friend. And don’t get even more started on the writing for the characters, which I’ll get to a moment.

College Friend is dull and while he’s the most likable character, everything he does is so typical that I can’t even care about him. His love interest is okay but she’s forced in for no reason and she just exists to get the plot into weird places. Even the Sorority Girl crap doesn’t contribute a lot in the end.

Chang is the annoying Asian and nothing more. He’s semi likable but they mostly use him for more cliches. I think his whole Suicidal stuff had potential but they don’t focus on it enough for it to work, and the stuff with the Dad ends very weakly.

Then we have Drunk Friend. He’s less annoying than Tucker but he’s just as terrible in some places. He’s annoying and brings nothing but pain. Thus, the attempts at Drama with him fail. It all leads to nothing anyway, as they just become friends again with no real make up scene. He sucks, cuz he’s so typical. Not as bad as Kosta or Tucker but just as stupid.

I give them credit for trying on the drama front in some places, but it just doesn’t work due to some messy writing. Even the harsher critics don’t even begin to realize how messy this script is.

See, films as the Harold and Kumar trilogy have a somewhat messy plot with random things happening. But those film stuff have a clear path. Everything naturally comes together and the next event ties into the previous scene. Even the pointless scenes at least manage to be funny in some way.

Nothing in this film is natural. It tries to be like those movies but nothing makes any sense. Everything that happens is forced in for no reason and I would forgive this if anything added up to anything. But no. Randy leads to a weak climax, and the path there is paved with plot holes and endless plot conveniences. I ranted on some of them on the review, so I won’t go into too much detail here.

Another problem is the focus. While it’s okay to have a few subplots here and there, it feels like nothing matters because too much stuff is going in. WE have focus on College Friend but we also have Focus on Chang. If both of them had a good ending, this would be fine. But no.

Everything with College Friend is forced and by the end, he has no real restolution He hooks up with a chick and he’s friends with the Drunk again. Whoop dee freaking doo. Chang’s story ends, but it’s not written well at all.

Ugh, I can go on for hours about this, but I won’t. It’s not the most painfully annoying/unfunny Comedy ever, but it’s not very funny either, so it can’t even make up for it’s flaws with Comedy. The acting is fine I guess, but again, it can’t make up for the crappy script.

Overall, it’s the most cliché R Rated Comedy I’ve ever seen. The characters are either annoying or typical, the jokes are cliché, and the story is a mess. I suppose the insanity and style can make it fun for some, but for everyone else, this movie is an easy Skip.

In other words, it’s what you expect from the writers of Rebound and The Change-Up, but not what you expect from the writers of The Hangover. But at this point, I guess it is.

Grade: D-

Wow, haven’t dug that grade out in awhile. So there you go, my new schedule is in place. Next week, I look at a prequel no one asked for. ..No, not that one.

See ya.

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